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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for other peoples' children on days out

202 replies

payingforotherkids · 02/07/2019 19:32

NC for this as it might be outing. We have recently bought annual passes to a well known theme park and alongside these we get tickets for £15 friends and family entry. The entry price is over £50 usually. We had plans to go this weekend and both of my children want to take friends. Now I think its rude to ask parents to pay if you invite their child somewhere but I don't want to have to pay £30 for their friends either. I can afford to, it's the principle of it as with the exception of one of DS's friends we do a lot of outings and pay for them and they are never reciprocated. Also, we bought annual passes to save money!

The day after the children finish school DD is taking a group of 3 friends, they will pay for themselves as they organised it themselves, they just need me to transport them and on site in case of problems so I think this is different and have no qualms expecting them to pay their own way.

Do you pay for other children if you invite them on a day out and AIBU just to say no to this weekend? I work 60 hours a week and quite frankly can't be arsed to supervise an extra two children who aren't my own as well as pay for them!

OP posts:
paranoiamumma · 02/07/2019 22:55

I would pay ! In fact my dd friend has been loads of places with us some cheap some more expensive and I always pay , her parents can afford more than we can , but I feel I invited you so ...
They are both older now 18/19 and we are doing our trip to Alton towers again , I booked hotel and tickets for us all including friend , I was surprised to be asked by the friend if she owed me anything ! Needless to say I said no , told her she can owe me when I am old and knackered 😂 which won't be far off.

Breastfeedingworries · 02/07/2019 22:59

It’s Alton Towers 100 percent 😎

Original poster
payingforotherkids · 02/07/2019 23:05

@SavingSpaces2019 I do, DD is 11 and she can go off on her own if her friend's parents are cool with it, but DS and his friend are only 9 so they can't go off alone yet. Plus I love the rides too!! When we go at the end of term all of the children coming then can go off unsupervised, I already checked with the parents before agreeing to transport them all!!

Thank you for all the comments, it seems asking for the £15 does not seem as big a social faux pas as I initially thought, it is useful to know for the future how to approach it (like a PP said, yes I expect lots of new friends over the summer!!). I would n't spring it on the parents at pick up though, I would check beforehand and be clear about the cost as I know some people would struggle and it's not fair for their children to not be able to go, especially as my two will have been going on about it all day with them. I probably will end up taking them, and paying, DD is going to a different secondary to all of her friends so it is good for her to have lovely primary memories to look back on. Way too soft!!

OP posts:
Original poster
payingforotherkids · 02/07/2019 23:11

@Breastfeedingworries it could have been Thorpe Park! I m not worried that's outing though, about a billion people descend on Alton towers every weekend, probably with other people's kids in tow (paid for or not!!)

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 02/07/2019 23:11

If it's not for a birthday, I'd tell my DC to let the other kids know what the price is if they want to come.

If I was treating my DC and said they can invite a friend each, that's different..I would happily pay.

A message to my own kids...is you can't go.inviting ppl and expect me to pay for it.

It's enough looking after your own kids in these theme parks...the responsibility of other ppls kids is more than us willingly take on.

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 02/07/2019 23:12

I think it's all in the phrasing. If DC wants to take Child A and I approach Child A's parents I see it as our job to pay (would tentatively expect Child A's parents to offer to reimburse us at which point I tell them not to worry).

If we don't want/intend to pay then group email to parents of children A, B, C, D and E saying "We are going on X day/time -- if you want to book for your child at the same time we'd be happy to supervide them all together" or equivalent.

Inviting specifically one child on an outing where you expect them to pay can be tactless, I think. They are put on the spot if they can't afford to pay whereas it's easier to disappear in a group.

CookieCheesecake · 02/07/2019 23:36

I’d expect you to pay for mine if you invited them.

StoppinBy · 02/07/2019 23:52

I think it is reasonable to ask the parents if they want you to take their children for the cost to them of the discounted ticket but do not ask your child to invite their friends prior to asking the parents.

I also think it is reasonable that if you take other people's kids places while they are in your care without initially asking the other parent if they want you to take their child that you should pay. You may well be doing activities that they can't afford to pay for and that is perfectly fine but you can't expect people to stretch their budget so that your child can have friends with them when they do activities unless you ask the parents first and they agree.

lyralalala · 03/07/2019 00:06

I think it is reasonable to ask the parents if they want you to take their children for the cost to them of the discounted ticket but do not ask your child to invite their friends prior to asking the parents.

I think this is the key thing.

I used to have terrible trouble with DD2’s best friend coming out with invitations and telling her that it “only” cost £10 or £20 or whatever. I just didn’t have it. Even after I asked the Mum not to send invitations through DD she would do things like ring and ask while DD and her friend were in earshot.

It always made me the bad guy as I simply couldn’t afford it (especially the “only” £300 skiing holiday with 6 year weeks notice).

Saracen · 03/07/2019 00:28

I'd happily either pay for the kids or ask their parents to pay, depending on all sorts of things such as whether I can afford it, whether I think the other family can afford it, whether I owe them a favour, etc.

As others have said, the essential point is to make it very clear at the time of inviting them as to whether you expect a contribution and how much. And if you think the other parent might be unable to afford it, contact them directly without the child's knowledge, so the child needn't be disappointed if the parent has to say no.

dreichuplands · 03/07/2019 01:04

If I invite I pay.
I offer to cover costs if dc are going with others but I admit I'd be a touch surprised if they took me up on my offer to pay costs.
But it is swings and roundabouts between dc here.

User8888888 · 03/07/2019 01:09

Regardless of cost I think your mad to turn a family day out into a day of you supervising 4 kids on your own. I’d just say no and then you don’t even have to think about the money element.

EmeraldShamrock · 03/07/2019 01:19

I used to pay most of the time, though the child usually has some money on them, they buy the slushy.
I always give the DC 10 if they are going with someone.
I prefer not to bring friends now, it was costing to much for the privilege of a pal with us.
Recently I charged DDs pal for a concert ticket, it cost train fare, taxi home, food out as it was a 7 hour trip, her DM only paid the exact amount for the concert ticket.
It put me off.

HennyPennyHorror · 03/07/2019 01:26

I hated this when my DC were younger. They'd get invited to things and they were things which I could not afford.

The parents of their friends would pay for them...but I could not reciprocate so felt very uncomfortable indeed.

I tried to make it up with offers of childcare during holidays when they were working so hope that this made things more equal.

I used to give my DC a tenner or something (a real hard time for me to find that then) and they'd usually come back with it intact.

dreichuplands · 03/07/2019 01:40

I truly don't care how much people spend on dc, if they have them over and play in the garden I am just as happy as if they go out for the day. All I want for for my dc to feel that their friends want to spend time with them.

BlackCatSleeping · 03/07/2019 02:01

I think it's absolutely fine to text the mums and ask if they want their kids to come and tell them the cost. They can always make an excuse if they aren't ok paying.

I think all this "you invite, you pay" stuff is really outdated.

When my friends and I get together, we all just pay our own way. It's much fairer. If someone can't afford it, then they decline. It's the same when the kids get together. If they are going swimming or to a theme park, everyone pays their own entrance and snack money.

EmeraldShamrock · 03/07/2019 02:06

I tried to make it up with offers of childcare during holidays when they were working so hope that this made things more equal
That more than makes it out, like a pp I don't care how it is returned.
I found with DDs friends I was doing the child care and paying for outings, so I stopped the outings.
I hope I meet a kind mum friend that shares the load when DS is bigger to make friends.

EmeraldShamrock · 03/07/2019 02:07

*it up.

HennyPennyHorror · 03/07/2019 02:44

BlackCat It's not outdated. It's a thing for a reason. One person requests the pleasure of another's company on an activity of THEIR choosing so they should offer to pay....unless there's some sort of prior established norm' between them.

jameswong · 03/07/2019 02:51

The problem isn't the money, is it? 30 quid is nothing. The problem is that, by and large, entertaining kids is pretty shite, particularly when you're working 60 hours a week. You don't want to take extra kids whether they pay or not. That's a more difficult circle to square.

Pinkwink · 03/07/2019 03:20

If you invite then generally the onus is on you to pay although it’s nice of parents to offer. You sound resentful about having to take them all together so skip it.

lyralalala · 03/07/2019 03:20

30 quid isn’t nothing to everyone

HennyPennyHorror · 03/07/2019 04:50

JamesWong Are you serious? For some people that's their weekly food budget!!

jameswong · 03/07/2019 06:00

@HennyPennyHorror

Only 30 quid a week on food, for a family of four, when you're buying annual passes to a theme park? I doubt it.

BlackCatSleeping · 03/07/2019 06:07

It's not outdated. It's a thing for a reason. One person requests the pleasure of another's company on an activity of THEIR choosing so they should offer to pay....unless there's some sort of prior established norm' between them.

See, that sounds ridiculously outdated to me. If my son's friend asks him to go swimming, then they all pay their own entry and for ice cream afterwards out of their own money or money given by a parent. That way it's simple and there's no need to worry about reciprocating. If my son doesn't feel like going swimming, then he declines. It's much easier and less fuss.

If a friend asks me to lunch, then we both pay for what we eat and then neither has to fuss about whose turn it is or has to pay a lot at one time. We can both order within our own budgets.

It's so much easier this way.

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