Live performance parenting on a train. In the quiet coach

[Gribbie]

Lighthearted - I don’t really mind (except the singing), it’s nice that mum is interacting with him.

I’m on a train for 4 hours. In the quiet coach. Mum and DS probably around 2ish. Started off counting to 3 in various languages (English, Welsh, french, german and Spanish I think). Then DS bit mum. The response was to say “who does that at nursery? If you want to bite I’ll give you a cake to bite.” There has been a hitting incident and another bite since. Now they’re reading/signing nursery rhymes. Old fashioned shite ones. I’ve not got my headphones. Help me. I’ve got an hour to go.

As far as I can tell "performance parenting" is Mumsnet-speak for any interaction with your child in public that isn't pulling them up on their manners.

Agreed. Heaven help you if you have a naturally louder than average voice or expressive face.

I am laughing at all the posters who defend their performance parenting on here!

WHY do you bother? Not only no-one, but no one is remotely interested let alone impressed, but you know you are being ridiculous and people cringe or laugh at you? So why do you do it?

So what’s the difference between ‘performance parenting’ and interacting with our child?

surely for a 2 year old , its just them trying to keep the kid busy and entertained?

So what’s the difference between ‘performance parenting’ and interacting with our child?

obviously doing it for the "benefit" of others around you, to show what an amazing parent you are, what genius your child is and how healthy and smug your parenting is.

Most parents just interact with their kids, the difference is pretty obvious.

I talk to my son when out and about and will point out things , I would hate to think people think I'm putting on a performance for their benefit. I couldn't give a shiny shite about anyone else I'm just focused on my son and trying to avoid tantrums, screeching etc.

It's sad that someone interacting with their child by counting to three etc is seen as being a performance. It's not.

I think we all have a sense of the distinction between performance parenting and interactive parenting.

For starters, performance parenting is much, much, louder.

It's entirely possibly to go through Waitrose with your toddler in tow and do the whole fun/learning thing (where can we find the bread? how much does it cost?) without anyone else even hearing.

Oh god the bloody Peppa Pig on the phone - no device should be making a noise, even "on low". HEADPHONES. This also applies to FaceTime FFS.

WHY do you bother? Not only no-one, but no one is remotely interested let alone impressed, but you know you are being ridiculous and people cringe or laugh at you? So why do you do it?

They're not doing it for you they're doing it for their toddler to prevent a tantrum. You sound judgemental and sad... the world doesn't revolve around what you like and your standards so if you don't enjoy listening to a parent's interaction with their toddler then just ignore it.

I try to avoid public transport with my 2 year old but when I have to do it our "conversation" is basically me negotiating with a terrorist. Very stressful... probably sounds mad and OTT to an outsider, but it's for our mutual benefit to prevent an explosion in a confined space.

I wish those judging the parents of toddlers would be more empathetic and know it's a limited phase that these parents have to talk like an idiot - and that you can't possibly know what they are going through, what needs the child has, and what the child responds to best. Plus not all 2 year olds like watching programmes for long stretches.

obviously doing it for the "benefit" of others around you, to show what an amazing parent you are, what genius your child is and how healthy and smug your parenting is

The usual mean, judgemental crap. Unless you know someone, you have no clue what's going on with them and their lives.

I don't envy your attitude towards other people.

So what’s the difference between ‘performance parenting’ and interacting with our child?

I always thought it was when the child clearly isn't engaged or gets overwhelmed by the interaction. It’s clearly not in response to the child or their needs they’re more a prop.

So, it’s not distracting, or answer questions child asks in depth – or trying to really engage them in something – though I’ve seen others claim it is it.

Children often lose patience - move away – start playing, ignore or try and engage them in something they are interested in with usually no reponse or behaviour massively deteriorates as all warning signs are missed.

Empathise with you OP, performance parenting is the absolute worst and they usually look around too to see who's noticing how great they are.

And every time I book train tickets in able to express preferences such as forward/rear facing, table, electrical socket AND quiet coach. Surprised so many people don't seem to have the choice

Wouldn't it be good if trains offered a noisy children coach?

They have them here in Finland on the intercity trains, with a play train they can climb on and a slide and a reading area (and another small compartment that you can book for one family, with an activity table). Long journeys cross country go by like a dream when your child is busy sliding down the slide a million times instead of asking 'are we nearly there yet?' a million times

@MolyHolyGuacamole you can choose the quiet coach. But you can't choose NOT to have it. That's what people have said over and over. I have been put in the quiet coach many times even though I've never explicitly selected it and if I could I would try avoid.

I just took a 10 hour plane journey with a two year old from the UK to the USA midwest.

The couple in front of us (in the bulkhead) spent 30 minutes complaining to the woman in their row (whom they'd never met) about how the woman's DIL isn't raising the children as Christians, and all the ways they under minded her son an d SIL during her visit (they had Alexa play Christian songs, and told them not to listen to DIL on the topic of Jesus). Then they slammed back their seats at the first opportunity, knocking my daughters drink onto her lap.

They were right in my space. I did the best performance parenting you could imagine. So many songs, so very many readings of "going to the doctor," much less IPAD than I would have used if I wasn't feeling spiteful.

I've started speaking really simply and clearly to DS to try and help him learn to talk and I cringe when I do it in public because it feels like it comes across as performance parenting, plus I stand out like a sore thumb speaking English anyway.

That is a disaster of a post.

The couple in front complained to the stranger about the couple's DIL.

She might not have realised its the quiet coach when she booked it or it might be the onky seat available. I've been booked into the quiet coach via on line reservations without realising until I got on the train. I've also been booked into the space for a wheelchair that doesn't even have a seat. The on line reservation system is not great!

For the love of God, why do so many people not understand what 'quiet coach' means? Or do they just think the rule applies to everyone but them?

Topsecretidentity

you do know that it's perfectly possible to interact with your kids without being a performance parent, and it doesn't have to involve tablets?

Most parents speak and entertain their kids, they don't make a show of it.

If you behave like a normal human being, I won't even notice you, that's the point. A tablet or screen has never stopped a performance parent to try to put on a show btw

Be polite and quiet like the rest of us, and teach your kids manners without smugly informing the ones around you - who don't give a shit - that you have a genius child and that you are that parent.

I book train tickets in able to express preferences such as forward/rear facing, table, electrical socket AND quiet coach.

Who are you booking through ? - I'm wondering if it's the booking company or the lines that give these options.

I've been on trains were entire booked coaches aren't there on the day - as you can imagine the train with three coaches mostly booked down to two is unpleasantly crowded - we were coming back of holiday with cases as well - the guards who couldn't get down the train said it was a common issue and blamed on-line booking companies rather than carriage not being there.

Natsku
if you talk to your child the way you would talk to him in the privacy of your house, it's unlikely you are a performance parent

You can teach them ancient greek or advance maths in public without being a performant parent either. It's not the content, it's the way to do it!

I bet I sound just like this. I have a 7yr old with adhd and fas. When I travel to see relatives the other side of the country take him and dd on the train as its easier than driving with them in the back. But we talk allllll the time. Plus ds is in and out of his seat, yabbering to people and singing loudly. People must HATE us.

She might not have realised its the quiet coach when she booked it or it might be the onky seat available. I've been booked into the quiet coach via on line reservations without realising until I got on the train

Well if that’s the case (which has never happened to me in three years of booking trains) you bloody well BE QUIET and consider everyone around you.

I have been more irritated on trains by adults having very loud top volume phone calls than young children.

Performance parenting is funny though. You know it when you see it. We had a performance granny once we still laugh about it. To my shame I did it once on the train with a 3 year old “look at the sheep darling” etc. Dd turned to me and said “can you be quiet please mummy”