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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn’t want to care for DD when I’m at work anymore

329 replies

PoppySeedBun18 · 01/07/2019 11:24

So, here goes:

I came off maternity leave about a month ago. The plan was for DD to have a childminder on Monday and Friday when I’m at work. This would be paid out of my part time wages. Well, a month in and it’s all going to pot already!

I work on ambulances so my shifts are long and I have to do at least one night shift a week. I book my own shifts but often get kicked off them meaning I have to make up the hours on a weekend day/night. I cam back yesterday having done a 12 hour day shift (and a 12 hour night shift on Friday) for DH to start ranting that looking after 1yo Dd is too hard and he can’t cope. His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

Now I’m in a predicament. I have to work next Friday and Saturday night (was supposed to be working on Monday but lost that shift) and am working tonight too, and won’t be home till 3am (again I was supposed to finish at 11pm but got moved so now am finishing at 2am). What am I supposed to do? I’ve only been a month on this contract and it’s the most flexible one they offer. I can’t give up work as we can’t afford it and we have no family who can help.

He’s basically left me with this dilemma which I have to figure out. We were planning to have a second child which he’s now refusing (he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’).

So I now feel guilty as shit as well as chronically sleep deprived. What can I do???

OP posts:
RickAstleyGaveMeUp · 01/07/2019 11:25

Do what he would do. Go to work and leave him with his child.

He's a shit.

LannieDuck · 01/07/2019 11:25

What's his solution?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/07/2019 11:27
  1. Why are you paying for childcare by yourself? This should come out of joint, family money.
  1. Sorry but DH needs to step up and learn how to parent HIS OWN CHILD. Remind him that you did it full time while on maternity leave.

He’s basically left me with this dilemma which I have to figure out Why is it up to you to figure it out? You're supposed to be a team.

GabriellaMontez · 01/07/2019 11:27

Is he normally wonderful and a great husband?

celtiethree · 01/07/2019 11:28

This isn’t just your solution to solve, sorry but your ‘D’H is an arse. Plus the childminding costs should be shared they are definitely a joint cost. Tell him tough he needs to look after his child.

Finfintytint · 01/07/2019 11:28

He needs to suck it up and get on with parenting. Plenty of people work full time and still look after children.

Divgirl2 · 01/07/2019 11:28

You're making preparations to leave this man I assume? Because that's what you should be doing.

Is there any family near by you could live with? And any who could - short term - provide night time childcare, at least while you try and sort something out.

BarbarianMum · 01/07/2019 11:28

So he was ok with having a child as ling as someone else did the work? Or was he perhaps under the impression that looking after small children and babies was easy.

Don't get me wrong, age 1 is hard but it does/will get easier.

I would ignore the outburst and let him get on with it. Or with finding an alternative solution. This is not your problem to solve.

Stompythedinosaur · 01/07/2019 11:29

Firstly, I'm so sorry he is putting you in this situation. It is absolutely unfair and he is a total shit for doing it.

I think I'd approach it by asking what other options he can see. You can't afford not to work. What does he think other families with dc do at the weekends if he doesn't think it is normal to provide care?

As long as you believe he will look after your little one I would be going to work. How is his bond with her?

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 01/07/2019 11:29

Why would you want to have a second child with him now??

lunar1 · 01/07/2019 11:29

Tell him to suck it up and let him know how much the cost of the existing child care costs he needs to give you to cover his half. What an asshole!

BarbarianMum · 01/07/2019 11:30

And yes, why are you paying for childcare. This is a shared cost.

Do not let this man force you into being SAHM. That's only a safe option with a husband that sees you as an equal team and children as a shared responsibility.

Thistles24 · 01/07/2019 11:31

Something obviously has to change- and I hope it’s your “D”H!! Are you NHS employed? If you are, under their Family Friendly policy I’d request more predictable shift patterns (fixed ones of possible) so you know the childcare will be covered. But your DH needs to get on board with supporting you! Returning to work after maternity leave is stressful enough.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 01/07/2019 11:31

He's a father. It's not opt-out, it's a permanent fixture. He needs to learn to parent and you need to stand firm and do the shifts you're booked to do. What happens through the week when he's at work; do you phone him and announce you can't cope with your child or do you just get on with the role of parent? Unless it's the first option you need to tell him to pipe down.

Honestly, if the worst thing in his life is looking after one child for a few hours at the weekend, and not even someone else's child but his own, he has zero cause for complaint. Don't entertain his bullshit.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 01/07/2019 11:31

Being a parent involves parenting when you're not at work shocker!

I doubt there will be any reasoning with him because this thinking is basically rooted in misogyny (Important Men need to rest after their workweek, but wimminz have nothing better to do than menial tasks like childcare). Tell him sharply to get a grip and step up and parent his own child like you and millions of others do.

Does he have form for being a sexist arse? Did he do any parenting of your daughter while you were on ML?

BarbaraofSevillle · 01/07/2019 11:32

Did it not occur to him that having a child would mean that he would have to look after it sometimes?

He's going to have to because good luck with finding childcare that fits in with your shift patterns (Friday night and Sunday?).

KurriKurri · 01/07/2019 11:32

I also wondered why it is just you paying for a childminder.
he sounds pathetic, if he can't cope he needs to pay for child care at the weekends or whenever you are working or sleeping after a long shift.

Spanglyprincess1 · 01/07/2019 11:32

Err I work. Full time Mon to Friday and have ds almost every single weekend as dp works weekends. That's life an dyour oh should suck it up.
Plus at 1 they are hard work but fun.
I assume. You do it eg work all weekend and have your child in the weeks. What's the difference!

chocpop · 01/07/2019 11:34

He needs to accept life is not how it was before. He either needs to find new work to allow you to quit and look after your child full time (only if you were okay with this of course), or suck it up and look after her. Remind him that he is a parent too and that he needs to do his part. He can relax after 7/8pm when your child is in bed.

Original poster
PoppySeedBun18 · 01/07/2019 11:34

For clarification, the reason I pay all the childcare is that DH pays all the other bills, so it works out more equal. I was hoping to do a training course next year which would increase my wages, but that’s gone out of the window now.

Don’t get me wrong, he loves Dd and Dd loves him, but it’s been an exhausting and extremely hot weekend and it’s all got a bit too much. I just text him saying what he thought I should do, and he just replied ‘nothing’.

OP posts:
BarryBarryTaylor · 01/07/2019 11:38

He is in a mood and he has to sort him self out.

Sounds like he had a right shock actually parenting at the weekend. Time he gets used to it!

Butterymuffin · 01/07/2019 11:38

There are plenty of things I don't want to do after a week's work, but I have to do them anyway because that's being a parent and an adult. Tough shit.

That said, what is this where you're being 'kicked off shifts'? How is that happening and can you challenge it because that doesn't sound fair.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/07/2019 11:38

He needs to suck it up and be a parent. You work after looking after your child on your own. Relaxing weekends start again when they are teen and don't want to go out with you. None of this is kept hidden unless he bases his parenting on Eastenders where children magically disappear when not needed for a scene.

WhiteVixen · 01/07/2019 11:39

I’d be telling him ‘welcome to parenthood’. It sucks at times and is relentless, doesn’t mean he gets to check out.

endofthelinefinally · 01/07/2019 11:39

Gosh. He has experienced the reality of being a parent who also has a job. Welcome to our world.