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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask adult to move seat for toddler

530 replies

Topsecretidentity · 01/07/2019 23:05

Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

OP posts:
thewinkingprawn · 01/07/2019 23:26

She had been gone for 10 mins. I would have been annoyed if I had been your DB too. She either sits down and eats or has to sit where she is told. I have 3 children and honestly all this pandering to keep the peace drives me nuts. If an adult had vacated the chair for 10 mins I wouldn’t expect them to come back and take the chair either (in response to PP who said he wouldn’t face off to an adult like that). Also in my experience we often find it hard to see when we are pandering and others often aren’t wrong - they are the centre of our own world but really no one else’s. It doesn’t sound like you like your DB much though.

Drum2018 · 01/07/2019 23:26

She'd been sitting there already, her plate was there so why did he then sit there? He was being a dick. He could have just moved to the other side of you. If she hadn't already been seated on that chair then I'd say YWBU.

saraclara · 01/07/2019 23:27

okay - but still, there are ways of avoiding her tantruming that don't involve making someone move, when she's just been demanding and rude.
My wording might not have been right, but there are plenty of other ways of encouraging her to the other side of you without it ending in a paddy.

Spinnaret · 01/07/2019 23:29

There's none that know so much about parenting as those who haven't tried it. Your DB was talking out of his arse and deliberately trying to goad both you and your DD by the sound of it. Any adult that accuses a 2 year old of giving evil glares loses any credibility they might have had.

Weezol · 01/07/2019 23:30

To try be as fair to DB as possible, the seat on the other side of me was free

Righto, so there was a seat free next to you and you allow your child to issue demands to avoid a tantum. That's pandering.

I totally disagree with hitting (because that's what 'smacking' really means) and agree he shouldn't babysit, but I think he's possibly right in this instance.

Original poster
Topsecretidentity · 01/07/2019 23:32

A quick'don't worry DD come sit here, this one is free'' wouldn't been fine, she'd wandered off to play

It's hard to describe but there's some things DD is very chill on, but her seat is not one of them. I think she has a form of OCD with certain things as she's very rigid and won't budge even with the offer of something better (I.e. if you sit in this other seat I'll give you ice cream). There definitely would've been a huge tantrum but maybe I should have just let it happen.

It doesn’t sound like you like your DB much though.

I like him a lot but don't agree with his views on parenting and his commentary and critique on my parenting (not the first time). I sense he doesn't like DD very much as she was a cryer as a baby and has what I consider a normal amount of tantrums as a toddler. But he has commented how much better my DS who is a baby is and compares DS to DD which I really don't like.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 01/07/2019 23:36

Well, if you were on a train, the adult would be entitled to the seat. The toddler would sit on your lap. In this case there was another seat on your other side, so as should have sat there. She's going to be a proper princess if you let her get away with that!

Justmuddlingalong · 01/07/2019 23:36

I don't think she has a form of OCD. I think she knows what she wants and will get it if you think she'll tantrum if she doesn't.

sonjadog · 01/07/2019 23:38

Why didn’t you just move one seat along so she would have been sitting on the same side of you as before? I wouldn’t be impressed either if I were made to move in the middle of eating when there was a chair free.

Italiangreyhound · 01/07/2019 23:38

"Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers."

It is 100% relevant. your brother shouldn't be giving you parenting advice! Well, he can, but I would ignore it. I think what you did was totally reasonable and your brother was being very unhelpful. If/when he has kids of his own remind him how he expects people to parent!

Lucylou321 · 01/07/2019 23:39

What you've described as thinking she has ocd just sounds like she's being a spoilt entitled brat to meBlush
I'm with your DB on this one. Especially as there was a seat the other side of you. She shouldn't be making demands at her age and you shouldn't be pandering to her to avoid tantrums in my opinion.

constantlyseekinghappiness · 01/07/2019 23:39

Lots of ‘entitled mothers’ on this thread.

Op YABU.

And I really doesn’t matter if your DB has children or not, the world doesn’t revolve around your little one.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 01/07/2019 23:40

Don’t excuse difficult behaviour - my 3 year old is extremely stubborn but it’s not OCD, I’ve simply been too soft (and we’re working on that now). Toddlers are clever and if you accept this kind of behaviour now then you’ll suffer later (as I am now).

Reluctant2ndtimer · 01/07/2019 23:40

So DB sat down at the table at a place set with a toddlers plastic plate then kicked up a fuss when DD said it was her seat, (which the plastic plate would have shown him) but she’s the one throwing a tantrum when she wanted to sit back down where she had started off? What makes hers a tantrum and his not? Sounds just like my brother who also has no children and doesn’t get to babysit, just trying to prove a point but really just proving that he is a knob.

15YemenRoad · 01/07/2019 23:40

You completely pandered to your daughter - he was right. You admitted there was a seat next to you so why did you not step in and tell her it's rude to demand things like this and to come sit down next to you on the other side. Instead, you validated her poor form and created an issue.

You've also said she has a manner in speaking when demanding things, if you stop setting precedent for bad behaviour, you'll see a change in her attitude.

All this was completely unnecessary and a good family day was slightly ruined because you would not tell your toddler to sit next to you on the other side. Let that sink in as that's the reality of it.

Had there been no other seats available near to you, it would be different but this was not the case at all.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/07/2019 23:40

Your DB sounds like a massive child himself. Why was he trying to get 'one up' on a 2yo? Does he feel jealous of her in some way? Or was it a genuine mistake on his part?

2-4yos can be very, very particular and stubborn about some very little things, like what shape their toast is cut into. That's completely normal. Doing things their way, when it makes no difference to anyone else, is just sensible.

Winding them up on these issues is stupid and nasty.

perfectstorm · 01/07/2019 23:44

Oh bless his heart. There is never such a perfect parent as someone childless, is there?

He thinks it's good parenting to smack two year olds. He can safely be ignored!

MRex · 01/07/2019 23:44

DB was unreasonable because he saw her plate, so he was trying to provoke something. He doesn't sound like a nice guy.

On the other hand, you had a seat next to you, so you could tell DD that she can sit in the one on your left between you and Grandad or in your seat between you and DB, which would she prefer? (I think I can guess). Toddlers love choices.

I'm a bit torn because your DB's so nasty, can I choose sending him to bed with no dinner?

Original poster
Topsecretidentity · 01/07/2019 23:44

@Justmuddlingalong perhaps... But I'm not like that at home only at special public occasions (i.e. party or wedding not shopping) to try and keep the peace. My mum and others have told me I'm very (too) strict. So I know it's OCD or a very strong personality because (for example) at home she will want to use the same plate/spoon regardless of whether it's available...and I don't pander to it then but she will 9 times out of 10 tantrum until she gives in. But the way I see it, home and everyday occassions (i.e. park, shopping, nursery run) are for serious discipline/ to practice manners. When we're at special occasions then I'm just putting into practice what hopefully has already been learnt at home. If it doesn't work then I go back to the drawing board at home but keep the peace at the event. Is that pandering then?

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 01/07/2019 23:47

It sounds like your status as a parent and his status as a non-parent has left him feeling a bit left out, like he's missed the bus or something, and he's taking it out on you and your DD.

People who don't have kids don't have to like them but they should really refrain from commenting on what they perceive as faults in how others parent. So overall, YANBU.

Sunshineonleith12 · 01/07/2019 23:47

I would have been bright and breezy to my DC and said 'Oh well, now you can sit here instead!' I think expecting an adult to pander to a child is not correct.

slashlover · 01/07/2019 23:47

YANBU to ask. YABU to allow DD to demand.

saraclara · 01/07/2019 23:48

It's not OCD, it's being two years old. They all have 'things' that they find difficult to manage if change is needed. And the alternative 'strong personality' isn't a good thing (nor is it accurate). They need to be managed with firmess as well as empathy..

BackforGood · 01/07/2019 23:50

I'm with your DB too.
It was a family BBQ. She had the choice of sitting by either parent, Grandparents, aunts, uncles etc, or - as you have stated - right by you on the other side or even on your lap. Usually at a family BBQ, I'd expect people to move around, to talk to different people too.
You gave in to her, so the next time she 'demands' something, she will expect it too. The more you give in, the greater confidence it will give her to demand her own way.

Sunshineonleith12 · 01/07/2019 23:51

In terms of the OCD concerns my DS was like that at the same age. I can see why you'd want to avoid tantrums by giving her the familiar spoon etc but you need to be the one in control so by all means provide her with the preferred spoon (or whatever) but not if she's tantrumming or demanding it.

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