To Feel Insulted by PIL holiday decision?

[LizzieLookAtTheFlowers]

We have a lovely relationship with DH's parents and have really enjoyed holidays with them every other year since our children turned 3 (we couldn't afford it before then). They alternate with SIL and family.

I am pregnant with our 3rd and next year is our 'turn' to holiday with in-laws. We enjoy holidaying alone, too, but the kids absolutely love their grandparents adding an extra dimension to the fun. We asked them about booking something and sent some options and they told DH they won't go abroad with us if we have a baby, or even an under 3, because they didn't when they had their children.

So we won't be holidaying with them for the next 4 years, which means our children will be missing out on time with their grandparents while they are young.

They will still go away with SIL in the meantime, and they have a much closer relationship with her children anyway, so I feel this is another way that our children miss out with them.

I don't really understand what they have against babies. I find babies easier than 3-year-olds (ours will be 7 months by the time the holiday comes around.) We will look after our own baby, who will be breastfed like the others, so will always be with me and we don't have to worry about sterilising or making up bottles etc, not that it would be their responsibility if we did. We do BLW so baby will just eat what we eat, and we are looking at the Canaries, which isn't exactly primitive - they sell nappies and everything! We will have separate apartments, so they won't be disturbed at night, and we don't ask them to do any babysitting while away (last time they offered and looked after the kids for a couple of hours once while we went for a drink, that is it and we didn't ask or expect even that, we wanted to all spend time together.)

I don't understand how us having a baby will impact on them. It will be our responsibility. They have 4 holidays a year, two of which are to very luxury locations, and they usually enjoy their holidays with the grandkids in contrast. So this wouldn't be their only chance for a break or anything.

Are they being weird or am I wrong to feel insulted that they think our baby would ruin their holiday enough that they won't entertain the idea and miss out on time with their other two grandchildren for years to come?

@PutThatDown10

not everyone thinks babies are easy because they aren't.

Of course I know they aren't, but reading through the thread you can also see that others have agreed that a baby on holiday is easier than a toddler on holiday.

You took my quote completely out of context - nothing to do with an age on holiday situation.

That is why I was questioning you. I still don't give 2 shits what you think about me or my comment, but as you took it out of the context given then of course I will question it.

We all have our own experience, it's the toughest job in the world, but in context I was saying babies are easy on holiday. You just chose to ignore the rest of the post.

I can't be arsed explaining any further as you couldn't even grasp the initial concept.

@PutThatDown10

I'm not getting defensive at all - just trying to explain it to you more clearly.

Anyway, off to cook dinner.

@poopypants

Whoa there

That’s quite a judgmental and name-calling post calling out people for being, erm, judgmental and name-calling!

Most parents are lovely but I certainly would not be questioned by an adult child on where I or whom I choose to go on holiday with.

If my adult children expressed disappointment that I couldn't holiday with them as planned (as opposed to whoops of relief which is probably what most of us would get from our adult children) I certainly would not tell him "I will not be questioned by you" and send him off with a flea in his ear. I dunno - this whole thread makes me think my relationship with parents and in laws was an anomoly in that we all feel ok to actually talk about stuff and even get upset and then get over it.

And if you only holiday with one adult child and not the other adult child, well yes you may have made it clear to them that you will not be questioned but they will certainly draw their own conclusions.

@poopypants you ok hun? 😂😂😂

@Nautiloidyes, they would go in the UK for a few days, which is what we did this year at Easter

So, they would actually go on holidays in the UK, just not abroad. I cannot see your issue in that case. Flying from UK to Canary Islands is around 4h and I can actually understand why they wouldn't want to spend holidays with a baby and two small children (like thousands of people on MN).

She also pays your nursery fees and does some pick ups for your SIL, and looks after her elderly mother. How exactly are they mistreating you?

Actually I grasped it perfectly fine, it was just that comment I thought was silly so expressed that with rolling eyes. It was actually meant in jest as well... Maybe I should have typed that more clearly as it some how made you think I would also have an issue with you being a single parent.

Anyway, no point us hijacking the thread with this silly misunderstanding any further.

You do appear defensive and a bit aggressive in your responses to me, "I don't give 2 shits what you think of me"... I didn't say you did and actually I didn't say I thought anything about YOU just your sentence.

I don't know why my eye roll got your back up but I didn't intend to, I just disagreed with your comment.

If you want to holiday abroad, holiday abroad on your own.

If you want to holiday with them then holiday in the UK.

We had some wonderful holidays when the dc were tinies in the UK. Cornwall, Norfolk, Yorkshire. Fab.

I am not sure OP or her DH understand the Mumsnet mantra that "No is a complete sentence"

Seriously - he's going to grill them for more details?

They don’t want to holiday with a baby or toddler and all the paraphernalia that involves.
Nappies, dummies, night waking, nap times, tantrums and having to always have at least a change of outfit and enough planning skills to arrange a military invasion of Europe every time you want to move away from the villa/hotel isn’t everyone’s idea of a nice holiday.

Holiday without them until your new baby is old enough to be ‘fun’ instead of hard work.

OP , not sure if you have said but how often do your DC see their DGPs in a normal month ?
I do think that part of the reason you have had such a hard time is due to your choice of words and phrases e.g insulted and impose ourselves more .
Can you not just accept that your PIL don’t want to holiday abroad with a baby ? I really wouldn’t be happy if one of my adult children demanded an explanation about a holiday decision!

"Holidaying" with a baby or toddler is no holiday at all.

I won't be doing it with my future grandkids, for sure.

For the sake of your family, I would offer to stay at home with the baby so your H and other children can have time with them.

And if you only holiday with one adult child and not the other adult child, well yes you may have made it clear to them that you will not be questioned but they will certainly draw their own conclusions. That isn't what's happened though. The grandparents don't want to go abroad with an under 3 year old, so OK they were a bit flexible when the SILs child was almost 3 but if people think they are odd now they would think they were even odder if they said, 2 years 364 days no, 3 years exactly yes.

Why do they need to discuss it.

I would feel like you do and I'd feel for DH too. This has got to hurt his feelings.

OP I think you are entitled to be disappointed but not insulted.

Babies in the sun are easy! Toddlers, on the other hand, are a fucking nightmare!

Wow what a lot of hate and criticism on this thread.

I get where you are coming from.
You guys can afford one holiday a year, which is fair and you want to spend it abroad which is also ok but you also want to spend it with PIL but they won't go abroad with you for the next 4 years.
So either you sacrifice time with them or your lovely foreign holidays.
So they have put you and DH in an awkward situation as you will have to explain to them why they aren't getting holidays with GPs ( holidays in the UK can still be magic especially for kids it's just what you make of them so they would unlikely be too fussed about not going away) or not get the holiday you want yourself.

So many people aren't reading the thread.

I'd be a little irked with my PIL for not treating my kids like SIL's but can she afford the childcare she would need that they give her or would her family suffer?
If not then they ABU as you see it as them preferring to spend time with their other GC instead of yours and are worried they will notice.
I would say that as long as your DC are still close to their GPs and cousins then this is unlikely to be a major issue, but I can see why it annoys you.

Perhaps your dh can use the money he’s taking from his parents for no good reason to ease the pain @LizzieLookAtTheFlowers

Nappies, dummies, night waking, nap times, tantrums and having to always have at least a change of outfit and enough planning skills to arrange a military invasion of Europe every time you want to move away from the villa/hotel isn’t everyone’s idea of a nice holiday.

People are such drama queens about babies. They eat, they sleep, they shit. We would be in a different apartment, nobody else would be waking up but me, and what I fail to understand is why people think babies don't do these things on holiday in the UK? So it's ok if the baby has to sit in a car seat for 8 hours driving to Cornwall but it can't go on a plane? It's ok that the baby needs a nappies, a change of outfit and a sippy cup in Devon but not Tenerife. it's ok if the baby cried during a dinner out in Somerset - but Christ no not in Lanzarote! That is what I think is bonkers. What's the difference? It isn't even cost, a big holiday rental in the UK in summer holidays is crazy expensive.

But, anyway, the weird nasty people on MN aside. There has actually been some really useful advice and words of wisdom here to accept and/or deal with the difference in the way PIL treat our kids and SIL kids. They have exactly the same opportunity to be as close yet they choose not to be. By impose ourselves, DH means we should ask them for sleepovers or childcare like SIL does but we don't feel there is space because they are already busy. But as someone else said that is not our decision to make and it is up to PIL to say no to us or to ask SIL to calm down her reliance on them. Through making assumptions we have built up a bit of resentment and maybe that is where we are wrong. We don't feel entitled to their help and that is where the problem stems from - because we are self sufficient we are left to it.

The thing about the nursery fees is that yes we accepted it because FIL insisted and it helped us out when we needed to increase hours. It was offered as compensation for not giving their time. We would rather have the time than the money but we didn't want to ask for that and seem rude. I don't think that makes us greedy or entitled and I think it's pretty unreasonable to say it does. We didn't ask and it did help us out. 2 terms of 3 hours of nursery a week compared to 7 years of 2 days a week free childcare for 2 DC doesn't really add up though does it? But forgot. We aren't allowed to care about that or even notice.

DH did speak to MIL. FIL wants to go on holiday with us but MIL doesn't because she 'doesn't go on holiday with babies'. She will go with an 18 month old though she said, but IMO 18 months is a baby who can run at full pelt into a swimming pool and seems like way more of a liability than an immobile baby. Her other reason was that she is scared of foreign doctors.

I don't agree with her but obviously we aren't going to push it, what would be the point? For some reason, because we only enjoyed two fantastic holidays with them in the past means we can't look forward to going again or be disappointed that they won't go now because we have a baby.

We will be going alone next year, like we are next year. It's fine but DH is disappointed, and so am I - and the kids will be too but we will just say grandma and grandad aren't having another holiday next year and that's it. As others have said they probably won't think anything of it, it's just me over thinking it.

Thanks to everyone who offered great advice. Much appreciated.

Does your SIL only have 2 kids. Maybe this is a way of them showing there disapproval of you having a 3rd child ( maybe your SIL wanted a 3rd child)

Actually yeah it does make you grabby. The nursery fees, I mean. I’d be mortified to take it.

They won't go abroad with us if we have a baby, or even an under 3, because they didn't when they had their children.

It doesn't sound to me like your SIL or her children are involved in this at all. Your ILs don't like overseas vacations with babies. There could be many reasons for that. Since their policy is so long standing, they are clearly committed to it. My bet is they think it's dangerous or really unpleasant.

If they went overseas with your SIL's child at just under 3, maybe they would go with you the next time your turn comes up (when your youngest is 2.5 years old and you will only have one year to worry about this.

Either way, your choices are to go on vacation alone or arrange something within your country with them. You really don't have other options.

I honesty think this has nothing to do with them and is more a SIL issue. Have you had a DD and she only has DS

They're trying not to upset her