When finances change....

[Burrden]

My DH has been made redundant recently. He was earning £200k and we had a fantastic lifestyle - private school for the 2 DC, holidays etc. We own our house outright and have some savings, plus his pay off. I work PT and earn £30k which covers our day to day living expenses (but not school fees or luxuries).
We can continue living our current lifestyle for 2/3 years without DH needing to work.

As a result of the change to our finances I have cut back in certain areas (I did this when we found out that his job was at risk at the beginning of the year) - basically stuck to a budget so i knew we could live on my salary. I have requested additional hours at work but will need to wait until a role comes up - I would earn £50k full time so still not enough to cover school fees but if we don't dip into our savings now we can afford to keep them there until 11 without DH needing to work.

However, DH refuses to cut back AT ALL. Each morning he trots off to a chichi cafe for coffee and breakfast, with his newspaper then goes off to the gym/ music lessons/ tennis/ golf - all things he never had time for when working. I kind of think this is fine for this summer but then he really will need to sit down and face reality. He has worked solidly for 20 years in demanding, long hour jobs, I do not begrudge him time off but he is burning through the same amount of money (if not more) than before.
Meanwhile I make packed lunches, have dropped my own gym membership, the cleaner (he does do some cleaning but it is erratic - some weeks he does none and the next he blitzes the whole house) and other non essential things.
The DC break up from school this week and he keeps saying how great it is that we won't need to pay for holiday childcare (which saves about £1k) but in the next breath he spends £5k on a two week holiday for him and the DC.... we had a week booked already but in Devon and not extravagant.

I guess the issue is that we have never had to worry about money before and now it is an issue we don't seem to be on the same page. If I try to discuss it I get accused of only being with him for his money, which is not at all true (we met through work, I earned the same as him 15yrs ago but - kids, his career took off and so his job took priority).

He is looking for another job but wants to take the time to look for another type of role - I don't actually know what that is! - and I have no problem with him taking time off/ retraining/ whatever as long as he has a plan of sorts and stops spending so much money.

I just feel when we speak it all comes out wrong/ he twists it into me being money grabbing. He also keeps going on about how I have worked PT for the last 8 years and it's about time I went back FT (my youngest only started school last September!) but it isn't that easy to just demand FT hours. I am also now looking for roles in London which are more highly paid than locally (but I wasn't able to do before because of the commute and getting back in time for the DC) - I have no problem working - but if he does get a job back in his old industry he will assume it all goes back to me doing everything Monday - Friday and I won't be able to manage that with a 1hr+ commute. Even so I would not be on £200k for many years (if ever!).

AIBU to want him to cut back (as I have) and make a plan for the future?

It takes a while to adjust after being made redundant. In my case I also had to process anger, the blow to my self confidence, and needed to spend some time thinking about what I wanted to do next. I think your instinct to let him have time until after the summer (surely his redundancy pay out alone must be enough to fund this?) And then get a co on track is the right one. Give him some time. Then you both need to work out what the future looks like. It might be that this is him taking a less well paid or part time job and you taking on ore of the financial burden.

It's fine for the OP to take on more of the burden of earning money, but only if her DH takes on some of the burden of running the home and childcare and living within whatever means they have.

You have to be extremely well paid to afford the kind of lifestyle being described (private schools, daily cafe breakfasts, multiple hobbies, £5k holidays on a whim - aren't you going too OP, btw?) and jobs like that aren't ten a penny and often can't be done without the other parent making significant sacrifices to keep the domestic show on the road, which it sounds like he doesn't currently appreciate.

At that level I'm sure he's able to get another well paid job, even if not quite the same salary, he's worked hard for a long time and wants to have a summer of fun with his family, you've clearly got money in savings and he's not saying he's not going to get another job. Give it six months and then have a chat if there is no further employment on the horizon, I don't think you'll be at the food bank any time soon, give him a break.

You said in your op you can continue your current lifestyle for 2-3 years without him working at all, so you have plenty of money. I'm a saver and have no debt, but you're really being over the top

redskyatnight you are absolutely right - it has knocked DH's confidence. Initially he had a flurry of interest and a couple of leads which lead to nothing and since then he has been "networking" but nothing ever comes of it. I don't want to push him into getting a job and he got the equivalent of six months pay as redundancy so he does have some time, maybe I am just impatient.

barbaraofseville that's just it - he seems to think I can just walk into a FT job and also that it won't impact him. Even now if he has a "networking" thing to do i have to do the school run etc. He does do more at home now but it is very much on his own terms - I don't think he would like the relentlessness of doing it all day in and day out.
No, I'm not going on the holiday as I do not have enough AL left - And we have a week in the holidays booked anyway - he is taking them to some sports resort with a kids club so i assume he will still have his downtime.

he sounds like a spoilt child tbh

Yes, we do have savings and won't starve but I think it we spend more carefully the savings will last longer and give us more options in the future.
I worry that i will find a FT job with better pay and then DH will decide to go back to his old industry and I will be left doing it all with all the DC responsibility and being told to suck it up because he is the higher earner. I have an interview on Friday for a post in London which is £80k FT - I don't know if I will even get it - but it is making me a bit nervous.

To be honest, I'd take the children out of private school right now. They're under 11 so will get used to a new school quite easily.

That will remove your worry about that.

YOur DH sounds an arse though...and that's WHY I'd be taking over that decision myself. Because I couldn't be with a man like that.

If you both did end up as full time high earners, would you be able to afford a full time nanny/housekeeper type person? Someone who could do the school runs and then some cleaning, laundry and meal preparation in the daytime?

Well op if l were you l would hand ove the majority of the domeastic duties as you are working and he is not.
Make a list and allocate, include all the school runs/dentist etc.

Make it clear if you tajke the FT job he will have to do ALL the domestic duties/childcare.

The SAHP should do the vast majority.

As for money l would feel just like you, can you show him this thread, he is being financially irresponsible, if he said he was going to have fun for the summer then cut back that would be reasonable, but it is not feasible over the longer term..
Plus he may not go back into a similarly paid role

My high earning DH got made redundant a few years ago, he found another job but we hadn't really thought about how long the who,e interview process was for high end jobs, from start to finish (4 separate interviews) was about 3 months.

I have put the DC on the waiting list for two local primary schools - they are full at the moment. I would worry about moving my eldest - he will be going into yr5 in September, the youngest is going into yr1 and would be fine anywhere. DH refuses to consider moving them at the moment - tbh his expenditure and hobbies cost more than private school at the moment.
Yes, I suppose we could hire help if we both ended up working FT in London - not really our plan but yes, we could if DH got another high paying job.

It's always more difficult to adjust to having less money than it is to getting richer :(

pizza that's just it too- he was interviewing for a job a little while ago and six weeks into the process they told him they had a hiring freeze and wouldn't be hiring until q1 2020! So that is on the back burner but not definite.
I very much doubt he will have a job before the end of the year.

The thing is, I actually thought we were quite sensible with money - always saved, we have healthy pensions and our mortgage paid off - we are really lucky! I just don't want to undo it all now - I don't know if DH is trying to sabotage things so he "has" to go back to the big City job? I don't think he knows what else to do.

As for the jobs at home - I think I have allowed him to have the time so far to be like an extended holiday and so he has done the odd thing (things he wants to do as opposed what actually needs to be done) but it still mainly falls to me. I think I am a bit of a control freak - I do all the food shopping otherwise he goes and spends £150 on one weekend's food! He needs to join the real world. I think over the school holidays I am going to have to leave him to it more - maybe he will go dashing back to work

If I try to discuss it I get accused of only being with him for his money

That accusation doesn't even make sense for the subject you're trying to discuss!

which is not at all true (we met through work, I earned the same as him 15yrs ago but - kids, his career took off and so his job took priority).

So you did the unpaid childcare that facilitated him to soar in his career. I think he needs to recognise this.

He is looking for another job but wants to take the time to look for another type of role - I don't actually know what that is! - and I have no problem with him taking time off/ retraining/ whatever as long as he has a plan of sorts and stops spending so much money.

None of which is unreasonable in the slightest!

I think he needs calling out on the accusations.

You know what, I’d let him do it. This is exactly what you dream about when you’re slogging away day after day like a hamster on a wheel.

When they money gets low, he’ll have to go back to work, I’m not sure I really see the issue with this? No reason to take the children out of school and implement some austerity regime

I'd agree that it's too early to start panicking, but surely he will appreciate that if he keeps on spending the way he does then the money will run out much faster and then if he doesn't get another high paying job before it runs out, the 'lifestyle shock sudden stop' is going to be so much harder to deal with?

Eg the money will currently last two years, but if you cut back but still have a nice lifestyle, it could last four or five years or maybe even longer if you send DC to state schools.

Gives him much more time to find the right job, or even decide that he will be happy with something less 'big' and demanding, that gives him more of a life outside work.

After all, if he's been working like this for 20 years, at some point he could quite well get to the age where he thinks 'I'm too old for this shit' and decide that he wants to do more than work, or that his health won't allow it. The trouble with spending so much money is the amount of work required to earn it. Conversely, if you can be happy spending less money, you can often get away with enjoying life while not needing to work so much.

Like you currently OP, you seem to have a nice balance of a decently paid part time job, which gives you more time to do the things that have to be done, and hopefully those which you want to do too. Shame your DH doesn't seem to be on the same page.

I understand your frustration but I think you need to chill a bit. You have more than enough money and you really don’t need to start pulling your kids out of school. Even if your DH takes a year off you’re fine financially. Although £200k is a lot of money it’s not stupid City money and he will find a new job. Even if he goes on to earn £100k or £150k you can live a fantastic life with no mortgage and get your kids through school until they’re at least 11. I know what it’s like to work in the City and he needs that time to chill. Realistically recruitment will stop now until September and interviews will start then with a view to people starting roles in Q1 after bonus time. The fact he’s not working, won’t be waiting for a bonus and therefore won’t ask them to pay it for him in lieu of a getting one in his current work and has no notice period will work massively in his favour. Let him enjoy the money and break for the summer and then he needs to crack on.

As for your job, I don’t know, but I don’t think you need to be panicking yet about changing your whole lifestyle

Thanks - I will try to chill out a bit I am very fortunate and so pleased I kept working after having DC (despite DH pressuring me at the time not to).

Another practical point - DH refuses to sign on because he doesn't need the money, fine. But it affects NI contributions doesn't it? We don't get Child benefit but I did sign up for it in my name - just ticked the box to say we wouldn't have the ££. Should I transfer it into his name? He has no NI credits for this tax year and, to me, that just means he will have to work another year anyway if he is to get a state pension (if they will even exist in 25 years time!). I know I shouldn't think like this but would it affect residence for the children if we did end up separating? I don't think we will - we fundamentally get on well, this is the first time in 15yrs we have ever disagreed on something this big - but I don't want to weaken my position where the children are concerned. I hate that I even think this way but his behaviour (and my reaction) are really making me think differently.

I had to retire early though ill health so we took a hit on income. I sometimes think for certain types of people the reaction like your DH is because their ego has taken a big hit and it’s deflecting the actual pain they feel. Dare I say that I think men may be more inclined to be like this. I suppose my loss of income was focussed on less as I was just grateful I managed not to die which was a possibility at the time. No more month long holidays in five star hotels but I sat in my garden on Saturday night and was just bloody grateful that I could drink a Pimms while DH irritated me with his bizarre conversation about birdsong. No that bird is not singing in the jungle to you DH.

Good luck with everything, sounds tough. MIL and FIL had a huge fall in income when DH was at University. FIL wouldn’t face up to it, time for you to make him listen to you.

OP be careful he doesn't undo all the careful financial prudence over the years.....spending more than the school fees on hobbies is bloody irresponsible.

If you can afford to maintain your current lifestyle for a couple of years why are you so hell bent on cutting back? Fair enough let him take some time off, but do speak to him about going back to work. In my experience the job market tends to quieten down over summer anyway, so September may be a good time for him to start looking again.

He won't be able to sign on unless he is actively looking for a job (and they are very strict about checking these days). I doubt (assuming he has and will have a company pension in line with his salary) that the missing NI contributions will make much of a difference.