Am I being Unreasonable with regards to my stepdaughter & her wife

[Waters1975]

Am I being unreasonable for thinking this is just rude ! My stepdaughter who is 26 has just come to stay for the weekend with her wife. When they arrived they immediately went through our kitchen cupboards to see what food we had & to see if it was suitable for them . They then proceeded to say that they were going to the supermarket to get some things . They returned back with a couple of bags and were whispering in the hall way and swapping bits about . One went upstairs with a bag and the other cane to fridge & put in an apple juice & a bottle of cherry coke. A loaf of bread & a bag was left on the side. That evening we cooked them dinner and then one went to the fridge got 2 glasses out & poured themselves a coke each. After dinner ( no offer of help with the clearing up ). One went upstairs & came back down with a bag of sweets hidden in her pocket. They sat there secretly eating these sweets thinking we had not noticed. My husband & I have 3 children of our own who I have treats in the cupboard for so one of mine asked if they could have some as obviously felt like they were missing out. The next evening we were sitting there and the wife came out with a half eaten bag of Doritos with a peg on them to keep them fresh . She sat there eating some & then put the peg on and put them away again with no offer of any for us or the children . ( This was after we had been out in the day & treated them to lunch). They have stayed in our home all weekend , not paid a penny not offered with anything & then hidden food they have bought even though they have had breakfast , lunch & dinners here incl a meal out .I would never dream of requesting any money or accepting any if they have made the effort to come & see us but I find this behaviour very strange & basically rude ! Just wondered what anyone else thoughts are on this. My husband ( his daughter ) just says they are very odd & annoying but doesn’t say anything to them .

YANBU

Rude! Rude! Rude!

I cannot stand this type of greedy/selfish behaviour! I could never sit and eat or drink anything - especially in someone else’s home - without offering.

I remember when I was 5 years old (I’m 37 now) I had an aunt who visited and she went to the ice cream van and bought herself a bag full plastic bag of those 10p lucky bags you got back then. She sat and opened ever one of them by herself - a grown adult - and didn’t offer me or my 3yo brother a single one 🤦🏽‍♀️

I was not allowed to go through store and kitchen cupboards and help myself when I was growing up. This was carried in to adulthood. It is so rude. My children are now taught the same. It's totally fine to keep some treats in your room as a visiting guest/family visitor. It isn't right to sneak the food down and try to eat it without sharing, it's sad really.

Hiding the food and the not sharing is rude not odd-Ihings round i take with to my fil its only polite

YANBU. This is rude in any situation - family or not. Unless (perhaps) if you are 4 years old.

I find it interesting that you keep insisting they had "hidden" food rather than describing it less emotively as them leaving it upstairs.

Because that's all they really did. They openly made a list, openly went to the shop, openly brought it back, openly took some of it upstairs (you describe some being openly left in the kitchen), openly ate it and brought it back down.

Yet you've chosen to use emotive words like "hide" and "secret". Why?

And if you wouldn't expect them to pay why make a point of them having "not paid a penny"? It's irrelevant if you don't want and would not ask for money, isn't it?

Unless of course you were trying to emotively paint a particular picture.

So basically they don't want to share their snacks. Not a big deal surely.

Rude and bad mannered, they were happy to eat your food but not share theirs with you. That makes the bad mannered, greedy and selfish in my books.

@SchadenfreudePersonified PMSL!

I don't understand why some pp think it's fine that the dsd hid sweets and didn't share doritos when there were other DC noticing. That's a bit weird, especially when the OP got in stuff they liked last time.

I don't think it sounds that odd. They checked what you had in and then bought other food accordingly and picked up snacks for themselves.
If I had a guest who bought their own snacks, I woudn't expect my DC to eat them or ask for some.

sevenoftwelve
I think the OP is showing that some of the more weird behaviour wasn't in isolation.

For example, buying snacks isn't weird or rude, but hiding them upstairs, eating them in front of people and not offering is rude and weird.

A parent wouldn't expect a financial contribution, but as an adult staying at my parents' I would ask them if they needed anything if i was going to the shop. I'd certainly help with the dishes after and I wouldn't act like a lazy teenager.

It is rude not to offer around the sweets to the kids.

This is the third thread in a row I’ve commented where some step parent is being overly picky towards their step kids.

It’s so depressing. Most people don’t have it in them to be a step parent. They’ll find any excuse to froth at the mouth over the slightest thing whereas if it was their own kid they wouldn’t have even noticed.

This trend towards step families is so shit for the unwelcome step children.

There you are, OP. It’s all your own fault for (delete as appropriate) serving minuscule meals/ being overly picky/ treating your stepdaughter as a guest/ not treating your stepdaughter as a guest.

(Yes, their behaviour was odd. Who goes to stay with their family and hides sweeties and crisps for own consumption? Wouldn’t you just say, we’re going to the shop for some treats, who wants what?)

Sounds a bit bizarre, like 2 married children.

I always have a look in my Mum's fridge, probably one of the first things I do because I know it has more exciting things than in mine and naice village ham

Do they have much money? Is the wife partial to that particular crisp? Did SD do it before? If not then it's probably the wife panicking over nothing.

Sweets though? Seems more bonkers and childish rather than deliberately rude.

I rummage in my parents' fridge and DH does it with his folks. The keeping secret snacks and not sharing is odd, do they think your DC aren't allowed any extra sweets etc?

it is a bit rude but really it depends how you look at it. I am the same age as your stepdaughter and I can see it from both sides. I always rummage through the fridge at my mums house or dads house when I'm in - and although it's childish it really is just a big sister hiding sweets from her younger siblings, annoying but not that outrageous to be honest.

I find it more odd that if you’re so close and in their lives for so long that you didn’t just ask at the time or make a comment or discuss it. She should be like a daughter to you after 22 years- just ask?!?!

And to the PP saying they’d not expect their child to raid the fridge once they move out- why not? It’s still their home. That’s so weird.

It's "with regard to", not "with regards to."

It's just more confirmation that gay people are not normal

😳

You all sound a bit greedy tbh. Why do you want their doritos? Why do they want to keep them secret? Bizarre.

I think it’s utterly bizarre to say you mustn’t eat a bag of crisps or bag of sweets in a large group without offering everyone some

I know!! This is so strange! I’d assume if someone wanted a crisp they’d ask.

These women probably assumed if you were hungry you’d have food in your cupboards that you’d chosen yourselves instead of the food they had.