DH doesn’t want to care for DD when I’m at work anymore

[PoppySeedBun18]

So, here goes:

I came off maternity leave about a month ago. The plan was for DD to have a childminder on Monday and Friday when I’m at work. This would be paid out of my part time wages. Well, a month in and it’s all going to pot already!

I work on ambulances so my shifts are long and I have to do at least one night shift a week. I book my own shifts but often get kicked off them meaning I have to make up the hours on a weekend day/night. I cam back yesterday having done a 12 hour day shift (and a 12 hour night shift on Friday) for DH to start ranting that looking after 1yo Dd is too hard and he can’t cope. His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

Now I’m in a predicament. I have to work next Friday and Saturday night (was supposed to be working on Monday but lost that shift) and am working tonight too, and won’t be home till 3am (again I was supposed to finish at 11pm but got moved so now am finishing at 2am). What am I supposed to do? I’ve only been a month on this contract and it’s the most flexible one they offer. I can’t give up work as we can’t afford it and we have no family who can help.

He’s basically left me with this dilemma which I have to figure out. We were planning to have a second child which he’s now refusing (he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’).

So I now feel guilty as shit as well as chronically sleep deprived. What can I do???

Isn't he just having a rant? I know I've told dh I couldn't cope after a bad day/week when the dc were young, there wasn't much to be done about it but a bit of sympathy maybe some suggestions wouldn't go amiss? I'm guessing he hasn't been in sole charge that much before. It will be the making of him really and be great for their relationship. If he's replied "nothing" then I think it's more a need or sympathy rather than a demand you leave work.

Dc are exhausting, but parents don't get to opt out of looking after them.

There is literally nothing less attractive than a man who is too pathetic to care for his own dc.

He really is being a shit OP. When I worked my DH always looked after the children when he could even if he had been on a night shift and he also worked long long hours.

It's part of being a parent I'm afraid, you can't pick and choose.

Does he want you to give up work? I'd be very careful. I wouldn't be having another child with him either.

Your work pattern does sound exhausting and it would add to my stress to not know when my partner would be at work. You do need some time together to have fun as well. Is this the best contract you can get?

Your husband is a lazy bastard and basically a cunt.

He has to look after her, there isn’t any other option, so he’ll just need to do what every other half decent parent on the planet does and get the fuck on with it. I wouldn’t give it another thought.

He cant love her that much if he cant be arsed to be her parent.

Tell him to grow the fuck up and join the real world. Millions of parents are faced with working all week then doing the parenting at the weekend. He aint special.

I think a lot of PP are missing that what you discussed and agreed about your childcare arrangements isn't what is actually happening in real life. If you agreed to work Monday and Friday, but are actually working all weekend, it's a bit different.

I work full time as does DH. I'm on my own with the DC on Saturday as DH works Saturdays and I am exhausted having them on the weekend after working all week. It is hard. I think I would be pissed off if I wasn't expecting to be looking after the DC on a Saturday.

Realistically, can you afford to move into a job that would mean working similar patterns to your DH? So paying for full time child care and then being off at the same time together.

So you've managed to cope with her for a year and he can't manage a day? He needs to grow up.

Tell him you are obviously a better parent than him since you can work two days a week and then look after your daughter every other day, whereas he cannot even handle looking after her for two days after 5 days work. Tell him it's a good thing he doesn't want a second child because you wouldn't want one with such a shit dad anyway, he's pathetic and a wet flannel.

He's going to just have to get used to it. I work pretty much all weekend and Dp looks after his child after working all week. It's the modern world where most of us need 2 wages to survive.

Tell him to be thankful you haven't got twins.

I think I'd find the unpredictability of shifts like yours hard too to be honest. How come you get 'kicked off' shifts and have to take other ones? How does that work? Are you like a bank worker?

My DH refused to get up at night when DC were babies, but he was very capable caring for them whe I worked. They were only 20 months apart and I went back to work after 6 weeks with DC 1.
He just needs more practice.
Do you feel DC is at risk with him?

I think splitting childcare and work hours between you can be great for your child in always being with a parent, but frankly it must be brutal for both of you because nobody gets a break. Is he often grumpy like this or has he had a particularly bad few weeks and is just reaching a limit? Is your child particularly challenging at the moment, teething or whatever? If he's often useless and not pulling his weight then you need to think again about your relationship. If it's overwork and exhaustion however then can you sit him down to both work through the childcare options? E.g. nursery or childminder during the week with you doing day shifts, so he only has one "shift" on his own with your child and you also get one "shift" on your own with your child. Both of you need to have some downtime scheduled each week, just a few hours of peace to quietly rest, read and relax. If you pool your funds and get the best shifts that work for both of you, could that work?

He'd hate my life OP.. I work from home and look after toddler DS full time whilst DP works 5 days a week. I look after DS 5:30am-7pm, work when he naps and when he goes down at night. So barely ever a moment off or to relax. And I'm pregnant! And to be honest, I don't even think it's that bad!!

He seriously needs to grow up. Having a child = parenting that child. And getting very little time to be selfish.

And you are seriously considering a second child with this man? A man who will not parent his child now? You would be crazy!

Sounds like he had a tough weekend and was having a rant. It doesn’t make him a bad person. We all get fed up being stuck on our own with the kids. You’re both in new territory, with parenthood and the return to work and it’s all different and stressful. I’d sit him down with a glass of wine and talk through your options.

Well, when is your day off childcare and work?

Maybe he needs some sympathy and is just ranting, but if hes serious then he’s a huge cock nostril and deserve both throttles x

It does sound rather as though he is venting a bit, rather than full-blown "I don't want to do parenting any more and won't", but you are more likely to know which is the case. I agree with Butterymuffin, your position at work where someone else appears to have the power to change your shifts makes things a heck of a lot harder for you. What on earth is all that about? Is that normal in your sector?

I hope the stance your DH has taken over no more sex to make sure of no more babies is just a temporary blip caused by reality adjustment shock

It sounds like he's handling it very immaturely, but I do see why he's frustrated (not saying that excuses his behaviour).

I wouldn't fancy working all week then looking after our DD alone at the weekend either. Fair enough if that was what you had both agreed would happen, but it wasn't.

Is there no way you can get more predictable shift patterns or a job which fits into more standard childcare hours?

Isn't he just having a rant? I know I've told dh I couldn't cope after a bad day/week when the dc were young, there wasn't much to be done about it but a bit of sympathy maybe some suggestions wouldn't go amiss? I'm guessing he hasn't been in sole charge that much before. It will be the making of him really and be great for their relationship. If he's replied "nothing" then I think it's more a need or sympathy rather than a demand you leave work.
I think a lot of PP are missing that what you discussed and agreed about your childcare arrangements isn't what is actually happening in real life. If you agreed to work Monday and Friday, but are actually working all weekend, it's a bit different.
Both of these ^^
Surely it's acceptable to have a moan at your spouse when things haven't gone the way you expected or hoped? Trouble shared and all that? No doubt you've equally complained about your shifts being mucked around and hoped he'd be sympathetic without expecting him to actually do anything about it?

Awww your poor, poor DH! Diddums looking after his own kid must be so hard for him. On the bright side he’s only got another 17 years and he can give it up.

Seriously, you know he’s an arsehole right?

He must know he needs to pick up the pieces of this himself .
You don’t get to opt out of parenthood.

I’m basically like a relief worker, so I fill gaps in the manning when people are on leave or are off sick. Problem is if they then book back fit or cancel leave them I just get booted off that shift.
He’s looked after Dd before and stated how tiring it was, but in a light hearted way. She’s still breastfeeding which means it’s still me doing most of the parenting when I’m home, and on ML I did all the getting up at night because he had work in the mornings. He really adores Dd but he is a lazy person by nature, so finds the incessant needs of an infant quite difficult. He was single for a long time before we met so he hasn’t had to think about anyone but himself for a long time. I did tell him that he just wake up and decide he didn’t feel like being a dad that day. Dd will still require nappy changing and feeding/entertaining and she won’t give two hoots about how tired and stressed we are!