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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU or is DP? He's ignoring me please help

267 replies

Inahuffpuff · 01/07/2019 21:32

My DP and I made plans on Friday to do something today (Monday) we barely spend any time together, so was looking forward to it. We don’t live together btw. Sunday night he tells me he can’t make it because he needs to see his friend. I lost it, and sent him a long message basically venting my frustration with everything that’s been going on. At the end, I tell him I won’t make anymore plans and to go to hell. He ignores the message, and the 4-5 messages I sent him today. I’ve even called him a few times, he’s ignored that. I’m now sitting here reading my messages that I sent to him trying to figure out what he could be upset about, and I think it’s the ‘go to hell ‘ bit. He’s the type that will ignore you all day if you swear at him or send him an angry text.

Ive apologised before when I’ve sent angry texts out of frustration but with this one I don’t know. AIBU or is he? Would you be upset if someone told you to go to hell in anger and ignore them all day? I’m tempted to call him again, cuz I want to know what he’s angry about. Please help me

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 02/07/2019 09:19

I always feel like everything's my fault, even if it's my fault I wish we could just talk about things and come to a solution

How does that work if you "react first and think later" and fly off the handle to begin with? If you didn't get your arse out immediately maybe you could talk about things so they don't get out of hand.

I'm not saying he's perfect and maybe the relationship has run its course, but it's highly possible he chooses to ignore you until he knows you've properly calmed down rather than try and discuss things while you're "reacting first". Being with someone who is volatile can be draining.

IvanaPee · 02/07/2019 09:19

Well then why are you with him?

madeyemoodysmum · 02/07/2019 09:21

Sorry OP it sounds like he’s just not that much into you made time to look into another relationship

AwdBovril · 02/07/2019 09:25

You both sound pretty childish TBH. You need to stop, think before firing off angry texys - you admit you've no idea why he suddenly needed to see his friend, it could have been something really trivial, or something terrible could have happened. He needs to stop being manipulative & ignoring people because they have offended him. It really doesn't sound like you are a well suited couple. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone if they behaved like either one of you!

Original poster
Inahuffpuff · 02/07/2019 09:29

@ShatnersWig are you a man? Would be nice to get a male perspective on this. I guess I have a bad habit of reacting first, then thinking later. Sometimes I keep so much bottled inside, and it will take a small thing such as cancelling plans at a short notice to tip it over. And I realised this is what I need to work on. He can be so understanding of my feelings sometimes, which is why I'm having a hard time letting it go and moving on, but on the other hand I feel like things can't go on like this. I think I'm just gonna back off a bit, and leave him alone.

OP posts:
AmericasAss · 02/07/2019 09:31

You cant fly off the handle and then say how he handles it isnt grown up.

If you want to talk stuff through, you need talk it through. Not kick off and then want to talk it through, when her refuses to engage.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/07/2019 09:35

I wish we could just talk about things and come to a solution So why don't you try that? Talking about things before they have a chance to fester and blow up into an argument?

If you say 'there's something I'd like to talk about' what does he do? He can't go silent and wait for you to apologise, or make you feel as if it's all your fault - because there is no fault and nothing to apologise for. Just an issue that needs discussing.

ShatnersWig · 02/07/2019 09:37

Yes I am. Which is why I disagree with Gamerchicks rubbish upthread that a decent bloke would put up with it. Like hell would I.

I'm not saying he was right to cancel on you, and maybe he should have explained why and maybe there was an acceptable reason and maybe (almost certainly) both of you are incompatible in the way the two of you communicate.

This really isn't the way grown adults should react to each other. Yes, I can understand you being cheesed off but a lot of stroppy texts and telling your partner to go to hell and then being confused when he takes you at your word or allows you to calm down because he knows this is how you behave. If this was the relationships board and a man was posting what you've said about how he treats his female partner, I think there'd be more harsh responses towards him than you've had here actually.

Ihatehashtags · 02/07/2019 09:39

Do not text him again. Yes you over reacted but he is being a manipulative dick. Not someone’s you want to be with long term. I’d move on.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/07/2019 09:41

Stop texting him. You both sound like hard work; by your own admission you fly off the handle, but he sounds sulky and manipulative.

I think this relationship has run its course, to be honest.

mumofwantwomany · 02/07/2019 09:46

i'd be upset at him cancelling and once upon a time i'd have reacted the same way. i have bpd so someone cancelling on me sends me spiralling and splitting. however i'm able to realise when i'm BU now and take a step back and not overreact. if you do this frequently, coupled with telling someone to "go to h*ll" because they cancelled plans with you, i'm not surprised he's ignoring you.

gamerchick · 02/07/2019 09:46

Yes I am. Which is why I disagree with Gamerchicks rubbish upthread that a decent bloke would put up with it. Like hell would I

Excuse me? where did I say that a decent bloke would put up with it? Hmm

ShatnersWig · 02/07/2019 09:53

Gamerchick I apologise, I've just re-read it. I didn't quite read you right, sorry (although I wasn't the only one and someone else made a similar comment to mine). You said:

"A decent bloke wouldn't blow you out at a late stage when you barely see each other and then ignore you when you show upset. Fuck him."

Although, giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe there was an important reason he needed to see this friend. However, if this was the case, he needed to say so outright. But, at the same time, the OPs "upset" was way OTT and I can see why he would choose to ignore it and THAT was the bit I felt didn't make him not a decent guy. Because while I wouldn't have blown the OP out in the way he seems to have done with no explanation, there is no way I would take - yet again, by the OPs own admission - a series of stroppy texts and being told to go to hell.

willyloman · 02/07/2019 09:54

Get a life that doesn't involve waiting around for him to notice you. Do that thing you planned. It will be good.

Original poster
Inahuffpuff · 02/07/2019 10:00

@ShatnersWig I don't know what to do, but all I know is if he doesn't reply by the end of today, I'm done with him. I haven't spoken to him since Sunday, and if he still is ignoring me after apologising then I don't think there's any hope for us.

I'm just curious, if you don't mind can I ask why you split with your partner of 11 years?

OP posts:
AcrobaticCardigan · 02/07/2019 10:01

The fact you lashed out like that suggests you aren’t getting what you need from the relationship. Also I agree with @Ihatehashtags - ignoring you like this is v manipulative and abusive. I’d get out now.

Original poster
Inahuffpuff · 02/07/2019 10:02

@ShatnersWig I find it interesting that you've never had an argument in 11 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inahuffpuff · 02/07/2019 10:03

The fact you lashed out like that suggests you aren’t getting what you need from the relationship.

Yes this is how I feel most times, why is probably why I lash out like that. There's underlying issues

OP posts:
Pinkwink · 02/07/2019 10:04

The relationship sounds pretty doomed to me. You barely ever see one another then he cancels on you last minute and didn’t response to your anger.

Sack him off.

gamerchick · 02/07/2019 10:05

Gamerchick I apologise, I've just re-read it. I didn't quite read you right, sorry (although I wasn't the only one and someone else made a similar comment

Thankyou. Tbh I haven't actually acknowledged the OPs behaviour at all. It isn't ideal and pretty glaringly obvious that this relationship isn't compatible.

I used the think I was some screaming harpie with no patience in a past relationship. I thought it was just me and the way I was. I was just in a relationship with a little boy who thought more of his mates than he did me. I came very much down his list of priorities.

The OPs relationship doesn't work, she's an option to him and being an option is frustrating. If you're at the stage of hurling abuse at your OH then it's time to end it. Not change your behaviour and just suck it up.

SagAloojah · 02/07/2019 10:16

To be honest I've thought about the relationship itself, and it always goes like this, 9 out of 10 he will ignore me until I apologise. I always feel like everything's my fault, even if it's my fault I wish we could just talk about things and come to a solution, instead of him giving me the silent treatment until I cave in. His mum does the same thing, I guess it runs in the family.

OP, you’d be better off posting in Relationships. Most people here are going to ignore his abusive behaviour (silent treatment) because you texted him to go to hell. Classic AIBU, where people only focus on what the OP did wrong (the tip of the iceberg) not considering what the man did (the rest of the iceberg).

OP, the fact is that the silent treatment will never go away. You can’t talk him into not doing it anymore, you can’t model better behaviour to him (i.e. not doing it to him). He will not learn and he will not change. It’s death by a thousand cuts, it will destroy your self-esteem and confidence.

ShatnersWig · 02/07/2019 10:17

Gamer A decent bloke always apologises when in the wrong Wink. I totally agree with your last post.

OP We grew apart. No one else involved. There was a large age difference and I think that had a lot to do with it. What wasn't an issue earlier on very definitely was. But no, we never had one argument in all that time. Similarly, my relationship before that never had an argument until the day we actually split up (didn't live together in that one).

adaline · 02/07/2019 10:18

Most people here are going to ignore his abusive behaviour (silent treatment) because you texted him to go to hell.

Why on earth shouldn't he ignore her verbal abuse? If someone sent me horrible texts and told me to go to hell, I would ignore them as well Hmm

Just because OP is a woman, doesn't make her behaviour any less abusive or unpleasant.

SagAloojah · 02/07/2019 10:21

@adaline if you haven’t had experience of a partner giving you silent treatment then you have no idea what you’re talking about and the effect it can have on a person.

I wish people would be more responsible in their responses to OP.

adaline · 02/07/2019 10:28

I have done, and I know how unpleasant it is to be totally blanked and ignored.

But his behaviour is in response to her getting angry and telling him to go to hell. Why should he have to speak to someone who treats him like that?

Ignoring someone's poor behaviour/outbursts is not the same as the silent treatment.

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