Live performance parenting on a train. In the quiet coach

[Gribbie]

Lighthearted - I don’t really mind (except the singing), it’s nice that mum is interacting with him.

I’m on a train for 4 hours. In the quiet coach. Mum and DS probably around 2ish. Started off counting to 3 in various languages (English, Welsh, french, german and Spanish I think). Then DS bit mum. The response was to say “who does that at nursery? If you want to bite I’ll give you a cake to bite.” There has been a hitting incident and another bite since. Now they’re reading/signing nursery rhymes. Old fashioned shite ones. I’ve not got my headphones. Help me. I’ve got an hour to go.

Describe any behaviour in a clear and objective way.

Show us how its done

I’m not the one saying I can identify PP by observing behaviour. So why would I be describing anything?

Let’s take loudness, which has come up frequently.

If you can just clarify what decibel level indicates performance parenting, that would help enormously.

Also, please advise if that can be adjusted if there are language/speech difficulties involved. Can we also adjust to take into consideration natural speaking levels, which do vary.

Thanks

I think I can describe it, it's a parent doing something that shows off the parent's attribute while purporting to entertain a child. E.g. man doing press-ups in the pool, granny talking about how she makes honey. Everyone's comfortable with those examples.

Some people have an extended definition that seems to include many forms of talking or singing with a young child. Some others of us don't understand the distinction from any other parenting in those examples. Suggestions seem to have been made that it might be the volume the person speaks at and bystanders are all omniscient as to any hearing issues or special needs. It's all getting a bit confused by those who enjoy judging mums who are just doing their best.

Sorry @LaurieMarlow, cross posted!

I love that performance parents are still defending themselves

Tell you what, Earl, you crack on being one of the Mean Girls. Some people just don't grow out of it.

You want everyone to agree that you should be free to be nasty about people, I think that you're missing an empathy gene. You have steadfastly ignored the posts about additional needs, and you will continue to do so.

All your little smiley faces don't cover up the intrinsic meanness that seeps out of your posts, I'm afraid.

Ultimately, I'm glad I'm different to you .

I'm hiding this thread now. Have a great day.

if you accidentally judge/roll your eyes at/start a thread about/contribute to a thread about a parent of an additional needs child, on their last nerve, trying their hardest, that looked EXACTLY like a PP, well fuck it, eh?

Unless someone is including photos or saying 'the woman in the yellow flowered dress in Coach A of the 10:55 from Newcastle to Aberdeen last Thursday' and said woman recognises herself, you will never be able to say categorically what the circumstances are - people are simply describing what behaviour from parents has annoyed them on a train. There might be an understandable reason, there might not, but it doesn't mean the behaviour isn't still annoying.

I am not sure there's any point to go into details, it's very clear for everybody what a performant parent is, if some posters are trying to pretend they don't understand what we are talking about, let them be.
Even MN wrote articles about the subject, it's a funny or irritating behaviour, not much more than that.

of course it's obvious in real life, the way many things are.

i am not sure there's any point to go into details, it's very clear for everybody what a performant parent is

Just saying it doesn’t make it true. No debating prizes for you.

It’s not at all obvious to me. As I’ve said. Ad nauseum.

I used to have to catch a train used by stage school kids and it was torture. Ever since then I see startling similarities between the two groups.

LaurieMarlow feel free to re-read the thread and actually read all the explanations given at length my dear, that might help.

"Oh darling, you got that right because you went to public school" = parent being an arse. I completely agree.

Parent singing counting songs or playing "spot the animal" or seeing how many of something a child can remember on the train = parent trying to entertain their child on a train.

actually read all the explanations given at length my dear, that might help.

Thanks dear

My questions haven’t been answered as you know. I (and other posters) would particularly like to know how you can tell if SEN is involved, which is something you have dodged repeatedly.

Any time you like.

EarlGrey I'm particularly interested to know what you think of my post above - especially how you would know my child has SEN, and how you (and others) think I should approach the same situation when it happens again - short of waiting for DD to develop an interest in something else.

Here you go, I've copied it for you again so you don't have to go searching.

You can laugh at this (it is funny in hindsight, it wasn't at the time), I was fairly recently on public transport with my child who is autistic. She was building up to a sensory overload meltdown and one thing which can sometimes calm her down at least temporarily is talking about her current favourite topic. Which right now is plants and seed dispersal, and especially seed dispersal via animal poo.

So my last attempt was "I tell you what darling, why don't I tell you all about the coffee beans that come from civet poo! Do you remember that one?" (fucksake)

And yes, of course I looked round to see if anyone else had heard me sounding like an epic twat (and yes, they had, the judgey fuckers were all exchanging glances), and no it didn't fucking work anyway so my child still looked like an unruly brat and me like a totally ineffective parent.

It is funny, but tell me honestly - without knowing the background, how would you know DD has SEN? What am I supposed to do, stick a bloody puzzle piece to her forehead like Arnold J Rimmer's hologram so I don't get judged when something like that happens? Or should I just let her have a distressing public meltdown without even trying to avert it? Perhaps try to corral her into a more age-acceptable interest? I'd love to know before I end up the subject of a MN thread and become known as Civet Poo Twat Parent forever.

LauraMipsum
nothing.

If you speak to your child like a normal parent, I won't think anything, or remotely care. If I overheard you talking about coffee bean poo, I might store the point to use with one of mine who is at the stage of finding poo the funniest subject ever.

If I see you looking around smugly to ensure everybody got your attention, I'd think you are an idiot.

It's a shame if you genuinely cannot understand the difference between interacting wit your child, and making a show to "educate" or just show off to all the people around you. Most parents manage.

Was in a quiet hotel dining room on Sunday having breakfast. A lone Dad started tickling his daughter at the table and made loud dog growling noises. Daughter was about 9, trying to read her kindle whilst waiting for food, and looked as if she wanted to be anywhere but with him.

No, I can't tell, and the shame is not mine. This interaction checked all the MN boxes:

Talking too loudly - check, DD was already wailing

About a pretentious subject - check

To a child who clearly didn't care - check, she was wailing for her chewy

Instead of telling the little blighter firmly to stop making that awful noise - check, because she's autistic and once rolling towards meltdown that makes everything worse

While looking around at others - yes, apologetically / defensively, but I daresay it could be construed as smug

Those are the Mumsnet PP Criteria, that episode met them all, how would you discern that this was normal parenting? Magic? If so, I can stop worrying about being judged....

You don't want to understand, don't, it doesn't matter.

but come on Talking too loudly - check, DD was already wailing
you don't think other people are able to notice if you talk over a child, if or if you bellow to a bemused child to attract attention from the bystanders?

I could go on. If you are not showing off, you are not, so who cares.

Performance Parenting threads are always full of such Billy Bullshit examples - Waitrose must be mentioned, oh and Quinoa and Mandarin and horror at MacDonalds. Let's all pat ourselves on the back for being so clever.

I don’t think I’ve ever really witnessed performance parenting. I think it is more
common on mumsnet than it is in real life. So many snarky comments on here.

If you are not showing off, you are not, so who cares.

Well, clearly plenty of Mumsnetters do, hence the number of threads on the topic!

And ultimately I care, because I don't want to be an inconvenience or source of annoyance to other people.

Letthemysterybe Me neither. Genuinely. I have never seen these mythical parents who loudly bray "Come on darling, finish your ORGANIC QUINOA and let's do some of the quadratic equations they're ALREADY TEACHING YOU at your EXPENSIVE PRIVATE SCHOOL but remember it's MANDARIN DAY TODAY".

But you're just going to be told that it happens all the time and the reason you haven't noticed is because you're doing it yourself.

I think the best example of performance parenting I've ever seen is the mother breaking into a musical number, while requiring her daughter to show her new tap routine, when picking the poor child up from school. Now that was performance parenting.

mbosnz 😳😳wow!