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AIBU?

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Original poster

Live performance parenting on a train. In the quiet coach

414 replies

Gribbie · 01/07/2019 09:37

Lighthearted - I don’t really mind (except the singing), it’s nice that mum is interacting with him.

I’m on a train for 4 hours. In the quiet coach. Mum and DS probably around 2ish. Started off counting to 3 in various languages (English, Welsh, french, german and Spanish I think). Then DS bit mum. The response was to say “who does that at nursery? If you want to bite I’ll give you a cake to bite.” Grin There has been a hitting incident and another bite since. Now they’re reading/signing nursery rhymes. Old fashioned shite ones. I’ve not got my headphones. Help me. I’ve got an hour to go.

OP posts:
drspouse · 03/07/2019 02:58

@EarlGreyOfTwinings @chamenanged it's called empathetic listening and it's really effective at distracting children who are on the verge of a "nobody knows how awful my life is, it's so unfair" tantrum.
In our house both children know how to say "I know, it's REALLY hard, isn't it" to the other one.

chamenanged · 03/07/2019 07:28

Doesn't make your example sound any less obnoxious for your fellow passengers!

drspouse · 03/07/2019 07:38

It's not my example.
But I'm guessing you'd prefer a tantrum.

Carahfaye · 03/07/2019 08:08

Is it just national rail that you can pick your own seats then?When I book online Kings Cross to Edinburgh there is always an option which coach and seat with a diagram picture given so you actually see which seats on which coaches are free.Smile

chamenanged · 03/07/2019 08:24

I actually would prefer to hear a tantrum than listen to an adult going, ""oh you're so, so angry that you can't sit by the window it's making you really reeeeaaaallllly cross! i wish I could let you sit by the window but the problem is someone else is sitting there!" Least the child would have an excuse.

AverageMummy · 03/07/2019 08:34

‘Performance parenting’ sounds like good parenting to me? I guess you’re thinking she should be using the opportunity to flex her muscles & smash that tot in to line?
Britain are a weirdly intolerant place for children - in many countries it would be the norm for you to step in & help.

EarlGreyofTwinnings · 03/07/2019 09:03

OMFG it's that how parents justify themselves, empathetic listening?

Brilliant! Good luck with that when they are teenagers, if you can't be bothered to put up boundaries and think they have to express themselves .. Grin

Ignore the passengers who are merely inconvenienced, it's the teachers I really feel sorry for - they are the ones who will have to put up with the precious little darlings.

Gingerivy · 03/07/2019 09:23

Frankly, if the passengers are "merely inconvenienced" by my two dcs due to autistic behaviour and coping skills being used, then I consider it a good day. It's a sad day when people can't be tolerant enough to survive a little inconvenience that can't be helped.

I guess you're not aware that a parent can put up boundaries and still actually listen to their child and allow them to express themselves. I try to model the behaviour I want my children to learn - bullying them and shouting at them isn't helpful. I've been the other route as a child, with a parent who shouted and spanked and generally was verbally abusive. I don't consider that setting boundaries or disciplining.

EarlGreyofTwinnings · 03/07/2019 09:27

Gingerivy
not sure why you would need to take a comment about performance parent personally if you are not one of them.

When people talk and listen to their kids like any normal human being, the rest of the carriage doesn't have to be included in their amazing conversation, whether they want it or not .

Gingerivy · 03/07/2019 09:48

As a parent of two dcs with additional needs, I will parent however is needed to help them to cope and function when we're out and about. We also home educate, so we often are discussing things that are educational.

There are occasions where my dcs are struggling, and I may need to assist them in utilising coping skills so they can calm down. Whether you WANT to hear it or not is irrelevant. Whether you CAN hear it or not is irrelevant. Whether or not you would prefer to hear a meltdown instead of me talking to my dcs is irrelevant.

Because at that particular point in time, my ONLY focus is my dcs and helping them to cope. Yes, I may look around a bit to see if people are getting agitated. Why? Not to impress anyone with my parenting, but because experience has taught us that some members of the public are nasty and lacking compassion and will think nothing of making horrible comments or even shouting at me or my dcs (which obviously isn't going to help them calm down). So yes, in the interest of keeping my child safe and calm, I look around to gauge any risk of this.

It's interesting that some people keep saying "why would you take a comment personally if you are not one of them." So we as people should never attempt to educate those who clearly need it? We should never speak up if we see someone being talked about or treated poorly? We should never back up those that are being attacked simply because they are different? God, it's like dealing with bullies in school - if you stand up for "them" then you must BE one of "them."

Some days MN is sadly all about pack mentality. Hmm

EarlGreyofTwinnings · 03/07/2019 09:58

This reply has been deleted

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LaurieMarlow · 03/07/2019 10:17

OMFG it's that how parents justify themselves, empathetic listening?

Given you own total lack of empathy for parenting SEN children, I’m not at all surprised you struggle with this.

Gingerivy · 03/07/2019 10:19

Shame on you for not respecting other people, and other parents who have to deal with their own kids that your antics can upset. Ever thought of that?

My antics? I'd hardly call helping my autistic dcs to calm and cope in a public setting when they are struggling "my antics." Hmm

Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?

Oh, and since you clearly are having difficulties with comprehension, here's a quick copy/paste to help you with your other question…..

If you don't care if I can hear, why do you bother looking around to gauge your audience? Either you concentrate on your child, or you concentrate on your "public".

and copied and pasted from my post that you clearly didn't read properly:::

Yes, I may look around a bit to see if people are getting agitated. Why? Not to impress anyone with my parenting, but because experience has taught us that some members of the public are nasty and lacking compassion and will think nothing of making horrible comments or even shouting at me or my dcs (which obviously isn't going to help them calm down). So yes, in the interest of keeping my child safe and calm, I look around to gauge any risk of this.

LaurieMarlow · 03/07/2019 10:29

I actually would prefer to hear a tantrum

Are you for fucking real? Hmm

Do you have any idea how upsetting and exhausting a proper meltdown is for both the child and parent involved?

Yours is actually one of the most self involved statements I’ve ever heard on MN (and lord knows that’s saying something).

Gingerivy · 03/07/2019 10:34

@LaurieMarlow

Meltdowns in public are soul shattering, IMO, for me and my dcs. I practically turn things inside out to avoid it.

This whole idea that we want to "make a show of it to the world" is ludicrous. The concept that we could blend into the background for the whole day sounds like bliss to me. Sadly, with two autistic dcs, that doesn't happen often.

chamenanged · 03/07/2019 11:00

Who said 'proper meltdown'? Both the person I was responding to and I said 'tantrum'. They're not the same thing Hmm

LaurieMarlow · 03/07/2019 11:14

chame you were responding to people describing how they manage their autistic child's behaviour, so don’t act all disingenuous now.

Wft you would prefer a tantrum to a reasoned conversation is utterly beyond me anyway. I can’t fathom how a reasonable adult would come to that conclusion. Extremely odd.

chamenanged · 03/07/2019 11:32

I literally wasn't at all Confused the person I was talking about made no mention of autism. Where the fuck have you got that from?

Cyrusc · 03/07/2019 11:44

Ugh I came on for some good performance parenting stories and most posters are quibbling about train reservations or don't understand what the concept is at all.

I had one of these on a train journey too. My first train journey in years, coupled with my first major hangover in years and the bloody von Trapp family were sitting opposite me. The mother was insufferable trying to get her DDs to sing when one clearly didn't want to. It was the cringiest thing.

Incidentally my mother is a performance parent - and I'm 34! She's usually such a lovely, normal person but I've noticed in more recent years she randomly puts on this fake show in public, bigging herself/us up while she talks to me. It's clearly for the benefit of people listening and she'll often look around to see who's can hear - it's mortifying. She taken to doing it with my children now which is even worse as I feel I'm boasting by proxy and want the ground to swallow me up! I usually give her a withering look and my face is bright red so it's obvious I'm embarrassed but she just keeps on going. I've even shushed her but she just looks mortally wounded and I somehow end up being the bad guy. I don't know why she does this, insecurity I'm thinking?

GlomOfNit · 04/07/2019 19:40

My understanding of 'Quiet Carriage' is 'please turn your bloody phone off and don't play music or computer games audibly on your laptop'. It isn't 'please shut up, cease from quiet conversation and don't interact with anybody'.

Jeez. My 8 yo son is severely autistic and I have to hover, helicopter and Loud Parent him everywhere, all the fucking time. It's a PITA but there you go, we're all trying to parent our individual children as best we can and in response to their unique needs.

AverageMummy · 04/07/2019 20:04

If there was an elderly vulnerable person on a train & someone was talking to them loudly & explaining things etc would that be ‘performance caring’?

I’d prefer to hear a tantrum

Just for children I assume? Interaction & empathy would be extended to all other demographics?

chamenanged · 04/07/2019 20:22

I'd have empathy for a kid having a tantrum. I'd want to launch a parent going, "oh you're so, so angry that you can't sit by the window it's making you really reeeeaaaallllly cross! i wish I could let you sit by the window but the problem is someone else is sitting there!" directly out of said window. It's not that complicated.

browzingss · 04/07/2019 20:50

The quiet zone is absolutely there for no/low volume conversation; why on earth would passengers need to turn their phones off? You can use your phone without making a call or playing audio, wtf

LaurieMarlow · 04/07/2019 21:03

It's not that complicated.

I agree it’s not. Some people just have zero empathy for others just trying to do their best and are judgemental arseholes. I get that.

chamenanged · 04/07/2019 21:10

Ah I see you couldn't point to where I responded to anyone who'd mentioned autism Grin never mind!