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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn’t want to care for DD when I’m at work anymore

329 replies

PoppySeedBun18 · 01/07/2019 11:24

So, here goes:

I came off maternity leave about a month ago. The plan was for DD to have a childminder on Monday and Friday when I’m at work. This would be paid out of my part time wages. Well, a month in and it’s all going to pot already!

I work on ambulances so my shifts are long and I have to do at least one night shift a week. I book my own shifts but often get kicked off them meaning I have to make up the hours on a weekend day/night. I cam back yesterday having done a 12 hour day shift (and a 12 hour night shift on Friday) for DH to start ranting that looking after 1yo Dd is too hard and he can’t cope. His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

Now I’m in a predicament. I have to work next Friday and Saturday night (was supposed to be working on Monday but lost that shift) and am working tonight too, and won’t be home till 3am (again I was supposed to finish at 11pm but got moved so now am finishing at 2am). What am I supposed to do? I’ve only been a month on this contract and it’s the most flexible one they offer. I can’t give up work as we can’t afford it and we have no family who can help.

He’s basically left me with this dilemma which I have to figure out. We were planning to have a second child which he’s now refusing (he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’).

So I now feel guilty as shit as well as chronically sleep deprived. What can I do???

OP posts:
joliejoleen · 01/07/2019 20:34

Wtf 😳 I'd leave him without even thinking twice. What an absolute twat!

SabineUndine · 01/07/2019 20:40

Tell him this is what being a parent is like. He doesn't get to opt out of the bits he doesn't fancy and dump them on you.

If he doesn't like that, he can fuck off.

MeganRapinoe · 01/07/2019 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bingbongnoise · 01/07/2019 21:12

@MeganRapinoe

😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂😂😂

This is getting funnier and funnier!

You are the gift that keeps on giving. Grin

But are you OK hun......... ?? head tilt Sad

Serious question.

You sound so angry and stressed. Is it defending the OP that is causing it? PMSL. Grin

MeganRapinoe · 01/07/2019 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bingbongnoise · 01/07/2019 21:37

@MeganRapinoe

And you are definitely proving a LOT with every post you submit! Wink

Corna · 01/07/2019 21:45

Christ what a twat.
Men who want to pretend its 1955 again need to step up and start earning enough money to actually afford to keep up the charade.

Myotherusernameisshy · 01/07/2019 22:25

@bingbongnoise
?? Really, why do you find my post soooo funny?
I’m a mum, it’s my honest opinion. 🤷‍♀️
When my DH is here he is brilliant, but he works really long hours and while I know it’s not reasonable I get sick of his job dominating our free time as a family because its unpredictable. So while I think OPs DH has made himself sound like a bit of a dick by saying he can’t parent his own child at the weekend, maybe he just hasn’t expressed himself very well. I can understand him not being onboard with his DW working two shifts a week which take up the entire weekend. She shouldn’t be some ‘little woman’ sitting at home looking after the house and the baby, but she should be taking his feelings into account about their free time as a family. Between them they work 7 shifts a week and pay for 2 days of childcare but at the moment nobody seems to be getting any downtime. It sounds crap for both of them.

mathanxiety · 01/07/2019 23:17

it’s unfair for you to work PT and have two days to yourself midweek while he works 5 days and then does solo childcare all weekend
Myotherusernameisshy

So here's the ideal solution to that bizarre conundrum:
He finds a weekend childminder and pays for childcare if he wants to have his weekends off.

Hmm

As a reminder, the OP gets on with solo childcare on the weekdays when she and the baby are both at home. I bet you anything she gets housework and cooking and grocery shopping and lots more on top of feeding, changing, interacting with and taking care of the baby.

Are we reading the posts of women here or has MN recently been invaded by a bunch of wannabe comedians?

All the LOLZ indeed.

Myotherusernameisshy · 01/07/2019 23:49

I feel like what I say is being twisted Confused.
If your dh had made an agreement to cover childcare costs as his share of family outgoings, then arranged all childcare whilst he was off and you were working and expected you to do solo childcare with all your free time while he worked how happy would you be about it? If he took a job telling you the hours were one thing and they were entirely different and much worse, leaving you with no proper time as a family for 3 weeks at a time, how happy would you be? I am telling you from my position as a mum and the main childcarer my dh has put me in a similar position and I resent him for it. Everyone has leapt on this because it’s a man saying he’s unhappy apparently he should suck it up and be a parent. I can guarantee if OPs DH posted on here but said he was female the advice would be different.
Surely a sensible compromise would be for OP to do one shift at the weekend, 1 shift midweek covered by paid childcare which would leave OP 1 day midweek covered by paid childcare and a family day at the weekend.

Myotherusernameisshy · 01/07/2019 23:50

No she has 3 days of solo childcare and 2 days with her child at a minder while she is off.

bingbongnoise · 01/07/2019 23:54

@mathanxiety

Agree. A small handful of posters - 2 in particular - are posting some outlandish, bizarre, and frankly hilariously entertaining posts.

As for the last post by @Myotherusernameisshy

Poor iccle menz. Soooooooo hard done by Hmm

Also:

myotherusernameisshy is clearly a man ... Sooooo obvious. Grin

mathanxiety · 01/07/2019 23:55

Yes, that is what I said.
the OP gets on with solo childcare on the weekdays when she and the baby are both at home.
She has three days of solo childcare.
If I had meant that she has five days of solo childcare there would have been a comma in that sentence:
the OP gets on with solo childcare on the weekdays, when she and the baby are both at home.

Punctuation matters.

mathanxiety · 02/07/2019 00:04

As for the OP rearranging her shifts to suit the laziness of her H?
You haven't read the part where she said that is not possible?

The ideal solution would be for the H to suck it up while further training or courses are done that would enable the OP to get a better job, in management or whatever, that would guarantee more family friendly hours.

The OP is in no doubt that this would be impossible for her thanks to the expectations her H has of her shouldering both the cost of childcare and the burden of hands on childcare while she is at home, and most likely while her H is at home with her too.

Because he did not say he wanted family time. He said he wanted time off.

DecomposingComposers · 02/07/2019 00:07

So the OP works 2 days out of 7, and out of the remaining 5 her child is in childcare for 2 days. So OP looks after the child for 3 days plus 2 days at work.

The husband works 5 days plus 2 days with child.

Can anyone explain how that is fair?

thisiswhathappened · 02/07/2019 00:14

Op is also looking after the child in the evening.

She’s still breastfeeding which means it’s still me doing most of the parenting when I’m home,

managedmis · 02/07/2019 00:28

So, op?

Any thoughts?

Myotherusernameisshy · 02/07/2019 00:48

Haha, very definitely female!! I just don’t agree with you, it doesn’t make me a man! Grin

Myotherusernameisshy · 02/07/2019 00:52

Thank you decomposing! That’s exactly what I was trying to say (very badly).
I don’t disagree that the dh sounds lazy and crap but that needs to be separately to the fact that OP has taken on a really rubbish rota for anyone with a very young family and a partner that works full time. She says it flexible but actually all the flexibility seems to be on the part of the employee rather than the employer.

Thequaffle · 02/07/2019 00:54

Wow. He’s had one taste of what women are expected to do without ever complaining and he’s crumbled.
Tell him to woman up and get on with it!

Dandelion1993 · 02/07/2019 00:59

No I'm sorry but his attitude is poor.

He is her parent and needs to get on with parenting when you're not there.

Relaxing weekends are one of things as aren't we give up (not all the time, but we can't have it every single week)

Caterina99 · 02/07/2019 01:26

Doesn’t sound like he’s phrased it well, but I’m a sahm to DS 4 and DD 20m and the odd occasion that DH is away all weekend I just feel exhausted mentally and physically as there is no respite. Yes I get on with it, but I wouldn’t be particularly happy in your DHs shoes. You think you’re going to have a weekend with your family, which will contain some downtime as 2 adults to one child would do. And then you have to solo parent all weekend. I KNOW it can’t be helped, and lots of single parents do just that, and he sounds like a dick in other ways, but I can kind of see his point (kind of)

AngelsOnHigh · 02/07/2019 01:33

No one is right or wrong here.

If DH is getting up to a 1 year old until OP gets home at 2 or 3 in the morning, then he has to get up and go to work himself, I can understand his frustration.

Even if he works all week and then has sole care of a 1 year old all week I still understand why he can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

I also understand that the OP must be extremely tired after coming home from a very stressful ,low paying job.

Don't know what the answer is. DH is right though in saying that it isn't the right time for another DC.

mathanxiety · 02/07/2019 02:07

Decomposing, is the OP sitting with her feet on a pouffe, painting her toenails and eating bonbons during those two days, do you think?

You forgot that she is paying for those two days, during which she most likely gets laundry and other household chores done.

If this 'man' wants 'child free' days he needs to pay for them as the OP pays for hers. I note he hasn't complained that he has no time to get his share of the household chores done Hmm

He’s had one taste of what women are expected to do without ever complaining and he’s crumbled.
THIS^^

Many single mothers do all that is expected of mothers and also hold down a job. I am a single mother myself.

Are you a SAHM, Myotherusernameisshy? If so, how long has it been since you were out there trying to earn a living in this economy? Do you really think the OP 'chose' the hours job she has right now or that there are family friendly jobs in the healthcare sector?

Again, let me remind you that her colleague who is the father of twins is right now doing a course that will lead to him getting a job with better hours. This is because he is co-parenting with someone who is intelligent and loving and not a selfish immature arsewipe.

The H needs to either co-operate with the OP and take care of his own daughter thereby allowing her to do that course, or he needs to pay for weekend childcare if he wants time off.

The OP needs to ask this 'man' how 50-50 custody sounds to him, and how eow arrangement/every Wednesday plus child support sounds.

Myotherusernameisshy · 02/07/2019 03:44

Nope, not a SAHM, I run my own business with a handful of employees which I do during school hours and occasional evenings to save on nursery and after school club fees. I did my share of unsociable hours pre kids then changed jobs after mat leave so I could work round them.
If OP left her DH she wouldn’t be able to do the job she has now - she needs him to be able to drop everything to look after their dd any evening or weekend she’s called in with little to no notice. Only the highest earners could retain a nanny to do that. I do the same for my dh and sometimes I resent it and complain even though I know AIB a bit U because he’s not going to work for fun. I also know that other people have it a lot tougher than me, I have a lot of respect for single parents who do it alone all the time. But if you’re in a partnership it’s surely you should both feel the benefits of that partnership.
The other issues of her Dh not pulling his weight when they are both there need dealing with separately.
It’s only reasonable to ask him to pay for his share of childcare if she pays her share (proportional to earnings) of other household bills surely?