Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Live performance parenting on a train. In the quiet coach

414 replies

Gribbie · 01/07/2019 09:37

Lighthearted - I don’t really mind (except the singing), it’s nice that mum is interacting with him.

I’m on a train for 4 hours. In the quiet coach. Mum and DS probably around 2ish. Started off counting to 3 in various languages (English, Welsh, french, german and Spanish I think). Then DS bit mum. The response was to say “who does that at nursery? If you want to bite I’ll give you a cake to bite.” Grin There has been a hitting incident and another bite since. Now they’re reading/signing nursery rhymes. Old fashioned shite ones. I’ve not got my headphones. Help me. I’ve got an hour to go.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 02/07/2019 18:59

Actually it’s quite amusing to sit apart from your family to hear what strangers really are muttering to each other about you Grin. I learned that some 50 something women on the tube thought dh looked like Benedict cumberbatch and some 20 something’s thought I was very unreasonable to bring kids to a Harry Potter event Grin

OJZJ · 02/07/2019 19:03

jamoncrumpets.... I never thought of it like that and wish I had had that said to me 5 years ago with a non verbal child and my own "performance parenting" so i could have given myself a break all these years I still get looks when he is doing his own thing with the on hold music playing in his head and I virtually yell the last comand for the third or fourth time... as I did today outside the hospital with the windows open asking if seat belt was on properly (luckily due to my small car and mobility issues he has learned to belt himself in properly including the fact it can't be twisted and must be clipped the right way etc) I got a gaggle of nurses sneaking a crafty ciggie in before/during work all turn round in unison as I yelled Hmm

PetrichorRain · 02/07/2019 19:23

I did some performance parenting in a big department store the other door. DS (4.5) is a bolter and a fidget, and I spend the whole time we’re out shouting “DS, come back. Stay with me, please. Put that down, please. COME BACK! DS WILL you PLEASE stop running away. COME BACK. DS!” on repeat, which is as much fun as it sounds. Anyway so when a nice pair of ladies in the customer orders point started chatting to him while I was waiting to pick something up, I encouraged him to show off his maths and had him counting in French etc, just to show that I wasn’t a complete failure as a parent.

amispeakingenglish · 02/07/2019 19:34

Camping Southwold Very Very Early Sunday Morning. We are suddenly awakened by an awful noise. Looked out. A mum who had arrived with family the day before was sitting on a chair outside her tent. Standing in front of her was a very small boy ..... practising his violin. Catherine Tate where were you? Can you believe this. What planet was she on!!!!

Inmyvestandpants · 02/07/2019 19:57

Violins at the campsite aside, performance parenting is usually only a way of overcoming embarrassment at your child's behaviour. It's a way of communicating with anyone observing that you don't approve of what your child has just done or said, whilst simultaneously trying to correct the undesirable behaviour. Why is everyone so up in arms about it?

I was in Sainsbury's with DC once near to the instant noodles and my DS said "Mummy, why don't you ever buy us Pot Noodles?", to which the only reply I could think of was, "Because I love you." Made the chap next to me guffaw, so I was quite proud of that performance.

rainbowbear10 · 02/07/2019 19:58

i know if i booked a seat on the quiet coach that is what i would expect to have my journey in with little noise as possible .. i wouldnt have wanted to be annoyed by parents entertaining their kids or constantly on their phones chatting / playing music etc i paid for first class a few years ago and the next carraige just through the door i would have though i was in the local softplay ...kids were l swinging from the luggage compartment just above the seats / climbing into them, running up and down the aisle, making loads of noise and kept pressing teh button to open the door into ist carraige. guard never said anything i did put in a complaint and got £15 compensation. luckily my journey was only 3 hrs we had got on at Preston.

nuxe1984 · 02/07/2019 20:10

I work in education and the number of children starting school with below level language skills is appalling. It's great that this mother is interacting with her child rather than giving him an iPad to watch whilst she's on her phone.

I also travel a lot on the train. Quiet carriage doesn't mean no speaking … it refers to no phone calls, tinny music from headphones, constant phone notifications. Parents interacting with children don't bother me (I often join in) … adults who decide to sit opposite each other (rather than next to each other) and thus shout to each other the whole journey do!

PetrichorRain · 02/07/2019 20:14

In my defence, DS was diagnosed with a chromosome abnormality of unknown significance as a baby and didn’t even start talking til he was 3, so him being able to do sums in French 1.5 years later is pretty exciting to me at least.

HeronLanyon · 02/07/2019 20:15

I just don’t think a quiet carriage is somewhere a parent and young toddler should book. I completely thought love and don’t mind loud kids having fun etc but why on earth do that to a carriage full of people who have chosen and wanted quiet !

Mythologies · 02/07/2019 20:27

I think we all understand that young children could compete in a talking competition - but here are my two examples:
Empty train in London - mother and toddler in a pushchair - both English as far as I could here (this is relevant) Mother says - very loudly - 'Shall we read your book darling?' (so far so good) Except Mother starts reading 'Stig of the Dump' to the the toddler - in French - loud enough for the whole carriage to hear.
Example two
Very crowded, very small, airport departure lounge - plane is two hours late. Father says to toddler - 'Would you like a sweet?' Toddler would like sweet. Father gets out bag of sweets and says to (small) toddler - now you know you can have only one - then I am going to put this bag (shows toddler bag of sweeties) away and no more sweets - like we agreed.

Mythologies · 02/07/2019 20:32

*hear even

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 02/07/2019 20:36

The constant reasoning with a toddler/young child and explaining every little detail and a loud projecting voice

Lots of them around here Grin

Lots of eye rolling at them too Grin

waterrat · 02/07/2019 20:45

Its a train not a library. You don't deserve or have the right to have a nap ! Its to get you from a to b.

I loathe these horrible judgemental mean threads. She sounds like a mum trying really hard to engage with her kid in a completely normal way. Maybe her kid is one who won't watch cartoons ..some don't concentrate for long enough especially when little.

You just can't win as a parent can you - and here we are supposed to be supportive of each other.

ExtraFox19 · 02/07/2019 20:56

He might have been autistic and that may explain why she had him in the quiet carriage.

myself2020 · 02/07/2019 21:14

@waterrat its a quiet coach. if you need to talk loudly, the quiet coach is NOT the place for this . that’s what the other coaches are for.

myself2020 · 02/07/2019 21:16

@nuxe1984 quiet coach means noise at minimum. that includes all noise. hence the name quiet coach

nuxe1984 · 02/07/2019 21:54

Not sure how often you travel in a quiet coach (I travel by train several times a week) … unfortunately many adults don't think "quiet coach" means keeping the noise to a minimum and will happily chat for the entire journey. Often in very loud voices.

And I don't think it would work asking them to stop cos it's a "quiet coach" ...

Letthemysterybe · 02/07/2019 22:02

Mythologies are those supposed to be examples of ‘PP’? I’m so confused.

summerofresistance · 02/07/2019 22:04

I just don’t think a quiet carriage is somewhere a parent and young toddler should book

Please explain to me how to actually achieve this? If you book online, you can choose the quiet coach but you can't opt out of it - and sometimes the system puts you in it. When it happened to me I hadn't noticed our reservation was in the quiet coach. I totally agree with you It's bonkers to put a noisy toddler in the quiet coach but I didn't choose to be there.

As I said up thread blame the train companies not the parents!

HeronLanyon · 02/07/2019 22:07

Good point summerofresistance I should have said ‘choose to sit and or choose to book’. Agree sometimes there is no choice.
I will though be critical of parents who just don’t think or care and could avoid it. Totally understand sometimes it’s the booking system or lack of seats which creates the problem.

Ilfie · 02/07/2019 22:11

Pretty gruelling stuff but at least it’s not a 25hr flight to Sydney, just have to grit your teeth

Teacher22 · 02/07/2019 22:19

The old ‘shite’ nursery rhymes are your ( and your children’s) literary heritage. They all signify something. Once lost, gone forever.

HeronLanyon · 02/07/2019 22:42

Agree teacher social heritage even more !

sima74 · 02/07/2019 23:37

It probably sounds like I am performance parenting my 4yo DS when I am out and about, but he is autistic so I have to speak loudly and clearly so that he understands, with a lot of verbal reinforcements and commentary on what he is doing. So if we were in that coach with you now I can guarantee you would think I am performance parenting when actually I am just parenting my autistic child in the best way I know how.

^^
This is exactly what I do with my 8 year old autistic daughter and precisely why I loathe these ‘performance parenting’ threads. They really couldn’t be more one sided.

Catsinthecupboard · 03/07/2019 02:46

I would be more upset about the biting and hitting than nursery rhymes.