Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD's friend a lift?

337 replies

PotteryLottery · 02/07/2019 21:25

DD's best friend (age 10) has said she wants space from DD and will decide in a week if she will be her friend again.

A while ago, her lovely mother asked me to give her DD a lift to a one-off activity, and I agreed as I will be taking my DD anyway. This falls within the week of "space".

AIBU to say I can no longer take the girl as she wants space?

I.e. Should my DD just have to put up with this one-off journey I agreed to before their falling out or should she not have to endure a journey with someone who won't play with her this week?

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 03/07/2019 13:23

Difficult one for you @PotteryLottery

It is your personal choice in the end .
If you go ahead with original plan ... 2 to 3 happy people.
If you do take her , your DD will be unhappy.

I think you would be unreasonable to not take her.

dinnerpartyhell · 03/07/2019 13:54

It is not cruel to ask for space. It’s not cruel to evaluate a friendship. Your idea of cruelty is not in line with the meaning of cruelty, and that’s is why our reactions differ contra
Of course no one is going to drive anyone that is being cruel to their child.

This seems on the face of it, a minor falling out and most likely to blow over. A good way to ensure it develops into something far more serious is to get the parents involved.

Bluetrews25 · 03/07/2019 13:54

So the friend has asked for space. Let her have it, no lift. This is not revenge or tit for tat, it is giving the young lady what she has requested. Daughter's wishes not taken into account here, only what the friend has requested.
This is not a favour for the other mother - she is not doing the activity - you have agreed to take the friend but because she is young you have had to involve the mother. Mother will have to pay for her taxi this time.
Supposing this were adults in a relationship, and one tells the other that they want space, and will come back in a week to announce if the relationship is still on. Cue other adult doing the 'pick me' dance. How many times have MNers told people to have some self respect and realise they have a choice too? And what would be said if they were still expected to take the other to an event during their time apart as it had been previously AGREED! Confused
Why does that same philosophy not apply here?
I'm all for parents not getting involved usually, but this come back in a week thing is abusive and manipulative no matter the age of the person doing it.

dinnerpartyhell · 03/07/2019 13:57

blue and I will say it again, stop applying adult responses to a childhood argument. They are ten!

FilledSoda · 03/07/2019 14:00

I hope the lift wasn't awkward.
It's probably too late now but I'd put the friend in the back and dd in the front , and then see how it goes .
I do think the other mum has a very vested interest in keeping you sweet .

dinnerpartyhell · 03/07/2019 14:07

Please update op. Would be super to know what happened. Do hope your dd feels much happier now 💐

Juells · 03/07/2019 14:09

I do think the other mum has a very vested interest in keeping you sweet .

My thought, too. The daughter got her sense of entitlement from somewhere, she didn't lick it out of the ditch.

If someone had told me, when I was ten, that they wanted space for a week then 'would decide', it would have been the end of the friendship. I can't believe that that OP is in any way allowing her daughter to think it's reasonable. They're 10-year-old friends, not an old married couple trying to work out a complicated relationship.

MissMoan · 03/07/2019 14:21

I would speak to the mum and get her involved in the decision too, so you are both on the same page and not burning any bridges.

fargo123 · 03/07/2019 14:40

No way would I give her a lift. If she wants to be nasty then there are consequences for that.

Other mum isn't 'lovely' by any stretch of the imagination. She's manipulating you simply because she wants you to give her DD the lift. It's probably where her DD gets it from.

Currently my DD doesn't want to be in the same car as the friend but she does want them to be friends again (she wants to know what her friend's decision will be at the end of the week, so I've explained that it's not fair that her friend is calling the shots in this way.)

FGS, listen to your child, and don't make her sit in the car with this little madam. Show her you have her back. And teach her to stand up for herself and not be a doormat. If anyone dared to tell me they 'wanted space' and would let me know the outcome in a week, I'd be telling them I'd already made the decision for both of us, and that's that the friendship is over.

Original poster
PotteryLottery · 03/07/2019 16:04

Without outing, Other Girl did something to DD, and when DD did exactly the same to OG, OG got upset and stormed off.

DD apologised repeatedly and even wrote a note at school asking for forgiveness. I have told DD not to apologise again.

OG went back to playing with mutual friends and ignored DD and had refused to play with her all week so far.

LM (Lovely Mum) has told OG to forgive DD. I assume OG didn't tell LM she had done the same, first.

Yes, to date, I do more in terms of hosting etc...because it as made DD happy.

OP posts:
MuddlingMackem · 03/07/2019 16:24

OP, it's too late now, but in your shoes I would just have messaged the other mum along the lines of 'I've been told that your DD wants space from my DD, so obviously I won't be able to give her a lift as she won't want to have to travel with DD. I'm sure you understand, although no doubt they'll be friends again soon.' and let her deal with it.

diddl · 03/07/2019 16:37

So your daughter doesn't want to be in the same car & the other girl wants space?

So neither are getting what they want!

Will there be other friends at the event for your daughter or won't it matter?

I find it sad that your daughter seems to be so desperate to have this girl as a friend.

Grumpelstilskin · 03/07/2019 16:56

'Lovely mum' sounds a bit manipulative and not really all that lovely. She is happy to enjoy the benefits of your support. Your loyalty should be to your DD and support her with bolstering her self-worth by not pandering to that girl. Girl can have space by not attending the event, as worst-case scenario. She might learn that actions have consequences. Help to re-dress this unequal power balance.

diddl · 03/07/2019 17:04

"'Lovely mum' sounds a bit manipulative and not really all that lovely. She is happy to enjoy the benefits of your support. Your loyalty should be to your DD and support her with bolstering her self-worth by not pandering to that girl."

Yup!

So as far as the other mum knows her daughter is so upset that she wants space, & her reaction is that they should travel together to make up?

Why would a parent be pushing a friendship that supposedly is making their child feel so bad, take such action?

Twotome · 03/07/2019 17:07

I don’t think you should give her a lift.
And if she was that much of a Lovely Mum then she certainly wouldn’t expect you to give her a lift. Really quite cheeky actually.

ohfourfoxache · 03/07/2019 17:11

Nope, no lift.

Why should your dd have to beg forgiveness from OG? I think you need to tell “lovely” Mum everything, including what happened when dd did the same as OG.

This is not a friendship I’d encourage.

justgivemewine · 03/07/2019 17:16

I wouldn't give her a lift.

Not quite same situation but trying to look at it from your dd's point of view.
This reminded me of when i was at school. My dad and a friends (A) dad took it in turns each week to give me, A and my best friend(B) to school. B parents couldn't do a turn but that was ok as she was my best friend etc. Just before summer hols B completely dumped me. Never heard anything from her over summer until a week before she kept phoning for all sorts of daft reasons. Eventually my mum said she thought B was really phoning to see if she was still getting a lift. I said she shouldnt, but mum made me phone her and ask her if she still wanted lifts. I was quite pissed off (and so were A and her parents tbh) My point is that I felt really let down that my mum didnt stick up for me (ie prioritise my feeling over 'doing the right/nice thing')

Weezol · 03/07/2019 17:29

No lift. She wanted 'space' she gets it.

The way your DD is acting, begging for this girls approval, apologising with no sign of an apology or acknowledgement from OG is truly sad.

Please support your kid.

HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces · 03/07/2019 18:43

I think I would spend a bit of time talking to your dd to see if she wants the friendship to continue and what she gets out of it.
It's starting to sound a bit worse with your dd begging for forgiveness.
Does she just want to keep in with this friend so that she doesn't get bullied by her?
I think with this update I would be less inclined to offer the lift, unless my dd was adamant that she wants to be friends with her for genuine reasons.
I would certainly be encouraging dd to make some new friends so she is not so reliant on this girl.

AnneKipanki · 03/07/2019 19:45

Given your update.... no lift .

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/07/2019 19:56

My DD had a friend who she was as close to as a sister. One day that friend just cut her off for no reason. DD has never forgotten it and although this child now tries to speak to DD, she will have nothing to do with her, beyond basic interaction when it cannot be avoided. So don't assume these girls will make up and be friends again.
I'd let the other mum know that DD isn't comfortable and that her feelings come first for you. Other child should feel some consequences - you don't ask for space but still get favours.
Your child needs to know that you are absolutely on her side and will protect and defend her.
I suspect 'lovely' mum mostly wants the free lift more than anything else.

fedup21 · 03/07/2019 20:11

LM (Lovely Mum) has told OG to forgive DD. I assume OG didn't tell LM she had done the same, first.

Why didn’t you tell her?

Yes, to date, I do more in terms of hosting etc...because it as made DD happy.

I think you are being taken advantage of here.

greenwaterbottle · 03/07/2019 20:17

It sounds. Like she needs the lift so she's not independent.
It reads like your daughter is starting to be bullied. As this child has asked for space, I'd give her a lot by not giving her a lift.
Text mum
After talking to dd it seems that there's been a lot going on that I wasn't aware of, given that I won't be able to give x a lift.

And invite another child

Beautiful3 · 03/07/2019 22:00

Read your update. Sounds like they are still not getting a long. On that basis I would say the journey isn't going to work out.

Original poster
PotteryLottery · 03/07/2019 22:21

So the girls have sort of made up, with DD rightly sceptical but saying she is happy to sit in the front for the first time ever, with OG in the back with another mutual friend who is also coming.

I've told DD that if on the day OG is mean again and DD can't bear the thought of the journey, I will just call LM and say we can't take OG, no explanations.

I'm disappointed that LM still appears to be sending OG. I would have bowed out.

I believe LM encourages the friendship as my DD is kind and honest and a good influence. Sure the occasional lift etc. is a bonus but I haven't had OG over since April and can't remember the last lift I gave her, although when they were younger, with lots of class parties, lifts were more common.

Rest assured, whether or not the lift goes ahead, I will support DD by having a break from this situation. I won't be facilitating any out of school contact until I've seen real change as I just don't feel like being around OG as she has caused so much upset.

I have spoken to DD about not being a doormat and I think she is understanding this more.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread