DH doesn’t want to care for DD when I’m at work anymore

[PoppySeedBun18]

So, here goes:

I came off maternity leave about a month ago. The plan was for DD to have a childminder on Monday and Friday when I’m at work. This would be paid out of my part time wages. Well, a month in and it’s all going to pot already!

I work on ambulances so my shifts are long and I have to do at least one night shift a week. I book my own shifts but often get kicked off them meaning I have to make up the hours on a weekend day/night. I cam back yesterday having done a 12 hour day shift (and a 12 hour night shift on Friday) for DH to start ranting that looking after 1yo Dd is too hard and he can’t cope. His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

Now I’m in a predicament. I have to work next Friday and Saturday night (was supposed to be working on Monday but lost that shift) and am working tonight too, and won’t be home till 3am (again I was supposed to finish at 11pm but got moved so now am finishing at 2am). What am I supposed to do? I’ve only been a month on this contract and it’s the most flexible one they offer. I can’t give up work as we can’t afford it and we have no family who can help.

He’s basically left me with this dilemma which I have to figure out. We were planning to have a second child which he’s now refusing (he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’).

So I now feel guilty as shit as well as chronically sleep deprived. What can I do???

Every mum i know pays for their childcare as there money is extra and their dh and them have budgeted on the different salaries pays for their childcare as there money is extra

But in this case the OP says she has to work as they need the money so it makes sense to put all the income together and pay out everything from that. Another point is that if you really need this money its better to cut out the cost of childcare by having dh do it.

Boot his sorry arse out of the door and change the locks, phone his Mother and tell her why he is now homeless

My DH struggled with solo childcare at first (few years) but I smiled warmly gave him a big hug each time, said "I know, it's exhausting isn't it. But, you are a great dad, little squidgy loves time with you. It helps build up a great relationship with her. You'll be fine, we have every confidence in you. It takes a while to pace yourself and get used to doing childcare. "
Then every now and then I'd take a weekend annual leave and tell him he could have fun/sleep in/do as he wished.
I work 3 days, partly at weekends and overnight shifts (26 hours) I am a support worker. He works 5 days and gets more a/l than me. So he also takes a/l now and again on days someone else (me or childminder/school) is looking after DD.
It helps.
I think it's called putting a positive spin on the situation! 😂
Maybe you could try something similar with your DH.
Oh, it seemed to do the trick in the long run. In fact her took her and a buddy away for 4 days at half term when I was only working for 2 days (his choice). They had a great time, on their return he said "that's it she's all yours now 😂.
Tell your husband this. Tell him he'll be ok. It'll take a while, but he will.

I don't say this often, but FFS

LTB.

What a terrible husband.

And what a shit marriage.

Sorry @PoppySeedBun18 but it is.

The childcare fees are coming out of YOUR part time wage?

WTAF?!

"For clarification, the reason I pay all the childcare is that DH pays all the other bills." Except that he doesn't. Because "I can’t give up work as we can’t afford it" . So he doesn't earn enough to pay all the bills.

I think you are being played by this lazy fucker on several levels.

Let's start with the financial level. Housing - rented or bought? If rented, in which names, who is the tenant? If bought, are you on the deeds/mortgage? Because it's far too common for one partner to put all the house payments through their account, shafting the other partner by making it look as if they paid nothing towards it.

Is there a joint account? If both wages were going into one account to meet joint costs, there would be none of this I-pay-he-pays shite.

By making it that YOU pay childcare, I suspect it manipulates you into thinking there's no money left over for any of your personal needs (sanitary pads/tampons, new knickers, haircut, shoes,dental appointment etc.) and so you become super-frugal while he still gets what he wants.

And then there's the practical level that prompted this thread. He expects you to do EVERYTHING while he does as close to fuck all as is possible. "His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’." Well boo fucking hoo. Welcome to the real world of parenting. It clearly won't kill him, but giving in to his demands clearly will exhaust you. SO DON"T GIVE IN TO HIM.

There is one solution to this, and it is in his hands. He needs to grow the fuck up and become a supportive husband and father and if he can't manage that he needs to fuck off. He's not a single man with responsibility only to himself, he's a father with responsibility to his child and a husband with responsibility to his wife. He is NOT some sort of overlord to you, he is your team-mate and he needs to pull his weight.

Most times, I think the best thing is for couples to sit down and talk everything through, because usually the problem is that they've not discussed expectations beforehand and they've been talking at cross-purposes. On this occasion I thinkI'd be inclined to rip hip a new arsehole and tell him to act his age not his shoe size and to stop being a burden not a helpmate.

Where am I going wrong? I thought it was sort of..normal ..to look after your children when not working? At least most of the time. And I didn't get nights off either when the kids were small..

OP are you a paramedic? Or ECA? Or do you work in dispatch?

Have you looked at other alternatives for your skills? There are often alternatives out there that will be better for you, but you do have to know where to look.

Juggling NHS work in whatever form, holding down a relationship and parenting is a total arse ache when you’ve got a cooperative partner, but when one of you wants to check out or throw a wobbler it just increases the stress.

Oh, and I forgot he 's playing you on the career level too. If he can keep you untrained (because you won't be able to cope with the demands of the training without him performing his parental responsibilities) he gets to maintain his 'breadwinner' status. Which he will use to give himself decision-making authority and make you feel as if you have to agree.
FUCK. THAT. SHIT.
Rein him in now. He shapes up or ships out.

And I'm not even going to deal with his no-second0child-and-I'm-not-having-sex-with-you-just-in-case shit. That is just shameless and transparent manipulation.

@PoppySeedBun18, has he EVER been worth a damn? Or is this just the cliched ramping-it-up now he's got you tied to him forever through your joint child?

So he expects on weekends for you to provide him with childcare for dd so he can relax? When does he provide you with childcare so you can relax, or is dd your job?

He may need to realise if anything happened to you he'd be managing dd 24/7 as many single parents do, and if you got fed up with dramatic refusals to sleep with you to demonstrate how big his I don't like being a parent feelings are and left him, he'd be parenting dd alone during every contact time. Probably every other weekend. He might want to think about dealing with this like a grown up.

Does he need to find some parent/toddler activities he can go to on the weekend where dd will be entertained and he gets some structure as to enjoying time with her with other adults around to talk to? The local libraries run a lot of children's programmes, this is the festival season in many cities with loads of children's theatre and entertainers cheaply available in public venues. Baby swimming sessions, all kinds of stuff around. Are there specific logistical and practical issues with dd that he needs help to plan for that are what he's finding so tiring and stressful? Is it the loss of sleep and early starts?

If you're desperate there are a very few 24 hour nurseries around for parents who do overnight shift work while you're re establishing your career. Getting that training - and retaining your financial independence - would seem a good move to me.

What a big giant man baby your H is. I'd understand if the baby was weeks old but she's one ffs! He needs to get a grip.

could be he's got depression, this was how i started. Try and have a chat with him to see if he can explain why he thinks he can't look after DD. Could be he just doesn't know how to look after DD on his own and is scared or overwhelmed, or i could be completly wrong and he could just be trying to get out of hard work (smile)

I agree with LemonTT's comments about sharing the bills. And everything that WhereYouLeftIt said.

It is really important that your DH sees parenthood as a joint enterprise and not a vanity project of yours that he is being signed up for against his will. It is really important that he does not get to see himself as the 'put upon provider' paying for your lifestyle while you spend on 'extras that are not needed' or 'extras that he didn't want' (i.e. DD). There is also the authority role that goes with being 'the provider'. This is a dangerous situation that has developed.

I would have said he is is a fairly malign, fundamentally lazy and extraordinarily immature, selfish arsehole to judge from your initial posts, but when you added the information about the training that you cannot even imagine doing while a colleague with twins has gone ahead with it, he starts to look like someone who is actively sabotaging you.
I would be seriously considering the future of the relationship if I were you.

Not having sex is a red flag here on top of the fact that he has checked out of the 'actual parenting' part of parenthood. He has opted out of two big parts of the relationship so far.

How long has it been since he started refusing to have sex with you? What sort of sex life is he having if not with you? Porn? Someone else?

Do not bring DD to the birthday party with you.
Do not let him fob DD off on his sister the next weekend you are working.

Either he gets up to speed and takes care of his own daughter cheerfully or you start making plans to get out of there.

Ask him how he plans to look after DD every other weekend and overnights every Wednesday. Remind him that there will be child support due to you from him unless he opts for 50-50 care. Ask him how does 50-50 care sound to him.

he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’
this frames you as someone who is an active threat to his wellbeing, as if you are seeking to trap him and bind him to you.

(Tbh you might be better off cutting him loose:o)

parenthood as a joint enterprise and not a vanity project of yours that he is being signed up for against his will
pithy and precisely describes the view that many men take!

Erm, have you asked his sister if she's ok with them going 'for a bit of a break' for him?! It's one thing visiting, but I'd be extremely fucked off if my DBs wife volunteered me for lending a hand on one of my days off because he doesn't want to do it. You don't want to encourage somewomanwilllookaftermykidsitis.

If he can keep you untrained ...... he gets to maintain his 'breadwinner' status. Which he will use to give himself decision-making authority and make you feel as if you have to agree
yes!
This is how he consolidates and maintains power in the relationship

oh jesus....what a dick....my amazing son has just parented for the whole weekend by himself as his wife was away...and he never moaned once, i think he actually enjoys it after a hard week at work and only seeing them at bedtime...if hes seeing it as 'babysitting' he needs to get his head out of his arse...ITS PARENTING!

Everyone has already said he is useless, but if he is good at other things and you like him then you have to respect that he cant cope and help him out. The most obvious solution is a weekend nanny for two mornings or finding a gym he likes that has a creche. Its not your problem to solve but if i couldnt handle sonething being told to suck it up wouldnt help me.

he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’

I think that's very sensible actually. Another baby right now might just be the undoing of both of you. Was your dd planned or a 'happy accident'? If you birth control is not double or triple protected then he is doing the mature and responsible thing in abstaining.

I agree that another child would be a very bad thing, but I dont think that's the only reason he no longer wishes to have a mutual sex life

Help him out with a nanny?! FFS millions of single parents cope with working full time and raising our children. We don't have anyone to help with anything - cooking, cleaning, life admin. We just get on with it.

Tell him to stop being so bloody pathetic

I'm absolutely dumbfounded.
Why on earth did he have a child if he has no intention of looking after said child?
Honestly OP, he sounds absolutely ghastly, and I personally couldn't live with someone so selfish, and who treats you so badly.

OP you didn’t clarify if the child still goes to childminder when your shifts are cancelled?

Whosorrynow Mon 01-Jul-19 17:02:05

I agree that another child would be a very bad thing, but I dont think that's the only reason he no longer wishes to have a mutual sex life

THIS^^