To Feel Insulted by PIL holiday decision?

[LizzieLookAtTheFlowers]

We have a lovely relationship with DH's parents and have really enjoyed holidays with them every other year since our children turned 3 (we couldn't afford it before then). They alternate with SIL and family.

I am pregnant with our 3rd and next year is our 'turn' to holiday with in-laws. We enjoy holidaying alone, too, but the kids absolutely love their grandparents adding an extra dimension to the fun. We asked them about booking something and sent some options and they told DH they won't go abroad with us if we have a baby, or even an under 3, because they didn't when they had their children.

So we won't be holidaying with them for the next 4 years, which means our children will be missing out on time with their grandparents while they are young.

They will still go away with SIL in the meantime, and they have a much closer relationship with her children anyway, so I feel this is another way that our children miss out with them.

I don't really understand what they have against babies. I find babies easier than 3-year-olds (ours will be 7 months by the time the holiday comes around.) We will look after our own baby, who will be breastfed like the others, so will always be with me and we don't have to worry about sterilising or making up bottles etc, not that it would be their responsibility if we did. We do BLW so baby will just eat what we eat, and we are looking at the Canaries, which isn't exactly primitive - they sell nappies and everything! We will have separate apartments, so they won't be disturbed at night, and we don't ask them to do any babysitting while away (last time they offered and looked after the kids for a couple of hours once while we went for a drink, that is it and we didn't ask or expect even that, we wanted to all spend time together.)

I don't understand how us having a baby will impact on them. It will be our responsibility. They have 4 holidays a year, two of which are to very luxury locations, and they usually enjoy their holidays with the grandkids in contrast. So this wouldn't be their only chance for a break or anything.

Are they being weird or am I wrong to feel insulted that they think our baby would ruin their holiday enough that they won't entertain the idea and miss out on time with their other two grandchildren for years to come?

You deserve the eye rolls. You're being a drama llama.

Anyway, off I'll fuck as requested

With every post, you’re betraying yourself.

You DO feel entitled to equal treatment as your SIL in behalf of your children, even though you acknowledge mothers are often closer to their daughters, and obvs PILs are closer to her children because they see them so much.

You DO feel better than SIL (via DH) for not asking for more. You say they offered to pay for a PM session as nursery - but you didn’t say no. How much could that cost? A few quid per week. Not a lot when you’re talking taking 3 kids abroad on holiday. Why would you accept that money from them, unless to ‘even it up’. So cringe.

You DO feel you’re owed something by your PILs. You talk about how they love children and do so much for their DGC and also MIL’s mom, but in the next breath talk about how they’re taking x many weeks holidays to y destination in z many star hotels.

It’s your baby. Babies change everything (as they should). Their kit and buggies take up space. Their needs need attending to. They have a habit of needing feeding and changing just when you’re ready to order in a restaurant. You can’t count on having a pre-dinner drink because babies are unpredictable and you can’t expect them to be doing something conducive to that when you want them to. The list goes on.

They’re not being weird. You’re being self-absorbed, needlessly and pointlessly competitive, and you’re hiding behind your children’s potential upset. Your PILs sound amazing.

Don't get the hard time the OP is getting. I'd be upset if my parents only went on holidays with my sister and her children and not me and mine. Especially if they also minded those children 2 days a week but not mine. Obviously in MN land no-one has these perfectly normal feelings of being left out or being less favoured but in real life people do.

In my family we would simply say it to our parents. I hope to god my own children would feel they could say "tbh mum the kids will be really disappointed at not going on hols with you because of the baby - is it really such a big deal?" Of course they can still say "no won't go with a baby" but at least your dh will have had an honest conversation with them.

(and they aren't paying her kids nursery fees - they pay for one afternoon because they felt guilty that they gave 2 days free childcare to the sister but nothing to their son's children).

Tell them straight what you have said here , you want your kids to be close t them and a 7 month old is easier than a 3 yr old etc etc and send then links to holidays , just plough on like you expect it to happen if they decline demand a detailed explanation that makes sense, it is weird going on holiday with people you can't question

I think your PIL have the right to make that decision - I think one needs to not take these things personally or compare with someone else, it's their choice. My MIL was less likely to do stuff with kids pre-3 and I accepted it was just not her thing really.

@pallisers they don't want to go abroad with the baby. SIL doesn't have a baby. So it's not comparable.

Also OP doesn't want to stay in the UK. She could holiday domestically with the GPs so her children and them could have that special time.

Oh my goodness, I have to agree with some of the other posters, the OP sounds like an absolute horror. Needy jealous and entitled.
The PIL have a rule, as long as they administer it fairly ( which I would assume you would have said if they hadnt) then their reasoning is no ones business and especially not yours.
Maybe it will give you time to spend holidays with your side of the family?

Op - how many times have you been away with them?

How many times has SIL been away with them?

I’d be upset too OP. My ILs have 2 daughters and one son(myDH)) the SILs have 4 kids between them, 2 each. We have one so far.
Neither of them (SIL)work. We both work. MIL has a spare car seat for SIL2’s baby so she can help out

She regularly collects him from various places. She has all of them for sleepovers frequently. She makes dinner for all of them twice a week. One day Dh called in with our ds and all the kids and both sisters were there. MIL made dinner for everyone except DH and our DS.

We asked her to have him for an hour on Monday as we had a meeting at the bank. She started making excuses before DH had finished the question.

It boils my piss. It’s so unfair. We ask maybe once a year and she can’t. They ask every week and it’s no problem. I get on really well with PILs and so does DH. There are no issues at all. Except that she thinks her girls are amazing and deserve continuous help and DH and I can just manage on our own. (Which we do)
I don’t expect help but it’d be nice if they treated us all the same.

If your DH wants to ask them I’d let him. It’s not fair

AIBU is so irritating sometimes. Can't we think people are BU without resorting to personal insults (and OP I see you have been deleted too!)

I'm sick of people just accepting personal insults and bunfights are just the nature of AIBU. It wasn't started as a fight club, it was started because so many people had AIBU type threads.

I also dislike people posting AIBU and then sticking their fingers in their ears and not taking anything on board. It's just so pointless. If you really didn't have doubts why did you post in the first place

I dont think the OP is a horro or entitled or jealous.
I do think that her DH should have talked to his parents a looong time ago when they showed they were ready to make an effort with their dd and her dcs but preferred to throw away money at their son in compensation.

I would ant to know of the 'rule' about the dcs under 3yo has also been applied to the dd's children or if the PIL 'choose' to stay in the uk instead to spend time with said grand children.
There seems to be some sort of 'rule' that its ok to be loser to their dd than their ds as well as their respective children. Its a real shame and yes children will pick up on it. I would ignore it though.
Your dc @LizzieLookAtTheFlowers wont know any different and therefore wont 'miss' the close relationhsip. But i would make a point of strengthening your relationship with your own parents instead.

T h I’ve been abroad with friends who had a baby, and even though my DH and I had no real involvement with caring for the baby, it was still stressful. The baby cried a lot probably due to the heat. Baby was breastfed which interrupted many a day out and about, a lot of activities were ruled out as prams and babies can be quite restrictive. All this is obviously accepted by parents, but others that are in the party can find it disruptive on a holiday that they save up for and take once a year.

@Notcopingwellhere haha, this is very MIL. She's lovely but says some weird things in weird ways. That is what DH said to me but is honestly probably exactly what she said, I can see her saying it.

All people calling me "dramatic" I'd like to point out that I have used the words "insulted" and "miffed" - hardly claiming to be devastated by this. So... calm down, eh? I use the word insulted because to me it infers that me and DH won't look after our own child and will be using them as childcare, which is far from the truth - we haven't ever done this.

To recap, the reason I don't get their position is that from my POV the baby isn't their responsibility it's ours. They don't even need to sit near us on the plane or go on the same flight. So I don't see what their problem is. They are free to go out for dinner or for days out on their own as they have done on our two previous abroad holidays together and our previous UK holidays. They don't have to share a house or apartment with the baby (but probably would in the UK, ironically). They don't need to worry about feeding the baby or looking after it because I will be doing all of that. We aren't routine people, babies fit into our life we have them nap in slings and prams and we don't have to worry about getting back for milk or feeds - our babies have always been portable and fitted into our lives and we have been very relaxed. For those reasons, I don't see why it makes a difference to them if we are abroad or in the UK.

Nobody who thinks I ABU has actually shed any light on that for me. They love babies, FIL is a babyholic, they love other people's baby's on holiday. I don't get why ours is so objectionable abroad. That's it. Not too dramatic, I am not going to fall out with them about it, I am interested to see other perspectives but nobody has really enlightened me.

DH has gone off to speak to them because he wants to know their reasons. That should probably be more enlightening. I'm sure they have them.

As for people saying they are "paying our kids nursery fees" they offered to pay for one PM session when we increased her hours to try to redress the balance because they have provided 7 years of free childcare to their other adult child while we paid our own way - as we should. I have said I am grateful for that but I would rather my DD had their time than their money for another afternoon at nursery. She would rather spend time playing with her grandparents like her cousins do, but she doesn't know anything about it so the problem belongs to me and DH. If that makes me such an unreasonable cow then fine, you're welcome to your opinion.

On the matter of their time, DH says we just need to impose ourselves more, but we can't bring ourselves to. We should probably ask more but we don't feel we can because they are already overcommitted. But this is a whole different issue that I actually wish I hadn't got into - I only did as I was answering questions I should probably have ignored.

They’ve done the right thing by saying this now, before your baby is here, as it’s not about the baby (your lovely baby) but babies in general.
I understand why you are disappointed, but equally I think it is fine for them to have their own parameters with regards to how they holiday. They’ve pointed out they applied them to themselves back in the day after all, and I assume they thought their own babies were the bees knees.
Just do your own thing and don’t let it cause a rift if any kind.

If PIL have all that money to spend on holidays in retirement then I imagine they've spent their whole lives working their arses off. They deserve to enjoy their money.

That means holidaying as they see fit. As so many other PP have said, a baby changes the whole dynamic. Babies cry. Loudly. It's just what they do and unfortunately, this means that everyone else in the vicinity has no peace and quiet. What do people go on holiday for? Peace and quiet! With that reasoning, money spent on a holiday where there will be little peace and quiet is money wasted.

Is there any reason why you can't just go on holiday on your own?

I agree with everything @7salmonswimming said. I do not agree with the ‘demand to know why’ comments. The GP’s have already said they DO NOT want to holiday with babies or toddlers. They’re retired for god sake and are allowed to choose who they go on holiday with. If my son ever questioned my decision of who I go on holiday with he’d be sent back to his ungrateful and jealous wife with a flea in his ear. 🙄

"DH says we just need to impose ourselves more"

Says it all.

I'm sorry but people have been giving plenty of reasons why you're being unreasonable and why people might not want to holiday with a baby... you just don't want to accept them.

Let it go, go on your own holiday.

I think the reality of taking a baby abroad will be a very unpleasant shock to you

Err... why?

We have been abroad with a 6 month old, a 10 month old, a 22 month old plus a 3 month old, a 2 year old plus a 10 month old, a 3 year old plus a 1 year old, a 4 year old and a 2 year old and will in a couple of weeks be going with a 5 year old, a 4 year old and a 6 month old. Always had a lovely time.

If they were blanket banning holidaying with you until your youngest was a certain age fair enough but they aren't, you just aren't willing to stay in the UK. What's more important, holidays with the grandparents or going abroad?

My eldest is 4, he hasn't been out of the UK yet because I hate flying with small children and much prefer more active holidays (beaches are my idea of hell) which aren't that child friendly. It's not as if they care at that age.

just plough on like you expect it to happen if they decline demand a detailed explanation that makes sense

This approach would received a firm “we have already told you we do not wish to holiday with babies or toddlers”. Why would adults continue to whine like spoiled children when they have already been given a reason? They could knock themselves out with expecting it to happen but it wouldn’t. The OP and her husband do not deserve a detailed explanation, they already have one - the PIL are adults and are capable of making their own decisions.

Nobody who thinks I ABU has actually shed any light on that for me.

They don't have to explain themselves, nor do your in-laws. You are convinced you are right so I don't really think you will take any other points on board. You can agree to disagree with your in-laws and I think you probably would if you were not so concerned about your SIL. If she had a young baby they'd say exactly the same to her AND you've already said that your SIL wouldn't take a baby that young abroad anyway!

But now your DH has gone off to quiz them on something you've done (perhaps) twice in your life seeking a satisfactory explanation ... yet short of them capitulating and agreeing to go on holiday you're not going to be happy with the response anyway. There will be no winners here, unfortunately.

If my son ever questioned my decision of who I go on holiday with he’d be sent back to his ungrateful and jealous wife with a flea in his ear. 🙄

every now and then I come across a comment which makes me even more grateful for my lovely parents.

I can't get over all this screaming baby business.

Took mine at 4 months, 18 months and 2 years.

At 4 months - just woke for feeds, played in the shade (I say played) then slept all night as exhausted by the fresh air and heat - not a problem.

18 months a UK holiday, up and out early, lunch and swim - then she's sleep for 4 hours ready for evening out - not a problem.

2 years, similar - although she was legging it everywhere, less naps and much harder to get to sleep all hyper

Babies are easy!

I would feel exactly the same way as you OP. Not only is not going away with an under 3 clearly bonkers but clearly favouring their daughters children is simply mean and unfair. Can they not invite your daughter for sleepovers when they have your nephew or not enough space?

I would also be feeling quite resentful about this.