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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU or is DP? He's ignoring me please help

267 replies

Inahuffpuff · 01/07/2019 21:32

My DP and I made plans on Friday to do something today (Monday) we barely spend any time together, so was looking forward to it. We don’t live together btw. Sunday night he tells me he can’t make it because he needs to see his friend. I lost it, and sent him a long message basically venting my frustration with everything that’s been going on. At the end, I tell him I won’t make anymore plans and to go to hell. He ignores the message, and the 4-5 messages I sent him today. I’ve even called him a few times, he’s ignored that. I’m now sitting here reading my messages that I sent to him trying to figure out what he could be upset about, and I think it’s the ‘go to hell ‘ bit. He’s the type that will ignore you all day if you swear at him or send him an angry text.

Ive apologised before when I’ve sent angry texts out of frustration but with this one I don’t know. AIBU or is he? Would you be upset if someone told you to go to hell in anger and ignore them all day? I’m tempted to call him again, cuz I want to know what he’s angry about. Please help me

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 01/07/2019 23:01

If someone sent me an angry text ending 'go to hell' I would understand that to mean 'you're dumped'.

And you're asking if he has reason to be upset? Well you just dumped him by text, so yes.

I agree he should have said 'sorry I have to change our plans together tomorrow because...' not just 'I have to do this'. But, if you'd waited, then said that to him, he'd have owed you an apology.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 01/07/2019 23:02

Letting you down at the last minute when you had arranged something was not great.

You sound like you are in the habit of losing your temper and saying things you later regret. Also not great.

I would take a deep breath and wait for him to contact you. Then have a grown up conversation about how things escalated to this.

LookWhosInTheRejectBin · 01/07/2019 23:03

Lol, are you my twin? This is exactly what I was thinking, if he really loved me he wouldn't have the heart to ignore me like this

Yeah, and he's probably thinking if she really loved me she wouldn't be telling me to go to hell, sooo...

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 01/07/2019 23:03

You are both in the wrong, but anyone ranting and raving at me via text would be dumped. I don't have time for that drama.

You're 31. Time to reign it in and learn to talk about issues like an adult, not like a petulant child.

SpaceCadet4000 · 01/07/2019 23:04

Why don't you spend much time together? And how long have you been together?

I'd be really annoyed if I was cancelled on like that, so I get where you're coming from. At the same time, I think it's strange that you don't see each other much and you're conducting all of this via text. It's really not the best form of communication to conduct the daily ins and outs of a relationship in.

Sunshine93 · 01/07/2019 23:06

Four years at 31 and you havent moved in together? And he let you down at the last minute to meet a friend, without explaining why. I dont think this relationship is going anywhere before you reacted like a banshee

Sorry but I agree with this. He sounds like
The boyfriend I had when I was 17, blowing me off for his mates, spending time with me when it suited him etc. And you sound like me when I was 17 ranting and raving at him one minute then madly in love and emotional the next.

I learnt that a man who loves you doesn't treat you like that. I also learnt how to deal more appropriately with my anger even if it in entirely reasonable to be angry as it sounds like you probably were.

15YemenRoad · 01/07/2019 23:07

@NeckPainChairSearch Exactly. Everyone would have called him an abuser and then all sorts as usual. Perhaps @gamerchick who often displays arrogance can re-think her post. The only strange post was hers filled with terrible advice which OP seemed to agree with, unsurprisingly.

Birds of a feather.. both sound terrible.

I now hope he's gone and done you a favour and decided to move on. Clearly there's no respect here.

HeddaGarbled · 01/07/2019 23:07

He’s playing you and you are making it easy for him.

Here’s what’s happening:

  1. He treats you in a disrespectful/thoughtless/unkind way.
  2. You, provoked, go off the deep end.
  3. He ignores you.
  4. You go all needy and desperate and apologetic.
  5. He continues to ignore you.
  6. You behave even more needy, desperate and apologetic.
  7. When you’ve been abject enough for long enough and when he’s got you right where he wants you, he throws you a crumb.

And repeat.

He’s being nasty and manipulative. You’re being a mug.

Yinyen · 01/07/2019 23:08

honestly he's not that into you. Before you know it he will meet someone else.
I have seen as so many times over the years. If you truly loved you you'll be living together and / or married. When I was this age my now husband wanted to spend most nights with me if not all. I know it feel really hard but you need to move on.

ItsWitchingTime · 01/07/2019 23:08

Knew it wouldn't be long till someone accused the partner of gaslighting or not being a decent partner.....

Op, honestly it looks like you're both at fault, from your posts it seems you more. I'd leave it for tonight, maybe even tomorrow to let you both cool down and then speak. For all you know, like the other times it seems you've 'had a go' there could be a reasonable explanation or he could just be a cock womble.

I will add though, and it's only my opinion, if my partner had form for ranting abuse at me over text and apologising then sent one telling me to go to hell I would honestly ignore him while I calmed down and then told him where to go. You don't get to have a go at someone over text, play the victim for being rightfully ignored and then eat your own words when you've got the full story and had time to calm down.

15YemenRoad · 01/07/2019 23:09

@LookWhosInTheRejectBin Ha, exactly. Before MN I never heard the word narcissist so often, I now wonder those who often call others narcissist, perhaps they themselves are the problem really.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/07/2019 23:09

Here’s what’s happening...

Nothing like a bit of wild projection Hmm

TalkinAboutManetManet · 01/07/2019 23:09

You actually sound unhinged. I’d ignore someone who sent me texts like that too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/07/2019 23:11

Loads of armchair psychologists dishing out diagnoses and that’s one of the favourites 15YemenRoad Mind boggling how many people on here know narcissists. Often not until they’ve split up with them.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 01/07/2019 23:12

hedda or he's a bit flaky, she's a bit ott, and they're not compatible.

The projection!

NinjaInFluffyPJs · 01/07/2019 23:14

Why are people going on about the partner being the bad guy? Have you missed this?Hmm

In the past I did apologised for sending angry texts, but that was because I had he was ignoring me even though he wasn't. He was just busy doing something, so I apologised when he explained why he wasn't replying to my texts. I realised I was BU, so apologised.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/07/2019 23:15

What was stopping him from being a big boy and using his words when he rang to tell you he was meeting a friend? As in 'sorry love, going to have to call off Monday's meet up, Steve's just split up with his partner and he's really upset, so we're going to have a few pints and put the world to rights, really sorry, hope you understand.' Rather than 'meeting a friend, like it or lump it.'

I would be furious too. I doubt very much if I would ever have texted him again, to be honest, let alone 'go to hell'. I think he got off lightly there. I would, quite honestly, go complete radio silence. See what he has to say for himself - if anything.

15YemenRoad · 01/07/2019 23:19

@AnneLovesGilbert Oh Anne, I completely agree. It's almost become the standard thing to say to so that poster's feel for you more. Anyone who you don't like, oh it's become they're a narcissist. Always the same old, isn't it?

15YemenRoad · 01/07/2019 23:22

@NinjaInFluffyPJs Because no matter how awful a woman behaves, it can be justified. Men however, nope, never. Men are just awful all the time when it comes to some posters. Their hatred for men and projection often provides support for those like them yet all the level headed people are reading the words thinking what the actual fuck.

ItsWitchingTime · 01/07/2019 23:22

That doesnt go in ops favour though @NinjaInFluffyPJs. Ops partner is obviously a gaslighting narcissistic man child.

Livelovebehappy · 01/07/2019 23:24

Wierd that people on here think op is being unreasonable by telling him to go to hell. To have made plans to do something with someone and then being told at the last minute that he has decided to see his friend instead is totally rude and disrespectful. Op, do not apologise, because if you do he will do the same thing again, and again and again, as he will think it’s okay to let you down - he’s treating you like crap, and if you have to send him a few strongly worded texts to make him understand that, then so be it. Can’t imagine telling him to go to hell is so traumatising for him.

HeddaGarbled · 01/07/2019 23:25

You say “projection”, I say “recognition”. Yes, it could be either, but if you haven’t experienced it, you’re unlikely to recognise it, and when you’re going through it, the 95% of people blaming it on you can be very damaging.

Please think before joining the pile-on. This isn’t entertainment - it’s someone’s life.

Mintlegs · 01/07/2019 23:25

I would back off. You need to establish a different way how you react to these situations, it’s not healthy for either of you. If the relationship is this difficult at this stage, is it worth it? Are you being reasonable? He should see his friends but you may wish to agree what is reasonable equally. The more you smother him, the more he will back off I think

Nanna50 · 01/07/2019 23:25

Well said @NeckPainChairSearch

CathScarlett · 01/07/2019 23:27

I think you're getting a really hard time OP. He's been beyond rude, knew he would upset you, and is now punishing you.

Sack him off.

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