When finances change....

[Burrden]

My DH has been made redundant recently. He was earning £200k and we had a fantastic lifestyle - private school for the 2 DC, holidays etc. We own our house outright and have some savings, plus his pay off. I work PT and earn £30k which covers our day to day living expenses (but not school fees or luxuries).
We can continue living our current lifestyle for 2/3 years without DH needing to work.

As a result of the change to our finances I have cut back in certain areas (I did this when we found out that his job was at risk at the beginning of the year) - basically stuck to a budget so i knew we could live on my salary. I have requested additional hours at work but will need to wait until a role comes up - I would earn £50k full time so still not enough to cover school fees but if we don't dip into our savings now we can afford to keep them there until 11 without DH needing to work.

However, DH refuses to cut back AT ALL. Each morning he trots off to a chichi cafe for coffee and breakfast, with his newspaper then goes off to the gym/ music lessons/ tennis/ golf - all things he never had time for when working. I kind of think this is fine for this summer but then he really will need to sit down and face reality. He has worked solidly for 20 years in demanding, long hour jobs, I do not begrudge him time off but he is burning through the same amount of money (if not more) than before.
Meanwhile I make packed lunches, have dropped my own gym membership, the cleaner (he does do some cleaning but it is erratic - some weeks he does none and the next he blitzes the whole house) and other non essential things.
The DC break up from school this week and he keeps saying how great it is that we won't need to pay for holiday childcare (which saves about £1k) but in the next breath he spends £5k on a two week holiday for him and the DC.... we had a week booked already but in Devon and not extravagant.

I guess the issue is that we have never had to worry about money before and now it is an issue we don't seem to be on the same page. If I try to discuss it I get accused of only being with him for his money, which is not at all true (we met through work, I earned the same as him 15yrs ago but - kids, his career took off and so his job took priority).

He is looking for another job but wants to take the time to look for another type of role - I don't actually know what that is! - and I have no problem with him taking time off/ retraining/ whatever as long as he has a plan of sorts and stops spending so much money.

I just feel when we speak it all comes out wrong/ he twists it into me being money grabbing. He also keeps going on about how I have worked PT for the last 8 years and it's about time I went back FT (my youngest only started school last September!) but it isn't that easy to just demand FT hours. I am also now looking for roles in London which are more highly paid than locally (but I wasn't able to do before because of the commute and getting back in time for the DC) - I have no problem working - but if he does get a job back in his old industry he will assume it all goes back to me doing everything Monday - Friday and I won't be able to manage that with a 1hr+ commute. Even so I would not be on £200k for many years (if ever!).

AIBU to want him to cut back (as I have) and make a plan for the future?

It may not be that “simple” but the net result is the same - he’s not in employment and yet he’s still not picking up any school runs or easing the load on you, nor is he spending time with his children - time he has at the moment. I’d be very unhappy.
Networking is important, leisure time - yeah, within reason to decompress, but not if that comes at the expense of your partner. He’s taking the piss and you’re allowing it.

The idea of being married to someone who expected me to do all parenting whether I worked full time or not... it’s funny he is happy playing golf and tennis and swimming. Surely he doesn’t want to get used to those as he will have to stop? Or is it just parenting he doesn’t want to get used to? Because it’s not as fun?

he deliberately kept to office hours so he wouldn't get used to dossing about at home

And yet he is dossing about at the health club, tennis courts or golf course...

He doesn’t need every day free 8-6 to network or job hunt. You should agree he does the running about after the DC on your working days as an absolute minimum.

Thanks - it helps to get it out here. It all seems so reasonable when DH explains it to me, he really ties me in knots when I try to explain how it makes me feel. He always seems to twist it round to - it's ok when I am earning all the money but as soon as I'm not, I'm not good enough.... I don't want him to feel like that and I certainly don't want to be a nag.

He used to go to the gym every day anyway and golf/ tennis/ music at weekends which he doesn't do now - he spends all weekend with the DC

He always seems to twist it round to - it's ok when I am earning all the money but as soon as I'm not, I'm not good enough....

That’s really not fair and I’m sure he doesn’t actually feel like that!

When he’s “earning all the money” he’s paid to be “gone all the hours” and so you have to do more of the wifework and childcare because he’s simply unavailable. But now he could choose to help you, but he’d rather not, thanks very much.
It’s not nice.

So essentially he’s spending more time with the kids than he did when he was working, he’s job hunting in a disciplined way. Sorry, OP, I’m struggling to see what more you want from him.

That's what I mean human half the women on here say he is in the wrong and the other half that I am. I am trying to be fair on here, I know I can be controlling and I know I am stressing out.
Tbh this is probably all my own fault - I did give him leeway because he had the big job and the big pay packet and didn't expect him to do much at home/ with the DC but now he has the time....

It really is not that either of you are wrong. Redundancy is massive, the thought of unemployment is massive. It is like you were on the luxury cruise ship and now you have been thrown into a choppy and dangerous sea and you don’t know where the land is. Each of you are trying to cope in your own way.

The fear of the future is very real for both of you. Neither of you can fully understand what the other is going through. You need to stop blaming yourselves for not coping at the moment.How can you when this is all so new. I don’t know any answers for you. I really did not cope very well with my own redundancy. 700 , all from the same grade, went at once. We all worked our socks of for the Company and very few of my colleagues coped very well.

So essentially he’s spending more time with the kids than he did when he was working, he’s job hunting in a disciplined way. Sorry, OP, I’m struggling to see what more you want from him.

But he’s saying he won’t help out now, whilst he can, because he’s going to earn more in the future. That’s not fair on OP.

There is absolutely a need for him to network, take meetings etc. And to relax a bit with leisure stuff. But it’s really not OK to watch your partner do all the things needed for the family on top of work when you have the means and the opportunity to relieve that. It really isn’t teamwork.

I would react and have reacted in a similar way to the OP. Both DH & I have been through redundancies and we even overlapped them once - that was a stressful period. We had a mortgage to pay at the time so we didn't feel that we had the luxury of having a few months off job hunting. It took DH 6 mths to find another job the first time round which we relocated for. The financial crisis of 2008/9 contributed to the last redundancy - it took DH 11 mths from being put on gardening leave to starting a new job across the other side of the country (another relocation).

Also, once you hit your late 40's onwards, you start to notice more and more younger CEO's. I would say that we are going into recession. The jobs market will pick up slightly in Sept& Oct but will drop again in Nov and will be dormant again in the run up to Christmas/New Year. There will definitely be more competition with jobs shed everywhere. The fear of not knowing how long he would remained unemployed would push me into austerity drive!

I don't get all the dissing on the DH here.
Last year after nearly 20 years in a high pressured job as the (sometimes sole, always much higher) "main" earner in our family. (DH has ALWAYS stepped up on every front and I am well aware that without us working as such a good team we wouldn't have managed)

I got a redundancy package approx the same as the OPs DH and I immediately - with support of my family - decided to take at least 3 months off. Doing nothing, doing stuff around the house, chilling, going to the gym, catching up on films/TV etc etc.

One thing about working a lot of hours and having the pressure of being the main earner (mostly to preserve a nice lifestyle - I'm guessing the OP could keep her family as my DH could "keep" ours if pushed) is that you really really do appreciate a good long break. It did me the world of good. (I did a bit of loose networking nothing like the OPs DH)

I did sign on though - simply to get the pension contributions and health insurance cover (plus I'm in an EU27 country, the unemployment benefits are contributions based which meant that I actually got a fair amount of money - nice to have and I'd paid in so...)

Applying for jobs: well you notice that everyone is younger. And that (maybe esp as a woman who has grey hair?) I didn't get that many replies to the (few) CVs i sent out. (mostly because i felt guilty about unemployment payments)

In the end i networked my way back to a similar position and similar money. And I love working again, but blimey that long holiday (over summer) was brilliant.

To the OP: sorry you didn't get the job. Something else may turn up, keep trying if you want. The fact that your DH doesn't want to "step up" to doing family stuff when he never has before, in the case of working again, seems fine to me. You don't have to pick up his slack: childminders, cleaners and gardeners are there for that. In fact as higher earners it is the socially responsible thing to do, to employ others and spread that lovely money around.

I do get about the austerity drive though, and that is a conversation you are going to have to have and it's probably not going to be fun.

I don’t think you’re wrong @Burrden, you can’t help how you feel but I don’t think you’re right either. The two of you have different personality types and the current situation has highlighted that. It’s a good thing actually, it would be far worse if you were both stressed to the nth degree.

You want to preserve your savings as much as possible. He's not bothered about eroding them. That's the fundamental difference you need to thrash out.
You need to discuss to which level he is happy to erode the savings to, in the pursuit of his "extended holiday". He inbu to want a bit of a fun holiday after 20 years of solid working but he needs to do this with a long term goal/limit in mind. You are looking longer term than him at the moment.

Your DP is out of line. I think he deserves some time out to strategise and plan (and rest) but the spending is unacceptable. I couldn't get on board with that, you have my sympathy OP!

His accusations are extremely hurtful. Lashing out and accusing OP of being money grabbing. And 2 or 3 other really nasty, comments. Which are Insightful: they show what type of person he really is and how he really views his wife.

I know people Lash out when they're under pressure and his ego has been hurt, but in times like this actually a lot of damage can be done.

You say he has been made redundant recently but don't clarify when. I think you are massively underestimating the emotional and impact of redundancy. On both of you. Your response is to stress and panic. His is to try and ignore it. Neither of you is wrong but you need to understand this is a stressful time.

To be honest, you do come.across as being weirdly unsupportive and while I don't think it's because of the cash grabbing issues he's accusing you of, certainly at this point for you to be wondering about separation after such a short time after such massive upheaval sounds a bit OTT.

Hum being unwilling to step up is annoying. But you say yourself that he is around more on weekends than before and that he is trying. I think the gym, networking, golf etc is all part of trying to still feel relevant and like he is providing for his family. If you want him to compromise more, perhaps suggest a specific day or activity he can work into his schedule. E.g. taking dc to gym with him once a week for swimming or agreeing to "work" half days on Fridays to spend the afternoon with family.

I agree with him 're schooling too. You have the cash to carry on and the children are probably already feeling uncertain and uncomfortable and making further changes seems unnecessary. Obviously, 're evaluate I n a year or so.

You have enough money for 2-3 years so I would think you have at least a year to relax before you need to panic.

OP, if your DH isn't willing to think of moving the DC from their schools (and I can understand why he isn't), and there is still some money available, could you talk to him about paying fees upfront for the next couple of years? This would at least ensure that DC1 gets to the end of Year 6. I did this in the past, when I was married and we had some money (school fees are the bane of my life now - I have yet to pay this month's, and am in arrears. I'll still be paying off the school fees when the DC are 50).

I think there are a lot of people giving advice when they have no experience of the situation... Have been where you are OP, dh on similar income redundancy, children in private school. I was lucky in that immediately dh scaled back on all unnecessary costs as soon as we knew.

Ignore comments about taking children out of their schools, of course you're not going to do that yet, it's massively disruptive and not viable anyway unless you're offered a state school place (that you'd realistically accept).

I disagree that you need to chill out, it is ridiculous that your husband is still spending money like he's earning the same salary - he will come to regret this if in 6-12 months time he's not found a job. Think he needs a bit of a reality check.

It sounds like he's doing what he can to find new roles and the networking is important. Can he take any short term / freelance / consulting roles? As these can sometimes lead to perm stuff.

Unless he is networking he should be sharing the load with childcare/household stuff whilst off, he needs time to apply for jobs but can still pick up some of it.

He also needs to support your efforts to find ft work. Even if he still has to work, you going from 30k to 50k will still mean that one child's school fees are covered for instance.

You need to have a plan where your savings go further if need be, and plan for the worst case scenario. I'd put together a spreadsheet with your outgoings and savings as it might make him rethink.

givemesteel exactly. (Lehman’s survivor here)

I don't think it is as simple as him not wanting to spend time with the children - he deliberately kept to office hours so he wouldn't get used to dossing about at home.

But he is just dossing around playing golf and going to the gym! It’s bad he isn’t making an effort to be at home after the afternoon school run (or for it!)

But he’s not doing those things at the weekend, as he did when he was working. Men really get a hard time here.

Is there a grammar school set up in your area. If you could keep the Year 5 child going until end of year 6 the smaller classes might give him a better chance of getting into a state grammar. Then you could decide about child 2. Your financial position might change enough to keep one at independent school for a few years. Alternatively you could pull them both out now to a good primary and if you are set on the independent school route hope that by the time they are at secondary school you could again afford it.

OP I really sympathise with you because I would feel the same. Different people have different financial boundaries. I think the big thing is the school fees - other things like hobbies, eating patterns can be dropped/changed without too much notice.

Perhaps have a discussion focused around this after the holiday. You might want to look at different combinations of primary, secondary and 6th form options from independent and state schools in your area. Some shift from private sec to state 6th form (which is v good in our area). A lot depends on what is in your local area and how it fits with your children.

Maybe he and you could aim for a lower paying better lifestyle job so he could spend more time with the kids and as a family? But he would have to be on board with less holidays and no private school.

I think people are giving OPs DH a hard time - he's now more involved with the DCs and he is managing OPs expectations of his future involvement (good that he is still confident of getting a similar job) because he definitely won't be able to keep it up if he goes back to a similar position.

For me it hinges on how long this has been going on. If it's a couple of months my guess is he will, like me, start to get twitchy and extend the networking to something more likely to turn something up. It is the summer. Nobody seriously hires at this time of year where i am as everyone goes on holiday for 2-3 weeks and the expectation is that everyone winds down a lot in July/August to cover for that.

If it's been going on for 6 months it really is time for a discussion. But anything up to that? Meh. Let him enjoy some well-earned downtime.

I do think pp suggestion that they set a limit for their savings that they don't dip below.