Live performance parenting on a train. In the quiet coach

[Gribbie]

Lighthearted - I don’t really mind (except the singing), it’s nice that mum is interacting with him.

I’m on a train for 4 hours. In the quiet coach. Mum and DS probably around 2ish. Started off counting to 3 in various languages (English, Welsh, french, german and Spanish I think). Then DS bit mum. The response was to say “who does that at nursery? If you want to bite I’ll give you a cake to bite.” There has been a hitting incident and another bite since. Now they’re reading/signing nursery rhymes. Old fashioned shite ones. I’ve not got my headphones. Help me. I’ve got an hour to go.

Are people deliberately being obtuse? Performance parenting is blatantly obvious

of course it is.

There’s no objective criteria so how can it be obvious?

If you don't understand the difference between performance parenting and normal interaction with your dc then you are probably a performance parent

Rubbish. If you don't understand that people are different, have different parenting styles/challenges, kids that need different types of interaction and God knows what else going on in their lives, then you are probably a judgemental arse.

jamoncrumpets and spudlet same here. Only just for added faces from fellow commuters, the nearly 5yo who will only point, squawk or use Makaton signs (pity faces all round) then will sometimes deliver an extensive, sophisticated spoken monologue. And I'm sure answering her questions about how different plants grow (current obsession) sounds like performance parenting to some on mumsnet. I have perfected my DILLIGAF face.

The "if you want something to bite, bite this instead" line is straight out of How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen, but I think perhaps cake is not what the author had in mind

I'll talk to my child however I see fit. That might involve educational content.

so what? that doesn't make you a performant parent in itself.
Why are you so defensive if you are not of those parents? I am not, and I do talk to and with my kids. No need to make a show of it🤷

I should think that everyone who's posted on here is perfectly nice and parents perfectly normally in real life. I just hate labels that end up with normal people sitting on trains worrying that their perfectly normal interactions with their kids are making them look stupid.

I agree.

Having read this thread I'm now pretty sure that judgy types have applied this label to me. When we're out and about, especially somewhere like on a train where I need 2 year old DD to sit still, I will point things out to her out of the window and tell her about them, get her to count things, talk about the noise the train makes etc.

I imagine some would think this was performance parenting but I can assure you that the ONLY reason I'm doing it is to keep DD occupied so that she sits still and doesn't get bored and restless and piss off fellow passengers.

i really don’t get the issue people have with children using tablets . I agree. I’d say a long train journey is the perfect time for them. They’re fun, educational and absorbing and with headphones aren’t intrusive. I’d far rather a child happily playing a paw patrol or peppa pig game than singing loudly, running around and whining due to having to sit down for long periods.

I can sympathise - with the waiting room of pensioners - who had to listen to me reading The Wonky Donkey this morning!!!

To my shame I did it once on the train with a 3 year old “look at the sheep darling” etc. Dd turned to me and said “can you be quiet please mummy”

Haha I get the same off my three year old. When I pick him up from nursery if I dare to ask him what he did that day I get a sharp "will you stop talking to me please mummy".

I just hate labels that end up with normal people sitting on trains worrying that their perfectly normal interactions with their kids are making them look stupid.

This, absolutely.

I have 2 dcs with autism, and every train trip is a nightmare, making me a bundle of nerves before, during, and after. Sometimes they are pretty quiet the entire time - but it's still a nightmare for me, because I am on edge the entire time, trying to anticipate problems, head off meltdowns, and keep them calm and not bothering others around us (who for some reason feel the need to wind my dcs up by asking them questions and making "joking" comments that upset them and then sniffing and moaning when I politely ask them to please leave my dcs alone). Oh, and my younger is at a point where he gets really explosively upset if any personal information is given to anyone - and that includes explaining that they have autism & hypermobility when people are demanding to know why dcs are sitting in a disability seat or stimming or whatever.

To some extent, this is true on the bus and tube as well, although slightly more manageable as those are usually shorter trips and more familiar to my dcs.

Being booked in the quiet coach would be a massive problem for us, as moving tends to be very stressful once we've settled (if there was even an available place - and wandering the train to find one would likely end in meltdowns) and staying put would obviously not be a good option. We've apparently been lucky thus far, as we've not ended up in the quiet coach. Fingers crossed we never do.

Between autism/processing difficulties and home education, we do tend to have an ongoing narration wherever we go. I try not to be loud about it, but at the same time, I have to focus on my dcs. If one of them is struggling, I don't care whether someone else is annoyed or not - trust me, it's better to hear the calm narration going on than the meltdowns.

And yes, we bring tablets on longer trips. Again, it's to our benefit and the benefit of those sitting around us. I don't care if people judge me for that or not. We get judged all the time by people when we're out and about as people make assumptions when they see autistic behaviour and/or meltdowns.

Oh fgs. Do your shoot looks at other parents to check they are clocking your superior parenting? Do you bellow French phases in an extremely loud voice? Do you reference your own excellence in your ultra loud conversations with your (indifferent) child? Honestly it’s very obvious when it’s being done and it’s not chatting with your kid as most normal parents do. It’s extremely amusing though so not criticising

Is it just French that’s the problem or are other languages equally obnoxious? What if the foreign language is native to you, is that still a performance parenting sin? What’s so bad about other languages anyway?

What if you naturally speak a bit louder than average? What’s an appropriate decibel level to make sure you aren’t being mistaken for a PP? What if your child has hearing issues, are you exempt?

As for shooting looks, where should you be looking, where are you allowed to look? Can you lift your head the odd time while avoiding judgement? How much looking around can you get away with?

Just some clarification questions

LaurieMarlow
are you being sarcastic or do you genuinely struggle to understand?

Not being sarcastic at all, just looking for clarification as I said.

Oh fgs. Do your shoot looks at other parents to check they are clocking your superior parenting?

Of course, you KNOW that's why some woman just looked at you. Except you would probably claim that she 'smirked smugly' or some such shit.

Do you bellow French phases in an extremely loud voice? Do you reference your own excellence in your ultra loud conversations with your (indifferent) child?

I've been a parent of several children for several years now and we have a broad and wide experience of all the usual parenting stuff. I can honestly say that I have never encountered this once. However, this apparently happens to you with some frequency, so I bow to your greater knowledge of it.

Honestly it’s very obvious when it’s being done and it’s not chatting with your kid as most normal parents do

Oh right. So you know if someone is being one of your PP or talking to their child in a situation to the one GingerIvy and others describe?

The point is that despite you declaring 'ffs! it's OBVIOUS,' it isn't. It's a bunch of parents being arses and judging other parents - usually mothers - without having a clue about their lives.

I absolutely love a good bit of egregious performance parenting. I speak French and was on a train over the weekend sitting opposite a dad with his perhaps 3yo kid. Dad was trying to get the kid to converse in French but the kid had absolutely no interest, the toddler seemed more invested in the Paw Patrol he was watching on an iPad. Dad spoke very bad French and was encouraging the kid to repeat after him. It was truly a joy to witness

NeckPainChairSearch

I give you a clue if it helps, if your performance parenting make other people - including parents! - roll their eyes and want you to shut up, or they meet another passenger's eyes and they both start laughing because of the ridiculous parent as i've laughed not long ago , then you are on full performance parenting mode.

Of course it's obvious, and if you don't care what other people think, why do you need to put on that show then?

I give you a clue if it helps, if your performance parenting make other people - including parents! - roll their eyes and want you to shut up, or they meet another passenger's eyes and they both start laughing because of the ridiculous parent as i've laughed not long ago , then you are on full performance parenting mode

I don't need your help, thanks. I prefer to go through life not judging the fuck out of other parents or trying to catch someone's eye so you can judge together.

I've seen that kind of thing - it's often aimed at parents of kids with additional needs. It's vile and not the terribly amusing little 'bonding' moment that you seem to think it is.

They might need the quiet carriage, though. The child could be autistic and be scared of noise and crowds.
I do agree with the pp about parents not being able to win.
Its the same with discipline
if you shout, its "Awwwww the way she raised her voice to that poor little poppet, and if you ignore it its.
" Ooh if he was mine or back in my day"/

NeckPainChairSearch

When people decide to put on a show, they can expect to be looked down at and judged, the rest of us would really prefer if they could just be quiet.

Better finding it funny than being annoyed about them. It's especially amusing when they think their little darling is showing some advance skills already mastered by much younger ones.

No one is are interesting to other people as they think, no one is bored enough to waste time being fascinated by other families. We've got enough of our own kids, thanks

When people decide to put on a show, they can expect to be looked down at and judged, the rest of us would really prefer if they could just be quiet

Can you explain how you can tell the difference between a parent 'putting on a show' and a parent who is speaking loudly and clearly - possibly about something you find irritating - to a child with invisible additional needs? Are you some kind of expert?

Better finding it funny than being annoyed about them. It's especially amusing when they think their little darling is showing some advance skills already mastered by much younger ones

What about if their little darling is showing skills already mastered by much older ones? What if you're witnessing a breakthrough moment?

You wouldn't know because you're too busy desperately trying to catch the eye of some judgey parent who you can sneer with.

You know nothing about them. You are looking and judging through your narrow, mean, intolerant little lens.

For whatever reason you need to do it, you get pleasure from judging other parents and trying to put them down. Just own it.

I was with you until you made the comment about step mums. How on earth is it the step mother's fault if the dad is a performance parent? Another example of step mums being the root of all evil.

I'm going to teach my daughter to count in Catalan. Just for trains.

Whilst unicycling in the aisle, just to make sure everyone stops what they're doing to listen.

NeckPainChairSearch

chill out!
I assure you if I am on my own, I just want to read or work in peace, I have 0 interest in you or your kids. I sincerely wish I didn't have to listen to you!
If I am with my kids, I have enough to do with them, I don't need to listen to you either, and I am really not interested.

When I happen to see another passenger's face showing that he thinks exactly the same as I do, yes, I am laughing, it's funny.

If you leave me read my book in peace, I won't even notice you. HTH.