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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I suspect I probably am... husband gently criticised my hygiene around the washing up.

166 replies

SilkClayFlowers · 01/07/2019 09:17

My dh works ridiculously long hours in a high octane and high skilled job. I’m currently working only one day a week and look after are two dc aged 14 m and 6yrs. So rightly I also do all the housework given the circumstances.

I found dh yesterday doing the washing up and as this is so rare my passive aggressive senses started tingling and I asked him why.

He said the kitchen and sink area were disgusting and he had to give it a proper clean. He had a point. The weekend was especially hectic (he was away working for most of it) and I hadn’t really cleaned it since Friday night!

My AIBU is that I was trying to explain the constant drudgery of just keeping the house basically ok means I can’t do I deep clean just on a whim like him because I’m constantly firefighting e.g alway putting cushions back on sofa, wiping up could spills, the endless, bloody endless laundry!! If I had the time I’d love nothing more than to stick on some headphones, have some alone time and crack on with the deep cleaning.

Anyway, as I said I suspect given the circumstances of having a dh who apart from this never complains when the house is a tip that I might be unreasonable!

OP posts:
1crazyyear · 01/07/2019 13:44

YANBU OP.

As Pps have said, it's all in the tone. Today my DH finished work early and so he cleaned the kitchen as he saw it needed doing. I was delighted.

Another time I found him cleaning the sink with waves of anger coming off him because he also said it was disgusting - and that day I'd cleaned the bathroom, sorted through boxes from moving, fixed dishwasher, spent hours gardening and taken DC to appointments. It was all in the tone, he did the cleaning with an air of judgement - a total contrast from today. We talked about it and now it's resolved.

MaryMcCarthy · 01/07/2019 13:44

Unless she’d been shitting in it it really can’t have, in just over a day though? Nothing to do with “mumsnet logic”, whatever the fuck that is.

Mumsnet logic states that whatever the problem, if it's possible to blame the man, then the man will be blamed. And he'll probably be called abusive and controlling as well, regardless of the facts.

In this case it's for calling something disgusting, granted a subjective description, albeit one that his own wife agreed with. So why the need to dispute it?

marnzstar · 01/07/2019 13:46

Maybe you have feelings of guilt when he does something like this because you feel that because he works so hard it is your duty to keep the house perfect. Maybe if you let this go and say to yourself - I am doing the best I can with what I have right now - and just appreciate it when DH helps. Try not to feel guilty that you're not keeping up and try not to get offended when he uses words like "disgusting". Tell him you're doing the best you can and thank you for helping out. You could also ask him to maybe do some deep cleaning more often if he doesn't mind because your job is to fight fires and you're feeling slightly overwhelmed and quite frankly bored shitless with the monotony of it all. I am sure he will understand. :)

MrsMiggins37 · 01/07/2019 13:49

IMumsnet logic states that whatever the problem, if it's possible to blame the man, then the man will be blamed.*

Really? More often I see people falling over themselves to praise men for doing something very minor and trivial that women usually do without even being noticed. Such as cleaning an ordinarily dirty sink, in fact.

MaryMcCarthy · 01/07/2019 13:52

Surely with this uh-may-zing oh so busy and important job he can afford a cleaner to meet his exacting standards? I mean heaven forbid his unpaid skivvy doesn’t come up to scratch!

While he’s at it I’d ask him to pay for a day in nursery for the baby too so you can get a bit of time off.

Here's an example of Mumsnet logic - I love responses like these. You don't need any level of understanding about the couple, their arrangements, their finances or their relationship before you start proffering absurd, sneering, chip-on-shoulder, subtle-as-a-sledgehammer advice, do you?

Seriously though, the amount of advice on here that is rooted in bitterness, adversarial sexism, divisiveness, ignorance and inferiority is really quite sad.

Sakura7 · 01/07/2019 13:59

I'm not seeing bitterness here Mary, I'm seeing roughly half of the responses (if even) saying they understand the OP's point of view, because the tone and language used was judgemental.

1crazyyear There seems to be a pattern emerging here with men like this and sinks (BIL is the same). What's that about?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 01/07/2019 14:10

If my DH notices the toilet needs cleaning, he cleans it. Same with the oven.
I never realised he was an abusive bastard who I can't possibly live up to his exacting standards and he's treating me like an unpaid skivvy.
Thanks MN, I shall be leaving him forthwith.

iseveryusernametakenorwhat · 01/07/2019 14:10

Yanbu.

My dh came home tonight and said 'did you see I did the dishes for you this morning?' I felt like whacking him with the frying pan. I said 'for me? They were your dishes too'. And then he says 'oh I just meant I was trying to help you'. At that point I got pissed off and told him I wasn't going to thank him for doing basic shit around his own house. Gives me the fucking rage.

Sakura7 · 01/07/2019 14:16

deydododatdodontdeydo

Does he just do it, or pointedly tell you how disgusting it is?

MrsMiggins37 · 01/07/2019 14:20

Here's an example of Mumsnet logic - I love responses like these. You don't need any level of understanding about the couple, their arrangements, their finances or their relationship before you start proffering absurd, sneering, chip-on-shoulder, subtle-as-a-sledgehammer advice, do you?

Maybe it’s because it’s always oh so predictable how important the man is and how uh-may-zing his job is, how soooooo hard he works and makes soooooo much more money than the wee wifey and she can be the household drudge. So common and so fucking depressing. You don’t need to know anything about the couple to know that that’s how it always is on here when people post such things.

MrsMiggins37 · 01/07/2019 14:22

But that’s fine, you carry on putting a man on a pedestal just because he WASHES HIS OWN FUCKING DISHES. I am thankful I have higher standards in my choice of partner.

PuppyMonkey · 01/07/2019 14:29

You okay, Mary?Grin

deydododatdodontdeydo · 01/07/2019 14:33

Does he just do it, or pointedly tell you how disgusting it is?

OPs DH just did it quietly and only said it was disgusting when she asked why he was doing it.

1crazyyear · 01/07/2019 14:38

@deydododatdodontdeydo

I know the actual percentages are debated but isn't a huge amount of communication non verbal? It's easy to sell if someone is cross.

Also, if you asked your DP why he'd done it, do you think he'd tell you it was disgusting?

1crazyyear · 01/07/2019 14:38

Tell not sell!

deydododatdodontdeydo · 01/07/2019 14:42

Also, if you asked your DP why he'd done it, do you think he'd tell you it was disgusting?

If it was disgusting then yes he would. Again, OP said he had a point. But MN thinks better, it can't possibly have been disgusting despite OP saying he had a point.

1crazyyear · 01/07/2019 14:57

I guess it's all in the delivery of "disgusting" and whether it's said crossly or neutrally

I'm sure it was a bit dirty

1crazyyear · 01/07/2019 15:16

By the way I've come back from shops and my DP has done loads more housework, I'm so happy. He didn't say it was disgusting (though maybe it was!)

To test the hypothesis I asked why he'd cleaned and he looked at me like I was mad and said he had some extra time so why not do it? No judgement!

MaryMcCarthy · 01/07/2019 15:35

Maybe it’s because it’s always oh so predictable how important the man is and how uh-may-zing his job is, how soooooo hard he works and makes soooooo much more money than the wee wifey and she can be the household drudge. So common and so fucking depressing. You don’t need to know anything about the couple to know that that’s how it always is on here when people post such things.

You clearly have a real inferiority complex and come across as very bitter indeed, with a massive chip on your shoulder. If you want to be as "important" as the men you're berating, then maybe you should cut down on the childish sneering online?

I don't know what's happened in your life or what horrible men you've been involved with but you should stop taking out your negativity on here, because you might influence someone into doing something inappropriate or that they might regret.

herculepoirot2 · 01/07/2019 15:50

If you want to be as "important" as the men you're berating, then maybe you should cut down on the childish sneering online?

I am really straining to see the logic here.

Sakura7 · 01/07/2019 16:11

Mary, you clearly haven't read or understood MrsMiggins37's posts. I don't see any evidence to suggest she sees herself as inferior to a man or has an inferiority complex. Seems like a bit of projection going on here.

Pa1oma · 01/07/2019 16:27

I think this is one of those situations where you just had to be there tbh.

strivingtosucceed · 01/07/2019 16:51

I've worked long hours at a high octane job and can honestly say that even as a messy person, i'd not be happy to come back to a dirty house. Bearing in mind that there's a difference between the two.

OP as hard it can be with two young kids, I think it's important to keep the kitchen and living room areas clean as much possible. Those are two areas where negligence quickly spiral out of control and the task at hand becomes particularly arduous. Areas like the bedrooms and bathrooms, your DP would be a lot more likely to help keep tidy.

herculepoirot2 · 01/07/2019 17:01

OP as hard it can be with two young kids, I think it's important to keep the kitchen and living room areas clean as much possible. Those are two areas where negligence quickly spiral out of control and the task at hand becomes particularly arduous. Areas like the bedrooms and bathrooms, your DP would be a lot more likely to help keep tidy.

You really can’t say things like this with any credibility. You know nothing about their living space, where the mess is coming from (what if it’s him?), what her commitments are during the day, how hard or easy her toddler is to care for etc.

If you wouldn’t be happy coming home to a bit of mess occasionally, you should really employ someone to clean for you. Life isn’t that cut and dried.

MrsMiggins37 · 01/07/2019 20:01

@MaryMcCarthy you are a complete idiot.

Inferiority complex
“Horrible men”

Hahahahahahahaha