DH doesn’t want to care for DD when I’m at work anymore

[PoppySeedBun18]

So, here goes:

I came off maternity leave about a month ago. The plan was for DD to have a childminder on Monday and Friday when I’m at work. This would be paid out of my part time wages. Well, a month in and it’s all going to pot already!

I work on ambulances so my shifts are long and I have to do at least one night shift a week. I book my own shifts but often get kicked off them meaning I have to make up the hours on a weekend day/night. I cam back yesterday having done a 12 hour day shift (and a 12 hour night shift on Friday) for DH to start ranting that looking after 1yo Dd is too hard and he can’t cope. His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

Now I’m in a predicament. I have to work next Friday and Saturday night (was supposed to be working on Monday but lost that shift) and am working tonight too, and won’t be home till 3am (again I was supposed to finish at 11pm but got moved so now am finishing at 2am). What am I supposed to do? I’ve only been a month on this contract and it’s the most flexible one they offer. I can’t give up work as we can’t afford it and we have no family who can help.

He’s basically left me with this dilemma which I have to figure out. We were planning to have a second child which he’s now refusing (he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’).

So I now feel guilty as shit as well as chronically sleep deprived. What can I do???

@londonrach basically, DH should pay all the bills plus childcare plus pay for all date nights. He should do half of the cooking and cleaning and also get up to do the night feeds (even if DC is breast fed he should support his wife).

He should never complain, or want to spend time doing his hobby (and he definitely should not cycle!).
He should always do the dishes and take out the bins.

He should definitely NOT have any say over his wife's appearance, friends, what she's done with her day at home while he's at work, family.
If wife rants me must not have his own opinions.

I think that pretty much covers it, right Mumsnet?

I’m sorry that he’s behaving like such a twat, it’s nit what you need

What do you think he meant by his reply to your text? ‘M(‘nothing’

You’d be MAD to give up your job OR the training next year you need to prioritise your career so that you have one! You might find yourself a single parent at some stage and you need to be eating as well as you calm

I hope your current financial arrangements aren’t leaving you with a lot less disposable income than him OR disadvantaged by it looking like only he pays for certain things such as rent/mortgage - you should be shown as paying those equally

You need to have a proper discussion with him
About finances and him looking after DD while you work. It’s simply not an option for him to say ‘not doing it’ she’s his daughter he HAS to or he has to explain why he doesn’t need to parent his child and how he expects you to bring in a wage if he’s nit prepared to look after his child

Dud he not consider that babies/toddlers can be relentless for a few years?!

However, thus past weekend was unbearably hot for many & I expect there were similar ties up & down the country with people on their last nerve As much as I’d love another baby and love kids I was rather pleased not to have a demanding baby to deal with this weekend, it was hard enough coping with myself & older ones!

☕️🎂& thank you for the job you do 🌷

Sounds like he's probably just a bit overwhelmed, so maybe he doesn't mean it

He sounds like someone who had a child without really knowing much about what it involves, and who is fundamentally unsuited to it. Sadly, it's far too common

Yeah, so many people who’ve never so much as babysat decide to have a kid having no idea of the realities of it and just do it because everyone else is doing it.

To move on to that other OP comment which caught my attention :

We were planning to have a second child which he’s now refusing (he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’).

Don't plan a second one when he can't cope with the first! He needs to get a grip. The not sleeping with you is another can of worms. Does he not trust the contraception or you?

I wish I didn’t have to do weekend shifts, but that’s when the shifts are, so I have little choice. If I went with fixed hours I would still have to do 60% unsocial hours and it would have to fit the service needs. I can’t choose to only do weekday shifts, it would never be agreed to. At least I can try and pick my own shifts 6 weeks in advance but they can be altered at a moments notice by resourcing. It’s not their fault, they need to juggle a lot of staff. I don’t know if I could manage the training course now - I can barely cope as it is without the added stress of essays and exams on top of that. A colleague of mine is doing the training course now (I had started it but had to leave when I fell pregnant) and he has twins the same age, but his wife does everything which allows him to pursue his career. I feel like I’ve got the worst of both worlds. I hate having to leave my baby for days on end but I can’t progress up the career ladder either...

Sounds like he has just woken up to the reality of being a parent which is that you don't really get a break. I would let him calm down then discuss what can actually be done. Point out that you don't get a chance to relax either. If he suggests you stopping work, please don't if you don't want to. Maybe he just needs to reshape his vision of the weekends and learn how to parent properly. I don't mean that sarcastically either. With practise he will figure out how to deal with the tantrums or what games and activities give him mins rest (walks with the buggy so they fell asleep and I would read my book in the park was mine). Don't let him get away with opting out of the hard bits....

News flash-parenting isn't a hobby you get to quit! I'm an RN and work long 12 hour plus shifts full time and my husband cares for our severely disabled son who is nearly 19. Our kid is full on needy but my husband does it and I do same when he's working and this has been going on since he was born. I'd tell him to get a grip and grow up

Your ‘work scheduke’ Or rather ‘lack of’ really isn’t helping it’s nit ‘flexible’ It’s (as others have said (as hoc) flexible would you bring able to work the shifts you choose and not having them changed by others

However, that’s the reality if life isn’t it. We sometimes have to take jobs that aren’t ideal to climb the ladder and provide for our families 🤷🏻‍♀️ Hopefully by doing this job & your training next year you’re working yourself into a better paid and better hours job

The condensed hours you do can be great for family life as can varying shifts, but the fact it’s last minute and constantly changing dies make the childcare element far more difficult

However, sucking that up ‘short term
Pain’ for long term gain’ is what most people have to do 🤷🏻‍♀️

You need to talk to each other when you have time for a proper conversation and aren’t arguing.
Best wishes 🌷

He’s a parent now. He needs to suck it up as women have been doing since time immemorial.
As others have said, his behaviour is rooted in the misogynistic idea that women should take care of the children, despite the fact that you both work
Whatever you do, don’t give up work.

There are plenty of things I don't want to do after a week's work, but I have to do them anyway because that's being a parent and an adult. Tough shit

^Exactly this. It’s not like you’re leaving your child with him to go out partying every night (not that’s there’s anything wrong with the occasional night out). You’re working to provide for all of you. This is his problem to fix

Omg what an idiot. Parenting a child is a joint responsibility.

Maybe he was just having a rant because he was hot and tired, but you've said yourself that he's a lazy sod. So you probably are going to have to bin him at some point.
Could you look for another job, maybe with a private healthcare firm, that can offer you more settled hours? Even the fact that you are 'looking for' a better work pattern might make him less petulant about things, if he can understand that life is not going to be like this forever. I'm not saying you should change jobs just to pander to a selfish man, but because, for anyone with young DC, these sort of zero-hours, short-notice-reshuffle jobs are pretty much impossible long term.

I agree with all other posters on here- your husband should be helping and time off work doesn't mean 'downtime' when you have children! Yes it does get easier when they get older but your mentality shouldn't be that if you're not at work you are entitled to do nothing.
Tell your husband from me, mine is in the military and works away from home with only 2 weekends off a month. He often works from 7am until 3am the next morning. On his weekends off he drives 4 hours home to me and my son and guess what? He gets fully stuck in with nappies, feeding, night wake-ups and everything else. That's what you do in a partnership.

Have you considered working out if you would be financially better off going part time? You could cut down your need for paid childcare perhaps and save money there? Not a career friendly option but worth thinking about if you are desperate.
It's so hard for women, the guilt comes from all sides.

He shouldn't be acting like this?! I wouldn't plan any more children with him, until his attitude improves. Otherwise he may have enough of being a parent and leave you.

His child too so a joint issue. He should not be telling you to sort it out yourself. You need to sit him down and talk to him honestly. Remind him he wanted a child. How would he feel if you left him and he had no wife and child? Ask him to think this over because if he continues in this vein then eventually that is what could happen. Not wanting to sleep with you anymore makes me wonder if he actually wants a wife.

After working all week spending time off with his dd should be something he looks forward to. Complaining about it like a child who isn't allowed to do what they want is pathetic and unattractive.

If she throws him out, who will take over the childcare for those shifts the OP has to work? Solution anyone?

@newmomof1 you totally right. I sometimes find mn not real life. Every mum i know pays for their childcare as there money is extra and their dh and them have budgetted on the different salaries. Marriage and rearing children is give and take...sometimes you do more, sometimes dh does more. Its getting everything done that needs to be done hence why suggested to op she calmly sits down with her dh and discuss childcare as an adult. If he cant do it whats the solition. Ive a friends dh who works 12 hours then small break and another 12 hours for nhs involving surgery and is very happy to look after his dc but his dw (my friend) says she prefer he sleeps so he doesnt make a mistake in his job. He does look exhaused if you see him. When hes more senior he wouldnt be doing these hours. Give and take! Id also say the same about a dh whos job requires him to drive long distance!

A few things.

• Your dh is NOT paying all the bills and you are (only...) paying for childcare.

It should all go nto a sngle pot and come out as YOUR (as a family) expenses.

Second you in effect have another child at home who is refusing to help. Unless he is happy for you to be SAHM (and you are too...) then there is no other choice than him stepping up. I mean im sure you dint get a break during the week when he is working and somehow you are supposed to cope. So why is it that looking after his own child is going to 'kill him'?
And re career progression, can I ask why is it that its ok for you to support him and his career progression but somehow he cant do that? If i was at his place and i knew that training meant more money and maybe less crazy hours, I wouod support you all the way....

1 year olds all day in the heat can be exhausting. If you're tired after working all week and have a full on toddler on your own, yes, its tough. If he's just having a rant, fair enough. Its also fair not to want more if you're not coping well with one.

Try to find classes / groups / family friendly cafes etc for the weekend to try to break things up, and remember that its not forever, even if it feels like it now.

@londonrach The mums I know who pay for childcare using their salary, share money, so there is really no hers and his money.
In my and DP s case it would not matter whose salary it came out of.

@londonrach
Every mum i know pays for their childcare
I have never ever done that and you strongly advise any woman to not look at it in this way. Its putting any responsibilty for chilren on the shoulders of women, why? Its also basically saying 'oh look at how much I do for the family paying for everything' from the man. Forgetting he wouodnt be able to do all that wo his wife stepping up, looking after the dcs or paying said childcare.
Your experience isnt everyone's experience. And its not because 'everyone around you is looking at it this way' that its the rigth way to deal with that sort of problem.

My husband was in emergency services, I was often on my own for 14 hrs, 12 hr shift plus travel, and I know I sometimes had a hissyfit when he got home. It isn't reasonable but it is human. I usually just needed a bit of time but I got sympathy off other mums not condemned.

Hopefully he will have a rest and you can work it out. I used to go to Safeway as they had a creche, it was amazing how much a wander round the supermarket followed by a cup of tea and a bun improved my day. I do remember arriving there one day with a 2 year old and a 3 year old who had been monsters all day. I went to the check in, looking demented I'm sure, and said, "Don't tell me you're full." They took the kids and I sat in the cafe for two hours, had a frustrated little cry, pulled myself together and drank my tea, read a magazine and went back feeling able to cope again. The lovely women in the creche were obviously a bit concerned and I had to convince them it was safe to hand the kids over.

I think if we are honest we all hit the wall sometimes.

So Safeway was my safety net, is there anything that can fill that role for your DH?