When finances change....

[Burrden]

My DH has been made redundant recently. He was earning £200k and we had a fantastic lifestyle - private school for the 2 DC, holidays etc. We own our house outright and have some savings, plus his pay off. I work PT and earn £30k which covers our day to day living expenses (but not school fees or luxuries).
We can continue living our current lifestyle for 2/3 years without DH needing to work.

As a result of the change to our finances I have cut back in certain areas (I did this when we found out that his job was at risk at the beginning of the year) - basically stuck to a budget so i knew we could live on my salary. I have requested additional hours at work but will need to wait until a role comes up - I would earn £50k full time so still not enough to cover school fees but if we don't dip into our savings now we can afford to keep them there until 11 without DH needing to work.

However, DH refuses to cut back AT ALL. Each morning he trots off to a chichi cafe for coffee and breakfast, with his newspaper then goes off to the gym/ music lessons/ tennis/ golf - all things he never had time for when working. I kind of think this is fine for this summer but then he really will need to sit down and face reality. He has worked solidly for 20 years in demanding, long hour jobs, I do not begrudge him time off but he is burning through the same amount of money (if not more) than before.
Meanwhile I make packed lunches, have dropped my own gym membership, the cleaner (he does do some cleaning but it is erratic - some weeks he does none and the next he blitzes the whole house) and other non essential things.
The DC break up from school this week and he keeps saying how great it is that we won't need to pay for holiday childcare (which saves about £1k) but in the next breath he spends £5k on a two week holiday for him and the DC.... we had a week booked already but in Devon and not extravagant.

I guess the issue is that we have never had to worry about money before and now it is an issue we don't seem to be on the same page. If I try to discuss it I get accused of only being with him for his money, which is not at all true (we met through work, I earned the same as him 15yrs ago but - kids, his career took off and so his job took priority).

He is looking for another job but wants to take the time to look for another type of role - I don't actually know what that is! - and I have no problem with him taking time off/ retraining/ whatever as long as he has a plan of sorts and stops spending so much money.

I just feel when we speak it all comes out wrong/ he twists it into me being money grabbing. He also keeps going on about how I have worked PT for the last 8 years and it's about time I went back FT (my youngest only started school last September!) but it isn't that easy to just demand FT hours. I am also now looking for roles in London which are more highly paid than locally (but I wasn't able to do before because of the commute and getting back in time for the DC) - I have no problem working - but if he does get a job back in his old industry he will assume it all goes back to me doing everything Monday - Friday and I won't be able to manage that with a 1hr+ commute. Even so I would not be on £200k for many years (if ever!).

AIBU to want him to cut back (as I have) and make a plan for the future?

Unfortunately too many people equate their job with happiness. In my case it then all came tumbling down, he couldn't understand why I put the kids first. Please work out what will make you happy, he's living in a fantasy world - most people don't earn £2k a month.

I think you need to calm down a bit and let him get over the shock of redundancy. Don't move your kids. That isn't necessary from what you've said... you aren't in a precarious position. You sound like uoure panicking: and he sounds like he's trying to enjoy the lifestyle he's spent years building up. Maybe you could try talking about what the plan is and see what he says rather than judging him right now?

Have a think about what you want, maybe book counselling/therapy if u think you may need help to find your voice... meditation helped me,singing helped a friend... what are your hobbies?? You do found a bit lost and if you have replaced a "dominant "mother with a "dominant husband... this is your life as well.... you only get one

Hi OP

Just been reading your updates. I can't believe a high earner like him is going to ask his MiL to pay those school fees. It's not even a compromise, it sounds like he has decided most expensive = best.

It sounds like he calls the shots. About everything. About income. About outgoings. About savings. What school does your son want to to to? What school do you think he should go to? If you are close to your mum and dont think it's a good idea I would have a word and tell her to say no.

It seems about time that your voice was heard, equally, in this relationship.

What is his plan if he gives up work and doesn't get a job paying double straight away? Is he going to burn through 50k again on nothing while asking your mum to spend the same on school fees? That's madness

He has gone out "drinking" with his new colleagues tonight (he doesn't really drink, he might have one beer). I hope this will help with bonding and he will feel better about his job after this.

He has asked my mother - I don't have a great relationship with her. We get on well to a degree but she very much sees me as a child. My mother is delighted to help and is very invested in the school of choice - it is a "name". She knows someone who knows someone etc. I doubt the help will extend to the bog standard fee paying school down the road - she has offered to pay for boarding at the London school (which adds about another £12k a year) which I would definitely not want.

I think you are right though, I moved from one level of control to another, I have never made my own decisions. Even the house I live in wasn't my first choice.

Does your DS want to go to this school? Has anyone asked him?

Interesting dynamic though. Are you happy with your life? I’ve read the thread and get the feeling you might have a bit of an epiphany about making your own choices, rather than bringing up the rear behind these two forceful individuals.

This is all really

Your DH sounds incredibly selfish.

So he is salting away a war chest. Which is exactly what you wanted him to do with his redundancy, and now it’s some secret initiative of his? He really doesn’t value your input based on that one rather important example.

OP I've RTFT - I'm sorry ive nothing to offer in advice and I'm genuinely sorry for the times your going though now. But have to also admit I'm a bit in awe of your lifestyle! Can I ask what your job is?

Ok, so I have got it wrong about Grammar school DS passed the school's 11+ test and not the county one - apparently they take that in year 6. The test he took means that he should pass next year and is used to identify which schools might be suitable. The school is judged on what secondary they go on to and so the head is very keen to get DC into top names.

DS is happy with the proposed school, but he knows he will need to work hard to pass the entrance exam. He is a bright and sporty boy but can get quite anxious (like me, I suppose).

vehivle I don't really understand- my job barely pays £50k a year. I am an accountant.

@Burrden thanks for answering. It's just that you earn 30k part time. I earn it full time. But I couldn't be an accountant- haven't got the math ability.

I hope the night out with work colleagues has encouraged your husband to stay. At least until he has another job lined up! I do think the war chest is very wrong. It is like he has no concept of money (you being an accountant its understandable you do). I am sure you've already done this and its probably fallen on deaf ears. But I'd try again to go through the finances with him and show if he continues to spend as he does then in x amount of years you wont have the money for your childrens' schools or universities. Let alone holidays and nice things. He has to rein it in for the sake of his family's future.

It's time to get your own 'war chest' together Burrden
I think you need to trust your gut because something does not sit right with his behaviour.

DH's pay didn't go into our joint account again.
He said it was an error with his HR department and that it will definitely be sorted out next month. He transferred £2500 (I believe this is by standing order, he doesn't use online banking) to the joint account.
I am tempted to change my pay to my sole account, I have time to do it before November's payday.
DH has gone out with DS, they went to watch the rugby but have gone on somewhere else, I think DH is avoiding me.
My mother is seeing her financial adviser next week and has asked me to come along, I am not sure how I feel about this - I didn't want to be involved with asking her for money. It's awkward.

Hmmm. Do you get the feeling he is lying? What is he doing with the rest of his salary, 2500 doesnt seem much to transfer

I don't know what he is doing with the rest. He told me he is saving it but the way he got through money when he was out of work makes me suspicious.
£2500 covers all our essential monthly bills, food (groceries) kids' activities and other direct debits (phones, his gym etc) but not all car costs/ days out/ house maintenance/ holidays - so he says that he is supporting the family and so I shouldn't complain. Maybe I am being unreasonable?
I think I am going to get my pay put into my sole account and then transfer one third to the joint account. Play him at his own game.

OP, you sound like a lovely sensible woman dealing with a spoilt brat who sees you as a meal ticket.

I think you need to be very careful.

I don't think he is honest or genuine.

Protect yourself 💐

As uncomfortable as you may feel about it, I think you should go with your mother. If for no other reason, it means you'll have more knowledge of what she's agreed to. The way your DH has been, do you actually trust him to tell you the whole truth about that? I wouldn't.

I would make sure that if your mum contributes to fees, she pays the school direct, or pays you - not to him. Sorry it sounds like it's still a difficult time

Getting financially involved with your mother is just giving back control to her - for a long time.
If you split up with the deceitful git - you'll have got rid of one controlling, bullying twat for another.

Seriously, face the fact that your husband is opting out of family responsibilities and the marriage is dying.
Don't dig yourself into a deeper hole.

However, it seems the status of private schools and fancy lifestyles are more important to you which is why you're choosing to just go along with having Mummy pay for your children's upbringing.
Bad move.

Good god, how long are you going to keep putting up with this shitshow?

im just wondering, have you seen evidence of dh new salary?? im wondering if its less than hes told you....

i really hope you get this sorted and feel happy again. x

Yes OP it's time for you to put your salary in your sole account and see how DH likes it. Also is £2500 a third of his take home - make sure your percentage contribution is no more than his.

A small update - today is my payday and the first time my pay has gone into my account. I have transferred exactly 1/3 into the joint account. I told DH that was what I was doing and he just shrugged and said that as long as the bills are paid he doesn't care.
The thing that annoys me is that a lot of the bills are personal to him - his gym, his tennis club, the minimum payment on his credit card, insurance for his cars...I think my next step will be to cancel/ arrange for them to be paid from his sole account and keep the joint one for our joint bills and things to do with the children only.

He is working very long hours but despite all that we seem to be getting on well. It's odd!

I went to see the IFA with my mother. She had her solicitor there too. She plans to put a lump sum into trust for me and my DC- for education and maintenance costs. It seems she knows DH too well and does not want to hand over cash to him. She will pay the school fees by monthly direct debit too out of her income but she wanted to make sure there was money put aside for me and the DC in case something should happen to her. I have not told DH about the trust. It hasn't even been set up yet. I am not sure what to do, I feel that keeping it from him is just as bad as him being secretive.

It's your Mum's trust fund it's up to her how private she wants it kept tbh.

With regards to DH costs coming from joint account another option would be to pay in your third less his direct hobby costs. Although what happens if there isn't enough there to cover DC costs - can you then tell him to increase his contribution?

Would be better to shift his costs from his account with the agreement that you do the same with yours...