DH doesn’t want to care for DD when I’m at work anymore

[PoppySeedBun18]

So, here goes:

I came off maternity leave about a month ago. The plan was for DD to have a childminder on Monday and Friday when I’m at work. This would be paid out of my part time wages. Well, a month in and it’s all going to pot already!

I work on ambulances so my shifts are long and I have to do at least one night shift a week. I book my own shifts but often get kicked off them meaning I have to make up the hours on a weekend day/night. I cam back yesterday having done a 12 hour day shift (and a 12 hour night shift on Friday) for DH to start ranting that looking after 1yo Dd is too hard and he can’t cope. His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

Now I’m in a predicament. I have to work next Friday and Saturday night (was supposed to be working on Monday but lost that shift) and am working tonight too, and won’t be home till 3am (again I was supposed to finish at 11pm but got moved so now am finishing at 2am). What am I supposed to do? I’ve only been a month on this contract and it’s the most flexible one they offer. I can’t give up work as we can’t afford it and we have no family who can help.

He’s basically left me with this dilemma which I have to figure out. We were planning to have a second child which he’s now refusing (he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’).

So I now feel guilty as shit as well as chronically sleep deprived. What can I do???

I got deleted for my replies to @bingbongboise
Like I said, bonkers thread!

Decomposing, is the OP sitting with her feet on a pouffe, painting her toenails and eating bonbons during those two days, do you think?

You forgot that she is paying for those two days, during which she most likely gets laundry and other household chores done.

If this 'man' wants 'child free' days he needs to pay for them as the OP pays for hers. I note he hasn't complained that he has no time to get his share of the household chores done hmm

I don't know what the OP is doing on the child free days. Maybe the DH would like a child and work free day at home and would be happy to spend it doing chores?

As for the OP paying for childcare and if DH wants the same he can pay for it - it seems that he is paying for all of the other bills so maybe the OP could pay her share of the other bills and the DH can pay for childcare? Or, rather than claiming that the OP "pays for childcare" you could acknowledge that they are both paying bills and this is how they've decided to split outgoings? Plus, where can you find weekend childcare?

The OP needs to ask this 'man' how 50-50 custody sounds to him, and how eow arrangement/every Wednesday plus child support sounds.

So how will she be able to do her job then if she doesn't have childcare for her unsociable shifts? And if he has 50/50 custody he won't have to pay child support will he? I think that's a dangerous game to be playing tbh - the DH would get "time off" if they split, even if he had 50/50 custody wouldn't he? But how would splitting benefit the OP?

You speak of the OP's job as if she does it for fun.

'She made her bed, now she must lie in it' seems to be your approach here.

The H helped create this baby, and he knew what his wife's occupation involved at the time. He is in a parenting partnership, and so is she. She gets to feel the benefit of that partnership surely? The parenting partnership involves both time and money obligations on the part of both parents. He apparently rejects that concept.

she needs him to be able to drop everything to look after their dd any evening or weekend she’s called in with little to no notice.
No, he needs to not have entertainment or activities for himself lined up to do on weekends when he has a baby aged 1 and he knows what his wife's job entails, and even if she isn't called to work he needs to forget about the stuff he used to do before the baby came along, because the parenting partnership is extremely important.

She can't give up the job as she says in her OP they couldn't afford that. Presumably she pays more than just the childcare bill then. If she was just paying for childcare she could dump the job and stay at home and they wouldn't be any worse off. Maybe she pays for food? Like your H, she is not going to work for fun.

Her H won't support her doing the course that might lead to better hours and better pay. So he is cutting off his nose to spite his face here, by putting her in an impossible position. He is stupid on top of self absorbed and immature.

You obviously seem to think it's ok for him to create a crisis where the vast majority of women, and men too, would simply roll up their sleeves and take care of their own flesh and blood without making the mother feel guilty for her job, and maybe make a nice cup of tea for their wives when they came home from a 12 hour shift only to face into a baby care shift that involves breastfeeding as well as all the baby care that was too much for poor diddums.

Can he take DD over to some relatives who can help him entertain her?

I don't think the OP is going to work for fun but I do think she has the better deal here.

As for DH knowing what her job entails - well not really. The OP said that she intended to work only certain shifts - that hasn't happened, so what the DH thought was the plan isn't happening.

And yes, I agree, they should both feel the benefit of being in a partnership. I can see the benefits to the OP. What are the benefits for her husband?

So how will she be able to do her job then if she doesn't have childcare for her unsociable shifts? And if he has 50/50 custody he won't have to pay child support will he?

Correct, he won't have to pay child support, but talking to him about spending every other weekend, guaranteed, with the baby, plus overnight on Wednesdays, or half of each week, 52 weeks per year might focus his mind pretty fast on how he might be faced with a situation he could not only do nothing about, but worse, there would be no tired wife to yell at for having the cheek to expect his lifestyle to change once he becomes a parent.

He would have to take care of his own child all on his own, with no audience to clap and cheer, putting in all the lonely, thankless hours that so many millions of men and women put in and put up with because they are grown ups. It might just make a man of him.

If I were her I would insist on EOW and have him pay child support so that I could get a job with better hours and fewer drunk yobs to deal with all weekend.

Namenic
Can he take DD over to some relatives who can help him entertain her?

Let's be honest, you are thinking that he can foist the baby on his mum or his gran or his sister or SIL, aren't you?

Because looking after your own baby is too much to ask of a father. He might have lots of more important things planned.

Plus, where can you find weekend childcare?

What a silly question. That's what your female relatives are for.

Or your wife could if only she would be reasonable and look for a weekday job without weekend shifts.

Correct, he won't have to pay child support, but talking to him about spending every other weekend, guaranteed, with the baby, plus overnight on Wednesdays, or half of each week, 52 weeks per year might focus his mind pretty fast on how he might be faced with a situation he could not only do nothing about, but worse, there would be no tired wife to yell at for having the cheek to expect his lifestyle to change once he becomes a parent.

But he would be better off in this situation - 50% of the time he would have no childcare to worry about. Every other weekend would be his to do whatever he wanted to do. So this arrangement benefits him far more than it does the OP.

I wouldn't be quick to threaten this if I were the OP.

I would have every sympathy for the OP were it not for the 2 days of childcare that she has during the week. What's the point in paying for that if it isn't used for going to work? If OP was either working or looking after the child 7 days a week then yes, her husband should suck up doing the same, even though that's tough going, but as it stands the DH is getting the rough end of the deal here.

What's would happen if he chose to have the same arrangement, so changed his working week to have say 2 days off during the week for which they had to pay for childcare or decided to also work weekends and take Monday and Friday off so that he could benefit from the childcare? Or even drop a day so that he has an extra day off and again benefits from the childcare?

All that's going to happen here is that both parents become entrenched in defending their positions when what needs to happen is that they come together to find a solution that benefits both of them. I used to work in the NHS and did bank work - I chose shifts that suited me. Does the ambulance service not have this? Surely there are other shifts available rather than just nights and weekends?

Well I worked full time as a single parent from when my son was 6 weeks old.
I was a nurse and did long shifts and nights with nobody to help me at all, no relatives around and no husband.
i was pretty knackered as my job was very stressful and it was really hard to find childcare for my shifts but we managed.
But my point is I loved spending my two days off with my baby, I looked forward to it and cherished out precious time together.
I'm have done almost anything to have been able to spend more time with him.
We had so much fun going out, visiting places, hanging out in the garden together.
I feel so sad that this "father" doesn't want to spend time with his child. He is incredibly selfish, clearly doesn't want a child and how does he think he is going to form a relationship with his daughter when she grows up.
I'd have killed rather than give up my 2 full days with my child.The thought of packing him off to a childminder on my days off would have been intolerable.I loved him and wanted to be with him as much as possible.
There is something wrong with your husband. Don't have any more children with him. My brother in law thinks nothing of caring for his two over the weekend when my sister is away - he loves them, he is their dad.

The OP has actually already mentioned she suggested him getting a break by going to his sister! I hope sister was consulted first as, regardless of the rights and wrongs of the situation between the parents, she shouldnt just be lumbered.

He is in a mood, give him some time to work it out. Look at child minding and maybe you both contributing so you have an equal amount of disposable income left after all your outgoings. Do you have any family nearby that could help out for a few hours at the weekend?

I work a Saturday and my dh has our two kids for the morning. They have gotten into their own routine as will your dh.

His whole attitide to your role is nasty, selfish, belittling and sexist. What a prick.

My kids dad was the same. Sat around all day while I paid for child care and worked myself into a breakdown. Leave his sorry arse.
Life is so much better as a single parent

I'd have killed rather than give up my 2 full days with my child.The thought of packing him off to a childminder on my days off would have been intolerable.I loved him and wanted to be with him as much as possible.

But the OP is sending her child to the childminder 2 days a week when she isn't working so why are you only directing your criticism at the husband?

But the OP is sending her child to the childminder 2 days a week when she isn't working

1. at no point has the OP said she does this
2. if the CM day falls immediately after a night shift, then why shouldn't she? She actually needs to get some sleep at some point.

Your DH reminds me of my BIL. He has never looked after his own children without dropping in on his mum, me, or one of his pals so he can chillax while his hosts look after the dcs. It’s ridiculous. His relaxing is prioritised above all else. SIL lasted about 9 months after mat leave before quitting to placate him and is now “trapped” ( her words)

From the outside looking in this is my two pence

I don’t think you will LTB (yet) so take that off the table.

You shifts are not “flexible”. Weekday day shifts are not realistic. Maybe think what is the least worst option and try to negotiate fixed hours. Would permanent nights suit in the short term? Thursday and Friday night would allow you to be home for a big chunk of the weekend and use the childminder on Fridays to sleep. If you hate that idea then think about what would be better. Maybe 2 weekday day shifts but agree to do a certain number of weekend and night shifts per month. My management is really good with things like that but maybe yours aren’t. Get support from HR and your union.

Do not give up on your course. It will be worth it in the long term.

It’s up to you how you sort your money but the split you have sends a clear message that baby stuff is on you and you make no financial contribution to the mortgage or rent. It puts you in a vulnerable position in a relationship that is far from solid. A joint account for bills that you both contribute to in a fair way would be better. If you split up he will say that you haven’t paid towards anything and pissed your money up the wall on a childminder you didn’t need because he was killing himself looking after your baby while you did your 2 days at your hobbyjob. You think he won’t because you think he’s not like the other newly single men. Everyone thinks that.

Don’t have another baby with this man.

He needs to look after the bay when you are at work and he isn’t. That is a no brainer.

1) at no point has the OP said she does this
2) if the CM day falls immediately after a night shift, then why shouldn't she? She actually needs to get some sleep at some point.

1. she said that it's booked for 2 days a week and despite being asked about it hasn't said that she doesn't use it, so I'm assuming that she does use it.

2. if that's what she uses it for then fair enough but does she? If she only works 2 days a week and both of those are the day before the childminder then she isn't working both days over the weekend, which is what DH is unhappy about.

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP, it’s not on. Your career is just as important as your DH and you should get yourself onto that training course and make sure you progress.

DH needs to step up. He’s not helping by looking after his own daughter FFS, It’s a joint responsibility. He needs to finds ways of coping but don’t put your own career behind his inadequacies. He’ll get the hang of it with practice. Be strong OP.

I don’t think it’s fair for one parent (who works all week) to be stuck providing childcare alone all weekend. I would say that whether it was you OP or DH.

I appreciate that ‘some’ single parents have no other choice but many single parents I know do alternate weekends so get every other weekend ‘off’.

It worries me that you say this is ‘the most flexible contract they offer’ yet it’s so changeable and has you being forced into sudden 2am finishes. That’s not appropriate when you have a young child. I’m sorry but what would you do if you were a single parent? How many child care options cover 2am finishes?

Personally I would be having a very serious conversation with your manager and explaining that whilst this contract might be ‘flexible’ it only works if you have consistency meaning you can’t be ‘bumped off’ shifts you’ve booked or forced to work until 2am at relatively short notice.

And if ‘that’s not how this job works’ then I’m sorry but you and DH need to re think your jobs as they’re not working with family life. Perhaps DH drops to 4 days a week so he gets a day off, or you look at changing careers.

I’m alwats surprised how many new parents seem to make very precarious childcare plans (like a wobbly Kenya tower) and then are ‘surprised’ when it doesn’t work. It sounds like DH was not expecting to be left weekends alone with Dd so I’m assuming that something in the ‘post ML’ plan has gone wrong!

🤔 I’m a woman who would be pretty cheesed off if left alone with DC every weekend (after working all week) so I find it hard to condemn your DH for feeling the same 😂

*jenga

But he would be better off in this situation - 50% of the time he would have no childcare to worry about. Every other weekend would be his to do whatever he wanted to do. So this arrangement benefits him far more than it does the OP

He can't manage one single weekend without ranting about how unfair it is that he has to actually be a father. You are saying he would be better off having to do 3.5 days every week. Some of those days he would obviously be paying for childcare.

Same goes with the EOW. I suspect he would tremble in horror at the thought. He has clearly never had to lift a finger for baby care all through the maternity leave period. It is very obvious that it has just dawned on him that taking care of a 1 year old leaves you with no headspace and no time to even pick your nose.

And he is stupid enough to, in effect, keep his wife from doing the course that would enable her to get a job with better hours and potentially better pay.

And he is stupid enough to, in effect, keep his wife from doing the course that would enable her to get a job with better hours and potentially better pay.

Or he is sneaky enough...

Is OP getting 2 child free days every week? I understood she has the childminder booked for the days she should normally be working, but sometimes her shifts are cancelled.