When finances change....

[Burrden]

My DH has been made redundant recently. He was earning £200k and we had a fantastic lifestyle - private school for the 2 DC, holidays etc. We own our house outright and have some savings, plus his pay off. I work PT and earn £30k which covers our day to day living expenses (but not school fees or luxuries).
We can continue living our current lifestyle for 2/3 years without DH needing to work.

As a result of the change to our finances I have cut back in certain areas (I did this when we found out that his job was at risk at the beginning of the year) - basically stuck to a budget so i knew we could live on my salary. I have requested additional hours at work but will need to wait until a role comes up - I would earn £50k full time so still not enough to cover school fees but if we don't dip into our savings now we can afford to keep them there until 11 without DH needing to work.

However, DH refuses to cut back AT ALL. Each morning he trots off to a chichi cafe for coffee and breakfast, with his newspaper then goes off to the gym/ music lessons/ tennis/ golf - all things he never had time for when working. I kind of think this is fine for this summer but then he really will need to sit down and face reality. He has worked solidly for 20 years in demanding, long hour jobs, I do not begrudge him time off but he is burning through the same amount of money (if not more) than before.
Meanwhile I make packed lunches, have dropped my own gym membership, the cleaner (he does do some cleaning but it is erratic - some weeks he does none and the next he blitzes the whole house) and other non essential things.
The DC break up from school this week and he keeps saying how great it is that we won't need to pay for holiday childcare (which saves about £1k) but in the next breath he spends £5k on a two week holiday for him and the DC.... we had a week booked already but in Devon and not extravagant.

I guess the issue is that we have never had to worry about money before and now it is an issue we don't seem to be on the same page. If I try to discuss it I get accused of only being with him for his money, which is not at all true (we met through work, I earned the same as him 15yrs ago but - kids, his career took off and so his job took priority).

He is looking for another job but wants to take the time to look for another type of role - I don't actually know what that is! - and I have no problem with him taking time off/ retraining/ whatever as long as he has a plan of sorts and stops spending so much money.

I just feel when we speak it all comes out wrong/ he twists it into me being money grabbing. He also keeps going on about how I have worked PT for the last 8 years and it's about time I went back FT (my youngest only started school last September!) but it isn't that easy to just demand FT hours. I am also now looking for roles in London which are more highly paid than locally (but I wasn't able to do before because of the commute and getting back in time for the DC) - I have no problem working - but if he does get a job back in his old industry he will assume it all goes back to me doing everything Monday - Friday and I won't be able to manage that with a 1hr+ commute. Even so I would not be on £200k for many years (if ever!).

AIBU to want him to cut back (as I have) and make a plan for the future?

You can cancel your season ticket but don’t get a full refund of the remaining months so it may or may not be worth it depending on how long is has to run- I know that was just an example OP.

But I do think you’re panicking and being a bit erratic. Why don’t you use some of the money to plan some amazing holidays

You can cancel an annual season ticket before it expires but you get a disproportionately small amount of money back. If it’s only got a couple of months to run it will be relatively peanuts.

Hmmmm

I’m on the fence.
I know a few guys who 2+ years on are posting inspirational memes on LinkedIn and offering their life coaching services

I kind of think this is fine for this summer but then he really will need to sit down and face reality.

This is fair enough... but he needs to address it at some point

Waiting until September to start looking runs the risk that the economy or financial markets don't tank between now and then. He may also miss out on perfectly suitable opportunities that come up and get filled between now and then. High end jobs for specific skills don't fall off trees on a regular schedule.

My DH has been laid off twice in his career. We were in good shape financially both times with plenty of savings and little debt. Both times he got right into looking for a new job, which I really appreciated. That's how you mitigate the financial risk to your family. It was stressful enough having him unemployed. It would have been worse with him unemployed and doing nothing serious about it.

Hi OP

YANBU

If he is pressuring you to go full time then in sorry he does need to have a chat about the longer term now. As you say, it isn't reasonable to let you take a full time job then decide he isn't doing any more at home or doesnt want a nanny. You cant be expected to work full time, have a long commute and do everything at home as well. I'd be looking for some reassurances before you accept any new position or apply for any more.
To call you money grabbing is very hurtful when it's not you leading the high spending lifestyle. Presumably other major financial decisions have been joint, and if he was trying to pressure you into giving up work all together then he must have been happy to pay for you.

It does suggest that reality hadn't caught up with him yet so I'd try and be kind and gently point out that you are just worried for the family as the current situation is unsustainable in the long term and you just want him and the family to have as many options as possible in the future (eg if he wanted to go back part time or drop down salary to something less stressful it would certainly help to have a financial cushion). I dont know what else you can do if he is struggling mentally but refusing to admit it. Other than tell him you are worried about him and want to support him. Fundamentally it doesnt seem fair if one person cuts back everything while the other lives a life of luxury. And its perfectly normal to adjust outgoings downwards if income is much lower

Ps I got money back on my season ticket when I was on maternity, not fully pro rata though but enough that it was worth cancelling. May be different with different companies though

I was in the reveres position as when I was made redundant with no real warning from a high paid job and I went into full on austerity mode and panic mode re finding a new job. DP was very laid back and just kept saying that I'd find something and if necessary we could downsize- he didn't change anything he did - I wanted him to get a proper job (he didn't) and I needed up doing all the chores.
I think that I was wrong- it was totally panic driven and I ended up in a job I hated. People kept telling me to calm down and at least take a break.
I think the best way is a compromise- agree a time when job hunting starts and a time when austerity /cutbacks kick in. It is really difficult to give up stuff (for me more for the family than me) as you feel that you have wasted all that hard work. years of long hours , not seeing your family and all the sacrifices are for nothing.
You do need to have an adult conversation - if he doesn't go back to the city and his ultimate earning power is less what are the plans? do you intend to move to a cheaper (less commuter friendly area) and hence release capital? also tbh the goal of having ales pressurised /lower paid job might not be feasible/as easy as he thinks- he needs to be honest about that.

I agree with @ChazsBrilliantAttitude's suggestion of outlining three possible scenarios for him to mull over for a bit and decide how he wants to pursue his career going forward. He can certainly enjoy a break, but he needs to have a long-term plan of some description.

I understand your concern as there's no guarantee that another well-paid job will just pop up in a few months. Both my BIL and then my SIL(his sister) were made redundant a few years ago and it took both of them months to find equivalent well-paying jobs. I think my SIL was unemployed for 18 months, which we never expected with her experience and qualifications. You never know who else is applying for a job and sometimes it takes a while - it's great that you've got plenty of savings to fall back on.

Exactly, you only need the balance to tip over into a few more people getting made redundant or deciding to move on from their current position and a few more firms scaling back recruitment, moving their business abroad or actively making people redundant to tip the balance over into a lot more people looking for fewer opportunities and then it can be simply luck of the draw.

You could be a very desirable candidate but if there are ten people like you and less than ten opportunities, someone has to miss out even if, in a different market, employers will be clamouring to have you work for them.

It’s always the luck of the draw. If the economy tanks, OP’s husband could find a new job tomorrow and be out of work again by Christmas. Just as the housing market’s slowed, I imagine the job market has too. And it’s always dead over the summer.

Tried talking to DH last night but he was going out to practice with his band (a group of former colleagues, so potentially also useful contacts) and he told me to chill out - everything will be fine. We briefly discussed school - DH wants to leave our eldest there for the next two years and then if necessary move our youngest when he goes. It kind of makes sense as schools here split at yr3 so our youngest would start in Juniors.
I just feel in limbo really, I don't feel like I can make any plans - I have no idea what to do about the job I have gone for! In some ways I am excited about going back into the City and the social aspect. I work for a small company, we socialise at Christmas and that is it, I rarely leave our town - maybe once a month to meet friends.

Well, you are in fact in limbo. You’re in a period of change. What was, has gone. What will be, hasn’t arrived yet. So right now, you’re in flux.

You mentioned above that you’re a bit of a control freak. Control freaks need to k ow where they stand; they need to plan; they need security and stability.

You can’t have that now. Focus your energies in dealing with this. Let DH focus his on finding a new job. Interview for the full-time position. If you get it, discuss with your DH whether you should take it. It has to be a joint decision, because he will have to do more at home and for the children than he’s used to. Does he want that?

Sounds like you too haven’t made up your mind whether you want to stay local or commute. So you’re not acting as you always have done, either.

Big gulp, and go for it. Both of you. It could be very exciting!

I didn't get the job. It has knocked my confidence a bit. The interview was dreadful I wouldn't hire me either.
DH was happy though - he said that unless I can earn £150k per year it makes no difference to him, he would still need to work. He also said it would be hard for me to work FT and still do all the childcare - he has no intention of stepping up there.
I have arranged a meeting with my boss to discuss increasing my hours/ pay - it may mean that I become a consultant and become self employed which is risky in itself.

I'm so sorry @Burrden , he doesn't sound very nice at all.

he has no intention of stepping up there.

He just says that he can't take over childcare because his intention is to get another FT and demanding job.... but at what point does that change?
I feel so down today, the DC are at home, the house is a mess and DH has gone to Wimbledon.... I am running out of sympathy. I know he is looking for a job, he is trying, but I feel so sad that we are not on the same page - I think him working and bringing home the bacon papered over a lot of the cracks in our relationship. We do not feel like a team at the moment.

So what is he doing OP?

I’m sorry you didn’t get the job, it’s always a kick in the teeth to get turned down.
Your DH is being very bullish, fronting it up and it’s that attitude which loads of people in high income jobs have. High confidence/high risk. But if you’re not feeling it too then it’s a very lonely place to be. Your attitude to risk sounds much healthier though! Fingers crossed he finds a new role soon, but now you know how he reacts to life changes you’re a bit more prepared for the future.

He is doing lots of "networking" and speaking to recruitment consultants/ head hunters. Today he is out with people from a bank he worked at years ago. He is on the phone/ laptop for a few hours every day....
He leaves the house at 7am and goes to the gym, does a workout/ has a swim and then has breakfast out. He takes the laptop and "works" at the gym (it has workspaces there too). He comes home for lunch (unless he is meeting someone) and puts a couple more hours in. Then he usually goes to play tennis/ golf (well, to the driving range)/ music practice and comes home for dinner at 6. So basically trying to keep to his working day routine. I do all the school runs etc. On the days I work he usually prepares something for dinner and I just put it in the oven. I think it being school holidays now I had hoped he would be around/ help more.

him working and bringing home the bacon papered over a lot of the cracks in our relationship

I feel for you @Burrden , I think it is exactly this. You cut him lots and lots of some slack because he was in a high stress job and are disappointed to discover that he thinks that lifestyle is just his due.

I'm afraid I don't know what to suggest but hope you find a way forward.

So he is acting like nothing has changed yet when it clearly has.

He hasn’t really come to terms with the implications of his redundancy has he.

Don’t let one dodgy interview put you off looking (nor your DH’s 1950’s attitudes). Treat it as practice if you haven’t interviewed recently.

I'd take the children out of private school now, before September, so they can start fresh in a new school and since they're under eleven they'll be able to make friends and move up to secondary school with said friends. With the money you'll save, you'll be able to funnel it back into your life and have some available for private tuition later on if it's needed.

At DH's level, he's able to walk into a well paid job. Perhaps not as well paid but he will be okay. Right now he needs to blow off some steam, regain his confidence, process the massive career blow and spend some time with his family over the summer. Don't begrudge him that. Has he expressed interest in looking for work after the summer is over? If not, talk to him about that. Perhaps a few months sabbatical and then back to it.

Incidentally I know someone who was in big role, got dropped, took a sabbatical, moved to new industry and got hammered confidence wise. Thought their skills would transfer but just didn’t. Now over fifty and finding life a struggle professionally. Still living the middle class life but it’s pretty tough out there at the moment. DH might have a bit of a shock.

At DH's level, he's able to walk into a well paid job.

Dunno about this. Lots of people laid off in the financial crisis really struggled to get back into work.

Can't believe he isn't even remotely interested in spending more time with the children now he can do so :-(

Doesn't look like he wants to spend time with the family barbara apart from the holiday.

I don't think it is as simple as him not wanting to spend time with the children - he deliberately kept to office hours so he wouldn't get used to dossing about at home. He said he would take two weeks' "leave" over the summer holidays - these will be the two weeks he takes DC away.
I think I am just starting to resent that he has a carefree time of it and I am stressing out about everything and still doing all the "wife work". Plus I feel terrible about being away from DC for two weeks, really sick about it.
I do think he is beginning to worry about finding another, similar job - those that got laid off from Deutsche Bank today will be chasing the same roles as him.

As for school, I can't give notice without another place being available in a state school. Also, we are committed to the next term anyway.