Live performance parenting on a train. In the quiet coach

[Gribbie]

Lighthearted - I don’t really mind (except the singing), it’s nice that mum is interacting with him.

I’m on a train for 4 hours. In the quiet coach. Mum and DS probably around 2ish. Started off counting to 3 in various languages (English, Welsh, french, german and Spanish I think). Then DS bit mum. The response was to say “who does that at nursery? If you want to bite I’ll give you a cake to bite.” There has been a hitting incident and another bite since. Now they’re reading/signing nursery rhymes. Old fashioned shite ones. I’ve not got my headphones. Help me. I’ve got an hour to go.

@Kittykat93 its performance parenting if you do it loudly in a quiet coach. it isn’t if you do it at normal (indoors) volume in a regular coach.

@EarlGreyOfTwinings don't worry earl you're the last person I'd want to "impress" or be like. You really have a bitter attitude and like a pp said I wouldn't want to be you. You're too invested in other people's lives. It's sad really.

The problem in this thread is that the lady in OP's post wasn't performance parenting she was just entertaining and interacting with a toddler on a long journey (except for her questionable response to the biting incident). The term is just and excuse for people to get judgy about other people's parenting.

And I'm the last person who would be a performance parent as CBA to talk for that long to a 2 year old (which I'm sure many of you would judge me on too) - so I really admire those parents who make an effort with their children on trains to avoid the unpleasant behaviour in their own way. Seems parents can't do anything right these days.

Jeezo better not talk to my kids next time we are within earshot of anyone else then. Don't want to be performing.

Why is this performance parenting - isn’t this just talking to a child/keeping a child busy on a long and boring ride? Good god - I would be so saddened if someone judged me and labelled me for doing this. Why the need to label it?

^^ can I also just add, the mother might have been hard of hearing, as my husband is so sometimes it sounds like he’s talking loudly. Maybe try to be a nicer person and stop judging people you don’t know OP. Not a nice trait.

Topsecretidentity
were you there? How can you judge?

No need to wilfully misunderstand the meaning of performance parenting, it's really clear what it is.

Can't you get the point that people would LOVE to ignore you and performance parent but you are in their face (and ears).

Call me bitter because I teach manners to my kids and respect other people right to have peace and quiet and not be bothered by me or my kids. That's fine, it says more about you

I should think that everyone who's posted on here is perfectly nice and parents perfectly normally in real life. I just hate labels that end up with normal people sitting on trains worrying that their perfectly normal interactions with their kids are making them look stupid.

You don't get to select which coach it is

Not true. Every train company I’ve ever booked with , where I can reserve seats, gives the option which enables you to choose deliberately and consciously the Quiet Coach:
Virgin trains
Great Western
LNER
South Western
Arriva

Cross country used, but the bastards who run that horror of a network got rid of it - and I always seem to come across the worst most inconsiderate passengers on CrossCountry. I avoid as much as I can.

I book train tickets in able to express preferences such as forward/rear facing, table, electrical socket AND quiet coach.

Yes, and if you select 'quiet coach' it'll put you in the quiet coach. But if you DON'T select 'quiet coach' you might still end up in the quiet coach. There is no 'anywhere but the quiet coach' option.

I got put in the quiet coach once with an 8-month-old and the train company wouldn't change the seats without charging me a cancellation/rebooking fee, even though I spotted it 3 weeks in advance of travel! It ended up okay that time because there were still seats in the unreserved carriage when we arrived, but if we hadn't been travelling end-to-end we'd have just had to sit there.

As far as I can tell "performance parenting" is Mumsnet-speak for any interaction with your child in public that isn't pulling them up on their manners. I don't know what we're expected to do, really. My child is under 2.
This 100%
It's because it's always easier to be critical of others. They'd be the same posters bitching about a screaming toddler, a sleeping toddler or a toddler watching an ipad. It must be really tiresome for these people being so perfect all the time.

Oh. Look what happened on this 'lighthearted' performance parenting thread slating a mother and child on a train.

Madness, taking a toddler into the quiet carriage!!

When DS2 was tiny and non-mobile I'd sometimes go in the quiet carriage with him because I hoped he'd sleep - but as soon as he stopped having big naps, that was a big no-no.
Talking and mobile - NO CHANCE.

Mad.

@BeansandRice yes but there isn't an "no quiet coach" option which means sometimes a reservation places you in the quiet coach even though you didn't request it. It has happened to me.

But if you DON'T select 'quiet coach' you might still end up in the quiet coach. There is no 'anywhere but the quiet coach' option.

yea - that's the problem - we’re not choosing the quiet coach but it's giving reservations there and it's not obvious till you get to the train.

Even until you’re on the train in some cases – plus I’m not looking for one or two seats but a block of seats in viewing distance – as there are a few of us and by time you get to seats realize it quiet carriage there are few free seats left.

If you book direct with the train company ( which is cheaper and better than the 3rd party websites) or you book by phone or at the railway station, you can usually directly choose your seat. I do this. ALL THE TIME. You can see which carriage and seat on most TOCs’ websites.

Kids on trains with adults is either going to go interacting with kids = performance parenting to some. Or shoving the kid in front of an ipad - instant judging from others around them.

Or bored kids who whine with/without interaction who sound a drag.

Really you can't win.

With my DC, yes, I have a tablet for them but also have a magazine that they do on the train (if we're allocated a table). If someone wants to judge me for a tablet with sound off/headphones on them let them! And I see countless adults watching films, tv etc on tablets, phones, laptops with or without headphones so they're in no space to judge kids doing the same.

Jesus, the woman has a right to speak to and entertain her child. Do you expect them to sit in silence? As another poster mentioned, it's preferable to him tantrumming and screaming!!

Are people deliberately being obtuse? Performance parenting is blatantly obvious:

Overloud and exaggerated voice
Looking around to see if everyone is watching
Trying to involve other people who really aren't interested

If you parent like that in your own house then fine (odd but fine) but there's something about being in public places that makes people insanely competitive about showing they are parent of the year. You can parent just as effectively using your indoor voice and doing activities that don't cause disruption for everyone else (and without caring if other people are looking or not).

Sorry that sounded very rude how I came across, I did not intend to, sorry!

Noise cancelling headphones would be your best friend right now

yes BeansandRice, but for the people who don't know which one the quiet coach is, AND wouldn't be expecting the system to put them in it anyway, that won't help.

I don't get accidentally put in the quiet coach any more because I know how to check and avoid it when the reservation system puts me there. But I'm not going to blame people who are less savvy travellers for not knowing how the systems work.

My IL like to pre book at train stations - they haven't mentioned this option with reservations but last few times it's been strongly suggest to them they need to do it via the internet rather than at the station - they were most put out.

Still might be worth looking into for us for future bookings.

If you don't understand the difference between performance parenting and normal interaction with your dc then you are probably a performance parent

I can have a conversation with children and adults without everyone in a 50 metre vicinity being able to hear me

Also I sing to my DD when out but I do it quietly so other people don't get disturbed by it. I don't belt out Wind the Bobbin Up at full volume. There's no need for loud voices when it's just two of you sitting next to each other, other than wanting others to hear.

If you don't understand the difference between performance parenting and normal interaction with your dc then you are probably a performance parent

Lol

The 'criteria' cited for PP on these threads is totally subjective.

Loud voice - some people are naturally louder than others
Theatrical - again, some people are naturally more expressive than others
Doing it for other's attention - how the hell can you genuinely tell this (someone will now mention 'looking around them' because that's a crime now)?
Child with a posh name - well that's a clincher. If it's Ophelia then you're definitely guilty, but apparently it's impossible to performance parent a child called Jack.

It's just another stick to beat parents with. People would also be complaining if we ignored them.

Outside of the quiet carriage I'll talk to my child however I see fit. That might involve educational content. I'm doing that for his benefit, not yours, judge away.