When finances change....

[Burrden]

My DH has been made redundant recently. He was earning £200k and we had a fantastic lifestyle - private school for the 2 DC, holidays etc. We own our house outright and have some savings, plus his pay off. I work PT and earn £30k which covers our day to day living expenses (but not school fees or luxuries).
We can continue living our current lifestyle for 2/3 years without DH needing to work.

As a result of the change to our finances I have cut back in certain areas (I did this when we found out that his job was at risk at the beginning of the year) - basically stuck to a budget so i knew we could live on my salary. I have requested additional hours at work but will need to wait until a role comes up - I would earn £50k full time so still not enough to cover school fees but if we don't dip into our savings now we can afford to keep them there until 11 without DH needing to work.

However, DH refuses to cut back AT ALL. Each morning he trots off to a chichi cafe for coffee and breakfast, with his newspaper then goes off to the gym/ music lessons/ tennis/ golf - all things he never had time for when working. I kind of think this is fine for this summer but then he really will need to sit down and face reality. He has worked solidly for 20 years in demanding, long hour jobs, I do not begrudge him time off but he is burning through the same amount of money (if not more) than before.
Meanwhile I make packed lunches, have dropped my own gym membership, the cleaner (he does do some cleaning but it is erratic - some weeks he does none and the next he blitzes the whole house) and other non essential things.
The DC break up from school this week and he keeps saying how great it is that we won't need to pay for holiday childcare (which saves about £1k) but in the next breath he spends £5k on a two week holiday for him and the DC.... we had a week booked already but in Devon and not extravagant.

I guess the issue is that we have never had to worry about money before and now it is an issue we don't seem to be on the same page. If I try to discuss it I get accused of only being with him for his money, which is not at all true (we met through work, I earned the same as him 15yrs ago but - kids, his career took off and so his job took priority).

He is looking for another job but wants to take the time to look for another type of role - I don't actually know what that is! - and I have no problem with him taking time off/ retraining/ whatever as long as he has a plan of sorts and stops spending so much money.

I just feel when we speak it all comes out wrong/ he twists it into me being money grabbing. He also keeps going on about how I have worked PT for the last 8 years and it's about time I went back FT (my youngest only started school last September!) but it isn't that easy to just demand FT hours. I am also now looking for roles in London which are more highly paid than locally (but I wasn't able to do before because of the commute and getting back in time for the DC) - I have no problem working - but if he does get a job back in his old industry he will assume it all goes back to me doing everything Monday - Friday and I won't be able to manage that with a 1hr+ commute. Even so I would not be on £200k for many years (if ever!).

AIBU to want him to cut back (as I have) and make a plan for the future?

You have my sympathy OP. Just come out if something similar, nobody actually walks into a fantastic new job these days (or shouldn't assume they will). Days and days of gone get taken up with interviews which often come to nothing. I'd suggest putting together a spreadsheet which clearly lists out savings, income and outgoings and make sure your husband digests it. As you say, keeping up the spending when the big salary isn't coming in means those savings will disappear at a very alarming rate. And yes I fully accept it is devastating be be made redundant - but the reality is, he needs to seriously crack on with job hunting. Networking is important yes but doesn't always actually lead to anything.

@BlingLoving he was made redundant at the end of March.

We are in a Grammar area and were planning to send DC there (eldest is looking likely to pass the 11+).

I have put the DC on waiting lists for local schools but I am very much against moving my eldest. The youngest is going into yr1 and will be much easier to move. We pay annually upfront for fees - there is no benefit paying more.

I don't know what to think about him pulling his weight mon - fri; during term time it has worked out ok but this is the first week of the summer holidays and although he said he would do childcare to save the holiday club fees so far the DC are going to go this week and next. Then they go away.

I have drawn up a budget. He doesn't stick to it, he agrees when we chat but then carries on regardless. If I keep raising it he gets defensive and comes out with the statements about me only wanting to be with him when he earns money.

That isn't true by the way. When he found out his job was at risk we talked a lot about the future, money, etc. I thought we would pull together but we haven't and the things we agreed back then (holiday) he has gone back on. This is what makes me worry about us separating; we are not agreeing and DH seems to be living a different life to me.

I'd be pretty furious about him going off for a paid breakfast every day. Things like that add up, I'm sure that costs more per week than the cleaner you had to cancel. It also shows some real stupidity about money and how quickly it can flow out the door.

I think the problem is that there is a blurred line on whether this time is a well earned 'holiday' or not. If this is his 'holiday' then enjoying downtime by golfing, eating out and generally fannying about rather than pitching in at home is probably not unreasonable. The big difference is that a holiday has a set end date- and his unemployment does not.

Would it work if you spoke to him about dividing the next few months into phases? So the next few weeks and the trip with the kids is the 'downtime, relaxing, well deserved break' time. Then there is going to be a 'new normal until you have a job' phase. The holiday is over. This phase will involve more balance, more strategic job hunting, more contributing in non-financial ways, more austerity and care over money.

It's not money grabbing to point out that he is causing you unnecessary personal stress. He is being indifferent to the strain this is putting on you. He is disrespecting the contribution you made and continue to make to his career and your home. Your workload and stress has increased and the man who is meant to be your partner in life could help you- but is choosing to breakfast and golf instead. That's hurtful, money or no money. You're meant to be a team.

He should absolutely be pitching in at home. That isn't money grabbing- you're asking him to increase his non-financial contribution to your household and family. You're not demanding he go work in a mine so you can hire you're cleaner back.

Don't let him spin your words and make you feel guilty for asking sensible questions about things that impact you and your children.

Seen your updates, OP, this must be an awful strain for you. I agree he's had long enough and that his fannying (paid breakfasts!) has gone on long enough.
Renaging on the holiday childcare etc is also a dick move.

I've had a lot of sympathy for your DH but I'M firmly in your camp: he needs to step up now.

Just saw he was made redundant in March- three months of fannying is far more than most people manage in their whole career.

I'd be arguing for the upcoming trip away with the kids to be the 'last hurrah' and mark the end of his 'downtime' phase. After that, he buckles down with a budget and pitching in at home until he finds a job he is willing to take.

For the last 20 years you've made your contributions to the family and he has made his. He is disrespecting your contributions by deciding that you need to carry on with them unassisted (oh and also work full time and suddenly become a high earner despite the fact that you sacrificed years of career opportunities so that he didn't have to) while he is excused for an indefinite period of time from making any contributions simply because he was the higher earner. He's an adult, he has a wife and children. He needs to grow up, pitch in and keep the ship afloat.

Sorry, resurrecting again - mainly to keep things in the same place.

Next week I would like to meet some friends for lunch (well, a very long lunch), they are old colleagues that I worked with before I had my DS (almost 10 years ago). We are all doing different things now but we always try to meet once/ twice a year. We usually go somewhere fancy (as it is such a rare thing!). It has been in the diary for months. It will be quite expensive (£100 or so) but I have put some money aside out of my allowance for the past couple of months and have £150 put by.

DH is now saying that if I am so bothered by money I shouldn't go. The train fare alone will be over £20 (and I wasted this amount last week going to that interview!)

He also says I will need to book holiday club for the day as he can't guarantee he will be free to look after the DC (in fairness, a job opportunity has come up and he is waiting to hear about an interview) so that is another £75 on top.

I haven't been out socially since the beginning of June when I went to the local pub with a neighbour for a couple of hours, before that it was probably April! I never go anywhere. I feel a bit down at the moment and would really like to go and let my hair down - they are a fabulous bunch of women, my closest friends really even though we rarely see each other.

I feel so anxious and tied up in knots at the moment, always questioning myself. I have to buy some uniform and other bits for school next month and I just can't justify spending this money on myself, even though I really, really need it.

Hopefully later today he’ll come along give you a hug, say thank you for all your help and support over the last difficult months and say of course you should meet your friends and relax for the day.
If he’s going to respond to your sensible attempts to re-focus by a war of attrition then you’re in for a stressful time. Keep talking, keep calm.
And definitely go and enjoy yourself, one if your friends may even have a useful contact job-wise.

Go. The amount you spend on this is not going to make a difference to your financial security. However, your DH is being a selfish arse to the point of being abusive. The is having a petty dig about your money concerns instead of acknowledging that the redundancy impacts the family as a whole. I am a bit about the holiday club too. Surely he could give then his availability for the week - if they are interested they are not going to insist that they can only interview him on a specific day or not at all.

Does this period include Garden Leave or did they make him work right up to the last day?

I call bullshit on the 'I need to be available for an interview' thing. If he's been in a senior and highly paid position then I'm sure they'd expect him to tell them his availability and they arrange to suit both parties. He's not a teenager trying to get a gig at McDonald's.

Why do you need to book holiday club when he is the one pulling out of the childcare he was meant to provide?

Your one lunch is nothing compared to the holiday he is about to take. Or the accumulated cost of the many breakfasts out he treats himself to.

He is being an absolute arsehole here.

Go to your lunch. Enjoy it, you're under a lot of stress and your dickhead husband is making it worse not better.

Then insist on marriage counselling with your DH so you can approach this life challenge as a team.

Definitely go as it sounds as though it will be important for your own mental health.

You need to agree a joint financial strategy with DH and him sniping at you whilst refusing to agree a strategy is not acceptable.

Would you both consider counselling with the aim of reaching an agreed approach?

Your DH is behaving like a prat, if this is new behavior then it is stress around redundancy. You are entitled to your life in the same way he is entitled to his.
He also needs to step up and take some responsibility for the dc. Senior job recruiters are going to expect limited availability from the people they recruit, one day isn't going to impact either way.

I read your thread with sympathy because I know full well that were my DH to be in a similar position, he would be head in the sand and shite at cutting back!

Go for the lunch with your friends (and er... 'saving your allowance'...what?!) Keep applying for jobs. Get those extra hours. Book holiday club as you need. Unreliable childcare is worse than none.

Make two spreadsheets. One with three costed up scenarios: good, medium and bad (I am astonished no-one's mentioned BREXIT: surely this autumn's got to be one of the worst times in recent history to be after a highly paid finance job?)

Then make another private spreadsheet for yourself for a 3 people household, just in case you need it. Your DH cannot communicate any more clearly that he doesn't consider the two of you a team. Protect yourself.

If you're anything like me, making forecasting spreadsheets will cheer you up anyway.

He is an absolute twat, OP.

He’s making you feel guilty about less than £200 (£150 lunch & £20 train fare) and then insisting it costs even more (£75 holiday club) as punishment for questioning his choices.

Add up how much his “networking” has cost.

Add in his breakfasts out.

Inform him you’re networking with your old colleagues and he’s doing childcare.

Arsehole.

The kids need school uniform and essentials.

You need a social life.

Your husband needs to check his attitude.

Please meet your friends.

Sounds like he is having a great summer. Gym, tennis, golf, breakfast out...I envy him!

Is there a reason why you're not going on holiday with him?

Thank you. I feel so irrational at the moment!

I'm not going on the holiday because I don't have much annual leave left - we had our main holiday over Easter (booked and paid for well before we knew about his job) and we have a week away at the end of August.
I usually take some parental (unpaid) leave in the summer holidays but I don't want to reduce what we do have coming in, plus it would be another £2k at least for me to join them.

The job interview thing is because he would need to see four people and it is their availability that matters - they know he has nothing to do- he would be expected to drop everything to go.

I am tempted to ask my mum to babysit. She never does but she loves DH and so may make an exception.

Let's not go there with Brexit... we both do have EU passports so we could move, it wouldn't be that desirable but we could do it.

Is he paying for the holiday? I'm surprised they all want to go without you for two weeks.

Please go to your lunch and enjoy it. His objection is a mind fuck and I have to say he’s really gone down in my estimation with that one. I imagine your mum would be happy to babysit to save you another £75. Let’s hope the interview leads to a job offer and he’s soon gainfully employed again.

My mum won't babysit. I have booked the holiday club. DH only said that because he is fed up of my "nagging" him (I really try not to say anything, I really do).

The holiday is fine, the DC will love it - DH has added on to a group of friends that are going with their DC of similar ages. I will miss them but I have arranged to do some overtime while they are away - every little helps.

DH only said that because he is fed up of my "nagging" him

Said every misogynist ever.
“Stop nagging, woman,” (Never question my choices, even with legitimate concerns. I am the boss of me and you may not comment.)

(I really try not to say anything, I really do).

Said every woman appeasing a misogynist ever.
“I know it’s all my fault that my husband ignores my opinions and belittles my efforts and dismisses me I must try harder not to upset him, in case he turns on me

Sorry Burrden. Just feel like you’re the one taking the weight of the world on your shoulders AND beating yourself up about perfectly reasonable discussions with your husband.

Park it all until after their holiday. Use the free time they’re away to do some stuff for yourself and do some planning like a PP suggested about scenarios. After he comes back off holiday tackle it calmly then.

We have had an awful few days.
I tried to talk to him, we went through our money spreadsheet - I had a sheet where I had downloaded his credit card transactions for the month to show where his money is going. He kicked off for me treating him like a child. Then in the next breath he tells me he needs "at least" £2k spending money for his holiday with the kids next week. He is going to an expensive resort and has only booked b&b plus there is a tennis camp for the kids to pay for.

In the end, I just told him to spend whatever he likes, the money will run out eventually. I have put enough money out of his reach for DCs school fees.

I know he was only technically made redundant in March but he has known since January that he was out of a job. He was kept on for a few extra weeks to wind things down. He has an interview this week - only the second he has had in this time - and I pray that it goes well. I don't think I can put up with it much longer.

Tough times Burrden, getting personal abuse is bloody horrible and he’s trying to shut you down because he doesn’t want to hear it. Being unemployed is horrible but he’s not dealing with it well.
I really hope he gets a new job soon and he pulls himself together. Have you got someone in RL who’s there for you?