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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU or is DP? He's ignoring me please help

267 replies

Inahuffpuff · 01/07/2019 21:32

My DP and I made plans on Friday to do something today (Monday) we barely spend any time together, so was looking forward to it. We don’t live together btw. Sunday night he tells me he can’t make it because he needs to see his friend. I lost it, and sent him a long message basically venting my frustration with everything that’s been going on. At the end, I tell him I won’t make anymore plans and to go to hell. He ignores the message, and the 4-5 messages I sent him today. I’ve even called him a few times, he’s ignored that. I’m now sitting here reading my messages that I sent to him trying to figure out what he could be upset about, and I think it’s the ‘go to hell ‘ bit. He’s the type that will ignore you all day if you swear at him or send him an angry text.

Ive apologised before when I’ve sent angry texts out of frustration but with this one I don’t know. AIBU or is he? Would you be upset if someone told you to go to hell in anger and ignore them all day? I’m tempted to call him again, cuz I want to know what he’s angry about. Please help me

OP posts:
adaline · 02/07/2019 13:21

OP cannot win here can she? Whatever she does is wrong.

I'm trying to see it from his point of view, that's all.

If I was told to "go to hell" I'd probably interpret that as a break-up text. Any apologies after that would probably just piss me of because they don't really seem very meaningful when OP has admitted she's had outbursts like this before.

But anyway, OP can't control his behaviour, only her own. He's clearly saying he doesn't want to talk to her, so she needs to accept that. You can't force someone to talk to you, or to accept your apology.

SagAloojah · 02/07/2019 13:25

If I was told to "go to hell" I'd probably interpret that as a break-up text

Yes in the context of a non-abusive relationship, probably yes, I’d agree.

But when one partner uses silent treatment to get their way then no response is a punishment.

AmericasAss · 02/07/2019 13:29

Personally I dont think the OP should have apologised.

She should have stopped doing the same thing.

She keeps apologising and then doing the same thing. While moaning ignoring isnt fair because she wants to talk it out. But she never tries to talk it out.

Her apologies dont mean anything. So no point.

ShatnersWig · 02/07/2019 13:36

SagAloo You see this as an abusive relationship? I hope you accept that if that is the case, it is on BOTH sides. You can't say he is being abusive by giving her silent treatment as a punishment without accepting she is being abusive by frequently losing her rag at him and sending him angry texts. She has herself admitted at one time he WASN'T giving her silent treatment - she had assumed this was the case and went off on him when he was merely busy.

They are BOTH at fault in this relationship and to paint him as responsible and she blameless is nonsense based on the OP's own words, not supposition or projection.

StreetwiseHercules · 02/07/2019 13:39

OP, outbursts like that simply, because someone chooses to do something that doesn’t suit you, aren’t acceptable.

You were disappointed. Life is full of disappointments but it’s no justification for kicking off.

SagAloojah · 02/07/2019 13:39

I haven’t said OP is blameless. I think in order to know if OP has anger issues we need to know what happened in her previous relationships. Did she send angry texts when she didn’t hear from her partner?

The problem is that OP knows there’s a massive issue with the silent treatment and also that there’s no hope of addressing it or fixing it so her frustration comes out in texts. She needs to leave him.

JonSlow · 02/07/2019 13:44

He’s cancelled on you. He’s now turning it round so that he is the victim in all this and can lay all the blame and guilt onto you.

What exactly are you getting from this relationship? It sounds more like how teenage girls behave to each other when slightly scorned over the slightest thing.

GabriellaMontez · 02/07/2019 13:44

His third option is to continue to ignore you.

I wouldn't blame him. And really it doesn't sound like a great relationship. Might be time to move on.

ChuckleBuckles · 02/07/2019 13:48

I think you need to just walk away OP, you are not a good fit for each other.

As for the texts, the silent treatment, one waiting for the other to "break" first, just walk away from it all, you can only be responsible for what you do, you cannot say "well I only do this, as he did this" that line of reasoning is not good enough after primary school age, take responsibility for your own actions, reflect on your own actions and know that you cannot cajole certain behaviours from other people, if he refuses to engage do not shout louder, just walk away. Stop playing these games with each other.

purplelass · 02/07/2019 13:53

If my DP had texted 'go to hell' to me he'd have to do some serious grovelling for me to even discuss keeping the relationship going, and in person too.
So much meaning gets lost in texting. If you really want to continue seeing him then make the effort to speak to him so he can see how much he means to you. Texting is lazy.

Bluntness100 · 02/07/2019 13:55

As much as I think there is no excuse for him ghosting you or ignoring you, personally I'd have told you to go fuck yourself if you'd treated me as you did him, particularly as you've got previous for it, then apologise, then do it again.

So he should get in contact with you. Even if it's just to tell you to fuck off and do one.

AmericasAss · 02/07/2019 13:57

He isnt ghosting her.

She told him to go to hell. He did.

Her wanting to take it back, doesnt mean he has too let her.

Bluntness100 · 02/07/2019 13:59

Agree, America's, but I do think he should stop her hassling him and simply text back.

QuizzlyBear · 02/07/2019 14:02

If my DH told me to go to hell in a series of angry texts I'd be furious at how massively disrespectful he was. If a casual BF/GF did? I'd dump their arse.

AmericasAss · 02/07/2019 14:06

Agree, America's, but I do think he should stop her hassling him and simply text back.

She dumped him. He has no obligation to contact her.

He might have blocked her

Brefugee · 02/07/2019 14:14

OP I'm another one who would interpret "go to hell" as a breakup.

I think you really ought to ask yourself if this relationship, as it is, is making you happy. It doesn't really sound as though it does.

Hope you get it resolved soon. (maybe next time write the texts and then delete rather than send? that way you get it out of your system)

sandragreen · 02/07/2019 14:16

He's probably blocked you OP. Many people would after being told to go to Hell.

I think you need to write this one off.

foreverhanging · 02/07/2019 14:23

@MorningRichie to be honest I meant both of them as 'you' (because I wouldn't want to be him, but I also wouldn't want to be her either!) but I was wrangling a toddler and didn't phrase properly

adaline · 02/07/2019 14:24

Agree, America's, but I do think he should stop her hassling him and simply text back.

He's probably blocked her.

Gingersstuff · 02/07/2019 14:26

You sound like my very close relative. It can be something as minor as her being in a bad mood that day, or having completely misinterpreted something I’ve said or done as a slight, but she reacts every time by going off on an epic rant by text listing all my faults and usually ending it with “you can just go to hell” or “fuck off”. I’ve found that the best way to deal with it is to completely ignore her, which sends her into a fury and another barrage of texts. She always apologises in the end but I know it doesn’t really mean anything and I’m always, always just waiting until she kicks off again. It’s bloody exhausting to be honest, and if she weren’t such a close family member I’d have told her to get to fuck a long time ago. Does any of this sound familiar to you, if you’re honest with yourself?
As an aside I’ve been married 23 years and never had an argument with my DH. It can be done (and no, there’s no lack of passion there either).

loobyloo1234 · 02/07/2019 14:43

OP – posting in AIBU was a bad idea. This should be in Relationships

FWIW – he let you down and cancelled last minute with little explanation. He’s pushed your buttons, you’ve snapped. The ‘go to hell’ comment was a bit extreme but in the heat of the moment you felt let down. Now 2 days later, he is ignoring you. I think you can do better. There will be other patterns of his behaviour (when you really think about this in the coming weeks) that will show you walking away now is the right decision

poopypants · 02/07/2019 14:48

Narcicistic, gaslighting and controlling partners can make even the most balanced people end up going nuts. He sounds like someone who regularly treats you as a low priorty but then dismisses you when youa re not happy about it. Move on. He's not worth it.

AmericasAss · 02/07/2019 15:12

If a woman posted that she had to cancel and with her dp a d let him know the might before and he reacted by losing it and then telling her to go to hell, then mentions he does this often and if she doesnt reply quickly he does the same.

No one would be telling her she drove him to it, she is a narcissist, she is abusive, she should be obligated to reply to him or any of that shit.

Marmozet · 02/07/2019 15:18

From what you've text him I think he's taken it as a break up text.

FriarTuck · 02/07/2019 15:21

Adeline, OP says he gives her the silent treatment until she caves in and his mum is like that. This is abusive behaviour and has very little to do with OP telling him to go to hell.
I thought she'd said that he ignores her until she apologises - for her outbursts. Which is the right thing to do (even though she's obviously not learning) and not remotely abusive.

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