Am I being Unreasonable with regards to my stepdaughter & her wife

[Waters1975]

Am I being unreasonable for thinking this is just rude ! My stepdaughter who is 26 has just come to stay for the weekend with her wife. When they arrived they immediately went through our kitchen cupboards to see what food we had & to see if it was suitable for them . They then proceeded to say that they were going to the supermarket to get some things . They returned back with a couple of bags and were whispering in the hall way and swapping bits about . One went upstairs with a bag and the other cane to fridge & put in an apple juice & a bottle of cherry coke. A loaf of bread & a bag was left on the side. That evening we cooked them dinner and then one went to the fridge got 2 glasses out & poured themselves a coke each. After dinner ( no offer of help with the clearing up ). One went upstairs & came back down with a bag of sweets hidden in her pocket. They sat there secretly eating these sweets thinking we had not noticed. My husband & I have 3 children of our own who I have treats in the cupboard for so one of mine asked if they could have some as obviously felt like they were missing out. The next evening we were sitting there and the wife came out with a half eaten bag of Doritos with a peg on them to keep them fresh . She sat there eating some & then put the peg on and put them away again with no offer of any for us or the children . ( This was after we had been out in the day & treated them to lunch). They have stayed in our home all weekend , not paid a penny not offered with anything & then hidden food they have bought even though they have had breakfast , lunch & dinners here incl a meal out .I would never dream of requesting any money or accepting any if they have made the effort to come & see us but I find this behaviour very strange & basically rude ! Just wondered what anyone else thoughts are on this. My husband ( his daughter ) just says they are very odd & annoying but doesn’t say anything to them .

Did you say anything to them?

Odd and annoying. It must be fun being a guest at their house. Next time they come hide some sweets and crisps in their room as a welcome present.

Your stepdaughter is just behaving the way people do in their parents’ homes. She’s not a guest. It would be a bit weird for a guest not to be more formal and polite, but it’s her dad’s house.

Well I wouldn’t just sit there - I’d say something to them! It would be tempting to say a sarcastic ‘oh are you still hungry?’ Or ‘oooo I love Doritos! Let’s have some!’.
And after dinner I’d say ‘ok girls how about a hand in the kitchen tidying up?’ They are family, not guests, and should pitch in!

It’s irritating and a bit childish. Ignore it as anything you say will go down badly. Or find a very tactful way of approaching it? But it could cause more trouble than it’s worth. It is petty behaviour on their part do you really need to engage in that? Be the bigger person and leave them to it

I did say oh what are you looking for when they were going through my cupboards but they just blatantly said oh checking what food you have like it’s the normal thing to do. I also had a couple of digs in passing to my kids like oh kids these are for you I’ve kept them separate 😂😂.

Are they 12?

You seem to be making something out of nothing tbh.

Ride and odd.

Rude not ride.

My family must all be very rude then because that just sounds really normal to me. First thing I do when I go to my mums house is open her fridge

Absolutely. I won’t say anything but just wanted to see if anyone else thought this was odd behaviour . Thank you

It sounds like you may not have the best relationship with your dsd so I would look on this as an opportunity to be very hospitable and friendly and hopefully improve the relationship.

I don't get what the issue is? If we stay at my mum's house we buy snacks for ourselves? Granted she doesn't have other children but we like to snack and I wouldn't expect her to fill the cupboards for us? I usually ask if she wants anything as we go to the supermarket. Would you want them to be offering crisps and sweets to your kids? As a pp says they're just acting like children do in their house, remember she is your DH's daughter, not your guest.

You sound very unwelcoming to your husband’s daughter. Do you envisage a scenario where it would ever offend you to see your own DC look in your fridge?

Seems very rude to sit and eat stuff in a communal setting without offering anyone else anything?
If you'd offered say after eights to everyone BUT them everyone would Agree that was rude!

I do the same but this was very different . It wasn’t done in that way ( I would not have cared less if they had said oh I’m starving what have you got to eat) it was checking labels , checking how much marmite I had & then writing a list, which again is fine but then come back with stuff for themselves that they then hid . Why not just put in the cupboard & say oh I’ve bought more marmite etc , they also then took what was left all home with them ( half drunk bottle of coke )

Agree with above posters. If she were your daughter, this would be a non post. She bought some crisps and didn't share them, yes a bit selfish, but I have heard much much worse in terms of adult children in their 20s.
You are viewing her as a guest to your home(as obviously the same behaviour is then unbelievably rude). This is not fair as she is your husbands daughter.

But also, the whole thing about seeing the food was suitable suggests that the women might be vegetarian/vegan/GF? If someone has specific dietary requirements it makes total sense for them to eat their own snacks.

I would look in my mums fridge/cupboards to see what food is there just when I pop round! Probably wouldn’t if I was staying the weekend as she would have asked me what food to get in.
I don’t think it sounds rude except the lack of offering the sweets out

Very rude behaviour from anyone tbh family or guest

Very weird behaviour on their part. They're 26, not 12.

Having a look in the fridge is totally normal. Going off to buy snacks, smuggling them in and then not offering any round combined with not offering any help around meals is very immature and rude. I'd be mortified if I went to my parents or DH parents and behaved like that. It's rude.

It all sounds a bit odd but behaviour like this doesn’t just come from nowhere patterns of behaviour in families are usually entrenched. This surely isn’t the first time they’ve stayed with you? What was it like around food last time?

I am very welcoming to her. I never said a word, I cooked , took them out , chatted to them treated them . I just put this out there on here just to see if I was being unreasonable in thinking that ! They are 26 both working they are not 10 ! Her brother comes to stay all the time we have issues whatsoever . I just find it odd at 26 years of age. I go to my mums and go in her fridge etc but if I was staying there & brought food in I wouldn’t hide it I would just leave on the side for anyone who wanted some .

No issues