To ask adult to move seat for toddler

[Topsecretidentity]

Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

A plastic plate sitting randomly on a table at a family BBQ.

Adult wanders up and sits at the vacant place at the table.

2 year old wanders up and demands adult move.

All hell breaks loose and said 2 year old has probably forgotten the whole incident 5 minutes later.

Adults still fuming days later.

Kids get seats?

I have always said that regardless of age you can't just command respect. To get it you have to give it. Had this been a fellow adult who got up out of their seat, they would have been given the seat back with out question.

I’d ask my sibling to move in a polite way and I’d have asked any of my DCs to ask politely too.

There’s also a potential difference between the way siblings behave towards each other and the way other relations do. I would be more polite to an aunt or uncle than to my sibling.

So while I think it’s absolutely right that she should get her chair back (I don’t think children should automatically defer to adults, nor that adults are more important), I’d definitely have corrected her for asking rudely.

Then again, I’ve spent too much of my life getting walked over. If you don’t, then maybe it’s you who has this correct!

Okay, so I get that your child WANTS her own way we ALL do.
Sounds like your brother is an old fashioned type “respect elders”
I absolutely agree with him!
We live in a society of such snowflakes and entitled brats that I really am scared for the future!
I would be more concerned about teaching her that world does not revolve around her or one day she could just get a nasty shock

"would you treat an adult in the same manner?" Not exactly the same as a 2 year old that's ridiculous! But would I have argued they left the seat, so it was free in such an informal setting and that they were rude if they had worded their argument similarly? Yes!

"I'm pretty sure I would have said similar to my brother (I.e.get off my seat mate). Is it because of her age she needs to ask politely even on circumstances where an adult wouldn't?" If that's truly what you would say (I'm somewhat sceptical) then actually I'd say you need to learn some manners too. That's not how ANYONE should be speaking to anyone else.

"I have to disagree with this, sorry. My dad was the type of man that was a pillar of the community, on his best, smiley jokey and jovial behaviour outside but miserable at home" not the same thing at all. My father is/was outright abusive at home but mr "life of the party" outside it. Completely different scenario.

People being able to relax/vent at home in a way they can't in company is normal.

Good manners need to be practiced and reinforced in all environments.

"but my wider family are not and I'd rather not inflict it on them" there are ways of avoiding that which don't include pandering to a 2 year olds poor manners and behaviour.

"Again, the child is 2 which kinda excuses her from having the social niceties down to a tee just yet." While true to a degree, it's not the 2 year olds behaviour I and others are calling into question in terms of consistency but op's as the parent. I don't expect a 2 year old to always behave perfectly (but I do think what she said was shockingly rude) I DO expect parents to consistently address and correct poor behaviour.

I'm all for assertiveness but it's possible to be assertive without being rude and that's where op should be steering the child to.

Op I do appreciate the apology re ocd though. I'm just sick of it being used wrongly.

Your children have never sounded a bit rude, without meaning to?

Possibly. But not on my watch. I’d have made them apologize for being rude. OP didn’t make dd apologize so hasn’t taught her that it’s not ok to speak to people that way.

She wasn’t being assertive. She was a child who needs to be taught.

And don’t start with the misogynistic shite, folks! Please. 🙄🙄🙄

It’s got fuck all to do with learning to speak up to a MAN (gasp).

How utterly ridiculous to suggest it.

She said to DB "that's not your chair, that's my chair- sit over there". Isn't that just how 2 year olds talk?
No, it isn't. if you think it is, at what age is it not ok to be that rude? It is never to early to start using manners.

Don't get out much then do ya?!
And the point is, if she wanted it back, he should have shifted his arse and let her have her seat.
Or should the MAN take priority?

What a load of BS.
I get out plenty and, as an adult, if I move and go off somewhere else for 10 mins, I sit wherever is available on my return. I don't 'demand' the person who took my vacated seat shift their arse for me. I don't care if it is a man or a woman.
The person in this instance was a man. Could easily have been a woman. Would this have changed your view?
That misogynistic shit is not something I would teach MY daughter!
Well I do hope you are teaching her better manners than you seem to have.
There was a vacant seat right next the the OP on the other side. Save your crusade for a more appropriate situation, nothing misogynistic here.

In that case, Ivana we are on the same page. Children need to be coached, encouraged and corrected.

I still think the uncle in question was an arse, I’d be astonished if my brother behaved like that. He’s more likely to say “X that was rude, you need to ask nicely” directly to his niece, than lose his head and call in to question my parenting skills.

My db/ds would do the same.

However, OP doesn’t think her dd did any wrong and I suspect the parenting comment came after it escalated so I’m sure there was fault on both sides.

He doesn't babysit.

Keep it that way.

She's two years old. A baby.

It's natural that your small child would want to sit next to you. Your DB is an immature fool.

Wow, your DB is a twat. Stealing your DD's place, then saying she is unreasonable to be upset by that. SHE'S TWO!

I hope he never has kids. His parenting style would be authoritarian and abusive (smacking).

He sounds an arse. Of course a toddler wants to sit by her parent. He was stupid to sit there in the first place when her plate was there.

If the seat the other side was free, I think when 2 year old came back iwoukd have told her seat is gone as you were not sat on it but let's both move up one seat. Then she could still sit on the left of you or whatever.

I don't think I would ask an adult to move as the child needs to learn at some stage that empty seats will be sat on by others.

If you didnt want confrontation on that day you could have shifted along to create a gap between you and brother for her to sit. Probably the child wouldn't have realised there was a change.

I can't believe you omitted the fact the seat the other side of you was free in the OP!

YABU (so was your brother, he should have been offering to move and you should have been insisting he stayed).

@bingbongnoise you're being ridiculous it's not about the child being male or female, it's about acceptable behaviour.

So if the DD was a DS and it was an aunt and not an uncle, you would expect different behaviour?

And OP your referring to OCD just seemed like an excuse to allow bad behaviour.

@Aprillygirl the DD could've sat next to her mum, in the spare seat the other side of her.

Your db is an adult of course he should have moved when he realised your child was sitting there (is there any reason why you didn't immediately ask him to sit in the other seat?) DD is a young toddler and in her young mind, had 'saved' her seat next to her mother.

Of course she will protest, she is two, and has not been conditioned yet to know about manners.

I would think very carefully about inviting him again. He sounds unkind to your dd, unkind to you and completely without manners and very immature. It would bother me a lot, and I would never let him look after her alone.

I was all set to say you were being unreasonable after seeing the title, thinking you were sat on a bus or a train and could just put toddler on your lap. But in this instance your brother is being an absolute tosser. I'm guessing he doesn't have kids? Otherwise he'd have known that you would have been unable to eat and enjoy your food with a toddler plonked on your lap! He's a grown man having a tantrum, and criticising a toddler for potentially having a tantrum? It sounds like he has far worse behaviour than your toddler. What an idiot. I'd avoid anyone who thought it was okay to insult my child and my parenting because he couldn't get his own way!

Also I fucking hate adults who treat children with this sort of disrespect. My thoughts always are "would I do this to an adult?" And if the answer is no then it's not okay to do to a child either! That's pretty simple. Would he have been an obnoxious prick who refused to move if he sat in an adults chair, or would he have politely apologised and moved quickly? I'm guessing the latter (unless he's even more of a dickhead than he already seems) and so it's ridiculous that he wouldn't do it for a child. I think adults like this are ultimately cowards - they respect adults because they have to, and fear the repurcussions, but think they can treat children with a total lack of respect because they can blame the parents for any reaction the child has (I'm hormonal and I think this has annoyed me an irrational amount! I'm really mad about this even though it involves me in no way. I'm even a bit annoyed with my brother imagining that it was me, my toddler and him in this situation. Should stop reading AIBU while pregnant and hormonal! )

@Aprillygirl the DD could've sat next to her mum, in the spare seat the other side of her.

As could the brother.

I can see why someone might not get any respect from the younger generation when describing them as 'snowflakes' and 'entitled brats'.

You get the respect back that you give out.

I would tell him that he is welcome to comment on your parenting when he has kids of his own and not before.

Arse.

Why couldn't she sit opposite in the empty seat?

He is totally right - you say you want her to stop being whiny but do nothing to actually achieve that. There was a seat the other side of you, when you get up off a seat, it's not 'yours' anymore and you're teaching her that she just needs to glare at people and whine and tantrum and she'll get what she wants.