When finances change....

[Burrden]

My DH has been made redundant recently. He was earning £200k and we had a fantastic lifestyle - private school for the 2 DC, holidays etc. We own our house outright and have some savings, plus his pay off. I work PT and earn £30k which covers our day to day living expenses (but not school fees or luxuries).
We can continue living our current lifestyle for 2/3 years without DH needing to work.

As a result of the change to our finances I have cut back in certain areas (I did this when we found out that his job was at risk at the beginning of the year) - basically stuck to a budget so i knew we could live on my salary. I have requested additional hours at work but will need to wait until a role comes up - I would earn £50k full time so still not enough to cover school fees but if we don't dip into our savings now we can afford to keep them there until 11 without DH needing to work.

However, DH refuses to cut back AT ALL. Each morning he trots off to a chichi cafe for coffee and breakfast, with his newspaper then goes off to the gym/ music lessons/ tennis/ golf - all things he never had time for when working. I kind of think this is fine for this summer but then he really will need to sit down and face reality. He has worked solidly for 20 years in demanding, long hour jobs, I do not begrudge him time off but he is burning through the same amount of money (if not more) than before.
Meanwhile I make packed lunches, have dropped my own gym membership, the cleaner (he does do some cleaning but it is erratic - some weeks he does none and the next he blitzes the whole house) and other non essential things.
The DC break up from school this week and he keeps saying how great it is that we won't need to pay for holiday childcare (which saves about £1k) but in the next breath he spends £5k on a two week holiday for him and the DC.... we had a week booked already but in Devon and not extravagant.

I guess the issue is that we have never had to worry about money before and now it is an issue we don't seem to be on the same page. If I try to discuss it I get accused of only being with him for his money, which is not at all true (we met through work, I earned the same as him 15yrs ago but - kids, his career took off and so his job took priority).

He is looking for another job but wants to take the time to look for another type of role - I don't actually know what that is! - and I have no problem with him taking time off/ retraining/ whatever as long as he has a plan of sorts and stops spending so much money.

I just feel when we speak it all comes out wrong/ he twists it into me being money grabbing. He also keeps going on about how I have worked PT for the last 8 years and it's about time I went back FT (my youngest only started school last September!) but it isn't that easy to just demand FT hours. I am also now looking for roles in London which are more highly paid than locally (but I wasn't able to do before because of the commute and getting back in time for the DC) - I have no problem working - but if he does get a job back in his old industry he will assume it all goes back to me doing everything Monday - Friday and I won't be able to manage that with a 1hr+ commute. Even so I would not be on £200k for many years (if ever!).

AIBU to want him to cut back (as I have) and make a plan for the future?

Reframe the discussion to it being about him having choices for the first time in years.
Option 1
He can chose to carry on spending as if he was still working and he will have to get a similarly paid job in x months or the money will run out and he will have to make drastic cutbacks.

Option 2
He can agree a pot of fun money he can spend on doing the things he didn’t have time to do but other expenses get scaled back a bit to give him more time to find the role he wants.

Option 3
A more drastic scale back that gives him more time and the option of doing something less well paid if he would enjoy it more.

Putting it like that might help him see that he can’t have his cake and eat it.

Did he get any career counselling service as part of his redundancy package? These can be really useful and sounds like he needs to formulate a plan.

I don’t think you’re being in the least unreasonable and he needs to readjust. But I guess you’re going to have to approach it tactically.

Your are in a really fortunate position having your mortgage covered. Really by the sounds of it he just needs to find a job that would cover the private school fees so he could take a big step down and you’d be fine. That said, I’d be worried that he isn’t toning down the spending a bit.

In contrast, if my high earning husband lost his job we’d be utterly fucked. We couldn’t afford the mortgage on my salary. We’ve got savings to tide us over for 6 months but it wouldn’t take long for things to go wrong. Your 2-3 years worth of savings is a real luxury that has given you a valuable period of grace.

Maybe it's time to start thinking of investing in some BTL property for a long term income and pension purposes?

Another practical point - DH refuses to sign on because he doesn't need the money, fine. But it affects NI contributions doesn't it?

Meh. He could always pay the NI contribution from his £100k redundancy

It sounds as though he has decided he can carry on however he likes for six months because in his head he still has that income for that period. Whereas you see it differently.

I wouldn't take them out of private school if I were you.

Has he been used to making the financial decisions because he earns the money, and now he thinks he still can carry on? It needs to be more equal and it needs to be agreed. You'll have to keep going on at him. Maybe in the long run it will be better if you work at a higher level, more equal between you and you'll be less vulnerable when he runs off with a younger model like mine did

The £5k holiday is a bit daft.

In your position, I would try to relax a little more and stop wasting energy on things that ‘might’ happen. I was made redundant from a job I loved and nobody could understand how I felt. I was heartbroken, because I put so much of myself into being successful. Had I stayed in the lower ranks, my job would have been secure. He is entitled this break and to spend his redundancy package as if he was still working.

I doubt he told you to cut back on your own spending, that seemed to be your choice. Have you considered how that might make him feel?
Look for a full time position, but only f it is what you really want to do.

I made bad decisions during my Garden Leave. This was because of fear that I would not get another role. I ended up in a job I hated for 2 years. I wish now, I had used my redundancy for training for a new career. We were given a course of redundancy counselling and I ignored the advice not to rush into another job or let the redundancy define me.

I would work out how much per day it costs to maintain the lifestyle, and when the money will run out. Then every time he spends money, tell him how many days he has subtracted from how long the money will last.

Having said that, in the overall scheme of things, he may not be being that unreasonable. One 5K holiday six months in might be OK. If he's still not in work a year later, and taking another, that's more of an issue. As more than a year out of work makes it look like there's a real problem getting back in.

This happened sort of to DH's friend (in banking) - he gave up his well earning and strangely for bankers 9-5 banking job and set up a private equity company.

In the interim period times were tough for him and his DW and their young DC (plus her 2 DC from previous marriage) to cope. Luckily she worked and his business has now got much better but he was really panicking and borrowed money from his family and DH to tide him over.

OP, I have my eldest in a VERY good prep school and my younger two in the local primary school (less than five minutes around the corner, at my 5yo's pace.) To paint a picture, I went to private school my entire childhood. My eldest goes to private school because he's from a previous relationship, and his grandparents pay for it. Whilst the younger two's dad and I both work full time, we couldn't manage the £15k per child a year and be able to pay for ANYTHING else, so it's never been an option.

I actually work at my younger two's school part time, and I promise you, if you choose the right state school, whilst there's less "prestige" and it doesn't look as much like Hogwarts (which to be fair can be a huge plus ) they can be wonderful schools with great results for exams. It was my first experience with state school, and yes, hearing all the bad press some receive can be scary, but most are great and supportive. I honestly believe both your year 5 and year 1 would fit in, given the right school.

As for your DH...I find it very hard to comment. I'm TOTALLY with you on budgeting so you don't have to dip into your savings (which will be very important if DH takes longer to find a job that fits). He's obviously loving his first downtime in 20 years....which would be fine if you didn't have young children and a hugely reduced income. It's the fact that he won't talk about it properly with you. You obviously need a plan for finances, as he clearly has no clue. You're on 30k (hopefully soon to be 50k), which if you disregard school fees and take into account the lack of mortgage should be able to let you live comfortably for a long while, just without the very specific luxuries £200+k can give you. You're not asking him to live like a pauper...just think about your finances.
If it doesn't come out right face to face then try to write it down. You come across as concise and fair on here.

I don't think your OH is a dick, just that he's a bit lost, without his job. That being said....if he refuses to talk to you and make plans for the future, then he's a massive one......

Take the kids out of private school and you;ll have a lot less stress about him spending money he worked to earn!
Or you could just go find any full time job?

You want to have your cake and eat it - so does he.

“You know what, I’d let him do it. This is exactly what you dream about when you’re slogging away day after day like a hamster on a wheel.

When they money gets low, he’ll have to go back to work, I’m not sure I really see the issue with this? No reason to take the children out of school and implement some austerity regime“

@Passthecherrycoke

I agree with you.

SavingSpaces
Rtft
The op works and is currently in the running for a higher paid job.
Why post if you aren’t going to bother reading the thread?

You are worried about his state pension? Seriously?!?

He can log in online and see how much he has to pay this year to make up the difference in NI if there is a shortfall. It will also tell him how many years left he has to pay contributions to get a full state pension. Although you would really hope that on a £200k salary with no mortgage he had made some pretty substantial pension provision.

He was offered counselling but refused it, he refuses to talk about it much and to all around he appears delighted to be having this holiday. He really is treating it like a holiday. I know what the job market is like and I really thought he would be part way through a hire at the moment and not going into summer holidays with nothing on the horizon. Then I see news like Deutsche Bank and I worry that no one will be hiring and there will be loads of competition!
I do worry he is having some kind of breakdown.

He’s not having a breakdown, he’s having a break, well deserved by the sound of it. The job market’s dead for the next two months, when it starts up again in September, he’ll be fresh - and probably bored too - all ready to hit the applications again. You can buy additional years of NI contributions relatively cheaply. If he’s not ready to return to work in the autumn I’d start to worry. In the meantime, let him enjoy his summer off.

OP if he refuses to cut back, I would not cut back. If the money does not last 2-3 years he will just have to get a job sooner. Employ the cleaner again and live as you did before.

this happened to me (although earning about half of your DH), I had 3 months off which I wasted feeling mightily depressed & worthless & watching crap television.

It is utterly soul destroying & I hated every minute of not working even though it was paid & I had a position starting with a start up company. I now earn about a quarter of what I was on previously but it will build up.

Go easy on him it almost destroyed me mentally. pm me if you want to bend an ear

I think you need to relax. He's adjusting to having free time and enjoying it. With the level of stress he's had to get his career I think he needs a break.

Once you get down to 18months of expenses left then I'd start panicking. Until then, build your career since you now have the time with your child in school

haveuheard why shouldn't I worry about his state pension? If he ends up not working again/ for a long time he will be 10 years short of the 35 years needed. He has £550,000 in a pension - so about £15-£20k a year in drawdown - hardly a champagne lifestyle is it? At least a state pension (if we even get it) will be a set sum each year.
And yes he did get £100k redundancy but half was taxed at 45%, the rest at 40% and another 2% on NI so he ended up with £55k - which is great but not a sum to be able to retire on.
School fees are £22k a year for the two, DH is spending on average £2k a month on going out and doing hobbies - he doesn't even drink!

£55k is enough to pay his own NI. The idea that he should sign on at the job centre is ludicrous.

Presumably you have some money over and above that, or did he spend every penny of his salary every month?

And, of course, he’ll get some of that tax back when he restarts work or at the end of the tax year.

Could you sit dh down and explain if u move the kids to public school, cut back on the activities hes doing then perhaps he can take less demanding role and work a 9-5 and see more of the kids etc

It's a blip and you are well set up with no mortgage. The one given is you don't mess your children about having got on the private school treadmill.

You own your property outright as did we at your stage. Can you sell up and move ten miles out (assuming you are in London) and buy a similar property and pay down the education

In the scheme of things I think the holiday's fine. Let him chill for a few months. 20 years with a blow is exhausting. Job searches will likely pick up in the autumn. What's the worst that can happen?

You can reasonably earn 60k; he can probably earn 100k and probably needs a break.

It's a shock but shhhhh and breathe. You have a cpl of years to consolidate.

I really don’t think this is the time to “sit down and explain “ anything. In his shoes I would feel affronted and patronised. No-one really know his inner thoughts or plans. Looking forward to spending two months quality time with the family is a good start. Please reemploy the cleaner. I kept mine on, the whole time of my Garden