To ask adult to move seat for toddler

[Topsecretidentity]

Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

@Ginlinessisnexttogodliness
Seriously, what is wrong with you?
Can clearly see your parents never said no to you 🤦‍♀️
This is what happens when they grow up people. 😂
I’ve told you its rude to @ people when you’re not responding directly to them.
You didn’t grasp that, so I told you in plain English to stop @ ing me, yet you’re still doing it?!? What’s wrong with you? Seriously? Fuck off you weirdo

WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

YABU in my view. There was a seat on the other side of you so you could have easily slid along.

I had similar on a plane 2 weeks ago - the child wanted my seat and there ensued a tantrum while mummy sat and said “aw don’t mind the bad lady” 🙄 Mummy wasn’t prepared for my reply though! What a ridiculous carry on from a child whose parent should have parented them instead of giving in to a tantrum. I’m team DB.

You did pander to it has totally right. She could have say on your lap

OP, I think you need to revisit the possibility of autism.

I have two DDs who were diagnosed with Asperger's aged 12 and 7 and I recognise the need to adapt your parenting when out at busy social occasions. This relaxation of the rules is needed to allow them to cope but can set me up to be judged by other parents.

I have never given in to a child to avoid a tantrum. However, I have, wherever possible, recognised the possibility of a combination of stressors leading to a meltdown and done what I could to avoid it.

A NT child could plan to sit in one seat and readily adapt to sitting in a different one, equally close to their mother as long as the parent uses consistent boundaries and good communication.

A child with autism in the same situation will struggle, even if the new seat is more attractive. The problem is the change from what they were expecting, not that they didn't get the seat they wanted.

Children with autism find it hard to express their wishes verbally without sounding rude and entitled. It's something they tend to be behind their peers on and need more help then others from adults to learn.

Children with autism at busy social occasions, tend to feel exhausted and overwhelmed and quickly lose resilience. Something they can manage at home can feel impossible to cope with at a family party.

There seem to be quite close links between autism and OCD.

I don't think YWBU to ask you DB to move but I think your family need to understand that this is about needs not parenting. They may never get it but it's worth explaining nevertheless.

@Zoejj77
Why weird? I agree with what he said, I’ve got 4 kids and two grandkids - would it be weird if I said it?

@Alsohuman do you think “fuck off you weirdo” is still astute, or would you send @PreseaCombatir to their room too for being so naughty 😂😂😂😂

@Ginlinessisnexttogodliness

You were that annoying kid in school who use to follow people around, weren’t you? 😂
Look how much joy you’re getting from this, you’re positively gleeful 🤦‍♀️
Weird as shit.

If I want DD to sit next to me and so does she, and we have the plate ready there etc, it's not my dickhead brothers place to change that. He should sit opposite.

They just were equipped with a more emotionally intelligent arsenal than yours clearly were
You also used to say ‘my dads bigger than your dad’ didn’t you? 😂😂

the adult takes priority every time.

Nope. My child takes priority over my adult brother. Every. Time.

@Owlchemist i am with you. Also what a bloody dangerous idea to put into a kids head. All adults trump you all the time. I mean honestly.... Isnt it obvious how that one could end. We should be teaching kids to respect others and themselves. Not jst to be compliant to every adult all the time. This thread is depressing

@BeardyButton could not agree more. Teaching children that adults are always right, no matter what.

It's just a sad way to raise your children, that they just don't mean anything and if they are being wronged and get upset then they are spoilt. Just a dangerous road,

With certain people's behaviour on here, I do wonder how anyone is suppose to respect their point of view in anything.

I don't think you are setting a precedent. At two years old most kids don't like to share. She would think the seat is hers. As she gets older you will be better able to reason with her.

Your brother needs to keep his opinions to himself. And yes, give back the seat your daughter already had dibs on!!’ That is the rule!!!!

@Tigger001 yup. And kids grow up. No wonder there are so many adults w problems if the antidote to 'spoilt' is a broken willed, complaint child. Not a child that recognises the need to be respectful or kind, but a child that must comply with all adult demands or else.

Your brother was right ....your daughter sounds spoilt ...she should learn some respect and move for an adult...if it was me I’d have just put her in my knee and insisted she did as she was told

The entire point is that the child was disrespectful and rewarded for it.

@BeardyButton exactly, I don't think the idea of a child that doesn't question, is me, as a parent,doing my job.

I want my child to be able to think for themselves, be inquisitive and be strong willed but polite enough not to steal a flippin 2 year old place, next to her mother !!!!

she should learn some respect and move for an adult.

Children should not have to move for adults, why do you think you're more important and deserve more respect just because you're older? Unless you're disabled or elderly, my kid wouldn't have to move for you.

Huge extrapolation here, nobody has suggested that adults are always right, so to suggest that they have is purely hyperbole clumsily used to force a point.

Let’s get some perspective, the child wasn’t sitting in the seat so someone sat in it, mum didn’t bat an eyelid till daughter had a tantrum. If mum was that bothered she could have asked brother not to sit there straight away rather than wait. Now daughter knows that to get her way, she has a peff.

Yes kids have to deal with big feelings, our job is to help with this and build resilience, not to rescue them every time.

If she would have thrown a tantrum over someone else's seat, yes disrespectful. Not disrespectful to want her own seat back and get upset when a grown man won't be respectful.

Your brother was right ....your daughter sounds spoilt ...she should learn some respect and move for an adult...if it was me I’d have just put her in my knee and insisted she did as she was told

Exactly. What a drama over a seat at a BBQ 😂.

Demanding a seat with an “evil glare” doesn’t sound very respectful, does it?

I know right? What a precious little man-child the brother is.