To Feel Insulted by PIL holiday decision?

[LizzieLookAtTheFlowers]

We have a lovely relationship with DH's parents and have really enjoyed holidays with them every other year since our children turned 3 (we couldn't afford it before then). They alternate with SIL and family.

I am pregnant with our 3rd and next year is our 'turn' to holiday with in-laws. We enjoy holidaying alone, too, but the kids absolutely love their grandparents adding an extra dimension to the fun. We asked them about booking something and sent some options and they told DH they won't go abroad with us if we have a baby, or even an under 3, because they didn't when they had their children.

So we won't be holidaying with them for the next 4 years, which means our children will be missing out on time with their grandparents while they are young.

They will still go away with SIL in the meantime, and they have a much closer relationship with her children anyway, so I feel this is another way that our children miss out with them.

I don't really understand what they have against babies. I find babies easier than 3-year-olds (ours will be 7 months by the time the holiday comes around.) We will look after our own baby, who will be breastfed like the others, so will always be with me and we don't have to worry about sterilising or making up bottles etc, not that it would be their responsibility if we did. We do BLW so baby will just eat what we eat, and we are looking at the Canaries, which isn't exactly primitive - they sell nappies and everything! We will have separate apartments, so they won't be disturbed at night, and we don't ask them to do any babysitting while away (last time they offered and looked after the kids for a couple of hours once while we went for a drink, that is it and we didn't ask or expect even that, we wanted to all spend time together.)

I don't understand how us having a baby will impact on them. It will be our responsibility. They have 4 holidays a year, two of which are to very luxury locations, and they usually enjoy their holidays with the grandkids in contrast. So this wouldn't be their only chance for a break or anything.

Are they being weird or am I wrong to feel insulted that they think our baby would ruin their holiday enough that they won't entertain the idea and miss out on time with their other two grandchildren for years to come?

"Babies are easy"

I'm wondering if this is a cultural thing. Do people have a fairly formal relationship with their parents when they become adults? I can't imagine a situation in which I couldn't say "god mum/dad, the kids will be disappointed. are you sure you couldn't just come with us and the baby" and my mother being perfectly free to say "no, I really couldn't face it - sorry to disappoint the kids but I'm too old for a baby in the sun".

I wouldn't consider that whining or demanding a detailed explanation or anything. In our family that would be considered a normal conversation between people who love each other.

OP, I think you’re getting a really hard time and I completely understand your point of view.

My DPs prioritise DB and SIL over me and my DCs. They do so much for them, yet turn down rare requests from me.

I pulled them up on it a while back and they have either toned it down, or don’t tell me what they do anymore!

Hopefully your DH will find out their real reason when he chats to them.

As for people saying they are "paying our kids nursery fees" they offered to pay for one PM session when we increased her hours to try to redress the balance because they have provided 7 years of free childcare to their other adult child while we paid our own way - as we should. I have said I am grateful for that but I would rather my DD had their time than their money for another afternoon at nursery. She would rather spend time playing with her grandparents like her cousins do, but she doesn't know anything about it so the problem belongs to me and DH. If that makes me such an unreasonable cow then fine, you're welcome to your opinion.

You're both unreasonable cows. 'Redress the balance' 'impose ourselves more'. Good grief! I'd cut you both a wide berth, tbh.

Some people don't find babies easy or like them.

@LorelaiRoryEmily

Except that she thinks her girls are amazing and deserve continuous help and DH and I can just manage on our own. (Which we do)

Yep, I think that's how my IL's view DH and his older sister. They've got their shit together so they get less attention. It's annoying, because we'd like to spend more time with them, but it's the needier siblings that take up their time. Can't win really!

How many times have these wonderful family holidays, that your children are going to be so gutted to miss out on, have actually taken place?

@PutThatDown10

why the face? I did it all as a single parent too - do you want to pull a face about that too.

We should probably ask more but we don't feel we can because they are already overcommitted.
Tbh I would. It’s not up to you to decide if they are overcommitted or not. It’s up to them. And they might well decide to do less of xxx to be able to spend more time with you. You never know.

@PutThatDown10

mine are also 10 and 21 now. They do get worse as they get older

@LizzieLookAtTheFlowers

I think you've been given a very hard time on this thread and I am also wondering why the age limit. I hope it all works out for you and you get a family holiday.

It wouldnt bother me, have a break in the UK instead,

Why would I care if you're a single parent? There's that face again

every now and then I come across a comment which makes me even more grateful for my lovely parents.

Most parents are lovely but I certainly would not be questioned by an adult child on where I or whom I choose to go on holiday with.

Babies and toddlers affect the dynamic and rhythm of a holiday, what days out you do, what time in restaurants, waiting for naps to finish, being at the villa through a long cool nap, etc etc.

It's all very well for parents of tinies to say 'what's the problem' but once you are no longer the parent of a baby or toddler, you now whether or not you want to spend your leisure time working to that rhythm.

I think you've had a hard time here OP. I'd struggle not to feel confused and hurt in your shoes. I think your DH having a further conversation with them about it to try and understand their reasoning is maybe the best course of action. Maybe as they get older they are finding young kids a bit exhausting? Are you sure they enjoyed previous holidays?

Going with an under 1 was always the easiest holidays, nap in the pram, sleep through meals, not walking yet.
However it's up to them, nothing you can do, they don't want to.

@PutThatDown10

because you cared enough to quote me on my 3 years of holiday experience when DD was young that babies are easy.

I don't give a shit whether you care or not. I was asking why you pulled a face.

I'm sorry your going through this. We are in a similar position by SIL doesn't have any children yet and we know (from current standing) that get children will be given the earth while ours is lucky if we see them for part of a few weekends a year. We do all the travelling to see them.

It seems like your struggling with the idea of fairness. Trust me I am too. But I am learning to let this go. It's will be hard to eventually (daughter is 3) talk to my child about the disappointment and the fairness of it all but we have to learn that life is not fair. The PIL will also probably learn that they will not be as close to my child as they would like because they are not putting the effort in.

A few things you could do or think about to move forward
Accept the relationship for what it is and explain to your children (with out bias) why they are not going on holiday with grandparents.
Maybe talk to the PIL. Maybe they have got the wrong end of the stick here. If not you all know where you stand and look at my first point.
I'm not suggesting something is wrong with you. Counselling is a good place to talk out your feelings and learn to help yourself. Once you can help yourself with these feelings you can then help your children.
Sorry this is war and peace but I've read a lot of the replies that blame you and say your money grabbing which is not true. I honestly have no idea why parents treat siblings differently, my mum treats 3 of us the same but the PIL are simply incapable of it.

Woah stop being so defensive.

I cared about that quote as I found I found it ridiculous. Not all babies are easy and a lot will agree they can be hard work.

And again, why would I care enough to pull a face about you being a single parent? It just seems rather weird to bring that into conversation and imply it would be something for me to disapprove on... Well done for doing it on your own anyway but just remember your experience is just that, not everyone thinks babies are easy because they aren't.

It's their loss.

Most parents are lovely but I certainly would not be questioned by an adult child on where I or whom I choose to go on holiday with.

Exactly, I hate this idea that as soon as our children are adults we are expected to jump when they say jump.

Last week there was a thread about an adult son being miffed that his mother had decided to have an annexe built at daughters and move there. The advice to include him in decisions, of course he felt pushed out, they must make it up to him etc was truly staggering. It is along time since I felt the need to ask anyone for permission about where I live, I don't expect a big family pow wow about it unless I get dementia and in fact they don't need to discuss that as I've told them what I would want so I'd just expect them to do as they've agreed.

PIL don't want to go abroad with a baby, what is there to discuss, why do they need to explain to son. No one is obliged to holiday with family, I'm really close to all my GC, three separate families, I went on holiday with the eldest and his parents and I can honestly say never again so it's never happened with the others and it hasn't had any negative effects.

They’ve never gone away with babies and they don’t want to now. Ffs it’s not a big deal.

This jealous watching what SIL does and gets is weird. And it will only upset young children if they’re copying your frankly ridiculous dramatics about it.

I cannot believe you take money off them for a nursery session. That is genuinely shocking. Pay for your own childcare ffs!

I’m gobsmacked!

And babies are a total pain in the arse so they’re not BU.