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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP? He's ignoring me please help

267 replies

Inahuffpuff · 01/07/2019 21:32

My DP and I made plans on Friday to do something today (Monday) we barely spend any time together, so was looking forward to it. We don’t live together btw. Sunday night he tells me he can’t make it because he needs to see his friend. I lost it, and sent him a long message basically venting my frustration with everything that’s been going on. At the end, I tell him I won’t make anymore plans and to go to hell. He ignores the message, and the 4-5 messages I sent him today. I’ve even called him a few times, he’s ignored that. I’m now sitting here reading my messages that I sent to him trying to figure out what he could be upset about, and I think it’s the ‘go to hell ‘ bit. He’s the type that will ignore you all day if you swear at him or send him an angry text.

Ive apologised before when I’ve sent angry texts out of frustration but with this one I don’t know. AIBU or is he? Would you be upset if someone told you to go to hell in anger and ignore them all day? I’m tempted to call him again, cuz I want to know what he’s angry about. Please help me

OP posts:
HappyLoneParentDay · 02/07/2019 17:13

@Inahuffpuff Not yet OP.

The silent treatment has massively destroyed my self esteem. I'd only just rebuilt it since losing my Daughter's Dad.
Thing is, he (the ex) is such a lovely, sweet guy but the silent treatment was a killer.
It is always done when they know they're in the wrong. They ignore you for a while so that when they do finally give in & speak to you 2 days later or however long it's been, you're so thrilled that they're engaging with you again that you magically forget what they've done wrong.
It's also done for them to revel in you chasing them. Many on here will disagree I'm sure. However it's a widely recognised form of emotional abuse.
Not withstanding your mistakes in all this - he is abusing you with the silent treatment.

HappyLoneParentDay · 02/07/2019 17:18

Feel free to pm me @Inahuffpuff I have a feeling others will pull apart my replies to you on here.

My life changed in that the person I'd become so emotionally dependent on had suddenly disappeared. I was lonely which only worsened the silent treatment for me. He did exactly the same thing as your DP. He would often cancel last minute then immediately switch his phone off before I could even ask why. I assumed he was cheating but he wasn't. Just a coward. I would then be ignored for anything from 2 hours to 2 days.....

HappyLoneParentDay · 02/07/2019 17:19

@AmericasAss I haven't told anyone they can or cannot post on here? I asked why they're on here? Two different questions

IvanaPee · 02/07/2019 17:21

Why does it matter to you why he’s on here @HappyLoneParentDay?

Why ask?

Based on your responses here you seem rather high maintenance as well as the OP tbh.

Spiceupyourlife · 02/07/2019 17:22

Oh OP, I’ve been in relationships like this and I assure you it is NOT meant to be. Cut your losses and move the hell on.

Now happily married btw so I doubt the ‘issues’ were mine- or that I was ever as ‘crazy and volatile’ as some exes made out.

DH just treats me with respect.

AmericasAss · 02/07/2019 17:23

However it's a widely recognised form of emotional abuse.Not withstanding your mistakes in all this - heisabusing you with the silent treatment.

You have that wrong. The silent treatment CAN be a form of abuse. On the other hand no one has to discuss something they dont want to.

The OP told him to go to hell. So he has. He has gone silent after she has lost it before. Because she has lost it.

OP wants to be able to lose her shit with him, then talk about it like adults when SHE is ready. But still wants to behave as she does, then demand they talk. That's very poor behaviour.

He doesnt have to be ready to tall about it, because she is. He may not want to talk again. That's up to him.

Needing some time and or space from someone who keeps losing their shit with you (let's remember it's usually because he hasnt replied fast enough), isnt abuse. Taking someone at their word, when they tell you to go to hell. Isnt abuse.

AmericasAss · 02/07/2019 17:24

I haven't told anyone they can or cannot post on here? I asked why they're on here? Two different questions

Why did you capitalise the Mum parts of mumsnet?

steff13 · 02/07/2019 17:27

But if he was waiting for her to cave, then he's gotten what he wants, hasn't he? The OP has already apologized and sent him several texts.

This relationship sucks. It doesn't matter who's at fault. You told him to go to hell, just don't ever contact him again. Let it be over.

AmericasAss · 02/07/2019 17:28

This relationship sucks. It doesn't matter who's at fault. You told him to go to hell, just don't ever contact him again. Let it be over.

This

Lalliella · 02/07/2019 17:32

Methinks it is OP who is the emotional abuser here, not her ex-DP.

Ginger1982 · 02/07/2019 17:33

Yeah @HappyLoneParentDay you were clearly trying to make a dig at @ShatnersWig

steff13 · 02/07/2019 17:35

I haven't told anyone they can or cannot post on here? I asked why they're on here? Two different questions

It's not really your business. No one has to justify being here, do they?

DecomposingComposers · 02/07/2019 17:42

I haven't told anyone they can or cannot post on here? I asked why they're on here? Two different questions

Same difference though isn't it? Are you asking the same of all the people that aren't parents?

ShatnersWig · 02/07/2019 17:53

HappyLoneParent in answer to your question of Why are you on MUMSnet? men are actually allowed here. It says "by parents for parents" not "no men allowed".

Shock horror, there are also lots of non parents here too. Because the majority of the forums aren't child or parent specific.

But I don't need to justify my existence on MN to anyone.

RonnieScotts · 02/07/2019 17:55

It's over OP, you basically ended it via text 'not ever making plans with you again, you can go to hell' and he's ghosting you now.

Original poster
Inahuffpuff · 02/07/2019 18:07

I know what I did was wrong, and I want to change the way I communicate. In a way I'm kind of happy he hasn't replied to my texts yet, it's given me that push I need to leave. I've known for a while it wasn't the right relationship for me, but I kept going cuz I really love him.

And I know some of you think I'm hard work or crazy based on what I said, and I realise my reaction is OTT. But he's not easy to deal with, he's very 'take it or leave it' kind of person. He literally said to me on Sunday night ' I'm going to see jack tomorrow, so can't come' no explanation, nothing. And I'm just expected to accept it. Looking back I know I should just have asked why, but that was the straw that broke the camels back. Based on everything he's done in the past, I couldn't take it anymore. I think if the relationship was different and I felt loved and fulfilled, I wouldn't lash out like that. There's only so much you can take.

I appreciate each and everyone who's replied to my thread, I have a lot to work on and I want to learn how to communicate better before getting in a new relationship.

OP posts:
sevenoftwelve · 02/07/2019 18:19

Crikey, there's some very selective reading going on here. Not to mention projection.

Identifying abuse is not about ticking boxes for set behaviours, it's about looking at patterns and context. A behaviour can form part of a pattern of abuse in one context, but not in another.

Trying to identify abuse based on "my abuser did or did not direct that specific behaviour at me" is unreliable and irresponsible.

I opened this thread braced for it to be yet another woman being abused, and when I see that on here I am not shy to say so even when others disagree or don't understand coercive control.

I don't see that here. And I won't pretend otherwise just because some people are getting emotional because they see their own experiences in the phrasing the op has used to describe this man's reactions to her abuse and are projecting their feelings about the awful things that happened to them onto this thread.

I've read the op's posts carefully enough to notice the glaring misrepresentations of this situation by certain posters. As have others.

Needing some time and or space from someone who keeps losing their shit with you (let's remember it's usually because he hasnt replied fast enough), isnt abuse. Taking someone at their word, when they tell you to go to hell. Isnt abuse.

Just some of the context that matters here.

sevenoftwelve · 02/07/2019 18:25

Ok, op, if you want to work on the way you communicate (especially when upset or disappointed) I can recommend this course: www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

It specifically covers that, but I really think it could be helpful to you for developing a better communication and relational style generally. Thee are other modules on things like distress tolerance you may also find helpful if you explore the resources section.

And if you want to learn about healthy relationships for the future I would highly recommend: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

All the best.

mathanxiety · 02/07/2019 18:25

Wishing you the best, Inahuffpuff.

Maybe take the time to examine why you kept on loving someone who basically wasn't available to you on the level you wanted.

Look into assertiveness training too.

pinkdelight · 02/07/2019 18:31

"In a way I'm kind of happy he hasn't replied to my texts yet, it's given me that push I need to leave."

Um, there's nothing to leave. He's already left.

But good that you are going to work on the behaviour. All the best for the future.

SunniDay · 02/07/2019 18:40

Hi OP,
He seems to want something laid back and casual where he can see you as he pleases. You seem to want something more serious with regular commitment. I don't think you are looking for the same thing and I think you are right to move on.

NauseousMum · 02/07/2019 20:01

Best to block him and move on if you don't bring out the best with each other.

You also need to look at your behaviour- blowing up, getting angry and texting then expecting apologies to be accepted. Look and see if there's patterns with exes and other people, be single a time and reflect on how you will treat and expect to be treated by your next partner. If you find yourself blowing up again, get out.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 02/07/2019 20:31

He's not that into you. Call it a day and walk away.

Closertotheheart · 02/07/2019 20:45

@HappyLoneParentDay wind your neck in. Is it only women allowed on mumsnet? It's a parenting site don't you know?

I asked if OP was young because she exhibits behaviour I would have done at 17/18. Think you should grow up though Happy, you sound rather pathetic.

sunshinefinally · 02/07/2019 20:51

Has he finally replied OP?

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