To ask adult to move seat for toddler

[Topsecretidentity]

Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

(I'd be balling him out for being a child himself.) And I wouldn't hesitate, 2 year old that had already sat there that I'd put her child seat on chair (that he moved?!) whilst we got tea .. And grown up adult who missed his size?! It's a no brainer.

*misused not 'missed'

It's parenting like this that has lead to the entitled bunch of brats we've been afflicted with today.

Yeah, not like the admirable resilience of a generation of grown adults who will argue with a two year old over a seat next to her mum!

It's really insulting to people who have or have had diagnosed OCD to say that "you know" your 2yo's toddler behaviour is OCD. DS1 had OCD in his early teens. It was the worst time of my life, and I've had bad times. I spent months in tears, hours at my GP surgery and with CAHMs, and days and nights sitting with him trying to help him. It was awful and it almost cost him his dream career. When that happened I spent night after night awake worrying if I'd done the right thing by gettig the help and the diagnosis. You've got no idea of what OCD actually is and the impact it has.

You could have moved to the empty place and put your daughter in your seat, or put your daughter to the other side of you. Giving into a 2yo's demands isn't ideal, imo

YANBU. At 2 she is still working so much out about the world. Her prefrontal cortex and reasoning skills are still developing and often a "demand" or tantrum is not outright manipulation (thats giving a small child the benefit of sophistication that she downt have), it is an expression of frustration or concern that she down have the skills to express in a more "adult" manner. Sticking to your guns about DB staying in the seat wouldn't have taught her anything as she didn't understand. In her mind her connection is to you, she had sat next to you earlier and this was less about a behaviour and more about her level of understanding and attachment needs. I hope your brother does some growing up before he has kids.

Plastic plate/plastic chair, sorry but really doesn't make much difference.

Your brother is a twat.

Lots of people on this thread who think a family BBQ is the place for having teaching moments with a two year old

........or showing consistency so the 2 yr old doesn't quickly learn they can get anything they want outside the home, as 'rules' are different from when they are inside the home ?

YABU! Little miss Mariah Carey needs to learn now that you have respect for elders. Age before beauty and all that! It's parenting like this that has lead to the entitled bunch of brats we've been afflicted with today

Fuckinghell. This is about a two year old. A TWO year old. I can't take any more of this batshittery today.

OP, whether you were U or NU, you sound normal, and frankly when faced with this ^^ kind of thing, just don't give it more headspace (but don't let your DB babysit!)

NIght all.

What do you expect a 2 year old to do then @IvanaPee? Genuine question. She said to DB "that's not your chair, that's my chair- sit over there". Isn't that just how 2 year olds talk?
Language mastery and pleasantries isn't her strong point. Admittedly she could've said please but I didn't make her, as rightly or wrongly I thought she had a point.

@Trebla
Totally agree. Toddlers don't have OCD. That's entirely different. And not to be misused.

Bit worried about some of the PPs who are supporting an adult who is behaving badly and arguing against a normal toddler response when she'd already sat next to her mum and her place had been dibs by her plastic plate set out. None of my adult siblings nor friends would have batted an eyelid that she was at next to her MUM! And they'd prefer it. Or would have moved even if they'd been there first, as would I, for another toddler to sit next to their mum. Your brother is a bit of a douche OP. And FGS ignore his sanctimous speil about why he is "King of everything".

@Topsecretidentity

Quite right!! How in earth did you contain your ire at your VU brother,? Did he "win", die your parents bit ball him out? Did no one else say "don't be an idiot, she's a toddler DBname?"

If you know that ‘her’ seat is important to her then don’t let her choose one until she is actually ready to sit down or else keep it free for her. You set her up to fail at the party.

did not die. 😬😮

She said to DB "that's not your chair, that's my chair- sit over there". Isn't that just how 2 year olds talk?

Well, it’s not how any of my children spoke, or my nieces and nephews. Because we taught them not to be so rude, even at two.

What point did she have? She’d gotten up for ten minutes!

I would have moved if I’d be in her seat, but not if I’d been spoken to like that. I would have expected you to teach your child manners. Not because I’m an adult but because lack of manners make for very unpleasant children, who turn into wankers a lot of the time.

At two I wouldn’t expect her to remember to say please all the time, I’d expect her parent to teach her every time.

And like I said - I couldn’t be arsed to have bratty kids and useless parents at my own parties so you’d be off the guest list for the future for me!

I think your brother just wanted to have a go at you and this presented an opportunity.

@Myotherusernameisshy
Toddlers don't sit at seats for long. They have a little Duracell battery that keeps them going ... But it's nbu to arrange that your toddler sits next to you. Unless there were no other seats the ADULT could have sat at. Doesn't sound like that's the case. Sounds like he was trying to be controlling over a 2 year old child and berate his sister in her parenting . OP might be able to clarify. But he sounds like an insecure douchy adult male (cpuld have been a female) misusing his size.

Presumably had he got that seat then got up for food, he’d expect to return to his seat too. YANBU.

Entitled brats? Raising girls (in particular) to feel comfortable asserting themselves around men is no bad thing at all. I’d rather raise women with moxy who some claim are rude.

You set her up to fail at the party.

Fail? What did she fail at?

She said to DB "that's not your chair, that's my chair- sit over there". Isn't that just how 2 year olds talk?
Its your job to teach her that's not how to speak to an adult. I understand you don't want to create a big scene but there is a middle ground. You can reassure your DC that it's ok, there's room for everyone at the table, but be firm and not allow her to dictate to an adult to move for her.

@IvanaPee
I'd prefer a 2 year old toddler that had place saved for them and adult could sit elsewhere than an adult without any understanding that's a bit if a dick . Maybe hope the adult learns some manners and doesn't misuse their size! That sounds far more impolite!
Different if seating was limited (can't tell from original post) but if not....

I'd say the adult brother was the impolite one without manners here.

But then what do I know? Except my DC are beautifully behaved and I don't know many ignorant adults like OP's DB.

You were all in the wrong!
DD shouldn't have been demanding though at a family event it can be overwhelming.
DB should have admitted his mistake and offered to move.
You should have highlighted DD was sitting there but offer to move yourself or DD so DB could stay where he was.

I know Will, I’ve got 3! But if my kids get down from a seat then it’s not their seat anymore, especially not 10 minutes later at a party.
I think OPs dd has acted like a toddler and needs a bit of help from her mum to teach her reasonable expectations and good manners. It’s not a two year olds fault she is being rude to people if nobody is teaching her otherwise.

@TheFairyCaravan I'm sorry for your OCD experience. I don't know if DD has OCD but I am just saying there are some things we and nursery have picked up on that seem beyond the realms of usual toddler behaviour. But I feel is too early to know if it's just a phase. I also had OCD that developed when I turned 10 and had to have CBT until and during uni. It reoccurred towards breastfeeding with my first. My mum also has OCD. But mine is relatively mild (narrow) and not around cleanliness. I have no doubt many people have OCD worse than I could imagine but I really do know how it can impair your life. And DD seems to exhibit the signs (I also have ADHD but don't think DD shows signs of it at this stage so I'm not just looking for an excuse for my shoddy parenting). I only mentioned the suspected OCD to explain how I knew DD would have a tantrum.

That said, it may be insensitive of me to question some of DDs behaviour as OCD without a diagnosis so I'm sorry to have caused you upset.