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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn’t want to care for DD when I’m at work anymore

329 replies

PoppySeedBun18 · 01/07/2019 11:24

So, here goes:

I came off maternity leave about a month ago. The plan was for DD to have a childminder on Monday and Friday when I’m at work. This would be paid out of my part time wages. Well, a month in and it’s all going to pot already!

I work on ambulances so my shifts are long and I have to do at least one night shift a week. I book my own shifts but often get kicked off them meaning I have to make up the hours on a weekend day/night. I cam back yesterday having done a 12 hour day shift (and a 12 hour night shift on Friday) for DH to start ranting that looking after 1yo Dd is too hard and he can’t cope. His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

Now I’m in a predicament. I have to work next Friday and Saturday night (was supposed to be working on Monday but lost that shift) and am working tonight too, and won’t be home till 3am (again I was supposed to finish at 11pm but got moved so now am finishing at 2am). What am I supposed to do? I’ve only been a month on this contract and it’s the most flexible one they offer. I can’t give up work as we can’t afford it and we have no family who can help.

He’s basically left me with this dilemma which I have to figure out. We were planning to have a second child which he’s now refusing (he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’).

So I now feel guilty as shit as well as chronically sleep deprived. What can I do???

OP posts:
AriadneesWeb · 01/07/2019 11:56

So is he expecting to get both Saturday and Sunday to relax? Great - which two days do you get to relax?

diddl · 01/07/2019 11:57

So when he said that you should do nothing, does that mean to leave things as they are, give up work or he will sort something out?

Why do you get kicked off shifts & then have to make them up at an inconvenient time?

Quartz2208 · 01/07/2019 11:57

Yeah it was a tough weekend with children with the heat

Say to him you understand that it was hard and that his rant is understandable but its parenting and it is what it is. Its not going to change and you both have to be in it together. There is no dilemma for you

But the second child and refusing to have sex with you is not on

InezInez · 01/07/2019 11:58

He needs to grow the f*ck up!! What a cry baby.

Yabbers · 01/07/2019 11:58

I’ve only been a month on this contract and it’s the most flexible one they offer

Is it, though? You book shifts and get kicked off them. Doesn’t sound flexible to me. Who is kicking you off shifts?

Of course your husband has to be a parent, but I would also be asking the question as to why this is happening at work.

thedevilcamefromthehimber · 01/07/2019 11:59

Is this man delusional, he doesn't get to opt out of being a parent because he finds its hard ffs. You look after your child more days than him and don't see you moaning. Plus if your working nights your child will be asleep when "dad" is watching them!

TheABC · 01/07/2019 11:59

It sounds like a rant, to me.

On the basis this is a one-off, talk to him and jointly decide a game-plan that works for your family. You both need downtime, so if you are working at weekends, make sure that includes you, during the week! Will your shifts settle down or are you likely to see them change like this regularly?

AnotherEmma · 01/07/2019 11:59

"I was hoping to do a training course next year which would increase my wages, but that’s gone out of the window now."

Do not cancel your plans to do the training course! Stick to your guns. Find childcare so you can do it. Your job, earning power and financial independent are important. Especially if you're married to a lazy arse like your husband.

Vivavivienne · 01/07/2019 11:59

In most parts of the country it’s been a scorching weekend.

You sure he isn’t just tired, stressed and frustrated because your shifts are not what either of you planned? It’s not your fault, but it is annoying I’m sure.

Let’s not write the bloke off if this is uncharacteristic and could just be venting.

HollowTalk · 01/07/2019 12:00

But does that mean you have different amounts of spending money?

Who does he think should look after the baby? And if you're working nights, presumably he has to look after your daughter in the day time - is this what he resents? Yet he expects you to look after her when he's at work? My mind is boggled!

GabsAlot · 01/07/2019 12:00

If you knew he was lazy then you should have expexcted this tbf-But he also shouldnt have agreed to have children-its not womans work anymore

Ravingstarfish · 01/07/2019 12:00

He is her parent, he doesn’t get to have time off.
Tell him to grow up and accept his responsibilities.

Hithere12 · 01/07/2019 12:01

Could she be put in childcare whilst he’s at work? (Out of his own pocket). Tbh I wouldn’t trust him to look after her alone. As you only work part time it’s not like she’s in full time childcare so it wouldn’t be so bad?

Gintonic · 01/07/2019 12:04

Hopefully just a rant, perhaps it would help him to have a schedule of activities, eg go to the swimming pool, go to a baby group, so that he gets out the house and the day has some structure.

IME this is the difference between male parents and female parents. Male parents see parenting as a choice that they can do more or less of and so when they struggle they palm it off on a partner instead of learning to cope. Female parents generally don't have this choice, so they find coping strategies and just get on with it.

MummytoCSJH · 01/07/2019 12:04

Haven't RTFT but why on earth is it only you paying for childcare out of your pt wages?

MeganRapinoe · 01/07/2019 12:04

Your job doesn't sound compatible with being a parent and having a good relationship. Its unpredictable hours will put a strain on you both. I'd look for another job in your circumstances.

And ignore the foul mouthed frothers on this thread.

MeganRapinoe · 01/07/2019 12:05

Haven't RTFT but why on earth is it only you paying for childcare out of your pt wages?

RTFT

jennymanara · 01/07/2019 12:05

I am shocked that so many are defending this man who had to look after his DD for a weekend when OP does the vast majority of the childcare and works as well.

Bloodybackpain · 01/07/2019 12:06

1 year olds are hard work but he needs to suck it up. My husband is police, very often I’m looking after the kids solo at the weekend when he’s working after I’ve had a busy week at work myself.
Maybe if he signed your dd up for some sort of class on Saturdays that might help ie break up the day

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 01/07/2019 12:06

He cant love her that much if he cant be arsed to be her parent.

Oh come on Hmm. If I'm being completely honest I would find it difficult and stressful working FT during the week and then taking care of the DC singlehandedly all weekend. Does that mean I don't love my DC or that I "can't be arsed to parent them"?

I agree that OP's DH can't be handling the situation well if she's been left feeling that this is her problem to solve and hers alone. They both need to do some sensible thinking about their current work and childcare arrangements. But I think that all the posters jumping on her DH, calling him a "cunt" and telling her to leave him because he doesn't want to work all week and look after the DC alone all weekend are being harsh. I wouldn't want do that either unless I had absolutely no choice in the matter.

If a woman posted here saying "I work FT and my DH works shifts so I'm often on my own with DC all weekend and the unpredictability of his job means that what we initially agreed re Childcare isn't actually happening and I never know when he's going to be working" people would be pretty sympathetic on the whole.

jennymanara · 01/07/2019 12:07

And your job is perfectly compatible with being a parent if you have a decent DH. You are doing further training next year, so presumably that means doing cover work is not your long term plan.
In plenty of careers you have to do the worst shifts until you get more experienced and move up into better shift patterns, that is not uncommon.

GU24Mum · 01/07/2019 12:07

TBH, the work situation sounds anything but flexible! Do you mean that you've committed to paying a childminder 2 days a week but might end up working completely different days? What happens if you don't end up working on a childminder day? Does the day get "wasted" or do you put DD in and do household stuff?

Obviously it's not just your problem and obviously your OH needs to be a parent.............. but your working arrangement seems very hard on all of you.

MummytoCSJH · 01/07/2019 12:08

Thanks Megan, specifically stated 'haven't RTFT yet' to avoid having arseholes tell me to RTFT Hmm

I've read it now as I wanted to make sure I had all info before making a proper comment.

You shouldn't be paying all childcare costs whether it makes it fair or not. And he can't just decide not to care for his own child. That's called being a parent. Don't leave your job. He'll have to suck it up or pay for some extra childcare out of his spare money 🤷‍♀️

Hithere12 · 01/07/2019 12:09

I am shocked that so many are defending this man who had to look after his DD for a weekend when OP does the vast majority of the childcare and works as well

Tbh I wouldn’t want to live like that either. Most parents share the childcare at the weekends. It’d be better for both of them if they worked similar hours and put her in childcare then had weekends together.

Justaboy · 01/07/2019 12:09

The NHS in a way isnt the most parent friendly outfit to work for one of our young rellies is in that firm and suffers from odd shifts and very long ones to boot;(

Yes its bloody hard work looking after yound ones, bin ther dun that in my time as a single dad!

Talk to the old man and tell him what you have to do over the next week or so, then have another talk re things longer term;!