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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU or is DP? He's ignoring me please help

267 replies

Inahuffpuff · 01/07/2019 21:32

My DP and I made plans on Friday to do something today (Monday) we barely spend any time together, so was looking forward to it. We don’t live together btw. Sunday night he tells me he can’t make it because he needs to see his friend. I lost it, and sent him a long message basically venting my frustration with everything that’s been going on. At the end, I tell him I won’t make anymore plans and to go to hell. He ignores the message, and the 4-5 messages I sent him today. I’ve even called him a few times, he’s ignored that. I’m now sitting here reading my messages that I sent to him trying to figure out what he could be upset about, and I think it’s the ‘go to hell ‘ bit. He’s the type that will ignore you all day if you swear at him or send him an angry text.

Ive apologised before when I’ve sent angry texts out of frustration but with this one I don’t know. AIBU or is he? Would you be upset if someone told you to go to hell in anger and ignore them all day? I’m tempted to call him again, cuz I want to know what he’s angry about. Please help me

OP posts:
SagAloojah · 02/07/2019 10:31

Adeline, OP says he gives her the silent treatment until she caves in and his mum is like that. This is abusive behaviour and has very little to do with OP telling him to go to hell.

With respect, being ‘blanked’ is not the same as continued silent treatment. Silent treatment is a soul destroying abuse tactic.

adaline · 02/07/2019 10:40

How is being blanked for several days any different to the silent treatment? I think it's just semantics, isn't it?

To me it sounds like neither of them come out of this smelling of roses. OP is quick to anger, has a fiery temper and reacts before thinking. He then ignores her. Who's to say he's worse than she is? Why should he tolerate being spoken to like that? OP admits it's not the first time.

I wouldn't tolerate being sent angry texts on a regular basis - it's not pleasant behaviour and why should he speak to her again when she hasn't apologised for her outburst?

DelphiniumBlue · 02/07/2019 10:44

He's cancelled your date at short notice in favour of seeing a friend. He hasn't said why it's so urgent that he sees his friend , so you can probably assume there wasn't a good reason. He refuses to speak to you when you get angry and upset about his behaviour. Sounds like there's not much there to hold onto really.

SagAloojah · 02/07/2019 10:47

You didn't say it was over several days. Was the silent treatment from a partner?

OP doesn't say she's quick to anger. She gets zero communication from this guy, of course she's going to get frustrated.

She has apologised for telling him to go to hell. And he's still ignoring her.

gamerchick · 02/07/2019 10:51

Gamer A decent bloke always apologises when in the wrong wink. I totally agree with your last post

Thankyou Smile

Hope you're ok OP. It doesn't sound ideal does it? People who wait you out until you cave isn't a healthy relationship. It's frustrating and soul destroying. They never change.

Branleuse · 02/07/2019 10:53

Hes not that into you, and youre verbally abusive.

You wont make him want to see you more by threatening and abusing him.
Honestly, id finish with this one. It sounds dead in the water anyway

ShimmeringWaffle · 02/07/2019 10:58

Based on what you've said, I'd be inclined to suspect you have quite the form for being a bit gobby and abusive via text when you get your own way. If you were my partner - who I didn't live with or have any kids with - I'd have probably sacked you off a long time ago. There's two sides to every coin, but right now it comes across like he's had enough of your outbursts and has decided to ignore you until you get the hint.

adaline · 02/07/2019 10:58

Yes, it was from a partner.

She has apologised for telling him to go to hell. And he's still ignoring her.

You can't behave badly and expect to get away with it because you've apologised. Maybe he's just had enough of the outbursts? OP says she's previously "sent angry texts out of frustration" - it's not nice to be on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour.

An apology from an adult for a repeated behaviour isn't a particularly meaningful apology, imo.

ShatnersWig · 02/07/2019 10:59

SagAloo you say OP doesn't say she's quick to anger

Well in the original OP she does say she has sent angry texts previously. This isn't an isolated incident.

I've apologised before when I’ve sent angry texts out of frustration

She also says I'm the type that will react and say certain things, then think about it later.

She also said that on a previous occasion she sent him angry texts because she thought he was ignoring her, he was actually just busy.

When OP wrote her OP she hadn't heard from him since the previous night. We're not talking ignoring her for days on end.

SparklyMagpie · 02/07/2019 10:59

Tbh even if it didn't come across as you'd ended it in your texts, it would be over for me

You want to be able to talk about arguments, well how about you don't constantly lash out?

I wouldn't be replying either.

Yeah I'd be miffed if I was blown out, but this is all childish, he either doesn't give a shit but either way, I think it's time to call it quits.

Too much

pinkdelight · 02/07/2019 11:11

I don't see how the apologies mean anything if you've not addressed your anger issues and still react in this OTT way and only think later. Better that he assumed that text was you dumping him (which it 100% sounds like) and that him ignoring you is cutting contact, then you can both get out of this loop. It's going nowhere.

Kyogre · 02/07/2019 11:13

It doesn't really matter who is to blame - the relationship sounds like its crap for both of you. I'd break up with him and wait until I found a partner who I didn't argue with.

Original poster
Inahuffpuff · 02/07/2019 11:52

@ShatnersWig yeah that's a shame, it's only when the couple has been together for a while, that you really feel the age difference. I wish you well!

For those of you who are saying maybe he's had enough of my 'outbursts', and that is why he's still ignoring me. That's fine, but is it still acceptable to keep ignoring the person even though they've apologised? Even if you've had enough and you could still call or text saying ' hey this is too much, let's call it a day' or something like that. I don't think it's fair at nearly 12pm, he's still ignoring me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inahuffpuff · 02/07/2019 11:53

He's been on WhatsApp several times, since he woke up this morning!

OP posts:
adaline · 02/07/2019 11:57

That's fine, but is it still acceptable to keep ignoring the person even though they've apologised?

But you've apologised before and still carried on with the same behaviour, so maybe he thinks your apology is pretty meaningless?

ShatnersWig · 02/07/2019 12:00

OP We're all different. Remember someone doesn't have to accept an apology. If I had a text from you that said "go to hell", I'd assume you had dumped me - so why would I bother to reply to that to suggest "let's call it a day"? I'd assume you had already called it a day by your text and no further communication was required.

With the best will in the world LET THIS ONE GO. Even if he did come back and start speaking to you, this is no way to carry on. By either of you. Neither of you communicate well. And four years on and you aren't yet living together.

Both of you need to learn from this for the future. He needs to learn to communicate better with a partner and you need to learn not to have such extreme knee jerk reactions. Think and talk first rather than react by lashing out. You may say things you want to take back and find you can't (which may be what has happened here).

Or find a bloke who enjoys that sort of drama and fiery situation.

Original poster
Inahuffpuff · 02/07/2019 12:03

But you've apologised before and still carried on with the same behaviour, so maybe he thinks your apology is pretty meaningless?*

Yes I understand that, but what I'm saying he has two options, which is to break up with me or speak to me about the situation. It's been 2 days, he's had time to calm down. You can't just keep ignoring the person, that's all I'm saying. At one point, you have to make a decision.

OP posts:
foreverhanging · 02/07/2019 12:14

Op, honestly, if I were you I would end it. No relationship should be this hard. You're only 31 and you can do better.

Sparklybanana · 02/07/2019 12:36

thing is, even if his friend was in hospital, he didn’t let you know that. For all you know he dropped his plans with you because he wanted a drink with his friend. Regardless of what happened, he didn’t tell his partner of 4 years what he was doing and this seems like you’re not important enough to tell. My oh, would always tell me the reason why he’s changed plans, most normal people would. Your partner, knows you get upset and yet didn’t give you enough information knowing you’d probably react that way. Now he’s punishing you for that. I just don’t think he’s in to you and after 4 years, you’d expect more mutual respect there. I’d use this to take a long hard look at the relationship and ask yourself if you really want to be given the silent treatment (a form of abuse) every time you do something ‘wrong’. He’s not right in this situation, and regardless of whether you reacted wrongly, his reaction has been far worse. It’s hard to end a relationship but this one sounds like it’s had it’s day.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 02/07/2019 12:50

He has made a decision. No reply is a reply! He's not interested in talking to you so leave it. Although after 4 years it's a shit way for both of you to behave.

adaline · 02/07/2019 12:58

You can't just keep ignoring the person, that's all I'm saying. At one point, you have to make a decision.

Didn't you make the decision for him when you told him to go to hell?

No response is still a response.

MorningRichie · 02/07/2019 13:01

Foreverhanging, in your last sentence, you've misspelled "he" as "you".

SagAloojah · 02/07/2019 13:04

@adaline

You said ‘why should he speak to her again when she hasn't apologised for her outburst?’ And now you know she apologised you’re saying ‘you can't behave badly and expect to get away with it because you've apologised’.

OP cannot win here can she? Whatever she does is wrong.

OP, take back control and text him to say it’s over.

brotown · 02/07/2019 13:05

You told him to go to Hell and now you’re wondering why he’s ignoring you?!
He’s just doing what you asked

AmericasAss · 02/07/2019 13:06

Yes I understand that, but what I'm saying he has two options, which is to break up with me or speak to me about the situation.

No. You told him to go to hell. He can sit back and and accept that as being over.

He doesnt have to do anything.

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