AIBU or is DP? He's ignoring me please help

[Inahuffpuff]

My DP and I made plans on Friday to do something today (Monday) we barely spend any time together, so was looking forward to it. We don’t live together btw. Sunday night he tells me he can’t make it because he needs to see his friend. I lost it, and sent him a long message basically venting my frustration with everything that’s been going on. At the end, I tell him I won’t make anymore plans and to go to hell. He ignores the message, and the 4-5 messages I sent him today. I’ve even called him a few times, he’s ignored that. I’m now sitting here reading my messages that I sent to him trying to figure out what he could be upset about, and I think it’s the ‘go to hell ‘ bit. He’s the type that will ignore you all day if you swear at him or send him an angry text.

Ive apologised before when I’ve sent angry texts out of frustration but with this one I don’t know. AIBU or is he? Would you be upset if someone told you to go to hell in anger and ignore them all day? I’m tempted to call him again, cuz I want to know what he’s angry about. Please help me

Narcicistic, gaslighting and controlling partners

Where on earth did you get the impression that he was any of those things?!

Can’t imagine why people think telling someone to go to hell in the context of an argument/disagreement is so abusive? I’m sure a lot of us have said similar to our DPs when faced with unreasonable behaviour. It’s not something that is said consciously, but usually a knee jerk reaction to something which we feel is unreasonable or hurtful.

I don't think it's that specific phrase that has made people think it's abusive.

It's the fact that OP has mentioned blowing up over text before and then wishing she hadn't. She's said herself she thinks before she reacts and has sent her DP angry messages before accusing him of ignoring her when he was simply busy.

However if I cancelled plans with someone and they didn't give me a chance to explain myself before telling me to go to hell I wouldn't be very impressed. That's not a nice way to treat someone.

AcrobaticCardiganThe fact you lashed out like that suggests you aren’t getting what you need from the relationship. Also I agree with @Ihatehashtags - ignoring you like this is v manipulative and abusive. I’d get out now.

This why my DH hates mumsnet, the obvious double standards ,lies and misandry.
Abusive and controlling behavior is deem acceptable as 'she isnt getting what she needs' whilst him ignoring what seems like a long and determined abuse is seen as manipulative.
There is no way I would be telling the op's partner to continue a relationship with her. It sounds like she has already destroyed his mental health.

OP you sound really brattish. He gave you almost a week’s notice to cancel. This is on you. I hope he leaves you, you are abusive.

He cancelled the night before they were going to meet, Teddybear.
OP are you like this with other people or just him?
It's not a good relationship. Silent treatment is crazymaking. And sending emotional texts to the sort of commitment-phobes who dish out silent treatment just doesn't work. You probably don't even love him that much, but are addicted to the 'high' of him being occasionally nice to you.

Can’t imagine why people think telling someone to go to hell in the context of an argument/disagreement is so abusive?

It's more the fact that she has done this lots of times before. For things like being busy and taking a while to reply

Seriously newmum and Zelda ? the OP verbally abuses her partner but it’s really his fault.

@ProteinshakesandAntonsbum I wouldnr respond to someone who 'lost it'and swore at me either?
You can't really take the moral high ground if you're the one in the wrong!
I'm not justifying OP's behaviour but I've been in exactly her position and the frustration at being tossed aside all the time is utterly infuriating and indescribable. I'm not surprised she told him to go to hell! Also, he'll isn't really a swear word now is it?!

@MyOpinionIsValid Perhaps he's tired of being verbally abused? Verbally abused? Really? 4 or 5 ranty texts BECAUSE he's giving her the silent treatment and not allowing her to talk to him on the phone is hardly 'abuse' 🙄 Get a grip!

You sound like a fucking horror, OP. To be blunt.

@Closertotheheart You both sound very young Why? Because they've had conflict within their relationship?! Stop being passive aggressive. Such an overused insult on MN. It's getting boring now....

Can’t imagine why people think telling someone to go to hell in the context of an argument/disagreement is so abusive?

There was no argument. He told her he couldn't make the Sunday as he had to see a friend, she threw and epic tantrum, texted him some abuse, followed by telling him to go to hell, then followed it up with multiple other texts.

That's not an argument. That's abuse.

@sonjadog If someone swore at me, I wouldn't be interested in dating them. Really?!?! So you'd end a 4 year relationship because they swore? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yes, I would. I won't be sworn at. It is one of my absolute boundaries.

Great for you that you don't mind being sworn at, I guess..?

@sevenoftwelve You don't get to use people as your emotional punching bag. Erm.... She said "go to hell" and said in a text her issues within their troubled relationship BECAUSE he wouldn't speak on the phone. I'm not justifying her saying go to hell but for goodness sake! How do you get to 'emotional punchbag' from saying go to hell out of frustration?!?! I think it's YOU that needs to calm down and grow up

Well said @poopypants !!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Really?!?! So you'd end a 4 year relationship because they swore?

There's a big difference between swearing in general conversation and swearing directly at someone, though. There's a difference between saying "I'm fucking pissed off" and "fuck you, you cunt".

Swearing isn't in itself aggressive or unpleasant imo, but when someone is angry and directly chooses to use that kind of language to belittle you, it's often a red flag and a sign that there are much bigger problems.

@HappyLoneParentDay how did your life change once you ended the relationship? Have you met someone new?

@ShatnersWig Why are you on MUMSnet?!

@sonjadog No I just think you're jumping on the 'holier than thou' online bandwagon like a lot of others on this thread

@Inahuffpuff have you heard from him yet?

Nope. I have my own mind and opinions, thanks. Why are you being so aggressive to those who disagree with you? Going to tell them to go to hell soon? Or just swear at them? After all, it doesn't mean anything to you.

'm not justifying OP's behaviour but I've been in exactly her position and the frustration at being tossed aside all the time is utterly infuriating and indescribable. I'm not surprised she told him to go to hell! Also, he'll isn't really a swear word now is it?!

She has verbally abused him for not answering texts quick enough.

If dp cancelled plans with me, being an adult I epild sent to know why. If I didnt like the answer I would tell him.

It's not ok to keep doing this behaviour and then playing the victim.

@HappyLoneParentDay who are you to tel people who can and cant post here.

It's called mumsnet. But the tagline is 'for parents, by parents'

Should we ban people without kids too?