To ask adult to move seat for toddler

[Topsecretidentity]

Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

Your DD was being perfectly reasonable. It’s developmentally appropriate for a toddler to want - even need - things to be as they expect, it’s part of starting to understand/feel safe in the world. Obviously things can’t always be as a toddler expects but in this case it was eminently possible.

The bit I don’t get is why you didn’t tell your (very U) brother that your DD was sitting there when he first tried to sit in her place. It had her plastic plate already there, FFS. Then your DD wouldn’t have had to “demand” anything. She should have been able to rely on you to do that for her, really.

Do you find it hard to stand up to him? Given that he feels entitled to criticise your parenting, and advocates physical violence towards very young children in the name of “punishment”, I wonder if he’s a bit of a bully/overbearing generally?

So you expect good behaviour at home, even if results in tantrums, but will accept less than good behaviour at special events in order to avoid tantrums?

I wouldn't go as far as your DB did and argue or insult your parenting (that was really rude IMO) but I also wouldn't have asked an adult to move when there was a seat on the other side. It sounds a bit pathetic - "quick DB, go away or she'll have a tantrum", instead of saying "come and sit on this side DD, there's a nice chair right here".

Little ones become obsessed with things that they think is theirs. It's why parents and nurseries etc encourage them to share and allow others to have a turn.

It's not OCD, it's being two years old.

Perhaps. I'm not entirely sure though but am waiting until she's older to see if there's anything to check out. Nursery have picked up on it too. Things such as she won't ever take off her socks, except to shower and then she has to stand on a towel to get in the shower and out until her socks are put back as she doesn't want her feet getting dirty. She can't have so much as a bit of dust on any utensil/ cup she's using, as it's dirty. If her food breaks as she opens it, then she won't eat it. If something spills on here hand she shrieks as if she's in actual pain. She won't sit on grass/ the carpet/ floor as it's "dirty" (she'll sit on a mat on the floor though). The only one one we've given up on is the socks as she won't go to sleep/ step outside without them even in this heat.

Anyway not too relevant to this thread except to give background that I absolutely know the types of things she'll tantrum about because they are not random... they are very specific daily occurrences.

It's why parents and nurseries etc encourage them to share and allow others to have a turn.

She's very good at sharing but she likes consistency... If that makes sense. At one point I wasn't sure if she was showing signs for autism as she loves to just line up all her toys rather than play with them. But since she's been hitting every other milestone, I'm not sure it's that.

I don't think it's pandering to allow a child to sit in the seat she'd chosen - it's not like he'd made himself comfy, he'd just plonked himself down at a place with a child's plate already set. The fact that it seemed to mean as much to him to get his way as it did to your two-year-old doesn't exactly reflect well on him, even if she was indignant that he'd stolen her space.

Perhaps a compromise would have been to say to her, in front of him, 'Oh dear - it looks like Uncle X didn't realise that was your seat - maybe if you asked him in your nicest voice he would feel more like moving than if you moan at him.' That way you are steering things in the right direction whilst teaching her that you catch more flies with honey and hopefully he's not enough of a dick to refuse her if she asks nicely is he?

I totally see where you’re coming from and I’ve been in your position, I once had a family member loudly berate my almost 2 year old for acting well... like a 2 year old at a family gathering.
Yep my little one had been upset (a fancy stuffed animal toy was placed between her and a slightly older child by said relative and they were meant to instantly share 😂😂😂 both children thought they were being given the toy ) but relative was making out she was spoiled and this that the other and just offloading all their negative feelings towards my child and my parenting in general.
Like I suppose in your position I’d have moved up into the next seat and moved her plate snd said “oh look now you get to sit next to me AND Uncle Dick aren’t you lucky”
But only you know what works for you and your child , it’s not the same as being at home and day to day life - especially at events where kids are over excited

Yabu. You could have moved her plate to the empty seat on the other side of you.

One day you will regret spoiling your daughter.

Some toddlers understand flexibility later than others, it might not necessarily mean that she never will. Some of the other things you describe like the socks sound strange though, I hope you're getting the professional input you need.

1. She had it first
2. All 2yos tantrum
3. Sounds like he had the biggest tantrum of the day anyway
4. 2yos still often make mess and need help with cutting food etc. Therefore it’s only sensible to sit them next to a parent.

Your DB is a twat.

Did he eat off the plastic bowl?

Does DD engage in messy play?

I only ask as I watched something recently about a set of parents who were constantly cleaning their sons face and hands anytime he done something and wasnt allowed to make a mess in the house and he'd become a fussy eater/none engaging in play where he didn't think it was clean. It was a Jo Frost thing in that setting where they have 4 sets of parents and their children in to resolve issues.

Well, if you were on a train, the adult would be entitled to the seat. The toddler would sit on your lap I assuming OP and her brother didn't pay a fee to sit in tbe seats at the BBQ

OP if it had been an adults plate and cup set up to that side of you, presumably your brother would have say the other side.

As soon as he sat I'd have told him that seat was taken - because it was.
She shouldn't have demanded but the world is very black and white at two. She had a seat, he took it, she wanted it back

So you expect good behaviour at home, even if results in tantrums, but will accept less than good behaviour at special events in order to avoid tantrums?

Isn't this quite common? Special events are where children are most likely to be over-excited, tired and giddy with the change of routine, so cutting them a bit of slack and being flexible about the rules seems like a natural adjustment to make. Understanding their particular flashpoints and making an effort to avoid them is the best way to ensure that you aren't subjecting yourself and all the other guests to a noisy melodrama isn't it?

Regardless of whether you were ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ on your decision to ask your DB to move (I don’t think anybody can say either way as we’re not you - everybody has an opinion on parenting but let’s face it, you know your DD the best and I don’t begrudge you wanting to prevent a massive tantrum on a family BBQ day!) I think your DB was being just as much of a child in his reaction.

Also - his disagreement with your parenting choices are fairly ignorant from the sounds of it, considering he’s not a parent himself. I’m as disciplined as I can be with my DD and DS (toddler twins) but when we have guests for a special event, we may pander (a bit) to not have the day become a massive stress to us.

I honestly can’t imagine why a grown man thinks it’s okay to argue with a toddler over a flipping seat so I’m on your side OP - PP saying she could have just sat on the other side of you, this is true, but we all know how extremely particular toddlers can be 😂

Maybe the only thing I’d have suggested to my DC is that they ask again, politely, for their seat back. But then again, I grew up in a madhouse (two brothers, two sisters and me) so my Grandparents (who raised us) would pander just to get some peace every once in a while. We’ve all grown up to be polite (enough) adults so I don’t think one case of it with your DD is going to wreck the hard work you put in otherwise with raising her 😊

@Topsecretidentity I think your db behaved like a twat for sitting in her seat. I doubt he would have done that if it was an adult's chosen seat. Good on her for asking for her seat back, I don't see that as spoilt behaviour at all. Although in that 30 seconds I would have told him myself that seat was already taken and he could sit at the other side or somewhere else. He's done a great job of letting her know her feelings don't matter.

I am a great believer in picking my battles and, with a two year old, if that means pandering to avoid a tantrum at a family occasion right as everyone is going to eat, then pander I will.

She’s a toddler and it goes with the territory that they behave unreasonably on occasion. Your brother isn’t a toddler so, unless he’s Sheldon Cooper, there’s no excuse for having a mantrum and getting into a stand off with a child over where he’s going to sit. YANBU OP I’d have done exactly the same.

@EAIOU depends on what it is. Play dough and water - yes. Mixing things with her hands when baking ? No- she'll ask for a spoon. Touching mud and plants in the garden? Definitely not. Which I find sad because I loved those things as a child and feel like she's missing out.

Oh and we're definitely not neat so I really don't know where she gets it from

I don't agree with smacking etc but for gods sake. Your 2 year old is demanding that an adult be removed from her seat, YABU! Little miss Mariah Carey needs to learn now that you have respect for elders. Age before beauty and all that! It's parenting like this that has lead to the entitled bunch of brats we've been afflicted with today.

This shouldn't of even been an issue, you could of sat her on the other side of you or moved one along and sat her in the middle of you two. You need to set the tone- not your 2 year old. Rod and back very much springs to mind.

Lots of people on this thread who think a family BBQ is the place for having teaching moments with a two year old .

Giving in once doesn’t mean OP is spoiling her daughter or creating a rod, loads of you are being as pathetic as the brother.

It’s not unreasonable for a toddler to want to sit next to their mum, especially when they’re at a big family gathering presumably with people they don’t know as well as mum.

There’s a thing called ‘picking your battles’ and some of you should take heed.

@pheonixrebirth

SHE’S TWO! Get a grip.

OMG your DB is a petty child himself. Maybe discipline him same as he expects of your child. Her seat was there, she'd sat there next to mummy and went to get her dinner.
He's a douche.

She doesn’t have OCD.

She has an entitled mother.

If your child is demanding seats then you’re raising a brat. You can keep doing that if you want. Just don’t expect her to be invited to many parties. 🤷🏻‍♀️