I suspect I probably am... husband gently criticised my hygiene around the washing up.

[SilkClayFlowers]

My dh works ridiculously long hours in a high octane and high skilled job. I’m currently working only one day a week and look after are two dc aged 14 m and 6yrs. So rightly I also do all the housework given the circumstances.

I found dh yesterday doing the washing up and as this is so rare my passive aggressive senses started tingling and I asked him why.

He said the kitchen and sink area were disgusting and he had to give it a proper clean. He had a point. The weekend was especially hectic (he was away working for most of it) and I hadn’t really cleaned it since Friday night!

My AIBU is that I was trying to explain the constant drudgery of just keeping the house basically ok means I can’t do I deep clean just on a whim like him because I’m constantly firefighting e.g alway putting cushions back on sofa, wiping up could spills, the endless, bloody endless laundry!! If I had the time I’d love nothing more than to stick on some headphones, have some alone time and crack on with the deep cleaning.

Anyway, as I said I suspect given the circumstances of having a dh who apart from this never complains when the house is a tip that I might be unreasonable!

My DH is crap at the washing up, I tell him that he must rinse as the dishes are still crusty.
I wash them again if they’re not right. Same with counter, sink area, he doesn’t do it fully.
Folk have different standards with house jobs, I think, and sometimes you can’t get to it all...

@TheInvestigator That's just more "you have the same 24 hours as Beyoncé" bollocks, even though I'm sure you didn't mean it that way. If a house is empty all day then it doesn't need much to keep it going.

tashac89

I’m with you. I may of purposely left things undone a couple of times because I know it’ll irritate him and he’ll do a deep clean!

He hardly ever does as he works long hours and I do all the dc, house, pets stuff. It’s fine, I actually quite enjoy cleaning. Once in a while, I just need a break from it all.

When he cleans, he does a proper job as it’s his only focus. I have other things, dc ( toddler twins), pets etc distracting me so I do a rush job

@AlansLeftMoob
Did you miss the part where I said I've been a single mum for 5 years? My youngest was still a baby and my oldest was 2. I still worked full time (I'm a jeweller and my studio is at home, so I looked after the kids during the day and when they were asleep, I worked 9 hours and then went to bed myself). House was never empty during the day. I still kept it clean. Running a house and keeping it clean is not a job. And being a sahm with no job to go to at night means that house should be clean.

It's hard to understand the mindset of someone who hasn't cleaned their kitchen and sink justifying it by saying they were putting cushions away and cleaning up spills. It's just utterly facile and transparent. Using laundry as an excuse too... you put it in the machine and don't have to do anything for hours. Were you putting cushions back on the sofa that whole time?

The mindset and motivation for posting this ridiculous situation starts to make sense when you see the replies Mumsnet offers up... the husband is passive aggressive, abusive, controlling, angry, "look at me!", etc... all because he felt the need to clean his own sink! You lot are truly beyond parody sometimes.

"He needs to do more!"...
in response to a story of him literally doing more.

"well then PITCH IN AND HELP!!!!!"....

in response to a story of him literally pitching in and helping.

Plenty of people do find it disgusting coming home to sink and kitchen that haven't been cleaned for days - just cleaned, enough of this 'deep clean' nonsense. It's not like he even made a fuss. He only commented when asked what he was doing, and was honest.

This is the latest in a long line of mumsnet posts by women looking for excuses and justification for their own laziness, which unsurprisingly descends into criticism of the man.

Dis you feel judged and under appreciated ? Is there a reason you felt this way ? Does he have an attitude about how you don’t work as hard as he does and takes full credit when he does a 5 min deep clean ?

That's the other thing... the suggestion that he doesn't realise how much work you do. Do you know that categorically?

You assume that he thinks there's little work to do at home? You think he's unaware of the demands of raising children? Have you even asked him whether he knows how much you do? What makes you think he's unaware?

Is it because he doesn't thank you enough? Do you specifically thank him for working when he returns after his long days? It's properly depressing to think of relationships being as transactional and formal as this. What's wrong with proper, adult communication?

I think I sort of understand OP. My DH does this sometimes and it can leave me feeling like no matter how much house work I do, there’s always one job he’ll fixate on that I haven’t gotten around to and he’ll get pissy about having to do it. He does said job though and whilst it makes me feel taken for a granted a bit I just leave him to it, unless he gets really unreasonable in his behaviour.

This weekend was a good example, Saturday I got up early with our 20mo twins, sorted them, got their breakfast, put on a load of the never ending laundry, sorted out the dry washing, did the pots, swept and mopped the floors, whilst DH sat in the living room with the twins whilst they ate.

When they’d finished we both played with them and then I sorted their lunch, took the washing outside to hang up to dry, cut the grass and then we took the twins upstairs for their nap.

Whilst they were napping DH noticed the bin needed emptying and he huffed and said “I’ll do that as well shall I?” After he had only sat with the twins whilst they ate, played with them, changed their nappies and helped me get them down for their naps.

I just looked at him like he’d grown an extra head 😂 then after he’d sorted the bin he came into the living room and sat down. I asked did he honestly feel like he’d done the majority of the work that morning and he responded with a sheepish “no”. I then said I could have responded very nastily to his “I’ll do that as well shall I?” snipe and he agreed I could have and thanked me for not doing so.

Most of the time my DH is very hands on and we will split the housework at the weekends but I think the heat got to him this weekend making him a snarky git! Doesn’t make them arseholes or anything but it can be a bit shit to deal with sometimes!

All these people saying how effortless the laundry is must have a laundry fairy, I think. I don't, and whilst I agree that stuffing it all into the washing machine is quick and easy, I find that hanging each item out to dry (over a hundred items per load if you have small children with small clothes) and then matching socks and sorting the laundry to go in different cupboards and drawers, can be very time consuming. I get it, OP. The laundry is relentless!

Yeah the laundry is time consuming. There's more to it than sticking it in the machine and pushing a button.

Navi well done for keeping your cool. That would send me raging

yes theconstantinoplegardener! I feel like half my life is laundry at the moment (small pukey baby).

So the sink area missed out on a proper clean for one day and your DH described it as disgusting? I'd feel quite offended by that to be honest. Is your DH always so fastidious?

Yabu. With those aged kids and only 1 day of work theres no excuse the sink should be disgusting. He cleaned it up himself so not like he asked you to do it. Besides doesnt the sink get cleaned everyday. Nothing more disgusting than a filthy toilet or sink.

Because he lives there too? Because it's his sink too?

He literally never does it, to the extent that the OP was shocked to see him doing it.

People are really struggling with this one.

I am shocked. So many people berating the OP, who works one day and has a toddler and a school aged child. Whether or not the sink is disgusting is the least of her concerns when she is doing ALL the childcare and ALL the housework.

I am also one to become defensive, unfairly, at situations like this. I've learnt that it's guilt from not doing it when I know full well I've had the time to. So I realise that and move on, and yes a thank you is fine.

Some right plonkers on here. “No excuse for a dirty sink” - there is.

My husband left for work this morning, so about 5 hours ago. I cleaned up after breakfast, wiped down the sink, did the surfaces, swept and hoovered. Then we got dressed. I did some more housework (laundry and bathroom) between looking for something my child had lost and having a coffee/changing a nappy/doing hair/packing a change bag etc. We went out to get some food and have a walk. We came in, I made lunch, we ate lunch together, the stuff has just been washed up, child did a poo, and hey presto, the sink needs cleaning again. It will get done, but I am going to sit down and have a cup of tea while my child tries to go down for a nap before I worry about it. Later we are going out.

It’s called life.

I’ve told myself I’m allowed to have a not so clean house during the day except at three points :

1- morning
2- when DH comes home
3- before I go to sleep.

In between, house can be a disaster for all I care. I’ll jjst put away stuff when I feel like it otherwise I will focus on DS.

WhT helps with the sink is to keep the disaasher empty in the morning or the night before.

So things go straight there and you just need to give the sink a quick wipe at some point in the day to prevent accumulation.

But hey ho, my sink looks like a disaster sometimes because things don’t always go to plan.

Don’t worry OP, mother guilt eats at us but truth is, you are probably overworked and are doing fabulous

Why use the word 'gently'?

I’d just let it go over your head. He cleaned it, end of. It can’t have got to “disgusting” levels of dirt between Friday night and Sunday though, so was it really that bad?

OP reports that husband called the kitchen and sink "disgusting"...

OP states that "he had a point"...

Various responses on Mumsnet claim that it "can't have been disgusting"...

Mumsnet logic there... never change, people.

Also at 14mo your toddler is probably having regression and teething issues which eats T your energy. Soon around 15-17 months they will nap for longer stretches and you can make use of that time to stay on top of what you need to do.

I’d cut myself some slack. Will go and hug DP and say thanks for cleaning the sink, I’ve been wanting to clean it but have no energy as I’m not getting much time for myself and I’m hoping my toddler gets into a better routine so I can cope. But until then I need you to cut me some slack.

Surely with this uh-may-zing oh so busy and important job he can afford a cleaner to meet his exacting standards? I mean heaven forbid his unpaid skivvy doesn’t come up to scratch!

While he’s at it I’d ask him to pay for a day in nursery for the baby too so you can get a bit of time off.

Various responses on Mumsnet claim that it "can't have been disgusting"..

Unless she’d been shitting in it it really can’t have, in just over a day though? Nothing to do with “mumsnet logic”, whatever the fuck that is.

i think by the sounds of it, youve took offence and assume he thinks your cleaning is not good enough. I think you DH actually just thought "she hasnt had the time, ill do it for her" instead. I think youve took it the wrong way, but i can see how youve thought that because its something i would think to