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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Feel Insulted by PIL holiday decision?

321 replies

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 11:53

We have a lovely relationship with DH's parents and have really enjoyed holidays with them every other year since our children turned 3 (we couldn't afford it before then). They alternate with SIL and family.

I am pregnant with our 3rd and next year is our 'turn' to holiday with in-laws. We enjoy holidaying alone, too, but the kids absolutely love their grandparents adding an extra dimension to the fun. We asked them about booking something and sent some options and they told DH they won't go abroad with us if we have a baby, or even an under 3, because they didn't when they had their children.

So we won't be holidaying with them for the next 4 years, which means our children will be missing out on time with their grandparents while they are young.

They will still go away with SIL in the meantime, and they have a much closer relationship with her children anyway, so I feel this is another way that our children miss out with them.

I don't really understand what they have against babies. I find babies easier than 3-year-olds (ours will be 7 months by the time the holiday comes around.) We will look after our own baby, who will be breastfed like the others, so will always be with me and we don't have to worry about sterilising or making up bottles etc, not that it would be their responsibility if we did. We do BLW so baby will just eat what we eat, and we are looking at the Canaries, which isn't exactly primitive - they sell nappies and everything! We will have separate apartments, so they won't be disturbed at night, and we don't ask them to do any babysitting while away (last time they offered and looked after the kids for a couple of hours once while we went for a drink, that is it and we didn't ask or expect even that, we wanted to all spend time together.)

I don't understand how us having a baby will impact on them. It will be our responsibility. They have 4 holidays a year, two of which are to very luxury locations, and they usually enjoy their holidays with the grandkids in contrast. So this wouldn't be their only chance for a break or anything.

Are they being weird or am I wrong to feel insulted that they think our baby would ruin their holiday enough that they won't entertain the idea and miss out on time with their other two grandchildren for years to come?

OP posts:
Okaydoklay · 02/07/2019 17:42

My advice, time to make your own holidays. End of. Leave them to it.

Okaydoklay · 02/07/2019 17:44

Your ate not grabby, you just want what's fair for your kids. Dont worry though. Most kids focus is essentially mum and dad. Grandparents are a bonus. Just keep on making a happy family as much as you can.

Cherrysoup · 02/07/2019 17:46

If pressed, I'd rather a non mobile baby than a runoff full pelt toddler. Odd that the mil has said this. However, the dynamic is changed with very young children. Much as I love my family's little ones, it was all about them and frankly boring last time I went away with them so when they asked again, I said no. It is limiting.

If I were you, OP, I would go abroad when the baby is 7 months, as you said and send loads of fabulous 'Wish you were here' pictures to mil, but then I'm a bitch.

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 17:49

Why Ivanapee? It was at a time where I was growing my business and needed more time without any extra income and my FIL, clearly aware that they have given SIL the opportunity to work without having to pay for childcare for 7 years but we have paid for our own decided to make an offer that really helped us out. I find it odd that you would be mortified. We would much rather they gave us 3 hours of their time a week that the money like they do for others but they won't. So DH accepted it because it genuinely helped.

I'd be a little irked with my PIL for not treating my kids like SIL's but can she afford the childcare she would need that they give her or would her family suffer?

No doubt by answering this question it's another reason for people to lambast me. No, not at all, they are far better off than we are. At least double our income. It isn't that.

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 02/07/2019 17:57

I have noticed some GPS treat their daughters children different to their sons. This is the issue here and yes I think Your DH is right to feel upset his sister gets more help than him. However that is The GPs prerogative so best just accept it and book your own holiday.

drizzleinbrizzle · 02/07/2019 18:03

Ignore the negative comments OP. You are not being grabby for accepting something that the PILs offered.

I also think that you now know the reason, just get on with it without them. You will have a lovely time I am sure and then probably not even think about who they are going on holiday with anymore. Then if they ask you if you want to go in a few years you can see how you feel, it may or not be what you want, but you can just keep it amicable.

diddl · 02/07/2019 18:03

The childcare isn't exactly treating the kids differently though is it, but the parents.

So how did SIL end up with all the childcare?

IvanaPee · 02/07/2019 18:04

So do you still need the money? Because if so you probably shouldn’t be booking foreign holidays!

drizzleinbrizzle · 02/07/2019 18:05

Having a 'policy' on going away with babies is weird though!

katewhinesalot · 02/07/2019 18:10

I suspect that when they realise that you are going abroad without them, and you won't be able to afford a uk holiday with them, that they might offer to pay for a cottage or something, as fil especially will feel he's missing out.

Ayemama · 02/07/2019 18:15

I'd be a little irked with my PIL for not treating my kids like SIL's but can she afford the childcare she would need that they give her or would her family suffer?

No doubt by answering this question it's another reason for people to lambast me. No, not at all, they are far better off than we are. At least double our income. It isn't that.

Then I definitely see why you are upset and don't think you are unreasonable for it.

Unfortunately they can do as they wish and there's not much you can do about it and being resentful for it won't help either unfortunately.

Is it worth asking FIL if he'd like to come with you instead on his own? Might make MIL see how she's being a bit daft.

Ragwort · 02/07/2019 18:16

You sound worse with every post OP, you are accepting their money towards childcare yet are having another baby? Hmm.
I feel desperately sorry for your MIl with the demands everyone is making of her, and what help do you and your DH offer with the elderly grandma?

Just go on holiday with your own family, or maybe your own mother would like a break from working full time and being treated to a holiday? And stop comparing yourself to your SIL.

Jemima232 · 02/07/2019 18:19

I'm only surprised that your PILs don't want to have a holiday without any children around.

It sounds like all they do is childcare and looking after MIL's aged mother, as well.

They deserve a medal.

Jemima232 · 02/07/2019 18:20

I don't think the OP's mother would want to go on holiday with them as she hates the OP's DH (mentioned about three thousand posts ago.)

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 18:23

So do you still need the money? Because if so you probably shouldn’t be booking foreign holidays!

Oh, so our finances are your business now Ivanapee? I'm not dignifying that question with an answer other than Hmm. Does it matter that SIL can afford her own childcare yet has been afforded the privilege of getting it for free for 7 years? It isn't ideal that FIL chooses to compensate his son for lack of time and effort with money but that is how he chooses to assuage his guilt so that is his business. Not that his finances are your business either but he isn't short. You don't need to feel sorry for him.

OP posts:
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IvanaPee · 02/07/2019 18:36

Lol at you pretending your scrounging childcare fees to make FIL feel better.

Beginning to see why MIL seems less inclined to spend time with you both, tbh.

Cheeky fuckery of the highest order. Grandparents aren’t obliged to expend time or effort on anyone. They’re not duty bound to make sure things are exactly equal between their children and grandchildren at all times!

BlushPinkRose · 02/07/2019 18:37

With every post you make your bitterness shines through. You’re REALLY pissed off that they give childcare to their daughter aren’t you? You’ve mentioned it numerous times on the thread and you sound very jealous about it as you keep mentioning 7 years of free childcare. How often do your children see their GP’s? Others have asked you (and perhaps I’m missing your reply) but I can’t see an answer from you.

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 18:38

@Jemima232

I don't think the OP's mother would want to go on holiday with them as she hates the OP's DH (mentioned about three thousand posts ago.)

That is right. I am going to ask her as a holiday with her GC would be really great for her and I would love to spend time with her. If she can deal with my DH for that long. She really can't stand him, tuts and sighs all the time and things he says and how he parents the kids, so it's stressful. I will need her to think about it carefully as wouldn't want conflict.

OP posts:
Homeallday · 02/07/2019 18:38

OP don’t feed IvanaPee, I’ve noticed them on several threads being nasty to the OP

katewhinesalot · 02/07/2019 18:41

Don't rise to it op.

Bluntness100 · 02/07/2019 18:50

Gosh this thread is really unpleasant. From the ops jealousy of her brother and sister in law and the raging sibling rivalry over who gets what from the parents, through to calling people cunts.😱

Homeallday · 02/07/2019 18:51

Going on holiday it’s your mother doesn’t sound much of a holiday for dh, would he be happy for that?

Homeallday · 02/07/2019 18:52

with your mother

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 18:52

You’re REALLY pissed off that they give childcare to their daughter aren’t you? You’ve mentioned it numerous times on the thread and you sound very jealous about it as you keep mentioning 7 years of free childcare.

It has been raised numerous times by people asking questions and making assumptions about it, and I have replied to them. Because people seem to think its unreasonable that you expect Yourself included. I am not just repeating it for no reason or out of context am I? And I don't think it's an unreasonable thing to be bothered by. Apart from in MN land.

Someone asked how it came about. Either SIL asked or PIL offered. Don't know. We didn't ask and it wasn't offered. But when we finally asked after years if they would have DD for 3 hours they offered the money for nursery instead. Apparently that makes us horrors?

For the people saying they now understand why MIL doesn't want to spend time with us. Thanks but they do, but in Clacton.

And for the last time. PIL do not pay for our holidays.

OP posts:
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