I suspect I probably am... husband gently criticised my hygiene around the washing up.

[SilkClayFlowers]

My dh works ridiculously long hours in a high octane and high skilled job. I’m currently working only one day a week and look after are two dc aged 14 m and 6yrs. So rightly I also do all the housework given the circumstances.

I found dh yesterday doing the washing up and as this is so rare my passive aggressive senses started tingling and I asked him why.

He said the kitchen and sink area were disgusting and he had to give it a proper clean. He had a point. The weekend was especially hectic (he was away working for most of it) and I hadn’t really cleaned it since Friday night!

My AIBU is that I was trying to explain the constant drudgery of just keeping the house basically ok means I can’t do I deep clean just on a whim like him because I’m constantly firefighting e.g alway putting cushions back on sofa, wiping up could spills, the endless, bloody endless laundry!! If I had the time I’d love nothing more than to stick on some headphones, have some alone time and crack on with the deep cleaning.

Anyway, as I said I suspect given the circumstances of having a dh who apart from this never complains when the house is a tip that I might be unreasonable!

Next time Op just leave him to it.

So he was doing the washing up & when asked why said the sink & kitchen were disgusting??

Well Ok then, if he thinks it needs doing then of course he should do it.

Like anyone does when they have the time.

The OP said it is so rare for her husband to wash dishes that she actually questioned him about why he was doing it.
Can people stop suggesting he just “pitches in”? How many of us would comment on our DH washing up?

@newmomof1 Women on here would HATE my DH! The most he does it wash up now & again maybe baths the baby every 3 months 🤣

I don’t think it’s ever really right that one person does all the household stuff. It creates an imbalance in the relationship.

It doesn’t need to be 50/50, it can reflect different workloads. If someone is not working or working less due to child-rearing/studying/illness/caring/job-hunting, then that needs to be given equal respect. Those are valuable things to do and there needs to be the capacity to devote proper time, energy and effort to that.

As you are working less than him, it’s right maybe that you do more round the house, but not that you do it all. If he really has no time/capacity to contribute, then he’s an outsource and pay for a cleaner.

Sounds like he feels he can supervise/performance manage your household work. Which could mean he thinks he;s your superior. Watch that one.

YABU but I can see why you would be a little defensive too, also he should be doing some housework, obviously if you're there more you would do the bulk but not absolutely everything

YABU. When my children were small DH was the SAHP and I occasionally started cleaning the minute I came through the door, for instance because the floor was too dirty for a crawling baby to be in contact with.
I remember explaining that it wasn't intended as a criticism and he never took it as such. We all need help sometimes.

No big deal here at all. He saw something was dirty so cleaned it. At least he didn’t demand you do it.

If he is that high octane and skilled he can buy you a dishwasher and pay for a cleaner to come in for a few hours a week!

Also, you asked why he was doing it. I suspect if you didn’t ask, he’d never have even mentioned the fact he did it.

YABU

he didn't complain and asked you to do anything, he just got on with it.
House chores should be split depending on the hours work, so 50/50 when you both work full time and have equal hours and commute, or proportional to the amount spent home.

Isn't your 6 years old at school? Unless there's a massive back story, there's no reason why you can't keep on top of things with just a 1 year old at home.

More for your own sanity and peace, you shouldn't need to be constantly cleaning and fighting to keep on top of things, you need a different method.

What works for me is to be done with chores by 8 or 9am, and I hate mess, clutter and dirt. Life is far too short to spend the day cleaning!

I think if he'd said "I saw this needed doing so I got on with it", or just did it without comment, there wouldn't be a problem.

It was the indirect criticism of the OP's ability to keep it clean that stings.

If I worked one day a week, with one child at home and another at school (actually, been there), then I'd definitely have a clean kitchen. Sorry OP.

Why on earth haven’t you got a dishwasher?.

If you make a big deal of him cleaning the sink now, how likely do you think it is that he will do anything in the house next time?
Just appreciate it and encourage him to do more.

I have no idea whether you are BU - depends exactly how he said it and what he meant by it. The word "disgusting" is quite strong and seems tactless when referring to something you usually clean, and which the two of you see as your "job" to keep clean.

On the other hand, you did ASK him why he was cleaning the sink; he didn't come out with it spontaneously. If you suspect he is being passive aggressive then I wouldn't indulge any sulky behaviour in that way. His actual actions were totally appropriate: quietly getting on with doing a job which he felt needed doing. Maybe you can just leave him to do it?

Our kitchen has gone off this week. We've hardly been in the house except to eat and sleep; no time to clean anything and just about kept on top of the dishwasher so we have plates to eat off. Sometimes we're busy giving our kids memories that the house and other areas of our lives take a back seat and get a bit out of control.

My husband cleaned the kitchen last night and I was just so happy (don't think he was doing it in a passive agressive way, he just did it). I said it had made a huge difference to how I felt about the coming week and I really appreciated that he'd done it and that I didn't have to.

And: Laundry. I hear you.

@mrvsmrs same with my OH 🤣 but shhh don't let anyone else on here know, they'll all be telling us to LTB 🤦🏼‍♀️

Get a cleaner every Friday afternoon.

And again on Tuesday morning.

My DP does this, he'll get a bee in his bonnet about something and start complaining whilst clearing/cleaning.

It used to really piss me of and feel pretty passive aggressive - now I just leave him too it and don't let it bother me. Means I don't have to do whatever he's decide need doing immediately.

Ha! My husband does this. He does chip in but works a lot (I'm part time) so it's not exactly 50/50. I firefight like the OP but hardly ever have time to do a deep clean, and sometimes he gets wound up about stuff like the sink area and says stuff like "this is disgusting!" and does a fury clean. It used to piss me off because I took it as criticism and thought that he didn't think I was doing enough, but I've learnt to chill out and let him get on with it. I know how much I do, and if he thinks something else needs doing and is happy (sort of) to do it, I let him crack on. At least it'll be clean. I can see both sides here and I don't think anyone's being particularly unreasonable.

Has he ever looked after the DC for a couple of days? He probably thinks you are relaxing with endless cups of coffee.

If you want to do a deep clean, he could take the DC out for the day.

Sometimes we're busy giving our kids memories

I can assure you that it's perfectly possible to give your kids memories and have a clean house. If you are not there, HOW does your house even get dirty?!

He saw it was dirty, so cleaned it. The bastard.

OK - so 'high octane job' and 'ridiculously long hours' goes with with someone who likes a high level of control. If you know he's passive aggressive and acts out his anger like this, then you know yourself what's going on.
Saying the sink was 'disgusting' is like an insult to be fair. What he is really saying is 'I feel helpless when I am away from my high octane job and so sometimes I take it out on the people around me by making snarky remarks about how much work I take up on myself and then resent others for my choices'.

What do you mean he doesn’t notice your constant drudgery?

Does he criticise you and ask what you’ve been doing all day?

Or do you want to be praised and thanked for doing what you do?

Did he criticise you for not having done the kitchen or was he just answering your question when you asked him what he was doing and after he cleaned it he moved on? Or did he expect praise and thanks for it?

If he just did a job that’s needed doing and moved on I can’t see why you’d be upset.

Sounds like you’re fed up and need a break. Can you ask your DH to take over for a nap afternoon or something so you can have a rest or something?
Or maybe sit down a be allocate some household chores with your dh as it’s hard looking after a baby and young child and sorting out the housework etc