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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP? He's ignoring me please help

267 replies

Inahuffpuff · 01/07/2019 21:32

My DP and I made plans on Friday to do something today (Monday) we barely spend any time together, so was looking forward to it. We don’t live together btw. Sunday night he tells me he can’t make it because he needs to see his friend. I lost it, and sent him a long message basically venting my frustration with everything that’s been going on. At the end, I tell him I won’t make anymore plans and to go to hell. He ignores the message, and the 4-5 messages I sent him today. I’ve even called him a few times, he’s ignored that. I’m now sitting here reading my messages that I sent to him trying to figure out what he could be upset about, and I think it’s the ‘go to hell ‘ bit. He’s the type that will ignore you all day if you swear at him or send him an angry text.

Ive apologised before when I’ve sent angry texts out of frustration but with this one I don’t know. AIBU or is he? Would you be upset if someone told you to go to hell in anger and ignore them all day? I’m tempted to call him again, cuz I want to know what he’s angry about. Please help me

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 01/07/2019 22:17

How long have you been seeing him, OP? How often does he cancel plans because he wants to do something other than spending time with you? And how many times have you had a tanty because he wasn't immediately jumping to obey you? I think it sounds like he's had enough of you, too, and you need to back off.
Even if it's the case that you're just some woman he keeps on the back burner for when he's got an itchy dick - if he's not very into you, bin and move on rather than letting yourself turn into a bunny-boiling PITA.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/07/2019 22:18

I'm the type that will react and say certain things, then think about it later.

Well you need to work on that. It’s not an okay way to be. Grow up and take some control of yourself.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 01/07/2019 22:18

Oh dear. Leave him be. There must be some back story to the this surely?

Closertotheheart · 01/07/2019 22:19

Sorry OP, I thought you were younger Blush

Learn from this and let it go. Sounds like it was going nowhere fast from what you've described

ShatnersWig · 01/07/2019 22:22

If I was him I'd be ignoring you too. If someone sent me a stroppy text saying go to hell, I'd take their advice and that's the last you'd hear from me. Life's too short to deal with that sort of drama once you are no longer a teenager

TheTrollFairy · 01/07/2019 22:23

How long have you been together?
I think my DP of over 10 years would ignore me if I told him to go to hell. Sometimes plans have to change at the last minute. You didn’t even check first to see if your anger was warranted. Eg, friend has a real drama/emergency - fine to cancel and doesn’t warrant anger
He wants to go to the pub - not fine to cancel and the anger text (although childish) are more warranted

sandragreen · 01/07/2019 22:24

How long have you been dating this "DP" ?

It doesn't sound like he is into you.

EnglishRose13 · 01/07/2019 22:28

Sorry, I think you're wasting your time on this relationship.

Namestheyareachangin · 01/07/2019 22:32

I think the issue here is you obviously think it is somehow ok or even attractive to "react first and then think later". He clearly doesn't agree.

Get your feelings under control or go and find another drama llama who enjoys EastEnders style melodrama as much as you do.

Original poster
Inahuffpuff · 01/07/2019 22:36

Been together 4 years. Yes, I know I need to work on myself. I'm not going to text or call him, I'll see if he gets back in contact and only when will I try to apologise. I only came on here to see if he has a reason to be upset, and it looks like it. Thank you for your replies, appreciate it.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/07/2019 22:36

Don't apologise, don't text or call him again. Ignore the strange posts on here saying you're in the wrong and re evaluate your relationship.

A decent bloke wouldn't blow you out at a late stage when you barely see each other and then ignore you when you show upset.

Fuck him.

ISpeakJive · 01/07/2019 22:37

You can’t text someone ‘Go to hell’ and then keep bombarding them with texts...
It makes no sense and you end up being the unreasonable one.

Original poster
Inahuffpuff · 01/07/2019 22:41

A decent bloke wouldn't blow you out at a late stage when you barely see each other and then ignore you when you show upset.

Fuck him.*

Lol, are you my twin? This is exactly what I was thinking, if he really loved me he wouldn't have the heart to ignore me like this. He hasn't spoken to me since last night.

I'm just going to leave him alone for now.

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 01/07/2019 22:43

Look - i think this relationship has probably run its course.
You've been together 4 years but rarely see each other,

He doesn't prioritise you and when you get pissed off he gives you the silent treatment
He gaslights you into thinking you are causing the problems/making him go silent

He isn't considerate of your needs

What is there actually worth staying for?
(The sunken cost fallacy doesn't count)

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/07/2019 22:45

Life really shouldn’t be this stressy or dramatic. You might find you don’t miss the angst if he doesn’t get in touch.

Gth1234 · 01/07/2019 22:46

It's a bit late, but I never understand why people say so much in texts.

I always thought it was congratulate in writing. but not criticise. A phone call would have been better than a text. Hopefully you both don't want it to end. It does seem strange describing someone you rarely see as a partner.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/07/2019 22:47

He gaslights you into thinking you are causing the problems/making him go silent

Um, no. The majority on here have said she was wrong to unleash a tirade on him and he’s right not to pander to it. He’s not “gaslighting” her by refusing to engage with the abuse he’s received.

MummyKnowsAll · 01/07/2019 22:48

I think he's got all the power here and it's doing you no good.
Unless he had a very good reason he shouldn't have cancelled on you, but having done so he should understand you'll be emotional. It seems to me that maybe he causes issues and you end up apologising for your reactions.
Leave him be.
If he gets in touch you both owe each other an apology. You shouldn't be the only one who apologises.

Nanna50 · 01/07/2019 22:48

You don’t know why he needed to see his friend? Perhaps his friend had a crisis or a diagnosis or needed him for some reason.

Your text pointing out all of the negatives in your relationship, stating you won’t make more plans and telling him to go to hell sounds like you’ve ended it.

If there are so many negatives, then perhaps it’s just as well it has ended?

NeckPainChairSearch · 01/07/2019 22:50

My DP and I made plans on Friday to do something today (Monday) we barely spend any time together, so was looking forward to it. We don’t live together btw. Sunday night I told him that I can’t make it because I needed to see my friend. He lost it, and sent me a long message basically venting his frustration with everything that’s been going on. At the end, he told me he won’t make anymore plans and to go to hell. I ignored the message, and the 4-5 messages he sent today. He's apologised before when he's sent angry texts out of frustration

Now, what would the advice be here? 'YABU, he's definitely in the right, you shouldn't have let him down'? Honestly?

C0untDucku1a · 01/07/2019 22:53

Four years at 31 and you havent moved in together? And he let you down at the last minute to meet a friend, without explaining why. I dont think this relationship is going anywhere before you reacted like a banshee.

Whackitupto200 · 01/07/2019 22:54

Sounds like this relationship is done. You’ve been together for four years but you rarely see each other and he’s always blowing you out at the last minute for a better offer.

What is there to save here? It sounds shit. Don’t bother following up with more texts. Just leave it.

Juliehooligan · 01/07/2019 22:56

He sounds a bit of a Pratt, yes you shouldn’t have told him go to hell, but after 4 years together, he should know that you can get a bit narky after being let down. You both need to have a sit down and chat about where you are both going in life. Good luck x

Femodene · 01/07/2019 23:00

Yeah, usually I’d say stonewalling is an abusive tactic by trash, but your boyfriend is simply not rising to your verbal (text) abuse drivel. Gobbing off and saying go to hell is you dumping him. What other way is there to view it? Run your mouth first, think later is not a personality trait, you’re 31, sort your life out, ffs. No need for the drama and fighting, you get one life.

sonjadog · 01/07/2019 23:00

If someone swore at me, I wouldn't be interested in dating them. I think he is being restrained by just ignoring you.

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