Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn’t want to care for DD when I’m at work anymore

329 replies

PoppySeedBun18 · 01/07/2019 11:24

So, here goes:

I came off maternity leave about a month ago. The plan was for DD to have a childminder on Monday and Friday when I’m at work. This would be paid out of my part time wages. Well, a month in and it’s all going to pot already!

I work on ambulances so my shifts are long and I have to do at least one night shift a week. I book my own shifts but often get kicked off them meaning I have to make up the hours on a weekend day/night. I cam back yesterday having done a 12 hour day shift (and a 12 hour night shift on Friday) for DH to start ranting that looking after 1yo Dd is too hard and he can’t cope. His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

Now I’m in a predicament. I have to work next Friday and Saturday night (was supposed to be working on Monday but lost that shift) and am working tonight too, and won’t be home till 3am (again I was supposed to finish at 11pm but got moved so now am finishing at 2am). What am I supposed to do? I’ve only been a month on this contract and it’s the most flexible one they offer. I can’t give up work as we can’t afford it and we have no family who can help.

He’s basically left me with this dilemma which I have to figure out. We were planning to have a second child which he’s now refusing (he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’).

So I now feel guilty as shit as well as chronically sleep deprived. What can I do???

OP posts:
choli · 01/07/2019 17:19

Every mum i know pays for their childcare as there money is extra and their dh and them have budgeted on the different salaries pays for their childcare as there money is extra
Extra to what? I know no couples where the woman pays the child care solely from her income. It is a shared expense.

I wouldn't like it from the other angle, either - being considered financially responsible for everything while my partner just works for "extra". I prefer to be part of an equally responsible team.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 01/07/2019 17:21

Well this thread is a trip back to the fucking dark ages isn't it. Women's money as "extra" ladymoney, just pocket money dontcherknow, out of which she pays for the optional extra that is childcare, only needed because of her dabbling in her workhobby, while her husband pays the REAL bills with his manmoney.

Smelborp · 01/07/2019 17:25

If he’s changed the deal about looking after your DD while you’re at work then it’s his responsibility to find a solution, not yours.

The way he’s behaving - particularly towards you - will put your marriage in danger. Does he know that?

Whosorrynow · 01/07/2019 17:28

yes OP, thats not wages you're paid, it's pocket money from your workhobby and of course you should use it to pay for your other hobby, your babyhobby

Why should hubby have to spend his free time dealing with your babyhobby, he has his own manhobbies to attend to you know!

MitziK · 01/07/2019 17:35

Have you asked him what music he wants played at his funeral yet?

or is it just me that reacts to such histrionics in that way ?

BarbaraofSevillle · 01/07/2019 17:35

I know you're being sarcastic who but I genuinely do think that some men think that way, that housework and childcare is a fun hobby for women.

I nearly exploded when I saw a comment on FB once, where a man had posted that because they were getting a cleaner, no doubt due to his DWs frustration at his refusal to do his share of housework, that meant that he was entitled to some frivalous treat that I can't remember, because 'she' was benefitting from having a cleaner, ie he saw no responsibility for housework or benefit from paying someone else to do it for them Angry.

Whosorrynow · 01/07/2019 17:40

I genuinely do think that some men think that way, that housework and childcare is a fun hobby for women
they do, yes they do...well they would wouldn't they!

If they can frame it as such and behave as if that is the case then they have our tacit agreement and can feel free to treat themselves to their own leisure time indulgences content in the knowledge that we are in our element up to our elbows in domestic and childcare work

reefedsail · 01/07/2019 17:46

I'd be saying- yes fine with me if you want to put DD in extra childcare at the weekend.

Then leave it at that. Let him sort it out if he doesn't want to do it.

3luckystars · 01/07/2019 17:47

There is no dilemma.

He has to look after your child while you work and get used to it.

Best of luck x

LannieDuck · 01/07/2019 17:48

I'm about to suggesting adding to your OH's workload I'm afraid...

I managed a 12 hour shift on 4 hours of sleep, not great

So often on MN we see people saying that their DH never does overnights with the baby because they have an important job and need their sleep. Well you really do have an important job, and he should be doing the overnight stint before each of your shifts.

(Could you express / mixed feed in order to facilitate this?)

bingbongnoise · 01/07/2019 17:49

@BarbaraofSevillle

I nearly exploded when I saw a comment on FB once, where a man had posted that because they were getting a cleaner, no doubt due to his DWs frustration at his refusal to do his share of housework, that meant that he was entitled to some frivolous treat that I can't remember, because 'she' was benefiting from having a cleaner, ie he saw no responsibility for housework - or benefit from paying someone else to do it for them! Angry

Yep, sadly, this is the attitude that a LOT of men have! Same oiks who regard looking after their own children, as 'babysitting.' And who just HAVE to tell you that they have done the washing up, done the hoovering, and brought the washing in off the line' (on the rare occasions they actually do it!) And they always say 'I did the washing up for YOU,' and I got the washing in for YOU!!!' Hmm

Terrible thing is, men did this when I was a kid (in the 70s/80s,) and they still do it now! Hmm

Even DH used to do it, but stopped pretty sharpish when I flew into a rage a couple of times. I got the old 'I have hoovered the upstairs carpets for you. Saved you a job I have!' bullshit a few times, and I would just glare at him.

What did it for me though, was when I said one time 'urgh housework I am sick of it! Bloody dusting, polishing, hoovering, and washing and ironing all afternoon.' DH said 'stop moaning! You should ENJOY looking after your home and family.

I won't go into what I said/how I reacted, but suffice to say he NEVER said anything like this again.

bingbongnoise · 01/07/2019 17:50

@Lemonlady22

Oh Jesus....what a dick....my amazing son has just parented for the whole weekend by himself as his wife was away...

I don't know where to even start with THIS one! Confused

You regard your son as 'amazing' for parenting his own children for the WHOLE weekend?!!!!!! Confused

Wow. Words fail me. His poor wife! Sad

sanityisamyth · 01/07/2019 17:51

My now ex husband was a nightmare when DS was born. He wasn't great when I was pregnant and got very very close to mutual friends of ours but when DS was born he was there the WHOLE time. He would get up at 6 am, drive their daughter to work (which wasn't on the way), work all day (Admin job with very little to do and would send me messages as to how bored he was) then pick up their daughter on the way to their house so she could get changed, come home to get changed so both of them could look after my horses which I wasn't allowed to see then take her back home where her mother would feed them. He'd get back to me at 10 ish and go to bed.

He was also financially controlling so I didn't have enough money to eat or go out so I was stuck with newborn DS from 6am to 10pm on my own for 6 months until I went back to work. He was also EBF so I did all overnights too.

OP he's a fucking shit for saying it. Get rid. It's easier to cope on your own than you think, especially when you're doing it already.

Good luck.

HotChocolateLover · 01/07/2019 17:53

What a wonderful man, ‘babysitting’ his child so you can go to work 🤦‍♀️ He needs to step up and realise that your DD is his responsibility too. This isn’t going to end well OP. You could always remind him how much child maintenance would cost him....

madcatladyforever · 01/07/2019 17:53

Seriously musnet has made me want to take a dive off Beachy Head today (it's just up the road).

You feel guilty because your husband doesn't want to take care of his own child. Have you suddenly gone insne?

This is a big tough shit situation I'm afraid. He has to and if he doesn't he can fuck off and live somewhere else basically.

That is all there is too it and I would be having words to that effect with him right now.

lazylinguist · 01/07/2019 17:58

Fgs. I work part time, but that doesn't mean the money I earn is 'extra'. I pay it into the joint account, as does dh pay his, then all bills come out of the joint account.

Childcare is a joint outgoing. A child who lives with two parents needs looking after because both parents are out at work, not just because the mother is. Women get little enough recognition for the unpaid wifework they do. Let's not perperuate the belittling of our paid work too.

sandragreen · 01/07/2019 18:20

Every mum i know pays for their childcare as there money is extra and their dh and them have budgeted on the different salaries pays for their childcare as there money is extra

@Teacakeandalatte

Are you having a fucking laugh????

silvercuckoo · 01/07/2019 18:24

Your DH is clearly very immature, but I think you should not leave a very young baby with someone who had openly admitted they are not coping. It is plainly dangerous, and it looks like you have to find another solution - a nanny or a round-the-clock childminder.

dreichuplands · 01/07/2019 18:28

Except this argument isn't one I ever hear about mothers. I'm sure your DH will learn to cope in the way than all but the most feckless and dangerous parents learn to cope by practicing.

MeganRapinoe · 01/07/2019 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KatharinaRosalie · 01/07/2019 19:28

He wants to spend weekends with his wife and child

Um no. He want's to relax and not look after the child. His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

Myotherusernameisshy · 01/07/2019 19:50

Hmm. I think your dh is getting a bit of a hard time here. Yes he should be able to look after his daughter himself and you shouldn’t have to do every night. However your work pattern sounds ridiculous. If he thought you might have one night shift at the weekend and you’ve done two this weekend and two next weekend after only 1 month back I am not surprised he’s unhappy.

Although you pay the childminder he pays other bills so you’re paying on behalf of your family. it’s unfair for you to work PT and have two days to yourself midweek while he works 5 days and then does solo childcare all weekend.
I work school hours PT and DH works unpredictable FT shift work. I hate it because I never know from one week to the next when he will be home. It’s hard to socialise (with my friends or as a family) because by the time I know when he is working everyone else has made plans. It’s hard to find a hobby because I can’t sign up to a regular class. I make the best of it but it’s bloody lonely at the weekend on your own with small children 24/7. I know single parents do it - hats off to them - but I’m not a single parent and I want us to spend time as a family. I also want to have some time off parenting. I’m not lazy or selfish, i’m human.

bingbongnoise · 01/07/2019 20:24

PMSL at the posts by

@MeganRapinoe (at 19.24)

And...

@myotherusernameisshy (at 19.50)

All the LOLZ 😄😂🤣

ChimesAtMidnight · 01/07/2019 20:29

CmdrCressidaDuck Even in the Dark Ages, it was only the rich whose wives' earnings were seen as pocket money.
All through history (in this country) working class women worked and contributed to the family pot.
Older children took care of the younger ones.
These are a couple of examples of working class women whose wages certainly weren't "lady money".
First pic is of women working on the re-surfacing of Oxford Street in London, October 1919.
Second pic is of women porters at Marylebone Station in 1914.

DH doesn’t want to care for DD when I’m at work anymore
DH doesn’t want to care for DD when I’m at work anymore
CmdrCressidaDuck · 01/07/2019 20:32

Oh, I know. Which is why the idea that women's salary is "extra" (...the fuck.) is so retrograde. It's harking back to a time that basically never even happened.