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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I suspect I probably am... husband gently criticised my hygiene around the washing up.

166 replies

SilkClayFlowers · 01/07/2019 09:17

My dh works ridiculously long hours in a high octane and high skilled job. I’m currently working only one day a week and look after are two dc aged 14 m and 6yrs. So rightly I also do all the housework given the circumstances.

I found dh yesterday doing the washing up and as this is so rare my passive aggressive senses started tingling and I asked him why.

He said the kitchen and sink area were disgusting and he had to give it a proper clean. He had a point. The weekend was especially hectic (he was away working for most of it) and I hadn’t really cleaned it since Friday night!

My AIBU is that I was trying to explain the constant drudgery of just keeping the house basically ok means I can’t do I deep clean just on a whim like him because I’m constantly firefighting e.g alway putting cushions back on sofa, wiping up could spills, the endless, bloody endless laundry!! If I had the time I’d love nothing more than to stick on some headphones, have some alone time and crack on with the deep cleaning.

Anyway, as I said I suspect given the circumstances of having a dh who apart from this never complains when the house is a tip that I might be unreasonable!

OP posts:
AnotherNightWatering · 01/07/2019 10:29

"the endless, bloody endless laundry"
Can't you reduce this, by washing everything less? Wear everything twice as long, and you halve the laundry...
Why shouldn't he clean the sink?

Lweji · 01/07/2019 10:32

If you want to do a deep clean, he could take the DC out for the day.

Or...

Give him the deep cleaning job and go out with the kids.
My favourite option. Grin

MissRhubarb · 01/07/2019 10:32

Choice of words: he could have said, "Just giving this a clean".There's a lot of judgement in the word "disgusting". Everything is about tone of voice with this sort of thing too and what that conveys.

If this was happening a lot, then I think you'd be right to be bothered by it. Those kind of comments can chip away at you and be a sign of a bigger problem. But you say he's normally fine? If these comments were happening a lot, then what this poster said could be spot on:

ReanimatedSGB Mon 01-Jul-19 09:40:03
It sounds like his attitude was less 'Oh, that's a job that needs doing so I will do it' and more, much more 'Look at me, I work so hard to provide for my family and the lazy cow I married can't even keep up with the dishes so I, poor underappreciated hard working Important Man, must wash some dishes. And I'm not going to shut up about it until she's on her knees in gratitude.'

It is completely possible to convey what SGB says there in a few chosen words and tone of voice. My ex-H was a master at this unfortunately.

Beechview · 01/07/2019 10:40

Well if he thought it was disgusting, he should just get on with it.
Never take these incidents as criticism. You didn’t need to get defensive about it as he should be doing his share too.

noonarna · 01/07/2019 10:40

You both sound stressed and tired. In situations like these, give each other the benefit of the doubt.

AlaskanOilBaron · 01/07/2019 10:43

I'm normally quite happy to see my husband cleaning the sink.

When my kids were babies/toddlers and I was at home with them I found it incredibly hard to stay on top of the house. It absolutely wrecked my head, my husband didn't care. It's entirely possible that you're projecting here.

Mayday19 · 01/07/2019 10:45

Newmomof1 I'm not bashing the husband. I'm pointing out that looking after two small children is a busy job in itself. I'd expect some cleaning to go with that but not a full on 100% falling to the OP - who also works, and doesn't seem to get time off at weekends if her husband is at work then too. It's hardly the same as having two teenagers or no children at all in terms of how much time you have to clean.

Snoozysnoozy · 01/07/2019 10:46

Classic mumsnet example of a bloke that can't do right for doing wrong.

MrsHarveySpecterV · 01/07/2019 10:49

YABU. The sink shouldn't be 'disgusting' if you only work one day and have a 1 year old at home. I assume your 6 year old is in school. Unless you have some sort of disability or something else going on it shouldn't be that difficult to keep the house clean.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 01/07/2019 10:50

YABU. Funny someone said about the DH being passive aggressive when in the OP she said she was passive aggressive.

or just did it without comment, there wouldn't be a problem.

Er, he did do it without comment until her "passive aggressive senses started tingling" and she asked him why.
In what universe is doint he washing up because it needs doing passive aggressive?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 01/07/2019 10:54

Seaweed42

Wow, just wow.
So now he's acting out his anger? Grin
And the rest of your riduculous conjectrure - projection maybe?

AlansLeftMoob · 01/07/2019 10:54

He was doing the washing up and I asked him why?

Because he lives there too? Because it's his sink too?

GetUpAgain · 01/07/2019 10:54

You hadn't cleaned your sink since Friday and by Sunday it was disgusting? Are you sure? I mean I just kind of wipe the sink when I wash up I suppose. It doesn't need deep cleaning daily... Don't get too stressed about cleaning your sink.

Can I gently add that you could work full time and have an amazing career if you want to - do what you need to be be fulfilled because being in 2nd place to husband high octane career sounds like recipe for depression. You are allowed to have a fantastic life.

Sakura7 · 01/07/2019 11:01

YABU. The sink shouldn't be 'disgusting' if you only work one day and have a 1 year old at home.

It's highly unlikely that the sink was disgusting if it was cleaned on Friday though. Seems like the DH has unusually high standards.

ScatteredMama82 · 01/07/2019 11:03

God there are some really bitter women on here. A man cleaned something without being asked. He said sink needed cleaning. Wife actually agreed it was pretty minging. He didn't make a song and dance about it, he didn't tell wife she was useless. However, read between the lines as per MN usual, and the DH is a bastard, thinks he's too important to clean, wife is a doormat....

Back to the real world - I do most of the housework. DH is away mon-fri so that is unavoidable. However, when he comes home at the weekend and I find he's cleared off the worktops to give them a good wash, or has emptied the kitchen so he can mop the floor, I think 'bloody brilliant, one less thing for me to do'. I don't think 'oh my god, he thinks I should have had this done already, he thinks I let the kitchen get in a disgusting mess'. That's just paranoid, and a bit bonkers.

Iris1654 · 01/07/2019 11:04

Maybe Ex DH would do stuff like that.
He would spend half an hour reorganising the plastic cupboard. Then lecture me on how great he was as he done a proper job. “ this is how it should look” etc etc.

Very annoying.

SagAloojah · 01/07/2019 11:07

I get it, OP. I do 99% of the dishes and it pisses me off when H complains there’s dishes piled up.

If he did them 50% if the time I would be more I would be more inclined to give a shot about him opinion.

stucknoue · 01/07/2019 11:08

Sounds familiar. I got a cleaner once I worked more hours which helped. Nobody noticed the 15+ hours I spent doing housework, just anything I missed!

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 01/07/2019 11:13

Classic mumsnet example of a bloke that can't do right for doing wrong

indeed

53rdWay · 01/07/2019 11:16

Women on here would HATE my DH! The most he does it wash up now & again maybe baths the baby every 3 months 🤣

‘Hate’ is a bit strong but he does sound pretty useless. Mind you if you’re happy running round after a bloke who does less housework than my 5-year-old, crack on I suppose!

BrendasUmbrella · 01/07/2019 11:20

With two teenagers (assuming they have no special needs) and only working one day a week I can understand his frustration that you can't keep on top of the housework.

A 14 and 16 year old shouldn't need constant firefighting... At their ages they should be putting out their own fires. You shouldn't even have to hear about spills, let alone rush in to deal with them.

BrendasUmbrella · 01/07/2019 11:21

*That's what I get for trying to read without my contacts in! 14 months and 6 years is a different kettle of fish!

tomatostottie · 01/07/2019 11:22

Eh? He saw something was dirty and cleaned it up. You asked why and he said it was disgusting and he had to give it a proper clean.
At least he didn't waltz in like my ex and say the kitchen is dirty and needs cleaning and then sat on the sofa expecting me to do it.

Can#t stand men who complain that the house isn't clean enough while not doing a single thing to keep it clean because they are soooo important with their important jobs (and their many hobbies).
If they lived on their own they would have to do all of this on top of their jobs and anything else they wanted to do in their free time.

TheInvestigator · 01/07/2019 11:25

I'm a single parent. Ive been a single parent for 5 years. My kids are 6 and 7 and I also work full time.
My kitchen is clean. My bathroom is clean. "Keeping the house running" is a not a job. If I can fit it around a full time job and 2 kids then so can you.

YouJustDoYou · 01/07/2019 11:25

It's the tone and the implication. My dh can do this sometimes. He works away for a week at a time, is home for a few days, then away for another week etc. I have three under 6, and get woken in the nights sometimes, so sometimes I'm just so tired I just can't find it in myself to get the house showhome perfect. Usually dh is fine but sometimes when he's particularly tired or grumpy he'll throw some barbed remarks my way, but I'm not allowed to say anything back because that means "he can't ever discuss anything with me". I just have to walk away and tell him I'll wait until he's had a nap and the passive aggressiveness stops before I talk to him again. Can get very tirying