I suspect I probably am... husband gently criticised my hygiene around the washing up.

[SilkClayFlowers]

My dh works ridiculously long hours in a high octane and high skilled job. I’m currently working only one day a week and look after are two dc aged 14 m and 6yrs. So rightly I also do all the housework given the circumstances.

I found dh yesterday doing the washing up and as this is so rare my passive aggressive senses started tingling and I asked him why.

He said the kitchen and sink area were disgusting and he had to give it a proper clean. He had a point. The weekend was especially hectic (he was away working for most of it) and I hadn’t really cleaned it since Friday night!

My AIBU is that I was trying to explain the constant drudgery of just keeping the house basically ok means I can’t do I deep clean just on a whim like him because I’m constantly firefighting e.g alway putting cushions back on sofa, wiping up could spills, the endless, bloody endless laundry!! If I had the time I’d love nothing more than to stick on some headphones, have some alone time and crack on with the deep cleaning.

Anyway, as I said I suspect given the circumstances of having a dh who apart from this never complains when the house is a tip that I might be unreasonable!

ReanimatedSGB
Has it spot on

My dp does this and "helps" but then acts a martyr afterwards and it pisses me off!

I'm your DH OP. My DH is a SAHD and there are days that I will come home and see that the vacuuming hasn't been done, or the laundry piling up or the dishwasher not stacked, so I will do it. Because it needs doing.

NOT because I don't see that my DH had a hectic day with the school run, helping with the kids homework, doing various DIY around the house, or had a lot of errands to run, but because I DO SEE THAT, which is why I do it myself rather than bitch and moan that it isn't done.

No! Don’t thank your husband for doing basics in his own house
Why not? Should her husband never thank her for the stuff she does around the house?
It's inevitable you feel judged, but seeing as he resolved the problem himself I think yabu, and he wasn't being passive aggressive either.
Laundry and plumping cushions don't take much time, cleaning a sink properly takes 10 minutes at the most, so it does sound like you could be doing more.

Can you get a cleaner? Just to keep on top of things a but and give you a break? Sounds like a bit of a nightmare and I'm not surprised you're feeling a bit on edge.

As for DH cleaning the sink, well I can see how that might have felt like a bit of a slap in the face but honestly, just think of it as one less thing that you have to do and let him get on with it. And tell him that you would have done it yourself if you'd had a second to get round to it.

I'd probably reply that he should do it more often, even if the sink isn't disgusting. But that's probably when he'd think of doing housework if he lived alone anyway. People just have different tolerance levels.

I’m with formerbabe on this

He saw it was dirty, he cleaned it. Bastard! & this...

he said it was so disgusting he had to step in even though he is way to important and has a high octane job
Is utter bullshit. He did no such thing. He simply cleaned something that was dirty and when asked why he said ‘because it was dirty’
FFS

OP if you’re making this all ‘My DH, the hero I’ll do the grunt work because he’s too amazing to have to do it’ that’s down to you. If your idea of a ‘good tine’ Is some free time to deep clean you sound a bit unhinged...but simply tell your DH he’s in charge of the kids for the day so you can crack on. Stop being such a mouse and sort yourself out.

Your DH wasn’t ‘not noticing what you DO, hecwas moticingvwgat hadn’t been done. He wasn’t complaining, he simply got in with it. If you want him to do more, tell him. If you want him to think you’re domestic wife extraordinaire then make sure the house is actually clean. Kitchen hygiene is more important than a few scattered cushions.

I think you’re nuts setting yourself up as domestic goddess to high octane DH, you’d be better to work on something to give you some financial independence, but if domestic godesss floats your boat...that’s your call....but your DH hasn’t done anything wrong doing the washing up/cleaning the kitchen.

Why not? Should her husband never thank her for the stuff she does around the house?

Huge difference between “Thank you for everything you do” and “thank you for putting some bleach down the loo - I didn’t have time”. One is expressing appreciation for a person, the other is thanking someone because they are doing your job for you. It should never be the case in any home that anyone feels doing some dishes and a wipe round after work is the other person’s job.

If you last cleaned it Friday then I highly doubt it was filthy and disgusting after a couple of days. Just because a sink isn't gleaming, doesn't mean you're all going to catch e-coli.

I understand how you feel. You know your DH and you know if he's being passive aggressive about it. However, this way resentment lies so it might be worth a chat about it and trying to each put yourself in the other's shoes.

I don't think saying it's disgusting is a gentle criticism. He should have just cleaned it and when asked said he was just giving the kitchen a once over. I have two young DC about the same age as yours and it is bloody hard to ever do a proper deep clean.

He hasn't criticised. He hasn't said you should have cleaned the sink. The only reason you have the conversation was because you asked him why he was washing up.
There was literally no slight against you at all!
YABU - massively.

He has criticised. He said it was disgusting.

Here's my tip.

Fuck it.

Hth.

Messy kitchen, unwashed plates, not hoovered for a week or dusted for a fortnight.. who gives a shit? It'll not hurt, there's better things to do than worry about meaningless standards of cleanliness imposed by nobody... And that's my justification for being a lazy bum.. 😁

To be honest I’m the reverse
I honestly thought the house self cleaned itself!
Turns out my fella does a lot of it while I’m at work
I do a lot I.e washing clothes cooking meals and my half of the washing up etc but I’ve hoovered twice in 2 years (holding out for a Henry hoover) dust maybe 4 times a year and always make sure we have toothpaste and shampoo etc
I’m sure he feels the same as you-but would rather do it himself

He then basks in the glory of the "glaringly obviously cleaner by comparison " job whilst I crack on with keeping on top of the everyday stuff, grumbling under my breath in a passive aggressive style

This sounds very familiar

My AIBU is that I was trying to explain the constant drudgery of just keeping the house basically ok means I can’t do I deep clean just on a whim like him because I’m constantly firefighting e.g alway putting cushions back on sofa, wiping up could spills, the endless, bloody endless laundry!! If I had the time I’d love nothing more than to stick on some headphones, have some alone time and crack on with the deep cleaning.

What’s the question?

Yabu. In the nicest possible way, ypur kids are 6 and 14 and not toddlers so there is no way that the sink should be dirty. You have plenty of tltime to cleamln throughout the day and your other half ahould not have to do this if you only work one day per week and he works full time.

I get so annoyed when men complain about the house....well then PITCH IN AND HELP!!!!! My dh does this too. He complains about this and that. He used to come home from work, while I am putting the kids to bed and complain about the mess. I would get so angry and tell him I am still putting the kids to bed, I had not had dinner, do you think I have had time to clean the mess? If it bothers you then CLEAN it yourself and help out. Or take over putting the kids to bed and get your butt home earlier.

Beaverdam

14m - just over 1?

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart I think it's 'AIBU for being upset that my husband helps around the house so that I can't post a huge rant about him being shit?'

If you arethe housekeeper, who does he pay to be the childminder?

Beaverdam, I think it's 6 and 14 months

Child 14 months, not 14!

I wouldnt really call cleaning the sink area having to do a deep clean

It is annoying though I am a SAHM other than 2 mornings a week and it does get VERY boring doing the same thing day in and day out!! I usually deep clean on a Sunday when DH has the DC !

If you arethe housekeeper, who does he pay to be the childminder?

Why is everyone husband-bashing?
Men get slated when they help and slated when they don't.

They're either lazy and useless, or a patronising ungrateful martyr 🙄

I get so annoyed when men complain about the house....well then PITCH IN AND HELP!!!!! My dh does this too

Umm, OPs husband didn’t complain, he just pitched in and helped!