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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn’t want to care for DD when I’m at work anymore

329 replies

PoppySeedBun18 · 01/07/2019 11:24

So, here goes:

I came off maternity leave about a month ago. The plan was for DD to have a childminder on Monday and Friday when I’m at work. This would be paid out of my part time wages. Well, a month in and it’s all going to pot already!

I work on ambulances so my shifts are long and I have to do at least one night shift a week. I book my own shifts but often get kicked off them meaning I have to make up the hours on a weekend day/night. I cam back yesterday having done a 12 hour day shift (and a 12 hour night shift on Friday) for DH to start ranting that looking after 1yo Dd is too hard and he can’t cope. His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

Now I’m in a predicament. I have to work next Friday and Saturday night (was supposed to be working on Monday but lost that shift) and am working tonight too, and won’t be home till 3am (again I was supposed to finish at 11pm but got moved so now am finishing at 2am). What am I supposed to do? I’ve only been a month on this contract and it’s the most flexible one they offer. I can’t give up work as we can’t afford it and we have no family who can help.

He’s basically left me with this dilemma which I have to figure out. We were planning to have a second child which he’s now refusing (he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’).

So I now feel guilty as shit as well as chronically sleep deprived. What can I do???

OP posts:
HorridHenrysNits · 02/07/2019 10:02

It does sound like it would be in everyone's interests for the OP to do the course as soon as possible.

Spanglyprincess1 · 02/07/2019 10:24

Op, I work Monday to Friday and do all the childcare on the weekend as dp works. It's crap and I'm very tierd but we have bills and baby needs food and a warm house. Needs must.
If her oh can't cope they need to arrange childcare for a Sat or Sunday and pay for it.
Some places do offer this. But the cost needs to be met through joint money

HoppingPavlova · 02/07/2019 10:58

Can he take DD over to some relatives who can help him entertain her?

Why does he need help to entertain/look after his child when he is not workingConfused.

BubblyBluePebbles · 02/07/2019 11:12

Sorry to hear that your DH is a dick. Childcare costs are a shared cost as all household/family bills all ultimately come out of the same pot. You absolutely should not even entertain having anymore children with this man. I know it'll be hard OP, but you need to seriously consider ending this situation. Unless he's going through a 'phase' or depression, etc you need to kick him out or go stay with family or friends at least temporarily in the first instance if he won't leave the family home. Get some advice/help via NHS at work. Some couple counselling even. A lot of employers provide fee counselling for their employees and their partners. I really feel for you. Do what's best for you and your child. Good luck 💐

BubblyBluePebbles · 02/07/2019 11:12

*free counselling

Whosorrynow · 02/07/2019 11:22

And he is stupid enough to, in effect, keep his wife from doing the course that would enable her to get a job with better hours and potentially better pay
maintaining his position of power and control as the breadwinner is more important to him, that's why he blocks her from advancing in her career

thedevondumpling · 02/07/2019 11:31

I wouldn't like it from the other angle, either - being considered financially responsible for everything while my partner just works for "extra". I prefer to be part of an equally responsible team.

But presumably you don't expect everyone to do things your way and the OP and her husband can sort their finances out to suit them.

madcatladyforever · 02/07/2019 11:42

My point is decomposing is that OP's husband doesn't want to spend any time with his child. he works all week then doesn't want the child on his two days off.
What an absolute waste of space, why did he agree to have a child then?
I'm sure he doesn't do any of the night wake ups either as OP says she is sleep deprived.
Fuck men like this...to infinity.

DecomposingComposers · 02/07/2019 12:35

He can't manage one single weekend without ranting about how unfair it is that he has to actually be a father. You are saying he would be better off having to do 3.5 days every week. Some of those days he would obviously be paying for childcare.

Where are you getting this from? He is looking after the child at the weekend. He's complaining that he doesn't want to do it every weekend, on top of working 5 days a week and never having a break. So yes, 3.5 days a week would be better for him than the current set up. And yes, he'd have to pay for childcare but then the OP would have to pay for rent, bills, good plus childcare. So, again, the OP would be in a worse position if they were to split. If this were a mum posting here to say that she's expected to work full time and then have the kids all weekend on her own while her husband worked part time people would be up in arms about it.

DecomposingComposers · 02/07/2019 12:39

My point is decomposing is that OP's husband doesn't want to spend any time with his child. he works all week then doesn't want the child on his two days off.

Where does it say that? I'm hearing that the DH doesn't want to be at work all week and then be on his own all weekend with the child. That isn't what the arrangement was and tbh I don't blame him. Everyone needs a bit of time to unwind.

If a woman described her life like this posters would be insisting that she needs some time to herself etc

Dodahdodah · 02/07/2019 12:43

I don’t think it’s fair for one parent (who works all week) to be stuck providing childcare alone all weekend. I would say that whether it was you OP or DH

My Nan always said life isn’t fair, get over it and I think she has a point. Both parents have a life and a career to consider. Bills have to be paid and children cared for. Anyway, the parent who works all week has the easier gig, caring for a small child all week isn’t a walk in the park.

DecomposingComposers · 02/07/2019 12:57

Anyway, the parent who works all week has the easier gig, caring for a small child all week isn’t a walk in the park.

Which parent is caring for the child all week?

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 02/07/2019 13:01

Children are 24/7. What about that didn't he understand before he decided to be a father?

sleepynewmumxo · 02/07/2019 13:04

Imagine a mother turned around and said "I can't look after this kid at the weekends, I need to relax" why do men think they can do the same? I get that every single parent needs some down time, but a couple hours is enough, not an entire weekend.

PinkCrayon · 02/07/2019 13:05

Sounds like hes just ranting.. kids can be hard work and I am not sure its fair or kind to tell someone to get over it. I wouldnt be happy if my dh said that to me after a particularly hard day. Empathy goes a long way.

In regards to weekends are u actually getting any family time together?

DecomposingComposers · 02/07/2019 13:16

Children are 24/7. What about that didn't he understand before he decided to be a father?

If the OP was either working or doing childcare 24/7 then I would agree but

  1. what's the deal with the childminder 2 days a week? The OP hadn't answered this - does the child still go even if the OP isn't working? If she does then how is it ok for the OP to have 2 work and child free days per week while her husband has none?

  2. maybe the husband would prefer to care for the child during the week where there are playgroups and toddler groups that they could go to, rather than trying to fill 2 days at the weekend where there aren't things on? Maybe if this is not what he wants then they both need to re think their hours and days worked and reach a compromise that both are happy with?

I can't see how these short notice shifts are compatible with family life. What if the OP only gets shifts on the days when DH is at work and they don't have childcare? Does that mean the OP doesn't work that week? So, she's essentially on a zero hours contract rather than a contracted number of hours?

Original poster
PoppySeedBun18 · 02/07/2019 13:54

Sorry I haven’t replied, I was at work and woke up to loads of new posts. I can’t answer everything but I can say that on the 2 days Dd is at the childminder and I haven’t got a shift booked I’ve had to do a night shift the day before to make up for it, so I’m sleeping that off and then doing all the housework when I wake up early afternoon ish.

If I can’t get the right shifts or the right hours then I have to make it up another time.

I understand DH wants some downtime, but what’s the alternative if we have no childcare? It isn’t ideal but he knows the nature of my job, he used to do it himself until just a few years ago!

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 02/07/2019 14:06

"I’ve actually got a birthday party next Sunday which I’ll take Dd to - I would have just come off a night shift but I’m pretty used to having zero sleep now!"

Why can't your partner take his daughter to the party?

You need sleep in order to work and look after your child. You said yourself that during maternity leave you did all the childcare because your partner was working and needed to sleep! Well you need your sleep too. Don't be a martyr. If you are seriously sleep deprived, you will make mistakes at work, you might be at risk of accidents (which could affect your DD or your patients and not just you) and your mental health will suffer.

It sounds as if you need a flexible and supportive partner in order to cope with the unpredictable demands of your job. I think you have some thinking and talking to do. How important is your job to you, can you (and do you want to) make changes to your working pattern? If you can't or don't want to change anything, you and your partner will have to come up with a plan. Is there any flexible childcare support you could use (family, au pair??) If not he will have to suck it up.

OneStepSideways · 02/07/2019 14:16

Looking after a one year old alone all weekend after a full week at work is HARD. I've done it when DH had to work away. The combination of work stress, broken nights, a demanding grizzly baby and no downtime almost broke me. At least when there are two of you parenting at the weekend you can share the load and take it in turns!

Can you encourage your DH to take some annual leave on the days baby's at the childminders, so he has some downtime before your weekend on nights?

madcatladyforever · 02/07/2019 14:23

Oh come off it decomposing, I looked after my child all the time when I wasn't working (I was single mum).
It could be tiring but I chose to have my baby. I wanted to look after him, he was much more important than having down time and the baby years are over so quickly.
I am really sad that OP's husband is not interested in his own child. If my now adult son did that I'd be shocked.
I know so many men who throw themselves into fatherhood and are wonderful and loving fathers who adore their babies.
This guy doesn't seem to give a shit about his.

adaline · 02/07/2019 14:32

My point is decomposing is that OP's husband doesn't want to spend any time with his child. he works all week then doesn't want the child on his two days off.

That's not what he's said at all. He's said he doesn't want to work all week and then solo parent all weekend. If OP was home they could both a break and get some time to themselves as well as enjoy family time together.

OneStepSideways · 02/07/2019 14:46

I looked after my child all the time when I wasn't working (I was single mum).

It's very different looking after a child on your own when you're not juggling a full time job as well!

DecomposingComposers · 02/07/2019 16:10

I looked after my child all the time when I wasn't working (I was single mum).

And that's different to working all week and then being on your own all weekend. And I don't disagree that single parents have a very hard time. But if you are in a couple then I think you ought to be able to expect to share the load.

There are lots of posters on this thread explaining that they were in the husband's position and that it nearly broke them. It's not just one case of a lazy man refusing to parent.

Isleepinahedgefund · 02/07/2019 18:05

How lovely to be able to opt out of parenting 🙄

I actually can't believe you have accepted his position and see it as a dilemma you need to address!

Namechange365 · 02/07/2019 18:50

How lovely to be able to opt out of parenting 🙄

I actually can't believe you have accepted his position and see it as a dilemma you need to address!

Can I ask a serious question? When people say things like this that parenting is so hard do they regret having kids?

I’ve not had children (yet) but the way people talk about it, like it’s this awful slog, is definitely off putting Confused