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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Live performance parenting on a train. In the quiet coach

414 replies

Gribbie · 01/07/2019 09:37

Lighthearted - I don’t really mind (except the singing), it’s nice that mum is interacting with him.

I’m on a train for 4 hours. In the quiet coach. Mum and DS probably around 2ish. Started off counting to 3 in various languages (English, Welsh, french, german and Spanish I think). Then DS bit mum. The response was to say “who does that at nursery? If you want to bite I’ll give you a cake to bite.” Grin There has been a hitting incident and another bite since. Now they’re reading/signing nursery rhymes. Old fashioned shite ones. I’ve not got my headphones. Help me. I’ve got an hour to go.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 02/07/2019 13:56

mbosnz 😳😳wow!

I know!!!! I swear on my siamese cat's whiskers that I'm not making it up! To be fair, they were both very good - but it was still excruciating. . .

BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/07/2019 14:01

I overhear a lot of ‘reasoning’ going on these days compared to when mine were small, and think sometimes it’s ok to just say no or remove something or them from a situation etc. I’m not saying always, it’s obv great to include them in decisions etc but not every time.

A classic was a kid (18 months if that) toddling up to a paddling pool and grabbing a large stone/rock , he was just about to chuck it at the kids in the pool when dad appeared, held the kids arm aloft and proceeded to explain why it wasn’t a good idea to throw the rock, ie people could get hurt. Fair enough, but instead of removing the rock dad kept repeating “now Oscar I want you to make the right decision and put the rock down”, the kid wasn’t having any of it, desperate to lob it but dad kept on .... “I’ve explained what could happen if you
Continue and I want you to make the right decision” .... it went on for ages, all the adjacent parents just staring Shockat Oscar and dad thinking “FFS just take the fecking thing off him, he’s a baby” 😂😂

AlaskanOilBaron · 02/07/2019 14:04

BigSandy seems to have nicely summarised the distinction.

It’s not bad for kids to hear their father hissing ‘put that rock down this second’ in such a circumstance.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 02/07/2019 14:05

Performance parenting exists but 90% of the examples on mn are not it.

BossAssBitch · 02/07/2019 14:11

Always makes me laugh when someone posts that the OP is 'publicy shaming' the irritating person that they are posting about. With no names, no description of appearance, nothing.

WE DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHO THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT SO ITS NOT PUBLIC, SO GET BACK IN YOUR BOX Grin

Gingerivy · 02/07/2019 14:19

I overhear a lot of ‘reasoning’ going on these days compared to when mine were small, and think sometimes it’s ok to just say no or remove something or them from a situation etc. I’m not saying always, it’s obv great to include them in decisions etc but not every time.

Reasoning is often what works best with my autistic dcs, and as they are going to have to learn to be independent, reasoning is needed, so they can make the connections for themselves at some point.

As my two are preteens, not toddlers, people just jump straight to "dreadful children" and "ineffective parent" rather than consider that they might have additional needs. Hmm

PCohle · 02/07/2019 16:05

It’s not at all obvious to me. As I’ve said. Ad nauseum.

Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean everyone else is wrong. Sometimes it just means you're failing to grasp a straightforward concept.

Nor do I understand why people are acting like a random stranger "judging them" is a life altering horror. Truly who cares if a random stranger on public transport thinks, apparently incorrectly, that you're being loudly pretentious.

AuditAngel · 02/07/2019 16:12

OP will have a fun journey home again reading this lot!

TheAgeofAnxiety · 02/07/2019 17:03

I'll never forget the train journey from my hometown to the city where I was doing my PhD (I'm talking about another country). It was the day before my first year PhD viva and I had booked a quiet coach seat in first class to have a table, socket etc and prepare the whole second half of rehearse my presentation.

A toddler screamed and cried and whined for 6 consecutive hours with her parents (apparently directly from Love Island - glam and tanned) happily ignoring her. When I dared saying something, he turned out to me and screamed "you don't know who I am!".

He turned out to be a local premier league football player - so unsuccessful that he was on loan to the second division team of my destination town Hmm (not that it would have been tolerable otherwise)

iPads or phones or Haribo or singing or counting in any language, it doesn't matter to me provided you can show me that you are actually trying something. Anything really.

Ellyess · 02/07/2019 17:34

You're much more patient than I am. I'd have screamed by the 1st hour. It's the QUIET COACH!
My eldest when 3, just after what appeared to be all of the Mothers' Union complete with hats had primly entered the train:
"Little girls mustn't say bloody hell. It's naughty to say bloody hell. Good girls don't say bloody hell. Daddy says bloody hell when he's driving. But little girls don't say bloody hell. It's naughty to say bloody hell. I'm a good girl so I don't say bloody hell. When I drive a car I can say bloody hell." I just let her chatter on. It wasn't the quiet coach.

Ellyess · 02/07/2019 17:42

Gingerivy I really feel for you and your children. I get pretty sick at the Gen. Public attitude when a child is behaving differently to what they expect. By this I mean the kind of thing you have described, when you are explaining something to your Autistic child. I worked with Autistic children. They and their parents get a raw deal when they are out and about. It doesn't cross people's minds that the "normal looking" child might have additional needs, or be feeling very anxious.

summerofresistance · 02/07/2019 17:51

Who even takes a toddler in the quiet coach? Are there 2-year-olds who sit in silence, ever?

Blame the bloody train companies, not the parents!

When you book online, you can tick if you want the quiet carriage, but you can't tick that you DON'T want the quiet carriage.

Why on earth do they put 2 yr olds in the quiet carriage, I don't know.

I'd tick "not quiet" every time if I could.

Ellyess · 02/07/2019 17:52

I don't think it was PP exactly but it had a lot of attention. At charity lunch on the lawn about 100 people there, mother, beautifully posed in very flowery dress, feeding toddler in buggy, lots of loud "Darling eat nice carrots" etc and looking around at everyone else, spooning carrot mush into child which is screaming. Elegant mother absolutely ignoring the fact that he has two huge candle sticks of thick green snot from nose to lips as she pushes the spoon in.

squooz · 02/07/2019 17:56

What jamoncrumpets said - including the biting - my 2 ye old asd nonstop earsplitting tantrum if he bit and got told off - so this would be preferable- annoying but preferable.

“It probably sounds like I am performance parenting my 4yo DS when I am out and about, but he is autistic so I have to speak loudly and clearly so that he understands, with a lot of verbal reinforcements and commentary on what he is doing. So if we were in that coach with you now I can guarantee you would think I am performance parenting when actually I am just parenting my autistic child in the best way I know how.“

EdWinchester · 02/07/2019 18:00

Eurgh. I hate this.

I had the recent bad luck to sit opposite 2 blokes and a charming 2 year old on a train. Poor boy was misfortunately named Wolf, so I’d already judged before the incredibly loud parenting began. I was murderous after 30 minutes and had to move.

Ellyess · 02/07/2019 18:02

madcatladyforever
Some people just don't care about other people. Yup. You get the hit the nail on the head trophy. I have a sneaky feeling I'm becoming a miserable old git because I feel as if there are more and more people out there who just don't care about others. Like an epidemic. I'm becoming a recluse .
I think i'm still on the topic as I think the toddler's mum ought to take a small child into the ordinary carriage not the quiet one. What did she thing "quiet" meant? Selfish tart person.

Ellyess · 02/07/2019 18:04

blooming spelly thing - thinK not thing

Ellyess · 02/07/2019 18:05

EdWinchester. But what did they say?

LaurieMarlow · 02/07/2019 18:06

actually I am just parenting my autistic child in the best way I know how

This is the absolute crux of it for me.

This is what the vast, vast majority of parents are doing here. SEN kids or not. Doing their best for their child, parenting them as best as they can. And there should be nothing but praise for that.

But no. The nasty fuckers on this thread are there with the eye rolls and the looks and the judgement, because you have the temerity to speak loudly or something or talk about something educational.

And don’t get me started on that official MN page. I’m going to complain about that.

AllBirthdaysMatter · 02/07/2019 18:09

I did think that MN calling a PP a twat would not go down very well, I am amazed that no one has been incensed by it earlier Grin

wildchild554 · 02/07/2019 18:16

Might be in the quiet coach due to sensory processing disorder of some sort, could be can't cope with lots going on and could be she's desperately trying to distract him and keep him calm to avoid a meltdown.

Ellyess · 02/07/2019 18:18

piedmontpepper
I really don't get what the issue is that people have with children using tablets

I agree! I can't make out why there's this snobbery about not liking them and attitude of "naice people don't use them". OK they might become a bit overused, but on a train journey they come into their own! I suppose the snobby people who don't like them would prefer the children to read books? Well what about Kindle?

I've seen so many great things on iPads for kids. They learn so much. Plus a long journey can't be spent looking at trees the whole time!
sorry I've just arrived

BusyEmz · 02/07/2019 18:19

Smile sounds like a good idea 😂😂😂Cake If only.

Jaxhog · 02/07/2019 18:19

Wow they should NOT be in the quiet coach!! I’d ask if they’re aware they’re in the quiet coach.

You've obviously never been in the quiet coach outside of rush hour. This is normal (and infuriating).

MsTSwift · 02/07/2019 18:39

Fgs. Like you wouldn’t have sniggered at the impromptu tap dancing or swimming pool press ups. Don’t believe it for a second! Strangers often “judge” - the horrors. I don’t give a hoot what randoms think judge away. My sister was enjoying finishing her wine in a train station bar after waving her friend off. A couple arrived and were covertly watching her she heard the chap say “yep definitely stood up” . She wanted to put them right but couldn’t be bothered as she would have appeared bonkers