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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Live performance parenting on a train. In the quiet coach

414 replies

Gribbie · 01/07/2019 09:37

Lighthearted - I don’t really mind (except the singing), it’s nice that mum is interacting with him.

I’m on a train for 4 hours. In the quiet coach. Mum and DS probably around 2ish. Started off counting to 3 in various languages (English, Welsh, french, german and Spanish I think). Then DS bit mum. The response was to say “who does that at nursery? If you want to bite I’ll give you a cake to bite.” There has been a hitting incident and another bite since. Now they’re reading/signing nursery rhymes. Old fashioned shite ones. I’ve not got my headphones. Help me. I’ve got an hour to go.

OP posts:

IveNotSlept · 01/07/2019 10:21

He’s probably biting her to say “seriously mum shut the fuck up, can’t you see that lady over there is glaring at you, seriously woman.”

I took my toddler a similar age on a long train journey a few months back, I downloaded a few things onto the kindle and he happily sat watching Peppa, paw patrol etc with the volume on very low. No one wants to listen to you singing and clapping for 3 hours whether it’s the quiet coach or not! I imagine how I’d have felt pre-children (I’m a little more tolerant these days) I’d have been quietly raging at a noisy toddler. These days I just feel sorry for the mum trying to keep them occupied and throw a sympathetic smile and wave their way.

Whatevs235 · 01/07/2019 10:23

@User12879923378 yup! That's exactly what mumsnet thinks!

Letthemysterybe · 01/07/2019 10:25

To be fair I think that the point of the quiet carriage is to refrain from using phones etc, not to remain completely silent!

bigKiteFlying · 01/07/2019 10:29

Who even takes a toddler in the quiet coach?

People who find their seats reservations are there.

I once had that- and young three kids on packed train – however the kids were being unbelievable quiet and well behaved – they were tried and had rare treat of magazines – they weren’t even speaking, and it would have been bliss but this couple behind chuntering away kids shouldn’t be in this carriage. Guy to side of us in end asked them to be quiet – I was so grateful and surprised – one of those did that really happen moments especially as they did as I thought in might end up in a row.

I have seen performance parenting on trains a lot - usually ends up with child overwhelmed and tantruming or completely out of control - but apart from the cake I don't think this is that OTT.

Original poster

Gribbie · 01/07/2019 10:33

I’ve not glared. I do feel sorry for her really, entertaining kids isn’t easy in a confined space. It’s just I wanted to have a nap and enjoy some peace and quiet away from my kids

OP posts:

darthbreakz · 01/07/2019 10:33

There's a great book - "how to talk so kids will listen... etc etc" and it sounds like maybe she's read that (it works btw) and on a train/plane/long bus journey, you gotta do what you gotta do to stop your kid from losing it.

I expect I sound like performance parenting when I'm empathising emotively with my kids ("oh you're so, so angry that you can't sit by the window it's making you really reeeeaaaallllly cross! i wish I could let you sit by the window but the problem is someone else is sitting there! Oh you want to throw the whole bus into space? That would show everyone how mad you are"). But you get 5 mins of that or 45mins of tantrum because she can't sit by the window (because someone else is sitting there and its on the other side of the bus).

Sometimes the performance is for the kids benefit, not everyone elses.

Constance1234 · 01/07/2019 10:33

If they are in the quiet coach tell them to (or get a guard to) be quiet! You’ll be doing the poor kid a favour who probably just wants to chill out and stare out of the window!

Poetryinaction · 01/07/2019 10:40

Sounds like normal interaction with a toddler to me too.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 01/07/2019 10:43

As far as I can tell "performance parenting" is Mumsnet-speak for any interaction with your child in public that isn't pulling them up on their manners.

Of course it's not

Original poster

Gribbie · 01/07/2019 10:44

I’ve arrived. Napless but still sane.

They got on the train early while there were still seats in the non quiet coaches. I get I’m grumpy and it’s just normal child interaction. But the quiet coach...

OP posts:

Hithere12 · 01/07/2019 10:47

And it's definitely better to do all that than shove an iPad or phone in front of a toddler's face

Not for the other passengers in the quiet coach it isn’t.

Hithere12 · 01/07/2019 10:48

As an aside, I really don't get what the issue people have with children using tablets and the like

It’s literally no different to parents who let their kids watch TV. They’re both screens.

Justaboy · 01/07/2019 10:49

I was sitting opposite a dad and his little boy (4ish) yesterday on a train to London.

Dad: shall we go straight to the museum darling, you love museums, we learn so much don’t we
Boy: I want to go to McDonald’s
Dad: oh we don’t do McDonald’s you know that, we’ll go to the museum then find a nice cafe

Been there dun that in fact after we had bene to the museam they commented on the train home that;

Well it wasnt so boring after all was it?, i mean those dino sore arse things were h-u-g-e and to think we might have had one in our back yard milli ends of years ago.

Then followed a long animated discusson on how they were to dig up the garden to find said long lost Dino !

Frankola · 01/07/2019 10:57

This is bullcrap.

I can guarentee that this poor mother was dreading the train journey. Precisely for this reason.

As a mother of a toddler myself I can tell you now that the amount of people thinking it's fair game to judge you and comment on your parenting skills when your out in public minding your own business is absolutely ridiculous.

This post proves my point.

OP is sat publically shaming someone who is no doubt trying REALLY hard to prevent any whining and tantrums on that train, for the benefit of other passengers.

How would you like it if someone started posting on a forum to shame you for having your music playing loudly in your headphones etc? Basically just being on the train,which is exactly what you're doing you horrible person.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 01/07/2019 10:57

asfar as I can tell "performance parenting" is Mumsnet-speak for any interaction with your child in public that isn't pulling them up on their manners. I don't know what we're expected to do, really

Totally, and if this mum had stuck her child on an ipad there would have been a thread on here, going bloody hell live child neglect. 'I'm on a train and theres a two year old thats sat with head phones on and its watched 2 hours of peppa pig and its eating cheese sticks, mother is engrossed it her own ipad and they've not interacted once. Why do people have kids if they jusy ignore them' and we'd get a whole load of "oh my god thats terriable" "did you not think to say something"

Daphnesmate · 01/07/2019 10:58

We reserved tickets on-line and I got placed in a quiet coach with two young children! The stress of it on a packed train. I was desperately trying to keep my dcs quiet by quietly entertaining them. I was filled with horror when I saw the sign announcing it was the quiet area and people around me were trying to read etc.

Daphnesmate · 01/07/2019 10:59

Filled with horror...well you know a bit dramatic but I knew what lay ahead and I was stressed!

BeansandRice · 01/07/2019 11:07

Now they’re reading/signing nursery rhymes

They shouldn't be in the Quiet Coach. Did they have booked seats or did the inconsiderate parent choose the Quiet Coach?

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 01/07/2019 11:08

Frankola
It's perfectly possible to normally interact with your kids without being a performance parent, most of us manage.

No need to put on a show for the audience around you, who not only don't give a crap about your parenting and your child, but will also roll their eyes or cringe about you because of your attitude.

You sound so defensive of performance parents, were you the mother in that train?

Ravingstarfish · 01/07/2019 11:08

Just to say my ds has special needs and I’d do anything to keep him calm on a train, even giving him cake after biting me
There was one time where he went absolutely mental and I had a breakdown, everyone was very British and ignored us but I didn’t go on a train with him for another 5 years after!

Spudlet · 01/07/2019 11:09

jamoncrumpets Same. Or at least, similar - waiting for the NDS panel to get back to me. Don’t even get me started on the faces you get when you have to tell them your child isn’t signing because they’re deaf, but because they can’t speak yet (at 3, but looks more like 4 due to height). They almost break my heart.

MRex · 01/07/2019 11:09

The biting thing seems odd, probably a be strategy she's trying out if it's an ongoing issue. The rest is normal toddler management; no screens and no screaming, seems like she did really well to me. New activity every few minutes, perfect for keeping a little one quiet. The numbers are probably because they're the ones mum knows. Similarly I can extend the alphabet song into many verses to entertain mine (normal, phonetically, backwards, backwards phonetically, with relevant words etc), because for some reason it keeps him quiet for ages. (I do sing very quietly though in public!)

Unfortunately a quiet coach is only a phone-free environment, not talking-free. Mostly it's the adults who I want to (permanently) shut up.

TabbyMumz · 01/07/2019 11:09

@User12879923378
To me, it's more when they raise their voice and talk it that high pitched school marmish way so that everyone can hear. Like "oh darrrrrrling, we don't do that do we darrrring, we speak in several languages don't we".... in a way no ordinary sensible Mum would talk to their child.

MRex · 01/07/2019 11:10

*new strategy not be strategy

BeansandRice · 01/07/2019 11:10

OP is sat publically shaming someone who is no doubt trying REALLY hard to prevent any whining and tantrums on that train, for the benefit of other passengers

For me, this is not the way I would interpret the OP - it's about making untoward & unnecessary noise in the Quiet Coach. The parent should have chosen a non-Quiet Coach in which to sit.

It's great to see parents interacting with their children - but not noisily in the Quiet Coach.

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