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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn’t want to care for DD when I’m at work anymore

329 replies

PoppySeedBun18 · 01/07/2019 11:24

So, here goes:

I came off maternity leave about a month ago. The plan was for DD to have a childminder on Monday and Friday when I’m at work. This would be paid out of my part time wages. Well, a month in and it’s all going to pot already!

I work on ambulances so my shifts are long and I have to do at least one night shift a week. I book my own shifts but often get kicked off them meaning I have to make up the hours on a weekend day/night. I cam back yesterday having done a 12 hour day shift (and a 12 hour night shift on Friday) for DH to start ranting that looking after 1yo Dd is too hard and he can’t cope. His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

Now I’m in a predicament. I have to work next Friday and Saturday night (was supposed to be working on Monday but lost that shift) and am working tonight too, and won’t be home till 3am (again I was supposed to finish at 11pm but got moved so now am finishing at 2am). What am I supposed to do? I’ve only been a month on this contract and it’s the most flexible one they offer. I can’t give up work as we can’t afford it and we have no family who can help.

He’s basically left me with this dilemma which I have to figure out. We were planning to have a second child which he’s now refusing (he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’).

So I now feel guilty as shit as well as chronically sleep deprived. What can I do???

OP posts:
diddl · 01/07/2019 12:09

So were you hoping to work Mon & Fri days & have a childminder for that & one night which your husband would cover?

But you're doing mostly weekend work which he's covering?

Would regular hours work out better?

jennymanara · 01/07/2019 12:09

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery Really?? You would find it hard to work in the week with OP doing the childcare in the evenings and night, and then have to look after 1 child for the weekend?
I mean looking after 1 year olds is not always easy, but I don't think this is a big deal, and it is what lots of people already do, plus looking after their kid on weekday evenings as well.

Marvinmarvinson · 01/07/2019 12:09

OK, first of all don't feel guilty. You're trying your best to fit in work around a family. Both of you constantly working or on solo child care duty is hard though. It means no time as a family. Will this training mean this shift pattern is temporary? Can you put a limit on it?

I'm working shifts now that involve working weekends and it's grim for me and my husband. I have a lot more flexibility than you though. However, I have agreed with my husband a time limit on this as we both are keen to get family weekends back.

LillithsFamiliar · 01/07/2019 12:10

Take his latest answer at face value. You don't have to do anything. He has to step up. If you want relaxing weekends, you don't have DCs. It's too late to decide he can't cope and as for sleeping in another room and with-holding sex to 'punish' you because he had to watch his DC. Tell him how unattractive that is.

Travis1 · 01/07/2019 12:10

Don't pander to him. Tell him tough shit. He's a parent, he is also responsible for his daughter. He does not get to opt out of parenting and put that on you. Personally with his attitude I'd be having serious words.

jennymanara · 01/07/2019 12:10

@diddl read the thread

Tensixtysix · 01/07/2019 12:10

Your job sounds like a nightmare. You'd be better off doing something else. No wonder no one (British) wants to work for the NHS!
You have to be an immigrant with no family ties, no life and live in a cupboard!

LemonTT · 01/07/2019 12:10

Lots of issues with this man as a parent.

I would start with the money. The very essence of the split, you pay for childcare and he pays for everything else defines his role in this family and yours.

Childcare is a joint parental responsibility and you both need to organise and pay for it equally or in proportion to your income. The arrangements should allow you both some free time. His laziness is something he needs to overcome in order to make an equal contribution and meet his responsibility as a parent. Other bills can be split equally or in proportion.

I am not sure relief work fits in with you life at the moment. It is not flexible it is ad hoc which means you never know how to plan as a family. I would revert to a fixed Monday to Friday pattern. Maybe try to find a job as a community paramedic.

I can’t stress again how much this way of dealing with money, woman pays for childcare, is wrong. Just stop it, it cannot have been that way before you had a kid.

MirriVan · 01/07/2019 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 01/07/2019 12:10

The nothing reply just sounds like he knows he's being unreasonable, but was just sounding off.

I used to feel the same when the kids were out of school if dh had to work at the weekend. It was relentless.

Tensixtysix · 01/07/2019 12:11

And you DH is a lazy sod. He's a parent, he'll have to sacrifice his weekends for a few years...

jennymanara · 01/07/2019 12:11

I worked every single Sunday for about 6 years. No it is not ideal, but the idea that everyone can work family friendly hours is pie in the sky.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 01/07/2019 12:12

But the second child and refusing to have sex with you is not on

Are you serious? It's "not on" for someone to change their mind about having a baby? It's "not on" to refuse to have sex?? MN is like a bloody parallel universe sometimes.

NatureWillDeleteTheEvidence · 01/07/2019 12:12

He is a DICK. Wow. What would he dp if god forbid you died? Put the kid up for adoption? Omg.

diddl · 01/07/2019 12:13

"@diddl read the thread"

I have!

HoppingPavlova · 01/07/2019 12:13

Now I’m in a predicament.

You are indeed. You are married to a dickhead who can’t manage to parent his child for what is really a minimal amount of time.

I worked shift work, often long shifts until my kids were roughly mid-primary school age. That included weekends. DH worked as well. The general pattern was that he did overnight (5 nights) and mornings and the weekend. I did days in general (no sleep after night shift....) and he took over when he got home with meal/bed so I could grab a few hours except for the 2 days a week mid-week that I had off work. I then did full day and overnight stuff. Between us we managed the care of the kids until they were older (3yo) and started preschool a few days a week increasing days as they got older as a transition to school. No family around to help.

We live in a hot climate. Summers are often over 35 degrees. We actually found kids get more wiped out by the heat but also ratty I guess when cooped up as too hot to go outside and run/play. That’s life though. While my DH has many faults, being a useless dickhead who found it too hard to equally parent his kids was not one of them. You have a huge DH problem.

MrsMiggins37 · 01/07/2019 12:14

His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

What a fucking baby. Guess what I started having to do this 13 years ago as I worked in the week and my husband works weekends and my two kids and I are both still alive!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/07/2019 12:14

I wouldnt even bother trying to find another solution, this is what it is- he's going to have to man up and either get a job that pays enough for you to be a SAHM or he has to parent!!!!

Aprillygirl · 01/07/2019 12:16

Why are you planning another child so soon after the first when life is so difficult already. OP? I would definitely put that idea on hold until you've got a reasonable (to the both of you) childcare routine established at least, otherwise the strain on your relationship could quite easily break it.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 01/07/2019 12:17

If he can't manage to look after his only child (how fucking pathetic), then he needs to get a much better paid job so he can pay for someone else to look after his daugher at the weekend while he has the vapours and collapses onto the nearest chaise lounge because is is so dweadfully tired.

As you have said he is lazy, chances are he is not going to be a high earner so he will have to learn to suck it up and be a father.

Don't give up your training course, you will probably need to earn a decent salary because you might well end kicking him out when you have had your fill of his lazy and selfish attitude.

Oh BTW, if he really thinks looking after his own child at the weekend will kill him, increase the premiums on his life insurance and keep your fingers crossed. Wink

adaline · 01/07/2019 12:17

It sounds to me like he's pissed off because he agreed to something and it's not happening - that's perfectly understandable and doesn't make him an arse or a shit parent to say so Hmm

It's been a hot weekend and I can totally get him being frustrated that yet again you're at work and he doesn't get a break to himself. You work long shifts which means he has to get up early (as you're not home) and do all day plus bedtime as you're still not home to take over - yes you're at work which is good but it doesn't make it any less frustrating and tiring for him.

Working nights won't help either as presumably you're then asleep most of the day as well. Of course it's not your fault but I can see his side. I doubt all these people telling him to "man up" would really be very impressed if it was their partners' shifts that were all over the place so plans were constantly cancelled as things were so up in the air all the time.

londonrach · 01/07/2019 12:18

I dont get mn on childcare costs. I pay for dd childcare as my money is extra. Dh mone pays the bills. Anyway back to op...i wouldnt have a second child with him. The ages between One to three is the hardest. The baby stage apart from the sleep is the easiest. He is a dad. What would he do if he was on his own with her. He needs to grow up. Tbh he should be Sharing the care of dd during the weekend to give you a rest. You need to sit down and talk to him a out this. If he cant do the care whats the solution. Good luck x

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 01/07/2019 12:19

Does your child go to the childminder the two days a week as planned?
I'm on mat leave and have a crawling six month old, this weekend was hot and tiring. He shouldn't have lost his rag but you need to sit down and work out what the plan is, this isn't what you agreed on. It might be that he reduces a day per week at work or you look for alternative work out you both look for unsocial childcare for at least one day, given you aren't using the childminder shifts you anticipated

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 01/07/2019 12:19

Jenny I must have missed the part about OP's DH not doing any childcare in the evenings or at night so that does make a difference but yes, if I'm being completely honest I wouldn't want to work FT and then be alone with DC all weekend while DH worked as I enjoy our weekends together as a family. I would find it particularly frustrating if DH, like the OP, never knew what hours or days he would actually be working so we couldn't plan anything. I suppose that makes me a "lazy cunt" and a "bastard" and means I don't love my DC according to this thread but it's just not a way I'd like to live. I appreciate that plenty of people do it but it wouldn't be my choice. The difference is I would never make my DH feel guilty or let him think that it was entirely his problem. It's something we would look into solving together.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 01/07/2019 12:20

He's a dickhead. You don't get time off parenting. When you're not working you're looking after your own children!

That's exactly what parenting is!

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