To ask adult to move seat for toddler

[Topsecretidentity]

Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

Wow, he was being such a jerk. She wanted to sit next to her mummy and it was already her seat. Some adults are unbelievable!!

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I’ve done that now, it’s annoying because I like the function when someone is directly responding to me, but when you ask someone not to do it, and your email keeps pinging. She could easily have responded to me without @ ing me 🤦‍♀️
It’s all good now

Can we have a bit of peace and love, please?

I’m not sure that trying to avoid a tantrum in a social gathering is actually pandering. OP was trying to avoid a tantrum rather than giving in once the tantrum had started.

At 2 I think my kids would have thought putting their plate on the table would have reserved their seat. When we go on holiday we ‘reserve’ our table by putting sunglasses or a hat on it while we go to the buffet. I wouldn’t be pleased if someone sat at the table in our absence.

If my DB had just sat down next to me in DC’s seat just as everyone’s being called for food; I’d have told him to sit in the seat on the other side of me and he would have without question. We aren’t a pandering family but are quite easy going towards little ones. Once they are a little older they have their own table or a picnic blanket. Even the older kids make allowances for the little ones.

your db sounds like a 2 year old.

Yes it is all good now. Always was for me 😊

We have a family bbq coming up, funnily enough.

The oldest of my three children is five and half, so they are all little. Like other guests, they will get a plate and take a seat. Nobody will take it if they get up to play or go to the toilet, get something etc. Nobody will take any of my children’s seats because they are loved and respected as equal members of the gathering. That is why there won’t be any tantrums from them, and why there rarely are. Because they are growing up knowing that you should treat others as you expect to be treated. And that message is reinforced on a habitual level without making them feel misunderstood or subdued or removed to their room.

My son and daughter are both regularly praised at school and nursery for their beautiful manners, kindness and social skills. I have never once had any issue with them playing up somewhere else, at a party, at school or anywhere. I’ve never sent them to their rooms or dealt with them in a way they don’t understand. They are really happy exuberant children buy they know through explanation, iteration and learning through example rather than punishment that there are boundaries.

@LilyMumsnet
Can we have a bit of peace and love, please?

You know you started it all with your @@, don't you?

@MummyMayo1988 this thread is seriously frustrating. The seat next to Mummy was empty. 2 year old wanted the other seat next to her which was being sat in so demanded he move. He refused so Mummy kicked off. It’s really that simple.

@Lweji you’re kicking off at Mumsnet ?

No way.

I love it when they come up with the peace and love messages. There should be one in every thread at least.

Develop a tantruming personality 😂😂 what an arse! I take it he doesn't have children?!
Yes children have to learn, but it's also about a bit of give and take and I'm certainly with you on picking your battles!!

This is insane!

It all could have been solved by OP going “say please, darling”.

The end.

Ywbu, you pandered to her to avoid a tantrum.

That's never good, as children learn very quickly what works and how to get what they want.

The more you give in to avoid a tantrum, the worse those tantrums will get.

Mother of 6, here's my 2p:

SHE'S 2 YEARS OLD.

YANBU because a toddler SHOULD be sitting next to it's mother, where that is in a high chair, on a picnic blanket on your lap or in a chair at the table is personal choice.... your personal choice.

The only spoilt child is your overgrown spoilt DB who clearly thinks he should take precedence over a small child who wants her mum and hasn't yet learned to communicate.

By attacking your parenting he is shifting the blame and justifying his own bad behaviour: if I was you I would go over to see him on your own and tell him this in no uncertain terms and whilst you're there make it clear that your child is your priority not him and that is never going to change regardless of age and as he has ZERO children and therefore ZERO parenting knowledge or skills he can keep his nasty remarks to himself in future or you will be dealing with him more harshly than you are currently. Then leave without hearing his response (make it clear on arrival you are there to give him information, not have a conversation). Then leave him to stew.

People behave like this because people like you are too nice and they know they will not be taken to task so give him a shock and best of luck to you.

If he wants to be the centre of attention and be a giant man baby, he can sit next to his own mother.

CF.

@FelicisNox there was a spare chair the other side of the mother, the DD was always going to be next to her mum.

I feel like if the VERY pertinent info about the empty seat on the other side was included in the OP, then those poll results would be very different.

Our neighbour had a daughter like this. She was about 7 and would scream and cry if anyone tried to sit in the middle of the car's back seat. She didn't even want to budge for other passengers or groceries or anything and he'd give in most time. 10 years later and everytime he talks about her, he tells us how spoilt and entitled she is. Anecdotal, of course, but not the only time I've seen children grow with the entitled behaviour.

2, at a family BBQ where she'd had a seat and her plate put out? YANBU, your brother was the one that tantrummed, over a 2 year old asking for their seat back (possibly rudely, but deal with the rudeness, rather than retaliate by refusing to move himself!).

I have two kids who know their manners (most of the time), and these days (5 and 8) could be asked to move, and either of them, if a little one had already got their plate out, would have moved their seat without fuss, because that's polite.

Your brother sounds like one of those people who doesn't really think that children are people, with thoughts and feelings. That they should always defer to adults. I don't agree with that as a blanket rule at all.

Do these threads just live forever?

@FelicisNox not sure what sitting next to Mum has got to do with anything given there was an empty seat on the other side of Mum. It was just that the toddler wanted someone to move out of the specific seat they wanted!

Your brother sounds so childish and obvious he has not children of his own. Tell him to keep his parenting advice to himself and shove it up his arse. Cheeky sod. She picked the seat. It was her seat ffs. Obviously shes going to want to sit next to her mummy! I'd be really peeved at him and his judgement. Don't feel bad, you did abosultely nothing wrong.

I have changed teams.

I read this scenario to my husband without giving my view & he said something like:

you want a nice family meal, really you want a two year old to come & sit nicely at the table - the two year old is just two remember & is coming up as called & to the place she thinks she’s meant to be sitting in. Surely you just move no? He should just move not to avoid a tantrum, but just because it’s polite? We’ve rearranged the seating when ours have wanted to sit next to someone in particular you can’t imagine an adult refusing? Is that what you said?

Me: erm no not quite. She can’t just demand someone move for her.

Him: she’s two though & that was where she was expecting to sit. Surely it’s ridiculous to not just let a two year old sit where they were expecting to sit?

So I’ve done a full u-turn & changed my mind. I was thinking OP was very unreasonable but actually I think the ‘avoiding a tantrum’ was a red herring to me - I’m now switching sides & am on team OP.

Yeyyyy Average, welcome to team OP!

average your man makes a lot of sense 😁😁😁

Did your DH read the bit where there was a free chair on the other side of her mum, average?